Anxiety, guilt and pride over a oneitis mistake

[ElChe]

Hey everyone,
I'm reaching out to this community because I made a big fucking mistake, and would like some understanding but also maybe a slap in the face.

Long story short, I fell for my dance teacher in college last February, then dropped the class and kept trying to forget her.

We had some email exchanges and I wrote her a testimonial (cuz I actually liked her class), she said I could stop by class and then some other stuff happened.

I kept wanting to forget it but the damn oneitis kept pulling me back.

I never wanted a relationship with her but I did want to befriend her. When the semester ended, I asked her to a coffee chat to discuss her philosophies. It went okay but at the end I asked if she'd be willing to meet up again and she said "I'm willing to meet up in regards to teaching".

It kinda freaked me out, so I clarified my intentions via email, but I freaking blocked her email for like a day and I don't know if she ever responded.

(I'm sure she knew the whole time I had feelings for her-- I should've been honest about it in person)

So the whole summer, I tried forgetting her and staying productive/happy. There were some other girls. But I couldn't get her out of my mind.

And then I made the big mistake!

Somehow I started believing that maybe she DID like me, and I confessed my feelings via email. Really fucking stupid.

She responds eventually:

"Elche,
Do not contact me further. I wish you well and encourage you to seek supportive counsel and community.
If you continue to contact me, I will be required to involve various authoritative departments."



So I know I'm a fucking dumbass and utterly misread everything.

But the guilt and paranoia in this situation... it very well may eat me alive.

I feel so judged and my pride is triggered, and I feel broken and like it's my fault because I'm not good with girls, and feel like I might lose my friends (cuz one friend kept telling me to let it go), and I just never asked for those feelings or this situation and it freaking sucks!

I feel very small and weak .

Obviously I will never contact her again. I have a year left in college and I just want to lock into my classes and get out of the U.S.
But I'm so so scared, honestly. I thought I was a good person in this scenario but things have gotten so fucked.

If anybody has any advice for how to stay sharp in school, how to get over my hangups with women (I'm so unmotivated in that), and how to let go of all the judgement and bad feelings and stay grounded/masculine (paranoia ruins your masculinity), I'd appreciate it.

And I appreciate any heartfelt messages and any strong recommendations.

Please be honest with me!
I need a wakeup call

 

[Hunter O-2]

Hey everyone,
I'm reaching out to this community because I made a big fucking mistake, and would like some understanding but also maybe a slap in the face.

Long story short, I fell for my dance teacher in college last February, then dropped the class and kept trying to forget her.

We had some email exchanges and I wrote her a testimonial (cuz I actually liked her class), she said I could stop by class and then some other stuff happened.

I kept wanting to forget it but the damn oneitis kept pulling me back.

I never wanted a relationship with her but I did want to befriend her. When the semester ended, I asked her to a coffee chat to discuss her philosophies. It went okay but at the end I asked if she'd be willing to meet up again and she said "I'm willing to meet up in regards to teaching".

It kinda freaked me out, so I clarified my intentions via email, but I freaking blocked her email for like a day and I don't know if she ever responded.

(I'm sure she knew the whole time I had feelings for her-- I should've been honest about it in person)

So the whole summer, I tried forgetting her and staying productive/happy. There were some other girls. But I couldn't get her out of my mind.

And then I made the big mistake!

Somehow I started believing that maybe she DID like me, and I confessed my feelings via email. Really fucking stupid.

She responds eventually:

"Elche,
Do not contact me further. I wish you well and encourage you to seek supportive counsel and community.
If you continue to contact me, I will be required to involve various authoritative departments."



So I know I'm a fucking dumbass and utterly misread everything.

But the guilt and paranoia in this situation... it very well may eat me alive.

I feel so judged and my pride is triggered, and I feel broken and like it's my fault because I'm not good with girls, and feel like I might lose my friends (cuz one friend kept telling me to let it go), and I just never asked for those feelings or this situation and it freaking sucks!

I feel very small and weak .

Obviously I will never contact her again. I have a year left in college and I just want to lock into my classes and get out of the U.S.
But I'm so so scared, honestly. I thought I was a good person in this scenario but things have gotten so fucked.

If anybody has any advice for how to stay sharp in school, how to get over my hangups with women (I'm so unmotivated in that), and how to let go of all the judgement and bad feelings and stay grounded/masculine (paranoia ruins your masculinity), I'd appreciate it.

And I appreciate any heartfelt messages and any strong recommendations.

Please be honest with me!
I need a wakeup call

I feel like the only way to truly get over her is to meet more women it always works out when you active with your dating life and honestly after that you'll find out nobody cares about you confessing feelings or whatever look enjoy your final year ,meet some new awesome girls,hone your talents and skills thats how I got over my one itis back in the day and met an awesome girlfriend that made me forget all my messups with women in the past I'm curious why do you want to leave America ?

 

[ElChe]

I feel like the only way to truly get over her is to meet more women it always works out when you active with your dating life and honestly after that you'll find out nobody cares about you confessing feelings or whatever look enjoy your final year ,meet some new awesome girls,hone your talents and skills thats how I got over my one itis back in the day and met an awesome girlfriend that made me forget all my messups with women in the past I'm curious why do you want to leave America ?

Thanks for the reply man. Yeah you're right, this situation will pass and nobody will care. It was just a dumb guy confessing his feelings 🫠.

I want to leave America cause my friend has a plan to go to Barcelona. It could be an exciting adventure! I also don't wanna have a car. But we'll see what happens

 

[Hunter O-2]

Thanks for the reply man. Yeah you're right, this situation will pass and nobody will care. It was just a dumb guy confessing his feelings 🫠.

I want to leave America cause my friend has a plan to go to Barcelona. It could be an exciting adventure! I also don't wanna have a car. But we'll see what happens

Yeah it happens ,but I can tell you are a cool guy so you'll be fine go for that adventure and get some girls in Barcelona

 

[TwoNameGame]

Fortunately, one learns best from mistakes.

I'm sure you beat yourself up with "What ifs?" and what you "should've" done. While I can't promise you won't get in trouble, I can assure you that you will think of this moment as a game-changer. I bet you now know what to focus on.

What made her "the one"? Learn about your type and start screening women to find others like her. Eventually, you'll find others like her because the world is awesome, and so are plenty of people.

What led you to chase? Learn about frames and what it takes for you to resist other frames. I am sure you see the pitfalls of chasing and why it is never recommended no matter how tempting it seems. "Girls Chase" is a warning as much as a friendly tip.

Why do you feel bad (besides the scare of the faculty getting involved? That is rational)? Is it because you had your frame refused or because you feel like rejection like this "implies" you are less of a person? Girls don't reject you, they reject your game. Learn how to generate real interest and test it with compliance.

I have no doubt that once you find the answers to your doubts, you'll have a rock-solid control of your game. The pain you feel is nothing compared to the pride of knowing you overcame your obstacles.

 

[ElChe]

Fortunately, one learns best from mistakes.

I'm sure you beat yourself up with "What ifs?" and what you "should've" done. While I can't promise you won't get in trouble, I can assure you that you will think of this moment as a game-changer. I bet you now know what to focus on.

What made her "the one"? Learn about your type and start screening women to find others like her. Eventually, you'll find others like her because the world is awesome, and so are plenty of people.

What led you to chase? Learn about frames and what it takes for you to resist other frames. I am sure you see the pitfalls of chasing and why it is never recommended no matter how tempting it seems. "Girls Chase" is a warning as much as a friendly tip.

Why do you feel bad (besides the scare of the faculty getting involved? That is rational)? Is it because you had your frame refused or because you feel like rejection like this "implies" you are less of a person? Girls don't reject you, they reject your game. Learn how to generate real interest and test it with compliance.

I have no doubt that once you find the answers to your doubts, you'll have a rock-solid control of your game. The pain you feel is nothing compared to the pride of knowing you overcame your obstacles.

Really appreciate the reply. Yeah, this has been a big wakeup call for me, and is causing me to let go of a lot apathy, paranoia and guilt.

I feel bad because I probably made her feel unsafe and gave her anxiety. I actually really respect and appreciate her-- as a person and teacher, beyond the feelings. For 95% of our interactions, I wanted to be her friend and supporter. No agenda. But then she seemingly rejected my friendship so I started to think "hm?".

The miscalibration has strengthened my resolve to get better at earning women's trust and having them be at ease around me. I want to let go of all neediness and manipulation.

So I just really want to be a good person

It feels like there is a lot of sludge to go through for me to start taking seduction seriously again.

But this was like my dream girl (embodied, super feminine, quirky but very honest and loving weirdo art girl) and it hurts a lot that she doesn't trust or respect me anymore.

One thing for sure is I NEVER want a situation like this-- where a girl I appreciate feels unsafe-- to happen again.

And I refuse to have my motivation for work and studying fucked with again.

I know I have a ton of value to give women but I've gotta stop wallowing in fear and guilt and take some responsibility for the kind of man I want to be.

 

[TwoNameGame]

But this was like my dream girl (embodied, super feminine, quirky but very honest and loving weirdo art girl) and it hurts a lot that she doesn't trust or respect me anymore.

The good news is I have seen a few girls like these, as rare as they may initially seem. They happen to be my type too. Hope is out there.

I'm glad to see you remain firm and not bitter. Remember: reading emotions is key to knowing when to escalate.

 

[ElChe]

The good news is I have seen a few girls like these, as rare as they may initially seem. They happen to be my type too. Hope is out there.

I'm glad to see you remain firm and not bitter. Remember: reading emotions is key to knowing when to escalate.

Yeah, I've never felt bitter towards her. I was self aware about everything (that there was a very low chance I'd get with her, but also she's like 10 years older than me and I wouldn't want a committed relationship beyond when I graduated anyway).

I think she's a good person, and so am I. In all my other interactions with her, I was super nice and awesome. Just one misstep and now all my past actions are painted in a new light.

But whatever. I guess if you wanna really get good at something, you've gotta accept that you're gonna do stupid things at first. It will be lost in memory someday.

 

[POB]

Ok @ElChe , a lot to unpack here.
I think you are aware of your major mistakes, but I'd like to chime in with some pointers that maybe will make sense to you:

1) It's her fricking working environment...think about it, she can get into serious trouble for hooking up with a student!!! Plus in this day and age of social media, it could end her career for good if word gets out there;

2) She made it clear that the first date was all business..and you still pushed for more. Once she said "I'm willing to meet up in regards to teaching" you should've bailed for good;

3) You made advancements through fucking e-mail....which means it's registered and printed, which means she could really fuck you over for harassment (thank god she has a cool head);

4) Maybe she really had some genuine interested in you, but the situation clearly prevents any kind of sexual interaction with her students...it was wrong from the get go;

Good news is this is a great life lesson! I'm pretty sure you will never fuck up this bad again, because now you have the tools to assert some self-control and read the situation BEFORE taking action.

But don't beat yourself over this.
If I tell you some of my major mistakes with women, you'll ask how I am able to still stand and go out lol.

 

[ElChe]

Ok @ElChe , a lot to unpack here.
I think you are aware of your major mistakes, but I'd like to chime in with some pointers that maybe will make sense to you:

1) It's her fricking working environment...think about it, she can get into serious trouble for hooking up with a student!!! Plus in this day and age of social media, it could end her career for good if word gets out there;

2) She made it clear that the first date was all business..and you still pushed for more. Once she said "I'm willing to meet up in regards to teaching" you should've bailed for good;

3) You made advancements through fucking e-mail....which means it's registered and printed, which means she could really fuck you over for harassment (thank god she has a cool head);

4) Maybe she really had some genuine interested in you, but the situation clearly prevents any kind of sexual interaction with her students...it was wrong from the get go;

Good news is this is a great life lesson! I'm pretty sure you will never fuck up this bad again, because now you have the tools to assert some self-control and read the situation BEFORE taking action.

But don't beat yourself over this.
If I tell you some of my major mistakes with women, you'll ask how I am able to still stand and go out lol.

I appreciate this a lot man.

This situation is so weird to me. I dropped her class when I noticed I had feelings and kept wanting to forget about it. I told myself I would never see her again after our first meeting (in which I was only trying to be friendly anyway).

And yet somehow I manifested my worst nightmare.

Literally it seems like a moment of craziness to me. But that is a lesson in self-control and also not letting fears control you (so you don't create the situation you fear).

 

[TwoNameGame]

But whatever. I guess if you wanna really get good at something, you've gotta accept that you're gonna do stupid things at first. It will be lost in memory someday.

That's good. You might want to study inner game to avoid feeling guilty since there is nothing inherently wrong with pickup and you seem fixated on being a "good guy." You also want to study what it means to have the girl chase you and escalation windows as you need to learn how to tell when a girl actually likes you and when to try to make a move. Finally, you should go around campus and meet women. The weird thing about oneitis, is that you end up meeting so many people that you realize that every woman has something special about her (some may argue the opposite), so there is always something to look forward to.

I still have oneitis for a girl who still seems unique, but I don't deny that every woman I hit on had something special. Now, I wonder what the next girl brings. Still, some argue no girl is unique, so you should practice until you get a "do-over" when you have the experience to seduce a similar woman. Either way, this journey is worth it.

 

[ElChe]

That's good. You might want to study inner game to avoid feeling guilty since there is nothing inherently wrong with pickup and you seem fixated on being a "good guy." You also want to study what it means to have the girl chase you and escalation windows as you need to learn how to tell when a girl actually likes you and when to try to make a move. Finally, you should go around campus and meet women. The weird thing about oneitis, is that you end up meeting so many people that you realize that every woman has something special about her (some may argue the opposite), so there is always something to look forward to.

Thank you sir. I plan to do just that.

Do you have any recommendations for learning inner game and letting go of guilt and raising your self esteem?

Also, noted on having girls chase and escalation windows.

In this case, I think my intuition was right 95% of the time (the teacher probably felt attracted to me and there was mutual appreciation/respect, but she didn't want to do anything stupid-- which is why I felt so weird about dropping in on class and asking her to a chat. Also probably why I dropped the class; I had a really bad gut feeling. I'm gonna worship that instinct now)

 

[POB]

Best case:
- you could've had throwed some secret society vibes in the beggining,
- preemptively adressed all of her job/social concerns,
- when in isolation, pushed for the old "we shouldn't be doing this", all the while moving forward with the escalation (super hot for them),

My guess is she def gave a good thought about letting you seduce her, even with all the valid concerns about later repercutions.
But it was a very very risky scenario (for both) with zero margin for error.
This is why I usually avoid work/school types of seduction.
There's just too many variables outside of your control.

 

[Chase]

My guess is she def gave a good thought about letting you seduce her, even with all the valid concerns about later repercutions.
But it was a very very risky scenario (for both) with zero margin for error.
This is why I usually avoid work/school types of seduction.
There's just too many variables outside of your control.

Yeah, with social circle in particular, girls tend to be especially attuned to whether a guy seems to "get it" or not.

Guys who don't get it are an enormous liability risk. Mix in the teacher-student dynamic and the risk is higher still.

@ElChe, read some of @Hue's lay reports where he's doing social circle and get a feel for how you navigate dicey social circle situations properly.

Also, going from "0 to 100" professional to personal with no build up tends to usually end in disaster... and when it is done over email it's that 10x. Not to mention the "liked her over a year ago, haven't seen her in over a year, sudden email out of the blue essentially professing unrequited love." There's a lot of questions for the girl there: "If he liked me like that, why didn't he ask me out in person a year ago?" "Has he been alone this whole time obsessing over me?" "What triggered him to suddenly start pursuing me after not seeing me for a year?" None of the potential answers to those questions will make you look cool or sexy, unfortunately.

As always, the solution to getting hung up on one special girl is to go meet more girls:

Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls

You know that feeling. There's this girl you've been chasing forever. You positively, absolutely, can't stop thinking about her. She's the most amazing woman in the world -- you're certain of it. There's never been another one like her. Her laughter sounds like the delicate tinkling of the...

www.girlschase.com

Or GFTOW, as we put it in the mASF days ("Go Fuck Ten Other Women"). GFTOW is the magic cure for oneitis..

You know, if it's any consolation, I did a similar thing in college, though probably way worse... I drunk emailed a girl from high school one night after not having seen her for 2 or 3 years, confessing feelings for her and that I just wanted to know if she still liked me too (she had chased me originally) or if she'd long moved on... I never heard back, instantly regretted it the next day... sent an apology email (lol)... didn't hear back to that either.

Years later I looked her up online & found her marriage photos... she married a dude who was like my identical twin except 5 years older with a beer belly... then I noticed looking at her photos that she looked exactly like this chick I went on to date for a while... I hadn't even realized I picked a girlfriend who looked like that chick I sent that confessional email to until years after I was broken up with that girlfriend... life is crazy...

...

Gotta say though, I definitely got a chuckle at this phraseology:

various authoritative departments.

"various authoritative departments" lol...

Chick calls mall security, the TSA, and the franchise HQ for three local McDonald's: "I'd like to report a former dance student of mine who has repeatedly solicited dates over electronic mail..."

Chase

 

[ElChe]

My guess is she def gave a good thought about letting you seduce her, even with all the valid concerns about later repercutions.

Yeah... But I really just wanted to be friends until I sent my confession email . She's so embodied and in touch with her emotions-- that's what I'm improving on myself. I wanted to learn.

But yeah, I did see the signs. It was strange. The way she acted made me think "she either really really likes me or is making fun of me".

Out of my respect for my wonderful ex-teacher though, I won't share the details.

As always, the solution to getting hung up on one special girl is to go meet more girls:

Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls

You know that feeling. There's this girl you've been chasing forever. You positively, absolutely, can't stop thinking about her. She's the most amazing woman in the world -- you're certain of it. There's never been another one like her. Her laughter sounds like the delicate tinkling of the...

www.girlschase.com

Or GFTOW, as we put it in the mASF days ("Go Fuck Ten Other Women"). GFTOW is the magic cure for oneitis..

You know, if it's any consolation, I did a similar thing in college, though probably way worse... I drunk emailed a girl from high school one night after not having seen her for 2 or 3 years, confessing feelings for her and that I just wanted to know if she still liked me too (she had chased me originally) or if she'd long moved on... I never heard back, instantly regretted it the next day... sent an apology email (lol)... didn't hear back to that either.

Years later I looked her up online & found her marriage photos... she married a dude who was like my identical twin except 5 years older with a beer belly... then I noticed looking at her photos that she looked exactly like this chick I went on to date for a while... I hadn't even realized I picked a girlfriend who looked like that chick I sent that confessional email to until years after I was broken up with that girlfriend... life is crazy...

...

Gotta say though, I definitely got a chuckle at this phraseology:



"various authoritative departments" lol...

Chick calls mall security, the TSA, and the franchise HQ for three local McDonald's: "I'd like to report a former dance student of mine who has repeatedly solicited dates over electronic mail..."

Chase

Thanks Chase. This made me feel better.

Yeah, I've already made new commitments in regards to women. Again, I feel gratitude towards her and the situation because this will cause me to let go of bad feelings and go through, maybe, a great process of growth. We'll see.

Also yeah, her "various authoritative departments" phrasing is... interesting . But I don't know. I hope she wasn't scared.

This situation is sad to me. Two cool people with good intentions (I hope) in a funky situation with weird miscommunications.

But ah. It's all good. We'll both be grand.

 

[POB]

You know, if it's any consolation, I did a similar thing in college, though probably way worse... I drunk emailed a girl from high school one night after not having seen her for 2 or 3 years, confessing feelings for her and that I just wanted to know if she still liked me too (she had chased me originally) or if she'd long moved on... I never heard back, instantly regretted it the next day... sent an apology email (lol)... didn't hear back to that either.

I confessed my love for a chick right after our graduation.
She told she liked me a lot, but as I made no move for her over the years, she fell for one of our teachers...who was also a good friend of mine.
Never felt so impotent and hurt in my whole life.

After this I got entangled with one of the most beatutiful chicks of our course.
Did the whole AFC circuit with her, untill she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore (never blamed her, I was a mess).
We never went to bed.

This triggered me to go to a whore house, where I picked a mid bitch who asked me if I had aids after I took my shirt off
(I was depressed and had lost 30 pounds on my last college year, was feeling and looking like dog shit).
Talk about hitting rock bottom, cause I was also unemployed.
Took me 5 years of heavy therapy to get my shit together again.

Years later I looked her up online & found her marriage photos... she married a dude who was like my identical twin except 5 years older with a beer belly... then I noticed looking at her photos that she looked exactly like this chick I went on to date for a while... I hadn't even realized I picked a girlfriend who looked like that chick I sent that confessional email to until years after I was broken up with that girlfriend... life is crazy...

Yeah, the first chick of my story got married with one of the ugliest dudes I've ever seen in my life.
Think she cranked 2 kids with him then got divorced.

 

[Chase]

This triggered me to go to a whore house, where I picked a mid bitch who asked if I had aids after I took my shirt off
(I was depressed and had lost 30 pounds on my last college year, was feeling and looking like dog shit).
Talk about hitting rock bottom, cause I was also unemployed.

Damn!

Should've picked the hot one instead. She probably would've been nicer...

Sometimes I think life just throws us a bunch of shit early on so we can be of more use later on.

I doubt we'd be much good for anyone if our backstories were, "Yeah, I just had it really easy, got everything I wanted from the jump, right from square one... it's a piece of cake, man, you just have to go talk to these bitches and they jump on your dick! 'S how it always worked for me...!"

Yeah, the first chick of my history got married with one of the ugliest dudes I've ever seen in my life.
Think she cranked 2 kids with him then got divorced.

One of the nice things about being spiritual again is I can look at situations like this now and be like, "As soon as I reach the after-life, that's one of the first things I am asking about: 'Okay, so what the heck exactly happened THERE? Fill me in, please, I've been waiting decades to find out.'"

Chase

 

[POB]

Should've picked the hot one instead. She probably would've been nicer...

Lol, for sure!

Sometimes I think life just throws us a bunch of shit early on so we can be of more use later on.

I doubt we'd be much good for anyone if our backstories were, "Yeah, I just had it really easy, got everything I wanted from the jump, right from square one... it's a piece of cake, man, you just have to go talk to these bitches and they jump on your dick! 'S how it always worked for me...!"

Yep, those shitty experiences can teach us A LOT if you keep an open mind and don't fall for that dreaded "victim mentality".

I could very well be one of those bitter red pillers making millions on youtube just by sharing some of those horrendous experiences I've had with women over the years.....but that's just not me. I've always had a strong sense of self-accountability, and never blamed any of them for my shortcomings.

One of the nice things about being spiritual again is I can look at situations like this now and be like, "As soon as I reach the after-life, that's one of the first things I am asking about: 'Okay, so what the heck exactly happened THERE? Fill me in, please, I've been waiting decades to find out.'"

Lol, I have that same mindset too...just curious about other people's life choices....for some odd reason, they always seem to end up worse than they were when we lost contact.

 

[ElChe]

@POB @Chase
Thanks for sharing your stories fellas. Makes me feel less silly, and I do agree about that early embarrassment being a thing that could create later success and solidity.

I guess the failure forces you to reflect and see where you truly are, right at that moment.

With women, I've had some wacky stuff happen but never an extreme embarrassment like this one, and maybe I have a couple more left in store . But I was thinking the other day that there's never been a skill I got good/prolific at, that I didn't do something embarrassing at first.

I've been reflecting on those experiences, and the mindsets and determination I had to get past them...

I have faith that releasing all the heavy feelings I've been confronted with in this situation is gonna lead to some big changes

 

[ElChe]

Hey everyone,

Thought I'd give an update here because I've processed a ton of what happened and had tons of realizations.

Maybe this emotional journey could be useful to someone else.

...

First thing-- I don't believe I ever had real feelings for my teacher.

How I understand things now is that I began to have this emotional attachment to her because she was one of the few female teachers in my life who treated me with respect and cared about me.

I've had some really terrible experiences with teachers in the past, traumatizing shit. I faced and let go of some of those traumas last semester, while I was still in my dance class, and it allowed me to open my heart up to my teacher-- as a student-- and feel safe that she wouldn't hate me or get me in trouble or gang up on me with other teachers.

I was doing so fucking good in school at that time, after that emotional breakthrough. But I never fantasized about my teacher in a romantic way. I just would imagine her looking over my shoulder and supporting me . It helped bring out my potential and lost motivation for school (at the time I swept through the hardest coding project in the #5 ranked computer science school in the world).

But then I trauma triggered while in her class (and started feeling like she hated and was mad at me) and I had no idea what I was feeling-- I THOUGHT it was romantic feelings-- and I dropped the class.

It left me semi-depressed and with this big feeling of loss.

It's so sad.

The whole time I thought I was experiencing romantic heartbreak. No... I was feeling the pain of losing one of the only female teachers in my life who treated me with respect and who I, for a few weeks, was able to trust (on an emotional level) that they had good intentions towards me.

And there were some darker realizations too.

My self esteem as a student was so low, and my sense of trust towards teachers was so fucked, that I had this feeling like my dance teacher would only care about me if she was attracted to me.

I think this is part of what caused me to drop the class. I had responded awkwardly to my teacher in class and was like "oh no, now she knows I like her and she won't feel attracted to me and she'll hate me now".

It's so sad. I kept getting these spikes of lust and getting SUPER horny for her over the summer and I was like "why can't I let this go?? She doesn't want this and neither do I"

But yesterday I was having a mini panic attack in class and the lust started coming back...
But I told myself "my teacher can care about me and respect me even if I don't do anything sexual with her".
And for the first time, I let go of that lust, and realized I never wanted anything sexual with her. I finally felt at peace.

Felt very broken, realizing and processing these feelings yesterday

But it's okay now, cause I finally see a path to acceptance and peace .



I'm glad that I've had the blessing of meeting this teacher and been giving the opportunity to let go of these traumas. I think it might fundamentally change my life.

My one regret though is that I sent that confession email.

It was completely out of pocket and uncalibrated and... probably ruined the relationship with her for good.

I wish I would've had these realizations WITHOUT confessing the supposed feelings. This dance teacher will definitely go down as my favorite school teacher ever, and I'm just so sad and upset that I did what I did.

I WANT to be able to learn her life story and how she's developed her character and how she has cultivated happiness and peace in her life. And I WANT to have her teach and guide me in embodiment, which would be a HUGE boost to my progress in that. I want to take her class again next semester

But I'm 99% sure this dynamic is broken for good.

It sucks that sometimes we could be so averse to a feeling or trauma that we don't even realize we have it.

My one wish now is to be able to apologize to her in person and thank her for being a good person to me. Who knows if that will ever happen.