Am I being needy in my relationship?

[slashrfnr]

Hi all,

I've been with a girl for about 6 months. I'm 25. THis is my first relationship. Before this, I liked being single, and had a few flings, but never liked the girls enough to progress. I think it was more about validation. However, I was able to open myself up to this girl, and am now very happy with her. Previously, i have been very independent, and am quite happy alone, never needing too much company. This relationship is also the first time I have felt emotions, which is something I have struggled to understand,

We normally spend one night and one day of the weekend together. However, on Saturday gone by, she was ill, and couldn't make it over, and when I asked about Sunday, she said it was unlikely to. I was a bit disappointed because I always look forward to seeing her. However, I was able to entertain myself for the weekend. I had an enjoyable weekend, but did really miss hanging out with the person I consider to be my best friend. Its Monday today and she took the day off work as she is still ill.

By wanting to see her as much as I do, is this neediness? Or is it just because I enjoy spending time with this person as much as I do. For background, I have a life outside of her, have a decent job, but when it comes to the weekend, I prefer hanging out with her (who I have a deeper connection with) then my friends.

I don;t think it is needy because I've been so independent my whole life, but I'm just wondering if I might be wrong.

 

[Franco]

slashr,

Well, "feeling" needy and then "being" needy are certainly two different things, although the former can potentially be the cause of the latter.

The reason that we generally emphasize that guys have a "goal" or a "mission" in life (that doesn't involve his significant other -- or women in general) is that having a woman be the BEST thing in your life will inevitably lead to you depending on her for validation and/or happiness. So if that girl ever leaves you, suddenly your entire world falls apart because she was the center of it.

Ideally, every guy has something in his life that genuinely excites him when he has the opportunity to invest his time in it. If this were the case, then no guy would ever feel "lonely" or "sad" when the girl he likes and cares about isn't available to spend time with him -- he'd simply get excited about the fact that he has some extra time to work on his passion.

If it's your first relationship, it's understandable that the "feeling" of being needy is hitting you; it's likely that you haven't developed either (a) a true abundance mentality or (b) a mission or goal in life that supercedes women. Having one (or both) of these things helps deter needy thoughts, which in turn prevents needy actions.

The best thing you can do for now is to adopt a "fake it until you make it" mindset -- this means that you try your best not to SHOW neediness to your girlfriend while you attempt to cultivate a mindset that will not allow you to feel needy about her again. Adopting an abundance mentality is pretty difficult to do if you're in a monogamous relationship with a girl (assuming you don't already have an abundance mindset), but you can start working toward a mission or goal that truly engrosses you in something that you find more exciting and fulfilling than a single woman. This will probably take some introspection, but it's highly recommended you do it as soon as you possibly can so that needy thoughts don't creep into your head!

Hope that helps!

- Franco

 

[slashrfnr]

Hi Franco,

As always, great advice.

I haven't had a chance to read Chases article about life purpose/goal, as he says its best to do when you feel a bit more introspective, so forgive me if this is featured in the article, but are there examples of life purpose/goals? I'm very interested in charity and helping people, but am unsure whether thats too small/too large as a life goal.

I think its important to note that I don't feel I depend on her for happiness. I have quite high self esteem, and am sure that if I we broke up, I could replace her if I wanted to, maybe not with someone who I connected with as well as her. Also, as I've said, I've been single for the past 25 years, so I know that I don't need someone to be with someone to be happy. THis weekend was fine, and I never felt sad per se, its just her (and the accompanying sex) enrich my weekend. Although I agree that the life purpose thing is the best way forward, and something I will pursue regardless, I think the needy thing was just an overanalysis. GOing from being very unemotional person, to experiencing emotions has been very confusing for me, so I have spent a lot of time soul searching, and being introspective to work out I am. I like to deal with any issues of insecurity as they arise, and target the source of them, but have found the nature of being emotionally attached to someone difficult to handle. However, talking it out with people has helped quite a lot.

 

[Franco]

slashr,

I haven't had a chance to read Chases article about life purpose/goal, as he says its best to do when you feel a bit more introspective, so forgive me if this is featured in the article, but are there examples of life purpose/goals? I'm very interested in charity and helping people, but am unsure whether thats too small/too large as a life goal.

Generally you want to think relatively "large" with missions/goals. If the mission you have is something you can accomplish in two weeks, then it probably isn't much of a mission!

That being said, you do want to set fine-grained, concrete goals with your mission. So, taking your love of charity for example, a good mission might be, "I want to start my own charity that will one day receive enough funding to cure cancer by finding a way to successfully promoting the strengths of cancer research to the general public." That's a large task, and one that will give you plenty of fulfillment should you achieve it.

So just make sure to sit down and think about what you're passionate about and how you can convert that into something that gives you a greater purpose to pursue it. Give yourself some concrete goals with that passion that you know will require lots of effort on your part, but also make sure the goals are realistic and within your grasp (even if they seem rather out of grasp at first).

- Franco

 

[JimmyB]

Franco's diagnosis, per usual, is correct. There's a difference between not needing some one (we usually don't NEED women) and not being needy. When you actually do find a mission, something you are passionate about, girls become a side note. They become a bonus to your life that you bring along for the ride. And when that's the case, you SHOULD having feelings and miss your woman, because it means you have a caring relationship and that's an amazing thing. But you also have the rest of your life on a track that can't be derailed as easily as by a breakup. Ideally you see her once a week not because of what this site says or to make yourself scarce, but because you're busy and once a week is plenty of time to really enjoy with her, and then you get back to work. Eventually she may want to see more of you and you find ways for this to work. She is doing the pursuing. But this all stems from your passion. I'm starting to see just how fundamental passion and following a life mission is for men, and it's making understanding women much clearer.