Advice to Get Her Back

[Jake88]

Hello, I thought I would post a brief rendition of my story, since this site seems very helpful.

I dated a girl for two years, and we had a fantastic relationship. Then, when things in our lives were changing, she broke up with me. She couldn't give me a reason as to why it happened. She said repeatedly, "The spark is gone, I don't know why", and other thoughts of nature. Even when I tried to reason with her that it could of been other things that are confusing her feelings towards me, she shut me down. You see, she is a VERY sensitive girl and somewhat insecure, and I love that about her; it seems to make her a genuine person. However, it was problematic then, because she could so rashly break things off with me. I was crushed and tried to reason with her for a couple weeks but to no avail. Three weeks after I told her I would try and move on, she wanted me back. At this point, I was repairing my life. I told her we could try, but I didn't know what would happen. Over the next year, we basically dated while not dating, and it happened so gradually that I didn't even realize. Long story short as you could have guessed, it was a mess! Her main issue with me was being good friends with other girls, and I hate to say it, when I thought things were over with us I was with another girl. Not all the way home! But close. Now, summer is here (we were college students), and she has put an end to us. I did a lot of reflecting and realized I resented her for breaking things off with me so needlessly, and I really do love her, even if I couldn't see it. It's not me needing to be in a relationship (as far as I can tell), this is genuine. I hate to say it (I've stopped since), but I begged for her back. She refused and refused, and to make matters worse, she started dating another guy. I don't know if it is a rebound or not? It seems to be. We weren't technically dating... but pretty much. As soon as school was ending and it looked like the end of us, BAM, she was talking with this guy. Only another month later, they were dating. She didn't even tell me. It was some dude that was friends with someone from work. She says she wants to have me in her life regardless of what is going on... you know... all of that. I have been cool and haven't talked to her about anything about us in a few weeks. Just an inside joke or something here or there. Now I need help to get her back... and I don't know how to do it. We might be going to different places, and I would be willing to work things out with her, but I need to find a way to show her that and get her back from this rebound.

 

[Quantum]

She has moved on and so should you. Go meet other women. It will be a lot more fun than what you're doing now.

 

[Jake88]

She has moved on and so should you. Go meet other women. It will be a lot more fun than what you're doing now.

Thanks for the advice. You think it is that cut and dry though, even though she basically jumped into another relationship? It just seems way too quick to be an actual relationship. This girl and I were so close a year ago that I was considering proposing. It's hard not to try every route to get her back, you know?

However, I do agree that doing that would be a lot more fun than what I'm doing now!

 

[Quantum]

Things often are that cut and dry, it just takes an outside perspective to see it. Maybe it is too quick for a relationship, maybe it is a rebound but at the end of the day, she's not with you.

It seems like you're so invested in this girl that you refuse to admit that it's over and it's time move on. Things may have been great in the past but it's still in the past. Focus on what's happening right now.

 

[Jake88]

Things often are that cut and dry, it just takes an outside perspective to see it. Maybe it is too quick for a relationship, maybe it is a rebound but at the end of the day, she's not with you.

Very true, but I wonder if she is worth the fight. I almost feel like she turned off her feelings, it almost seems like a waste not to try if you know what I mean. You're right though, she's not with me, but we were so great together it's so hard to stomach and move on. I don't know if I'm supposed to move on.

It seems like you're so invested in this girl that you refuse to admit that it's over and it's time move on. Things may have been great in the past but it's still in the past. Focus on what's happening right now.

And this is what makes everything so confusing. I'm very logical, but right now I'm fighting with my feelings a lot obviously. I know I'm very invested and that I might be blinded, but I don't know which way to turn.

 

[Drck]

Life is always complicated... as a man, you should learn to keep it simple. Make up your mind, decide what you want, then go with it. Tell her what you want, tell her that you really want her back and that you are ready to do anything to make it happen (if that is what you want). Then accept the outcome, either get back with her or if she rejects you move on without any regret, because you did everything you could...

Does any woman worth the fight? Just a rhetorical question...

 

[Jake88]

Life is always complicated... as a man, you should learn to keep it simple. Make up your mind, decide what you want, then go with it. Tell her what you want, tell her that you really want her back and that you are ready to do anything to make it happen (if that is what you want). Then accept the outcome, either get back with her or if she rejects you move on without any regret, because you did everything you could...

Does any woman worth the fight? Just a rhetorical question...

Hey Drck, thanks for the advice, man; it was helpful. That is indeed what I want. That ^^^ kind of straightforward approach is what I normally would do, and I'm trying to get back in that frame of mindset, but she has me really twisted. I'll call or text her (she won't talk with me on the phone as much right now because she knows I'm very persuasive and persistent I guess, so I text her more) that I want her back. I'll tell myself this is the last time, but I will always think of a 'what if' and text her again. She shuts me down, then I think of something else that could work but won't. It's because I'm in the mindset that I will do ANYTHING to get her back. It's been agonizing for the past month. It's an endless cycle. Esp. since I messed up too in spring, nothing too bad, but still I did.

I think maybe it's best that I try the no contact thing. At least then I can straighten up. I'll hang out with her a couple times and then do ^^^ and see how she responds. Hopefully by that point I will be able to pick my head up and leave without looking back.

One of my concerns is being friends with her though. I don't know if I should be or not if she rejects me. I don't want to be some crutch for her, but at the same time, I don't want to lose her and who knows, maybe we could get back together later.

 

[Drck]

Women always appreciate and respect man who stands after what he wants. A man who doesn't cave in because of other men, or women. A man who always wants sex and never appologizes for it.

The easiest but hardest way is to either nail her or leave her forever, meaning stop contacting her, let her reject you, or even you reject her and focus on other girls. Either sex or nothing, black and white, there is nothing in between. You are either in or you are out. But this style is quite difficult especially if you don't have abundance mentality: she is a nice person, good looking, there are always some vibes, you still think that you have a chance, and you might have a chance... She may totally reject you but she will always respect you as a man. The good thing is that she may change her mind and come back to you later on, say days, months or even years later...

Other way is to become an orbital, wait patiently till she gives in. She may or may not give in. If you are persistant for long time she could because she might get tired of you orbiting and orbiting... But you will never have much respect from her because you appear as a begger, she'll see you as an average guy easily replacable for someone else. You are trully never in, but you keep orbiting because you are not out either. She kind of needs orbitals so she feels comfortable while looking for real man, and if there is no man one of the orbitals falls in. But eventually she will (most likely) dump you anyway for someone who is more attractive, and then you will feel abandoned and hurt... Don't be an orbital, never...

Another way is to become friends. As a friend you will not make any sexual or romantic advances towards her, not untill she initites herself (e.g. invites you for dates or even home). You simply drop all sexual and romantic advances towards her. You can NEVER get upset when she talks about other men, or dates other men, you must remain "just a friend". You become just a friend who always has high sexual interest in other women - except her. You kind of talk to her but ignore her as a woman, and you tell her how much you like other women. She must know that you like other women a lot. Also, throw in some challenge: Say she is a blond - so you start saying that you like all the brunets, and you even hit on bruntets right infront of her. Tell her that brunets make you horny. Tell her: too bad you are not a brunet, you would be so attractive! You can even describe how you like sex with those other women. Basically, she must feel that you have strong sexual desire for women while she is close enough to you to reach you if she wants to. If she feels sexual desire while you are ignoring her sexuality, she will have to invest a lot into you, she will have to prove to you that she is also desirable woman. Once she starts investing, you are doing good. Watch for change in color of her hair! Till then though, you are out - you are not orbiting but at the same time you remain close enough to get in quickly... It is probably the best compromis. The risks are that you may fall for her anyway or suffer greatly when she choses someone else right infront of you. It migh be quite emotional rollercoaster for you.... The benefits are great though, she may change her mind fairly quickly as she recognizes strong sexual man in you, and as such she will always respect you and invest into you...

Good luck!