First post in nearly a year.
In early 2021, I got serious about learning Cold Approach, and after some pretty grueling months, finally made my first lay from a street Cold Approach. But I confess that soon after that, rather than continuing to improve I fell into a long-term-relationship with a dating app girl, which kept me away from improving until I broke up with her about 1.5 months ago. So now I'm back.
I just got rejected by a girl, and the situation is a bit confusing to me still:
Me (age 30, asian, fairly fit, went to good school, with good job, with some matching cool hobbies)
She (age 24, asian, a bit less fit, went to good school, has good job, has cool hobbies too)
We met at a music event at someone's apartment. I had played music earlier, so she probably saw me as an audience member. Later, it was like "closing time", and the hosts were kicking us out. But she "bumped into me", and we began a conversation. I knew that she was interested, otherwise you normally wouldn't try to start a new conversation with someone new right when we're being kicked out. So within 45 seconds of the conversation, I asked for her number so we could "connect".
I sent her some brief texts before quickly asking her to meet for a casual coffee, which she agreed to, but 2 weeks from then. I continued sending her some light texts, and at some point she said she prefers talking in person, at which point I radio silenced until the date. Perhaps this was a mistake, and sending her texts at this point made me seem needy. In my defense, we hadn't established too much of a rapport either in person or over text, so it seemed possible that she'd flake on me since the agreed upon date was so far in the future (2 weeks).
Anyway, we met for brunch. And actually had an amazing connection and conversation. I've been on probably 50-70 dates over the years, and this was definitely a once-per-year quality of connection. So I was actually pretty into this girl, and she was definitely into me. I asked her to take a walk with me, which she agreed to. Then I led her to my part of town (20 minutes by walk), which she agreed to. Then she said she has to go, and was heading towards the subway. I stopped her by saying "hey, want to try some Japanese whiskey?", for which she agreed to come back to my place. I definitely used many techniques learned over the years to make this smooth transition happen (use touch to sexualize the vibe, talk about things in my apartment in advanced (japanese whiskey) so she's primed to accept the invitation, being casual and smooth and leading her to make it seem like "it just happened", etc.). At my place, I poured her some whiskey and we listened to some music on the couch together. At the appropriate time, I leaned over and kissed her, which she happily reciprocated. We then layed down on the couch together and cuddled for a bit and kissed more, before she declared she had to leave to do something (I forgot what).
I let her go. Because I was also a bit tight on time and legitimately had to get some packing done before grabbing a train about an hour later. This was definitely a mistake though (that I made almost exactly 1 year earlier!). I should have persisted and moved mountains to try to have sex with her that day.
Anyway, I texted her again a few days later asking to meet again, for which she said she's free Saturday morning. I suggested coffee, and chose somewhere near her place, which she agreed to. A few days later, she gave me some excuse for why she wants to move it to Sunday, and I said that's fine, it's actually better for me (which is true, because I had another date Saturday lunch, so Sunday would have legitimately been easier). Anyway, this was perhaps another mistake, because I chose a place close to her, and agreed to her proposed time, and the time change too easily, making me seem too available.
Anyway, we did end up meeting for 2nd date coffee on Sunday morning. She was about 15 minutes late (despite being really close to her apartment), I didn't make any fuss about it. Which shows a lack of neediness, but also lets her "get away" with bad behavior, so I'm not sure what I could have done better.
When she arrived, I hugged her, and went for a kiss on the lips, which she deflected so I ended up kissing her cheek instead. This was a bit of an awkward start, but I shrugged it off as smoothly as possible. We got coffee, and had another fairly amazing conversation. We went for a walk together, which was also really nice. I did get to kiss her during the walk, for which she admitted she has a problem with PDA (public display of affection). During the conversation I tried to tease her, and not make it too easy. At the end, I tried to invite myself to her place (which was my plan all along), but she steadfastly refused because her place is too messy and she doesn't let anyone see it. At this point... I figured nothing was going to happen today. She had to practice her instrument to prepare for something, so she was sort of angling to end the interaction too. And it seems like too much of an effort to invite her to take an uber all the way across town to my place. So I let the interaction end, hugged and kissed her again.
A day later (yesterday), I asked if we could hang out more casually next time, maybe food/wine at my place. She responded 28 hours later with one of those long 2 paragraph long texts. First paragraph went something like "I had a really amazing time Sunday, ...". Second paragraph went something like "That said, I want to focus on myself right now (music, work, friends, travel), and have no time for dating. I'd like to hang out, but I don't want to give you the wrong impression ..."
I responded with "Understood. Yeah you gave off the 'not dating' vibe, which I liked because I'm not looking to date (just ended a LTR). If you want to "hang out", that'd be fun
Otherwise, see you around at ____ events". This was me doing a Hail Mary attempt to recover the situation, though it's pretty low odds. I figured I'd try to:
- not seem hurt/needy
- indicate I understood her and was sort of expecting this text
- tease her sexually and paint myself as less of a prim/proper boyfriend candidate
- indicate pre-selection by revealing I just ended a LTR with another girl
So, thanks for reading through this rant. What do you guys think? I'm trying to gauge how much of her rejection was just a "polite rejection", or if it's really true that she wants to focus on music, work, social circle, travel, and doesn't want to date right now.
I'm confused, because I displayed LOADS of value to her (so much so that I was fairly worried she'd slot me into boyfriend category and resist any fast intimacy). I also displayed loads of calibration, mysteriousness, elegance, sophistication. I think I did a good job displaying sexiness too, by teasing her about sexual things ocassionally during our conversations, and going for the kiss on that first date (although perhaps not enough, I should have tried harder to escalate towards sex on that first date).
I sort of understand that a girl just out of college, exploring NYC for the first time, embarking on an exciting career, wouldn't want to prematurely lock herself up in a relationship with an older more stable guy. But then again, I find it hard to believe she'd turn down a high quality match (maybe I'm too used to dating girls in their late 20s who try to lock me down really hard because they're reaching their 30s.)
Anyway, did I make any other mistakes besides the ones I already identified?
In early 2021, I got serious about learning Cold Approach, and after some pretty grueling months, finally made my first lay from a street Cold Approach. But I confess that soon after that, rather than continuing to improve I fell into a long-term-relationship with a dating app girl, which kept me away from improving until I broke up with her about 1.5 months ago. So now I'm back.
I just got rejected by a girl, and the situation is a bit confusing to me still:
Me (age 30, asian, fairly fit, went to good school, with good job, with some matching cool hobbies)
She (age 24, asian, a bit less fit, went to good school, has good job, has cool hobbies too)
We met at a music event at someone's apartment. I had played music earlier, so she probably saw me as an audience member. Later, it was like "closing time", and the hosts were kicking us out. But she "bumped into me", and we began a conversation. I knew that she was interested, otherwise you normally wouldn't try to start a new conversation with someone new right when we're being kicked out. So within 45 seconds of the conversation, I asked for her number so we could "connect".
I sent her some brief texts before quickly asking her to meet for a casual coffee, which she agreed to, but 2 weeks from then. I continued sending her some light texts, and at some point she said she prefers talking in person, at which point I radio silenced until the date. Perhaps this was a mistake, and sending her texts at this point made me seem needy. In my defense, we hadn't established too much of a rapport either in person or over text, so it seemed possible that she'd flake on me since the agreed upon date was so far in the future (2 weeks).
Anyway, we met for brunch. And actually had an amazing connection and conversation. I've been on probably 50-70 dates over the years, and this was definitely a once-per-year quality of connection. So I was actually pretty into this girl, and she was definitely into me. I asked her to take a walk with me, which she agreed to. Then I led her to my part of town (20 minutes by walk), which she agreed to. Then she said she has to go, and was heading towards the subway. I stopped her by saying "hey, want to try some Japanese whiskey?", for which she agreed to come back to my place. I definitely used many techniques learned over the years to make this smooth transition happen (use touch to sexualize the vibe, talk about things in my apartment in advanced (japanese whiskey) so she's primed to accept the invitation, being casual and smooth and leading her to make it seem like "it just happened", etc.). At my place, I poured her some whiskey and we listened to some music on the couch together. At the appropriate time, I leaned over and kissed her, which she happily reciprocated. We then layed down on the couch together and cuddled for a bit and kissed more, before she declared she had to leave to do something (I forgot what).
I let her go. Because I was also a bit tight on time and legitimately had to get some packing done before grabbing a train about an hour later. This was definitely a mistake though (that I made almost exactly 1 year earlier!). I should have persisted and moved mountains to try to have sex with her that day.
Anyway, I texted her again a few days later asking to meet again, for which she said she's free Saturday morning. I suggested coffee, and chose somewhere near her place, which she agreed to. A few days later, she gave me some excuse for why she wants to move it to Sunday, and I said that's fine, it's actually better for me (which is true, because I had another date Saturday lunch, so Sunday would have legitimately been easier). Anyway, this was perhaps another mistake, because I chose a place close to her, and agreed to her proposed time, and the time change too easily, making me seem too available.
Anyway, we did end up meeting for 2nd date coffee on Sunday morning. She was about 15 minutes late (despite being really close to her apartment), I didn't make any fuss about it. Which shows a lack of neediness, but also lets her "get away" with bad behavior, so I'm not sure what I could have done better.
When she arrived, I hugged her, and went for a kiss on the lips, which she deflected so I ended up kissing her cheek instead. This was a bit of an awkward start, but I shrugged it off as smoothly as possible. We got coffee, and had another fairly amazing conversation. We went for a walk together, which was also really nice. I did get to kiss her during the walk, for which she admitted she has a problem with PDA (public display of affection). During the conversation I tried to tease her, and not make it too easy. At the end, I tried to invite myself to her place (which was my plan all along), but she steadfastly refused because her place is too messy and she doesn't let anyone see it. At this point... I figured nothing was going to happen today. She had to practice her instrument to prepare for something, so she was sort of angling to end the interaction too. And it seems like too much of an effort to invite her to take an uber all the way across town to my place. So I let the interaction end, hugged and kissed her again.
A day later (yesterday), I asked if we could hang out more casually next time, maybe food/wine at my place. She responded 28 hours later with one of those long 2 paragraph long texts. First paragraph went something like "I had a really amazing time Sunday, ...". Second paragraph went something like "That said, I want to focus on myself right now (music, work, friends, travel), and have no time for dating. I'd like to hang out, but I don't want to give you the wrong impression ..."
I responded with "Understood. Yeah you gave off the 'not dating' vibe, which I liked because I'm not looking to date (just ended a LTR). If you want to "hang out", that'd be fun
Otherwise, see you around at ____ events". This was me doing a Hail Mary attempt to recover the situation, though it's pretty low odds. I figured I'd try to:- not seem hurt/needy
- indicate I understood her and was sort of expecting this text
- tease her sexually and paint myself as less of a prim/proper boyfriend candidate
- indicate pre-selection by revealing I just ended a LTR with another girl
So, thanks for reading through this rant. What do you guys think? I'm trying to gauge how much of her rejection was just a "polite rejection", or if it's really true that she wants to focus on music, work, social circle, travel, and doesn't want to date right now.
I'm confused, because I displayed LOADS of value to her (so much so that I was fairly worried she'd slot me into boyfriend category and resist any fast intimacy). I also displayed loads of calibration, mysteriousness, elegance, sophistication. I think I did a good job displaying sexiness too, by teasing her about sexual things ocassionally during our conversations, and going for the kiss on that first date (although perhaps not enough, I should have tried harder to escalate towards sex on that first date).
I sort of understand that a girl just out of college, exploring NYC for the first time, embarking on an exciting career, wouldn't want to prematurely lock herself up in a relationship with an older more stable guy. But then again, I find it hard to believe she'd turn down a high quality match (maybe I'm too used to dating girls in their late 20s who try to lock me down really hard because they're reaching their 30s.)
Anyway, did I make any other mistakes besides the ones I already identified?
