"Are you only dating me because I'm Asian?"

[Skippy]

I get some variant of this question because I know a lot of Chinese, I've been to China on multiple occasions and I know a lot about the culture/pop culture, love kpop etc...

Usually it'll be phrased a bit more subtly like "do you have a thing for Asians?" but sometimes it'll also be phrased like "did you only swipe right on me because I'm Chinese?". This question always comes up when I'm dating an Asian girl.

I view this as a bit of a double bind though because it's kind of hard to believe I have absolutely no preference for Asians if I'm so well connected to asian culture. and if I were to say yes... well that just opened up a whole new can of worms on yellow fever, autorejection etc...

I've considered responding to that by just saying "I'm really picky and if I didn't think you were XYZ, I wouldn't be dating you" not sure... I feel like it still isn't satisfying though because it ignores the question and it still seems hard to believe that I'm "super picky" if I'm moving so quickly on the dates. What are your thoughts on this? do you guys have suggestions for other things to say?

 

[andersen09]

I get some variant of this question because I know a lot of Chinese, I've been to China on multiple occasions and I know a lot about the culture/pop culture, love kpop etc...

Usually it'll be phrased a bit more subtly like "do you have a thing for Asians?" but sometimes it'll also be phrased like "did you only swipe right on me because I'm Chinese?". This question always comes up when I'm dating an Asian girl.

I view this as a bit of a double bind though because it's kind of hard to believe I have absolutely no preference for Asians if I'm so well connected to asian culture. and if I were to say yes... well that just opened up a whole new can of worms on yellow fever, autorejection etc...

I've considered responding to that by just saying "I'm really picky and if I didn't think you were XYZ, I wouldn't be dating you" not sure... I feel like it still isn't satisfying though because it ignores the question and it still seems hard to believe that I'm "super picky" if I'm moving so quickly on the dates. What are your thoughts on this? do you guys have suggestions for other things to say?

Do you have a thing for Asians?


1. I'm bout to find out depending on your personality.
2. I have a thing for all women.

 

[Skippy]

Thanks, I do indeed have a thing for asians.

2. I have a thing for all women.

I was considering mentioning that I don't exclusively date asians or something. but so far, there's only 1 girl that I've been on multiple dates with that wasn't asian lol

 

[andersen09]

Instead of looking at her words, you have to look at the sub-communication of what's being communicated. In other words, why is she saying what she's saying. So really try to see what's going on when she says it. And examine why you feel the need to explain you don't "exclusively date asians" per say.

"Do you have a thing for Asians?"
"Did you only swipe right on me because I'm Chinese?"

Is she really wondering if you're only into Asian women?
Or is she trying to see how you would react in a certain situation?

And with that in mind, what would you be telling her if you did say "Yes, I do love asian women"

Here's some examples of similar situations and answering with questions with male logic.

"Are you a player?" "Yes I am" or "No, I'm not"
"Are you just trying to sleep with me cause I'm Asian?" "Yes I am" "No I'm not"

See if you can decipher the sub communication.
I hope this helped

 

[Skippy]

Instead of looking at her words, you have to look at the sub-communication of what's being communicated. In other words, why is she saying what she's saying. So really try to see what's going on when she says it. And examine why you feel the need to explain you don't "exclusively date asians" per say.

"Do you have a thing for Asians?"
"Did you only swipe right on me because I'm Chinese?"

Is she really wondering if you're only into Asian women?
Or is she trying to see how you would react in a certain situation?

Yeah, I agree. I think trying to find the underlying meaning is a solid way of approaching the problem. I've thought about it a bit and I've read a bunch of feminist articles that talk about the "horrors of dating a guy with yellow fever". These articles are almost always rubbish, and I'm just reading them thinking..."you dont know me at all"... of course the actual reasons these articles give for why "having a preference towards Asian women" makes me a horrible menace to society are bs in my (unbiased)opinion. but after reading them I think the underlying reasons for why asian girls get all bothered when they hear a guy has an "asian preference" has to do with autorejection.

Looking at it from her perspective, she's dating some guy that she really likes and then when she finds out he has an "asian preference", to her that means he'd just as easily jump into bed with any asian girl, even one who is fatter than her, less interesting than her, or overall less attractive than her. The main emotion she feels when she finds out he has an "asian preference" is disappointment. It's like getting your first acceptance somewhere and then finding out "oh they accept everyone". She feels disappointed because she wanted to know she was special, but now she feels that all her accomplishments at making herself a more attractive girl became obsolete if any random asian girl could generate the same kind of attraction. and she's also disappointed in the guy. "oh that's all it takes to sleep with him?"

The thing is...she is both right and wrong. but I don't want to get into my feelings on this matter. It's late at night and I don't have the energy to organize all those thoughts I just think that attainability and autorejection are the main aspects to consider when she asks those types of questions.

Is she really wondering if you're only into Asian women?
Or is she trying to see how you would react in a certain situation?

That's an important question you bring up and I think this discussion has led me to realize that when she asks that, she's really asking "Am I actually special to you?" (oh yea these questions usually only come up after we've had sex or made out and we're just cuddling and having "honest post-sex talk"). I think a good absurd response would probably do the trick here, but something that points out specific traits about her or a cold read to tie in why I like her should also work? I've realized it's got to be specific. And I think it's okay to just ignore the actual question and say what specific traits you like about her.