Attention Seeking

[jonnywishbone]

I've been sleeping with a girl from work for past 3 or so weeks. She just started at the company, and we hooked up after drinks one night and I took her back to mine for sex. I told her I was sleeping with/dating other girls and not looking for anything serious right now.

The second time we had sex she stayed over, we spent the next day together and we went to a club at night. She's quite an outgoing person, we drank a lot, and in the club she was flirting and dancing with other guys. I took her to one side and told her that when we are out together she's with me - it might be casual but I'm not down with that sort of behaviour. She said she understood and rest of the night was fine after that. In the morning she said she felt really guilty with how she was behaving.

Later in the week, she texted me saying that she was ok with having a casual relationship at the moment - she said she just wanted a lot of sex, but wanted to do that with me and not sleep around. As long as I didn't talk about what I was doing with other girls, she was ok with it.

This friday, we went out again. We'd arranged by text that she would come back to mine later that night, but I had to go out to a club to visit friends so I invited her and other people from work to come with me. Same thing again - although we were kissing in the club early on, I felt she was still overtly flirting with other guys (including my mates).

She came back to mine and in the morning she was checking her phone and saw an email from one of the guys from work basically insinuating that he thought she was up for hooking up with him and left his phone number (I'm saying this as an example of how she was acting). The thing is she was genuinely surprised at this because she isn't into him at all. She also said she couldn't understand why because she'd made a real effort after our conversation last time to not be like that.

So, I just want to try and understand this...

- I know she doesn't sleep around a lot (she hadn't had sex for 6 months before me), so is she just a massive attention seeker and basically falls into the "not girlfriend material" category, but is a good FWB?
- Is she looking for the attention because I have said I won't commit to her?
- If we've been kissing and talking about sex later, how should I handle her bahaviour if she starts acting out like this?
- Is it my fault because I am giving her mixed messages?

 

[Tyme2k]

You're not going to like what I have to say, but you need to drop your ego. I'm going to link you a video by Owen from RSD. Not sure if you know who he is, but you aren't the only guy with this issue and he made a video about it.

Jealousy wont get you anywhere, relax and do your thing. You know what I do when a girl is talking to other guys? I will talk to other girls right there also. It makes them crave your attention and they know you are preselected.

Here's the blog post/video

 

[jonnywishbone]

Haha dude, great post. But you are wrong... that is exactly what I wanted to hear. Anything that makes me see the world how it really is, rather than how my f*cked up conditioning has lead me to believe it is... well, I am all over that shit. Almost didn't write the original post because I thought it was too long, but so glad I did now. Cheers

 

[Estate]

I didn't go through the whole RSD video as I'm not a big fan of them, but I won't go into that in this thread.

I just wanted to chime in on your behaviour. I think you need to tone it back. If you are getting so upset that she is paying attention to other guys then I'm not sure why you are trying to set a casual vibe with her. If you want her to yourself, then have her to yourself but you are asking for "just sex" yet treating her in public settings like she is with you.

Which do you really want?

I was in a similar situation a few years back. I'm assuming if it's a work thing they you guys are not open with the rest of the office as to what's going on? In that case I found it MUCH better to leave her go do her thing.
You KNOW she is free to meet other guys when you are not there, and given the dynamic here I assume you are genuinely ok with that?
Acting needy or upset is BS in this situation. If she is clung to you all night then you are treating her a GF, same if you are getting upset about this. I don't think she is acting out and I don't think you should be calling her on her behavior.
You should be free to talk to other girls too, what if you did the same? She'll be watching but it sounds like you're just standing there while she talks to other guys.

At the end of the day, I found the girl I was with was much more open to it because we both went about our own nights went out then came together at the end of the night and came home together... some of the danger element actually made it more exciting.

Having said all that... I think you want this girl but are trying to convince yourself otherwise. You shouldn't be calling her out right now, the problem is with you. You either need to drop the attitude that she is doing something wrong or you need to fess up to yourself that you actually want more with this girl and accept the consequences of leading her that way.

As much as you'd like to believe she is or has not slept with anyone else... it might be the case, it might not... but I think you should be of the mindset that she is at least out there meeting other guys as it sounds like you are unprepared for when she tells you she wants to stop things as she has met some other guy.

 

[jonnywishbone]

Thanks, I think this is really something I need to get straight in my head as it's not the first time I've felt this way and never really known how I should handle it.

The jealously is clearly insecurity on my part - I feel that she could get with other guys much easier than I could get with other girls, so it definitely brings that up and that is something I need to work on (and is also why i want to stay single!).

I think the problem is that I'm kind of comparing it to other situations - for example I'm casually seeing another girl about once per week. We don't really text that much but we just meet in a bar for a few drinks and/or some food, then head back to mine and she'll spend the night. Now, if when I met up with her she spent half the night flirting with other guys, I probably wouldn't bother seeing her again.

I suppose I feel that yes I could just go off and flirt with other girls but to me it seems kind of out of order - much in the same way she doesn't want me to talk to her about other girls I'm seeing, but I'm totally fine with her dating and doing whatever she wants when we're not with each other.

In terms of wanting her as my GF - well it's more my position that's the issue, in that I want to date around and I'm not in the headspace for a relationship. So yes, I do quite like her but I know it's not right for me atm.

However, all that said, I know I can't change her. It's about how I behave and deal with the situation and it is good experience to work out how I should handle myself