Do you remember the first time you were ever told "no"? For me, like many people, it was at a very young age by a parent who refused to give me something I wanted. What a sting! All at once my infantile sense of entitlement was crushed into smithereens.
Fast-forward to now, and I'm still learning how to deal with rejection. Today I'd like to take a minute to write about what I've come to understand about it.
What is Rejection?
Most of the time on Girls Chase, when people talk about rejection, they're referring to a scenario in which one interacts with a female, having some intent or objective in mind, and is refuted, rebuffed, or dismissed, thus failing to accomplish their desired goal. But rejection happens in every aspect of life:
So to break it down, there are a few components:
1. Desire. You want something.
2. Cooperation. You need someone else's help.
3. Refusal. Someone decides not to cooperate.
That's basically it. Notice -- and this is important -- it does not include "not being good enough." There are any number of reasons why a person who fully merits cooperation is still met with rejection. This means that rejection is not a very accurate evaluation; it's just an estimation. One rejection means very little. If you find yourself rejected in 100/100 cases, that's fairly strong evidence that your means don't merit your desires. However, it's still not a guarantee. In fact, if you look at many examples in history and life, the most meaningful and significant contributions to society are often rejected over and over before finally succeeding. Many artists aren't appreciated at all until after their deaths. Why that is, is beyond the scope of this discussion, but something to ponder. So remember, just because you find yourself rejected, don't take it personally; continue to work on improvement, but understand that it's not an accurate measure of your value.
How to Deal With Rejection
One more thing to note about the nature of rejection: it usually hurts. And it hurts proportionally to both your desires and your ego. The more entitled you are, the more rejection stings. The stronger your desires, the greater the sense of loss when you're met with rejection. What are the antidotes to these sources of pain? Humility and perspective. Realize that:
What About When You're the One Doing the Rejection?
Up until now I've only discussed being on the receiving end of rejection. But just as frequently in life, we're the ones dishing out rejection. Many times we don't even realize it. This is very natural -- it protects us from having to see ourselves as the "bad guy" -- but I think it's worth it to try to be mindful of rejecting others, both so that we can be gracious about it when it's necessary, and so that we can avoid it when it's truly unwarranted. I have a friend who frequently becomes overtly hostile towards anything he's critical of. If it doesn't meet his standards in some way, it's garbage and he's gonna trash it. Be wary of this sort of defense mechanism; what goes around comes around. Similarly, if you dismiss people and prospects too quickly, you will miss out on great opportunities that lay somewhere beneath the surface.
Final Thoughts
In reflecting on rejection prior to writing this, I read this study in depth (not just the abstract!). I won't go into it too deeply, but one of the big take-aways for me was the perceived connection between rejection and self. Our selves are the greatest constant in our lives; if we tie rejection or failure to our ideas of self, we will inevitably see them as constants too. I speculate that this is partly the source of the effectiveness of placebos; we are far more likely to succeed or fail if we think we will.
So next time someone tells you "no", don't be offended. In the words of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes... you get what you need."
Fast-forward to now, and I'm still learning how to deal with rejection. Today I'd like to take a minute to write about what I've come to understand about it.
What is Rejection?
Most of the time on Girls Chase, when people talk about rejection, they're referring to a scenario in which one interacts with a female, having some intent or objective in mind, and is refuted, rebuffed, or dismissed, thus failing to accomplish their desired goal. But rejection happens in every aspect of life:
- You don't get accepted to a particular university
- Your book/song/movie script/work of art is rejected by a publisher
- You don't get a job you applied for
- You are refused a loan due to insufficient credit
- You're friend refuses to do you a favor, even if they have a good reason
- Someone you've been dating breaks up with you or otherwise unilaterally degrades the relationship to a lower level
- You're spouse decides they want a divorce
So to break it down, there are a few components:
1. Desire. You want something.
2. Cooperation. You need someone else's help.
3. Refusal. Someone decides not to cooperate.
That's basically it. Notice -- and this is important -- it does not include "not being good enough." There are any number of reasons why a person who fully merits cooperation is still met with rejection. This means that rejection is not a very accurate evaluation; it's just an estimation. One rejection means very little. If you find yourself rejected in 100/100 cases, that's fairly strong evidence that your means don't merit your desires. However, it's still not a guarantee. In fact, if you look at many examples in history and life, the most meaningful and significant contributions to society are often rejected over and over before finally succeeding. Many artists aren't appreciated at all until after their deaths. Why that is, is beyond the scope of this discussion, but something to ponder. So remember, just because you find yourself rejected, don't take it personally; continue to work on improvement, but understand that it's not an accurate measure of your value.
How to Deal With Rejection
One more thing to note about the nature of rejection: it usually hurts. And it hurts proportionally to both your desires and your ego. The more entitled you are, the more rejection stings. The stronger your desires, the greater the sense of loss when you're met with rejection. What are the antidotes to these sources of pain? Humility and perspective. Realize that:
- You can't control other people
- Others' actions don't define your worth
- Life isn't "fair" -- but it is unbiased
- What you think you want isn't always what's best
- There's almost always still more opportunity than you think (abundance mentality)
- Nobody is perfect, but everyone has value
- Whatever it is, it's probably not about you as much as you think
What About When You're the One Doing the Rejection?
Up until now I've only discussed being on the receiving end of rejection. But just as frequently in life, we're the ones dishing out rejection. Many times we don't even realize it. This is very natural -- it protects us from having to see ourselves as the "bad guy" -- but I think it's worth it to try to be mindful of rejecting others, both so that we can be gracious about it when it's necessary, and so that we can avoid it when it's truly unwarranted. I have a friend who frequently becomes overtly hostile towards anything he's critical of. If it doesn't meet his standards in some way, it's garbage and he's gonna trash it. Be wary of this sort of defense mechanism; what goes around comes around. Similarly, if you dismiss people and prospects too quickly, you will miss out on great opportunities that lay somewhere beneath the surface.
Final Thoughts
In reflecting on rejection prior to writing this, I read this study in depth (not just the abstract!). I won't go into it too deeply, but one of the big take-aways for me was the perceived connection between rejection and self. Our selves are the greatest constant in our lives; if we tie rejection or failure to our ideas of self, we will inevitably see them as constants too. I speculate that this is partly the source of the effectiveness of placebos; we are far more likely to succeed or fail if we think we will.
So next time someone tells you "no", don't be offended. In the words of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes... you get what you need."
