Attention whore or not??

[azazel.bizo]

See I've been talking to this one girl, she has shown signs of interest even way before we started talking. I took her number and we been talking and texting and stuff. Now I've escalated a bit with her physically with some touching and holding, she is chubby so she even offered me a seat on her lap. Anyway, she seems pretty interested although she can get flaky occationally.

Now, recently when she came over, I tried going for the kiss repeatedly to no success, though she keeps smiling as I go in for it, and she keeps on initiating text conversations with me as well despite her resistance.

Despite my efforts to express my interest non-verbally while physically escalating, I ended up telling her straight up that I like her and there were plenty signs she likes me too despite her acting aloof sometimes. She told me that she can't give me a relationship, serious or casual, and that she would rather be just friends. Now I'm confused cause a part of me believes that SHE IS interested (signs of interest shes shown and how we communicate non-verbally) and wants me to persist with her some more. The other part feels like I should just move on and continue chatting up other girls. So any help on this one??

 

[ray_zorse]

Umm, well as a general rule of thumb when you've persisted about 2 or 3 times and got excuses or hard no's, or if she just doesn't seem keen, then it's time to NEXT her.

As to the conversation you had, we call it a LJBF (let's just be friends) speech. In the case you describe, it's basically a shit test, so how you handle it is critically important.

There are cases where it's not a shit test, for instance if you showed no sexual intent, such as hanging out with her as a study buddy and then unexpectedly trying to escalate when she just never saw you as a sexual option, but from what you say, that isn't the situation here.

Accepting the frame is bad (you act disappointed and try to explain your feelings, or you act like you had no right to expect intimacy and proceed to friendzone yourself). Fighting the frame is also bad because it accepts it (you qualify yourself or otherwise try to change her mind).

The right way to deal with something like this is to laugh it off for the ridiculousness that it is (why would a highly desirable, sexual man willingly enter an abusive friendzone relationship, with a girl who is clearly beneath him even? haha, see ya never!!)... somewhere on the boards is a clip of Bradd Pitt, he laughs and looks upward and to the side before returning to normal eye contact... the impression should be something like "haha, what do u take me for?".

You then just proceed as if nothing happened (moving her, escalating, asking for date or whatnot) although as with any time she offers an excuse or refuses compliance or whatever, it's a "backoff, rinse, repeat" situation -- it's good to switch to a neutral topic or return to some earlier conversational thread and try to rebuild the good feelings a little before trying again. You can also, if you think there might be some issue like a cultural issue that's preventing compliance, try to address it logically, but not immediately or you'll look reactive (see "fighting the frame" above).

Just out of interest how did you handle the LJBF?

Ray

 

[azazel.bizo]

Well I did laugh it off and persisted a little still, but the conversation became more logical as it ended off with us reaching a consensus on actions speaking louder than words... and we parted ways on a positive note where we hugged and smiled goodbye to eachother. So these scenerios towards the end of our interaction also give me the feeling of things not being over completely between me and her, but I could be wrong. Your feedback would be welcomed sir.

 

[ray_zorse]

I think you fucked up by telling her you like her.

You may think that after going for the kiss there's no harm in this, since it is obvious, but that's not the case IMO. By going for the kiss your value increases and your attainability stays about the same, because you haven't verbalized so she doesn't know if you're just playing around, being opportunistic, whether it will lead to sex, a quick fuck, LTR etc.

By telling her you like her, you mostly disqualify yourself as lover and put yourself into LTR slot, which means she slows you right down and initiates all this discussion etc, instead of action in the sack. That's never a good thing. Your attainability goes right up, value goes right down.

I'm assuming that telling you she can't give you relationship, is a test, since it's in conflict with her actions. She could be probing your provider value by putting obstacles in your path to see how you deal with them and thus how committed you are. Anyway, I would assume attraction in this case.

Note this sounds calculating on her part, but girls aren't self-aware, they just do what their emotions dictate. Said emotions bubble up from a subconscious level where tests, etc, are formulated without her knowing it. This how female attraction works, I get this partly from reading articles but I have confirmed these points many times from my own observation.

BF territory won't kill you (Chase's immortal words), you can try date compression, but I personally would NEXT her.

Ray

 

[ajx032]

I think you fucked up by telling her you like her.



By telling her you like her, you mostly disqualify yourself as lover and put yourself into LTR slot, which means she slows you right down and initiates all this discussion etc, instead of action in the sack. That's never a good thing. Your attainability goes right up, value goes right down.

I'm assuming that telling you she can't give you relationship, is a test, since it's in conflict with her actions. She could be probing your provider value by putting obstacles in your path to see how you deal with them and thus how committed you are.
Ray

How do you stop acting like a provider when she is probing you and you start cracking? Women do this without noticing but how you deal with it makes a different. So ur saying listen to what she says but dont react. Be u and dont lose ur backbone. Go for what u want and if she is not budging, keep it cool and move on?

 

[ray_zorse]

Well, when she probes you, don't crack. And when you try to move things forward and she deflects in a charming manner, wash-rinse-repeat. After hard no's, NEXT.
Ray