Am I crazy?

[Thinkingenigma]

So I've been seeing this girl since I got back to Tennessee in May. It's not exclusive (but she's not seeing anyone) and I've become closer to her than I have to any other person I've ever known, except possibly one friend who I've known since childhood. She was a virgin when I met her, and it took quite a while before we had sex. It's not incredible, but it's good.

For reference, she's an ISFJ (http://www.16personalities.com/isfj-rel ... ips-dating) and I'm an ENTP (http://www.16personalities.com/entp-rel ... ips-dating), which means that we are exact opposites in personality type. While this itself hasn't been too much of an issue (thanks to deep diving on my part), I suspect that it is hampering our communications in other areas.

She's fairly fragile emotionally, and she's beginning to question whether I love her since I won't be exclusive. On the other hand, I'm getting a bit frustrated that she isn't as sexually adventurous as I am, and that she unintentionally ruined the good feelings her parents had towards me when she confided in them that we were messing around. She has this strange combination of overthinking, which causes her to not be able to make decisions quickly, yet at the same time not being able to properly analyze a situation and making really bad decisions when she's done thinking about them. This isn't a problem when I'm around, as I can catch flaws in her thought process and gently point them out to her, which she appreciates. However, when I'm not around, she's not a good decision maker, which is what led to the confession above.

She's an incredible girl. She's attractive, loyal, caring, and intellectually thoughtful (even if that doesn't carry over to her decision-making skills). We both love each other deeply, but I feel like we both want different things out of our relationship, and neither of us wants to budge. She wants the typical Christian girl fantasy of being a stay at home mom with a couple of kids, while I'm more interested in moving back to LA and making my mark in Hollywood and enjoying the lifestyle that comes with that. Both of those are totally legitimate dreams.

The problem is that we both want to pursue separate dreams, but still be in each others lives. I don't feel comfortable forcing her to give up her dreams for me, but I certainly don't intend on giving up mine for her. I feel like this has the potential to turn into a toxic situation since she can't give me up, yet at the same time, can't accept me on my terms.

I'm not really sure what I can do. On the one hand, I like her and want to keep her around. On the other, I feel like it would be better for me if I were to terminate the relationship. In the long term, it would also benefit her if I were to let her go, but in the short term it would probably worsen the depression that she struggles with (She's actually told me that she can't imagine life without me).

I'm an idiot for getting myself into this predicament again (which I've already run into with two other girls in the last 12 months, fuck me right?), but I'd like to extract myself from it without either compromising myself or making her feel used/betrayed/etc. It's a hard line to to find, and I know she won't emerge unscathed, but I'd like to at least minimize the fallout if possible. Any suggestions? Should I just continue with the relationship on my terms and let her deal with it how she will, or should I end it, and if so, how? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Franco]

TE,

I'm an idiot for getting myself into this predicament again (which I've already run into with two other girls in the last 12 months, fuck me right?), but I'd like to extract myself from it without either compromising myself or making her feel used/betrayed/etc. It's a hard line to to find, and I know she won't emerge unscathed, but I'd like to at least minimize the fallout if possible. Any suggestions? Should I just continue with the relationship on my terms and let her deal with it how she will, or should I end it, and if so, how? Any advice would be appreciated.

Yeah, this is a tough one. I generally don't find myself attracted to inexperienced girls anymore for most of the reasons you've listed above -- they're just so fragile and inexperienced that you feel like you can't get what you want out of a relationship with them, but at the same time, if you let them go, you rip their hearts out. It's not fun, and I don't like to be their "first love heartbreak" guy either. This is especially true if you've been implementing what we've taught you here; you literally might be the best guy she'll ever meet in her entire life, so now she has to spend the rest of her life dating guys who don't quite meet up to you. That's a tough cookie to swallow (and one I like to avoid).

It sounds like you should probably extract yourself from this situation if you're absolutely sure you don't want to be with her. The sooner she can experience some heartbreak and pain, the faster she can grow as a person. There are two approaches I see for leaving this situation:

• 1) Break things off in as nice a way as possible, still being the most amazing man she'll have ever met. This is just breaking things off peacefully and in a way that keeps her thinking fondly of you. Chase has some advice on that here.
  
  2) Break up with her by being a complete asshole about it. This one is actually very difficult to pull off if you come from a "nice guy" background and have a high level of empathy because it won't come natural to you. But if you break things off in a way where you never talk to her again and make it seem like you "used" her somewhat, then she'll view you as a complete asshole. The bright side to this is that it makes it much easier for her to get over you and find someone new, ultimately making her more happy in the long run (since you make it evident you were never someone she should have been with in the first place).

What you decide to do is up to you. Personally, I like to avoid all this nonsense now and just date more experienced women. They know the ropes, so this becomes a lot less of an issue with them.

- Franco