Aggressive Behavior?

[Rusty]

Hey guys,

I've got a bit of a dilemma here.

I love playing basketball. I'm a very competitive person, I play hard, I'm very physical and I don't like losing. I'm not a sore loser, though. I can take my losses, I don't pick fights and I usually am a man of good sportsmanship.

However, one thing I don't tolerate is talking trash about me, unrelated to basketball. I know that trash talk is a part of sports, but I don't take kindly to people who talk about me behind my back, but in front of me. Here's what I mean.

I was playing pickup basketball with some random guys at the park. I play very physical and I get a little handsy and I bump guys as they try to dribble past me, or when they cut to the basket. But this older gentleman didn't appreciate my style of play. I can understand this. He kept whining to me to stop playing so physically, so I backed off after a while.

But after the game, I kept hearing him talk about me and how I was playing and even though he thought he I was out of earshot, or whether he passively aggressively was trying to get under my skin, it worked.

I called him out.

"If you have something to say, say it louder, so I can hear it. If you have a problem, say it to me, instead of being passive aggressive about it."

He kept avoiding my eye contact and kept talking to the other guys about me. So I told him "If you have a problem, say it to my face".

We went back and forth for alittle, (with our words) and he says "I'm not saying sorry, I'm not fucking gonna say it, you're wrong... etc."

Me: "I never asked for an apology."

Anyways.. that is the gist of it.

Now, I would like your honest appraisal of the situation. Was I being a dick by confronting his passive aggressive trash talk, or was I in the clear for trying to clear the matter and confronting him?

I feel that part of my natural growth and development, especially while playing sports/exercising has raised my testosterone levels and aggression up a notch. What do I do here? Any feedback is appreciated and welcome.

 

[Aquila]

I don't see much of a dilemma here, the problem is that as a man, you need to know deep down your values and boundaries.

Aggressive behavior usually signals insecurity, not in control of the situation and a desire to feel in control even when they are not. That's how people ended up with violent behavior btw - shootings, disgruntled employee's mental breakdown, man murders his wife when he realizes she slept with another man etc.

While aggression may turn on some women, they are far more attracted to the man who is in control of their life and is totally chilled about it. In your case, it is clear that neither of you was in control, neither of you was the higher "value" (if that's the term) and the dominating guy, that's why the altercation went on and on.

For me, it's very simple when my boundaries are being challenged - how much does it matter to me? This helps filtering out all the trivial things that I can simply laugh off as. Everyone has a different threshold for boundaries, but don't be the guy who is always uptight and act like they have a stick up their butt, it's not attractive. (WHY DIDN'T YOU SERVE MY TABLE FIRST??! I WAS HERE BEFORE THEM! YOU DIDN'T RESPECT MY TIME! I DEMAND RESPECT FROM YOU!! lol.. I've seen this happened)

Now, if it does bother you, if what a stranger's opinion of you really does matter, then just go up to them and sort it out. Be firm in your frame, but also be WARM: "Hey guys, I noticed there might be some misunderstanding here..." and then proceed to explain the situation. Be calm and cool. Try and understand their perspective. Observe how the socially adept (and they are usually the real "alpha" who provide values) navigate through conflicts, if you are good, you might even end up making friends with those guys and earn their respect.

Reserve aggression until you have exhausted all the other options, and if the issue still bothers you. People who easily get angry or aggressive rarely bother me, let alone threaten me (unless they have weapons or guns lol..), as they are the ones who are not in control of their life and I've seen many cases where such people are manipulated by others, usually women. Don't be this guy!

If you figure out your values and boundaries, then things like this won't be a dilemma for you, you simply know what to do in situations like this, and if you choose to walk away, it wouldn't bother you even the slightest because you know and understand what you stand for.

 

[Rage]

I don't see much of a dilemma here, the problem is that as a man, you need to know deep down your values and boundaries.

Aggressive behavior usually signals insecurity, not in control of the situation and a desire to feel in control even when they are not. That's how people ended up with violent behavior btw - shootings, disgruntled employee's mental breakdown, man murders his wife when he realizes she slept with another man etc.

While aggression may turn on some women, they are far more attracted to the man who is in control of their life and is totally chilled about it. In your case, it is clear that neither of you was in control, neither of you was the higher "value" (if that's the term) and the dominating guy, that's why the altercation went on and on.

For me, it's very simple when my boundaries are being challenged - how much does it matter to me? This helps filtering out all the trivial things that I can simply laugh off as. Everyone has a different threshold for boundaries, but don't be the guy who is always uptight and act like they have a stick up their butt, it's not attractive. (WHY DIDN'T YOU SERVE MY TABLE FIRST??! I WAS HERE BEFORE THEM! YOU DIDN'T RESPECT MY TIME! I DEMAND RESPECT FROM YOU!! lol.. I've seen this happened)

Now, if it does bother you, if what a stranger's opinion of you really does matter, then just go up to them and sort it out. Be firm in your frame, but also be WARM: "Hey guys, I noticed there might be some misunderstanding here..." and then proceed to explain the situation. Be calm and cool. Try and understand their perspective. Observe how the socially adept (and they are usually the real "alpha" who provide values) navigate through conflicts, if you are good, you might even end up making friends with those guys and earn their respect.

Reserve aggression until you have exhausted all the other options, and if the issue still bothers you. People who easily get angry or aggressive rarely bother me, let alone threaten me (unless they have weapons or guns lol..), as they are the ones who are not in control of their life and I've seen many cases where such people are manipulated by others, usually women. Don't be this guy!

If you figure out your values and boundaries, then things like this won't be a dilemma for you, you simply know what to do in situations like this, and if you choose to walk away, it wouldn't bother you even the slightest because you know and understand what you stand for.

I think this is solid advice and my sentiments would be similar to Aquila; I think you're all right Rusty, and kept your cool and your frame not pushing it in an extreme or uncalled for way.

I'm similar to you (porlly lot of the other guys here are too) and copmetitive but not bitter or angry or taking it personally at all. You wanna do good and win really fucking bad, and its aggressive but it's all witha smile on your face.

Regarding the topic, I think Chase once advised me (or might have been Hector) something abotu a king and how he is dominant but balanced and grounded. He doesn't pick fights, and go and beat the crap out of anyone who gives hima dirty look becausse it is a poor use of his time his energies and doesnt help his value in any way. If someone is truly deserving of his wrath and is that big of a problem and a force that must be dealt with, then he delivers and delivers ina manner fitting the situation (like if someone is really wronging someone else or stealing a purse or kicking a baby in the face, yeah you'd probably wanna do something about it). But the trivial affairs and people are trivial and they win if you waste your tie giving in and picking the fight with them.

I think tehse moments always end up being a judgment call for myself (and they come up a lot): I sak myself, ok by not fighting or not provoiing them or reposnding to them, am I in my own mind and my own judgment A) being a pussy/bitch i.e. not doing what I should be and must be not responding with fight in the flight flight situation and knocking the guys teeth out who really should have this, and has done something amounting to him deserving it (fucker kicking babies or whatever), or by nto fighting/responding am I just making a better use of my time and energies and value and not wasting on this clearly worth-much-less of my time or aggressio n guy (who is also much lower on the food chain than I, inr egards to the king analogy and him just being a peasant).

USually it ends up being that second answer, and it feels fine doing that (thoguh that testosterone in you does kind of want you to go and jump and fight). It's the decision you tend to be glad you did after, more of the time.

So next tie a driver wants to fight me (and it's probably much more often that I should fucking have it be for myself lol), I'll just smile keep driving and not look their way, and they'll drive off even angrier that I didn't fight them or respond/react to them.

Don't feel like a bitch/pussy then; and feel chill and all right coming away from that thankfully

Rage