Am I Dead in the Water?

[Bronson13]

Hello all, I'm new to this forum - I'm usually pretty good with women, but every once in a while I completely "lose it" for one that I think is "perfect" for me, and I overthink it and completely screw it up. Here's my situation (apologies if this is super wordy but I need to get it all out!)

So, I came across a woman that seemed promising on an online dating site. (Full disclosure, she actually has a semi-popular youtube series, and I had known who she was ahead of time. But I didn't reveal that because I didn't want to come across as a dumb fanboy). I sent her a message thinking she wouldn't respond, but she did, and we talked back and forth for a day or two before we exchanged numbers. I asked her out for a drink, and she said she'd love to, but she was leaving for a long work trip in a few days (about a 3-week trip), but she'd love to have the drink when she got back, "if some other girl hasn't already snatched you up." THEN she suggested that we have a phone date while she was on her trip. I said that I'd be into it. We also exchanged Instagrams and commented on each other's pics.

A day or two later - the night before she left for the trip - we were texting back and forth having a really fun conversation for about an hour, and she said, "I kind of want to hear your voice." I made a joke about sounding like Pee Wee Herman, and then said, "wanna talk?" and she said yes, so I called her and we had a really great phone conversation for an hour. Finally it got late so she said she had to finish packing, and we had a nice goodbye with a promise to talk soon.

Fast forward 3 or 4 days, she's on her trip. I sent her a quick little text saying something about how I hoped the weather was better where she was. Y'know, just something dumb to hold interest. I got NO response. I figured, hey, she's crazy busy and can't be bothered while she's on her trip, I'll play it cool and wait until she comes back.

Meanwhile, during this time I was going on dates with other women, but in the back of my mind was still thinking about this one on the work trip.

So, she gets back from her trip after several weeks, so I wait a few days and then send her a "hey how was the trip?" text. (It was better than that, I used a nickname for her and referred to an inside joke, but that was the gist of it). NOTHING. No response. Just STONEWALLED.

That was a few days ago. And then, just yesterday, she unfollowed me on Instagram.

SO. What did I do wrong? Did I wait too long? I was trying to take her hint and be cool about not bugging her on her work trip. Is there anything I can do here to recover, or is it just totally un-salvageable? Is she just a jerk? Am I just clueless? She's got my mind all twisted up.

Thanks for reading, and HELP!!

 

[Franco]

Bronson,

Welcome to the boards!

The first thing to understand about online dating is that it is very volatile. No interaction prior to meeting up is ever guaranteed to lead to you meeting up; you can have one of the most amazing conversations with a girl ever, and then she never talks to you again. That's just the way the ball rolls. See Chase's recent article here for a better idea of that:

• Indecision is a Woman's Prerogative (and She Likes it That Way)

Next, it sounds to me like you gave her a bit too much. These days, I only contact a girl if the point of the conversation or the text is to attempt to meet up with her. Texting her again while she was on her trip definitely came across as a bit needy, and although it may not have been the death knell to the interaction, it certainly did not help. Guys always assume they need to "keep a girl interested" by sending her a text, but usually the effect is exactly the opposite of the intention. If you're a truly valuable guy, you're probably spending your time chatting with and/or sleeping with other women while she's on vacation -- why would you be texting a girl that let you know she won't be available for a few weeks (unless she's the "best" you think you could get)?

It's also possible that what you considered to be a "great" interaction on the phone wasn't really a "great" interaction for her. Maybe she was hoping to have phone sex with a cute guy who has a great voice, and instead you had a very platonic interaction talking about your hobbies and interests and life stories. A girl who's talking to a guy she hasn't met in person and only on the internet isn't looking to have some deep conversation with you on the phone; she's looking for a fun conversation that gets her excited about possibly meeting you.

The bottom line, however, is that online dating is an extreme numbers game. If you're going to go that route, you need to be completely at peace with the fact that a girl can flake at any time before actually meeting up with her, so never commit to the idea that something is going "well" with a girl until you're already on the date with her and leading her.

Hope this clears things up!

- Franco

 

[Bronson13]

Yes, thank you, that all makes sense. Sometimes it's easy to forget about the volatility of the online thing. Thank you for the reply!!