When should you step out of your way to set the record straight when your reputation is being unfairly tarnished?
I've always taken the position that it can only hurt the situation to go on the defensive. It's usually better to cut your losses than to try to convince people of your side of the coin.
However, I've recently run into a couple scenarios that are proving rather troublesome, and I'm starting to wonder if/how I should do something about it. (Names changed)
1. The Rejected Lover
A little over a year ago I had a very brief fling with Jenny, which resulted in us both very sincerely and mutually agreeing we were better off as friends. Indeed, within two weeks, we both found ourselves in LTRs with other people.
We did remain friends over the past year, as we both went through various breakups and difficulties. Over time, her sexual interest in me grew, even as (and probably precisely because) I maintained the boundary of non-sexual friendship that was originally established, despite both the palpable sexual tension between us, and the fact that she directly expressed her desire to have sex with me again on several occasions.
A couple of months ago, Jenny came to me in a situation of grave emotional and psychological turmoil, and asked me for help. I agreed, as I would for any close friend. Ultimately, this situation ended with a severe falling out between us, in which I allowed her to place the symbolic blame for a huge shit storm of her baggage on my head, and send me off like the proverbial scapegoat. (I'm not trying to paint myself as a hero, this was honestly something I saw coming a long way off, that I internally agreed to, and was no great loss to me.)
Jenny and I had a considerable overlap of social circles, many mutual friends, and often frequented some of the same establishments in Houston, TX. I don't live in Houston anymore, and so I was already separating myself from many of those circles when the falling out occurred. As such, despite the fact that I anticipated the usual name-smearing that radiates from emotionally unstable people, I didn't consider it a significant threat to my broader social life. However, I was shocked a couple of weeks ago when I friend of mine in my current city came to me and said, "Hey, Daniel, you'll never guess who I met down in Houston last week. It was your old friend, Josh. He told me he hadn't heard from you much lately, but that you recently robbed and abandoned some girl in New Mexico?"
I was initially alarmed, but this friend quickly laughed it off, saying how it seemed ridiculous and women can be crazy and such. Still, my concern persists. Josh, the friend in Houston, isn't even a mutual friend of Jenny and me. More like a friend of a friend of a mutual friend. It got me wondering, how far might these utterly false accusations be spreading behind my back? Is this something that might affect my future job prospects or business dealings?
I have yet to reach out to Josh or anyone else about my concerns, but I don't want to get a nasty surprise down the road because of some phantom slander.
2. The Fiancé
About six months ago, I met a very attractive girl, Amanda, with whom I initially shared some strong chemistry. However, she was very committed to her then boyfriend of three years, and indeed, about a month after she and I became friends, they got engaged. I made it very clear to her from the beginning that I had no intention of coming between her and her boyfriend, and even added that I was known for being a harmless flirt with everyone. (Both of those things are genuinely true, by the way). Nevertheless, our friendship waned over the following months, and I mostly wrote her off and went on with my life.
Six weeks ago, in an unexpected turn of events, I discovered that Amanda and I were going to be working closely together in a professional context. Now, I don't let my personal affections influence my professional decisions, and the fact of the matter is, this girl is neck and shoulders above the rest in terms of professionalism, ability, and drive. Thus, I established a pattern of selecting her for the most difficult, exciting, and significant projects and roles. We worked well together, and even became friends again, professionally of course. A couple of weeks ago, I met her for lunch to discuss a huge offer.
"I know you've expressed an interest for some time in moving to the non-profit sector. I have been repeatedly impressed with your work, and have great respect for you as a coworker. I also know you and your fiancé are planning to live here San Antonio after your wedding next year. If all goes well, and you do wind up living here next year, I'd like to offer you a seat at the board as Third VP. Is that something you'd be interested in?"
"I'm not sure," she replied. "I'd have to talk to James about it, and think over it myself of course."
"Certainly," I said. "I don't expect an answer today, but I'd like to hear your thoughts by the end of August so I can start the recommendation process."
"Sure."
"One more thing," she said. "Does this offer have anything to do with your personal feelings for me?"
Mildly astonished, I replied, "Not at all, why would you think that? I would never put anyone on the board who I thought there was any iota of a chance of me becoming romantically involved with."
"Well, that certainly won't be an issue," she retorted with a snideness I hadn't heard from her before. "You're certainly not my type."
"Ouch," I instinctively chuckled, in an admitted break from professionalism. I was taken aback by the unexpected hostility, and I got somewhat rattled. "I suppose you're more my type than I am yours, but that has nothing to do with this conversation."
Her attitude lightened immediately, and she began damage control. "I mean, you're exactly the type of guy I would have gone for a couple of years ago, but since I met James, I realized that I'm really into guys that are... huge." She blushed. "I mean like, mass, and size, and muscle, not like..."
I said nothing, and did my level best to maintain a neutral and professional expression, which had the added effect of letting her stew in her own fluster.
I changed the subject, we finished our lunch, and that was that. No big deal right?
Except, the next time I saw her at work, she was very standoffish towards me. And she has begun snubbing communications, even going so far as to refuse relatively mundane assignments. Finally, I approached her yesterday with a project that I thought she would be jumping at the chance to get. It was essentially straight from a concept she had described to me before, based off of a suggestion she had originally made and expressed a strong desire in implementing.
"That's not something I'd be interested in helping you with," was her response.
I frowned. "Okay, I wasn't asking you to help me with it, this is based off of your idea, I thought you wanted to do this?"
"That's not what I had in mind, and I really don't want to work with you on it."
I didn't appreciate how she kept making it about me, implying in front of our coworkers that I was supplicating her for support. "Okay, but my personal involvement aside, is this something you want to do?" I said sternly.
"No."
"Okay, thanks," I said, and went back to work.
Now, I'm not sure how to proceed. There's no getting around the reality of working with this girl for at least the next six months, but I don't want it to be awkward and difficult, and I don't want her going around under the impression that I have ever elicited anything from her but platonic friendship. Would it be appropriate to send her an email trying to clarify and reassert my position? Or would that just make the situation worse?
My Head Hurts,
Daniel
I've always taken the position that it can only hurt the situation to go on the defensive. It's usually better to cut your losses than to try to convince people of your side of the coin.
However, I've recently run into a couple scenarios that are proving rather troublesome, and I'm starting to wonder if/how I should do something about it. (Names changed)
1. The Rejected Lover
A little over a year ago I had a very brief fling with Jenny, which resulted in us both very sincerely and mutually agreeing we were better off as friends. Indeed, within two weeks, we both found ourselves in LTRs with other people.
We did remain friends over the past year, as we both went through various breakups and difficulties. Over time, her sexual interest in me grew, even as (and probably precisely because) I maintained the boundary of non-sexual friendship that was originally established, despite both the palpable sexual tension between us, and the fact that she directly expressed her desire to have sex with me again on several occasions.
A couple of months ago, Jenny came to me in a situation of grave emotional and psychological turmoil, and asked me for help. I agreed, as I would for any close friend. Ultimately, this situation ended with a severe falling out between us, in which I allowed her to place the symbolic blame for a huge shit storm of her baggage on my head, and send me off like the proverbial scapegoat. (I'm not trying to paint myself as a hero, this was honestly something I saw coming a long way off, that I internally agreed to, and was no great loss to me.)
Jenny and I had a considerable overlap of social circles, many mutual friends, and often frequented some of the same establishments in Houston, TX. I don't live in Houston anymore, and so I was already separating myself from many of those circles when the falling out occurred. As such, despite the fact that I anticipated the usual name-smearing that radiates from emotionally unstable people, I didn't consider it a significant threat to my broader social life. However, I was shocked a couple of weeks ago when I friend of mine in my current city came to me and said, "Hey, Daniel, you'll never guess who I met down in Houston last week. It was your old friend, Josh. He told me he hadn't heard from you much lately, but that you recently robbed and abandoned some girl in New Mexico?"
I was initially alarmed, but this friend quickly laughed it off, saying how it seemed ridiculous and women can be crazy and such. Still, my concern persists. Josh, the friend in Houston, isn't even a mutual friend of Jenny and me. More like a friend of a friend of a mutual friend. It got me wondering, how far might these utterly false accusations be spreading behind my back? Is this something that might affect my future job prospects or business dealings?
I have yet to reach out to Josh or anyone else about my concerns, but I don't want to get a nasty surprise down the road because of some phantom slander.
2. The Fiancé
About six months ago, I met a very attractive girl, Amanda, with whom I initially shared some strong chemistry. However, she was very committed to her then boyfriend of three years, and indeed, about a month after she and I became friends, they got engaged. I made it very clear to her from the beginning that I had no intention of coming between her and her boyfriend, and even added that I was known for being a harmless flirt with everyone. (Both of those things are genuinely true, by the way). Nevertheless, our friendship waned over the following months, and I mostly wrote her off and went on with my life.
Six weeks ago, in an unexpected turn of events, I discovered that Amanda and I were going to be working closely together in a professional context. Now, I don't let my personal affections influence my professional decisions, and the fact of the matter is, this girl is neck and shoulders above the rest in terms of professionalism, ability, and drive. Thus, I established a pattern of selecting her for the most difficult, exciting, and significant projects and roles. We worked well together, and even became friends again, professionally of course. A couple of weeks ago, I met her for lunch to discuss a huge offer.
"I know you've expressed an interest for some time in moving to the non-profit sector. I have been repeatedly impressed with your work, and have great respect for you as a coworker. I also know you and your fiancé are planning to live here San Antonio after your wedding next year. If all goes well, and you do wind up living here next year, I'd like to offer you a seat at the board as Third VP. Is that something you'd be interested in?"
"I'm not sure," she replied. "I'd have to talk to James about it, and think over it myself of course."
"Certainly," I said. "I don't expect an answer today, but I'd like to hear your thoughts by the end of August so I can start the recommendation process."
"Sure."
"One more thing," she said. "Does this offer have anything to do with your personal feelings for me?"
Mildly astonished, I replied, "Not at all, why would you think that? I would never put anyone on the board who I thought there was any iota of a chance of me becoming romantically involved with."
"Well, that certainly won't be an issue," she retorted with a snideness I hadn't heard from her before. "You're certainly not my type."
"Ouch," I instinctively chuckled, in an admitted break from professionalism. I was taken aback by the unexpected hostility, and I got somewhat rattled. "I suppose you're more my type than I am yours, but that has nothing to do with this conversation."
Her attitude lightened immediately, and she began damage control. "I mean, you're exactly the type of guy I would have gone for a couple of years ago, but since I met James, I realized that I'm really into guys that are... huge." She blushed. "I mean like, mass, and size, and muscle, not like..."
I said nothing, and did my level best to maintain a neutral and professional expression, which had the added effect of letting her stew in her own fluster.
I changed the subject, we finished our lunch, and that was that. No big deal right?
Except, the next time I saw her at work, she was very standoffish towards me. And she has begun snubbing communications, even going so far as to refuse relatively mundane assignments. Finally, I approached her yesterday with a project that I thought she would be jumping at the chance to get. It was essentially straight from a concept she had described to me before, based off of a suggestion she had originally made and expressed a strong desire in implementing.
"That's not something I'd be interested in helping you with," was her response.
I frowned. "Okay, I wasn't asking you to help me with it, this is based off of your idea, I thought you wanted to do this?"
"That's not what I had in mind, and I really don't want to work with you on it."
I didn't appreciate how she kept making it about me, implying in front of our coworkers that I was supplicating her for support. "Okay, but my personal involvement aside, is this something you want to do?" I said sternly.
"No."
"Okay, thanks," I said, and went back to work.
Now, I'm not sure how to proceed. There's no getting around the reality of working with this girl for at least the next six months, but I don't want it to be awkward and difficult, and I don't want her going around under the impression that I have ever elicited anything from her but platonic friendship. Would it be appropriate to send her an email trying to clarify and reassert my position? Or would that just make the situation worse?
My Head Hurts,
Daniel
