Auto rejection, can this be reversed?

[ieatapples]

TLDR - I've been seeing a girl on the side and we really clicked (which is rare for me) and, wrongly or rightly, I told her my current living situtation (2 kids, in relationship). We continued to see each other, but I only let her know last week that I had 2 kids (she only knew of one kid). I was coy with the information I provided as I'm quite guarded about the subject with girls, mostly because I normally only ever go for a FWB or ONS type scenerio and just live a double life. It was my feelings for her that caused me to stray from that path.

Anyway, she went cold for a couple of days and I checked up with her:

07:52 - Me:

Are you alive

12:10 - Her:

Hey, yeah I am alive, just been taking some time to think for the past couple of days about us and our situation. And if I’m honest I’m gonna call it off. The guilt is eating away at me and this isn’t how I intended on ever meeting someone under these circumstances and I have never wanted to be a home-wrecker. It was fun whilst it lasted and I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve spent with you, but I’m gonna move on and find someone who doesn’t have any ties to anyone/anything. I’ve also put a lot of thought into a career since being quarantined and that is something I’m going to focus on also, so I don’t need the distraction. Please don’t try and change my mind as I’m pretty set, and this is hard enough as it is without you trying to justify it to me.. but I won’t say anything to anyone so please don’t worry about that. I’m sorry (my name). X

14:58 - Me:

I wish you'd said something! I was worried the covid got you or a car accident.

Anyway, I understand how you're feeling. This whole thing has had my head spinning and I think we jumped the gun.
I really, really, wish I could go back and never tell you the stuff I did, but I didn't want to lie to you, something was different... I can so envision us hanging out, living together, exploring the country, you teaching me random facts about the outdoors, & most importantly, how to snowboard - all mixed with cuddling, holding hands, kissing, massages...

Are you 100% certain (her name) that, that is what you want? There will be no going back & we'll never know what could be... I mean, we could see it through, all be it slowly and selfishly on my part

Don't feel guilty for my choices. You were right about what my alternative would have been x

16:28 - Her:

I understand all of this, but I’m sure. It’s the best thing for both of us. X

17:21 - Me:

I'm sorry too (her name) x

Today:
Me:

I realise this has been eating away at you. I get it. Especially, if it makes you feel like you're the one who forces a breakup or anything like that!
You're not a home wrecker and nor will you be. That is not how I wanted it to come across. truth is, I have been giving a lot of thought for some time as to how and when to break things off with my relationship. It's not a question of will it happen, it's just when. And this would happen regardless of your involvment.
You're a fun girl and I like hanging out with you! Friends?

Her:

Yea, friends sounds good

Is this recoverable, and if so where to go from here?

 

[ieatapples]

Any help with this?

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@ieatapples dude this is possibly not recoverable for you right now unfortunately. The current situation doesn't make it favourable and you'll have to either change her Overton window on the situation that she's not a home wrecker which is a difficult shift or exploit the lover trait but you've possibly gave away to much at the moment.

The lover traits are great with proximity and setting of her desire but you'll struggle to do this with just electronic communication.

I forget who it was (think it was teevster, velasco or skills) but managed to retain a fwb who called it off with them due to a health risk but they done it in person using lover traits and switching on her desire.

Your best bet due to lockdown is waiting a week or so and casually dropping a message of I seen something that reminded me of you.... stuff...i hope you're safe...and seeing how she responds.

Good luck dude

 

[ieatapples]

Thanks @Fluxcapacitor! I think it might be a dead end. My impatience led me to text her the "reminded me of you" thing a bit early because I found one of her millions of hairs in my car (we had an inside joke on her malting like a dog). Got a good response from it, but throughout our small conversation her vibe was cold / aloof.

So hit her up the next day in the evening with a fun picture of something I saw whilst at the super market and she insta replied. She didn't give me much to work with, mind you, but I managed to get her asking a question (a big development given how cold she was). She mentioned she was bored from the lockdown and so I proposed jokingly to play a zoom drinking game later that night. She again responded telling me she'd been drinking the night before so wouldn't tonight. Given she didn't say no, but also didn't say yes, I decided to dive in ahead anyway to see what would happen. I followed up with "Okay! Then I'll do the drinking... savvy". An hour or so went by and it was getting to decision time for what I wanted to do for the night so thought I'd send the old "??" as a double check. Again, no response for 20 mins or so and I gave up on it. Just sent a gif of some tumble weed and went off to play games with friends online.

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@ieatapples dude! Big mistakes to follow up with a ?? And then a gif a while after that. It's emotional and needy and puts you in a really bad place that's even harder to recover from. The gif could be seen as funny but you need to give her space and time here but I'd recommend nexting her.

To be fair to her I'll do the drinking savvy doesn't warrant a reply. I'd have left it at that because you're nonchalant about it and look unaffected by her not responding rather than seeking attention/ validation/ approval or typically chasing behaviour.

 

[ieatapples]

@Fluxcapacitor yea, I didn't handle that well and the last two messages were me throwing in the towel. I was humming and hawing about it and I regret sending them on hindsight, but it was getting mentally tireing. I genuinely liked the girl, which is really rare for me, and feel a bit let down from the fact that she could flip a switch like that (as context, whilst we were in person together I did get confirmation of her feelings and let her know mine too). I get that shes faced with a guy with baggage, but if the roles were reversed I'd have tried to see it through to some kind of conclusion.

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@ieatapples dude good for throwing in the towel I reckon there's too much negative compliance and you'll learn from this. I think you need to change your mindset slightly and you'll do this with meeting more girls. The comment that you if the roles were reversed you'd try to see it through shows that you're backward rationalizing that she wants the same thing and shows the high value you've placed on her.

Flipping like a switch when you've just revealed something so big is to be expected. If I really liked a girl and considered an LTR and she had a kid this would currently change my mind. When she freaked you need to lead her emotions but also be able to give her space. If she wants to leave let her and show you're unaffected.

This communicates you'd have liked her in your life but you don't need her. It also shows you're confident where most guys would freak.

Everyone fucks up at times dude so don't worry about it. On to the next one or five

 

[ieatapples]

I had managed to lead her emotions as you say, but only in person. My biggest strengths are in creating a "reality distortion field," as some would put it.

My internal reaction to her message about "being a homewrecker" was, but didn't we already have this conversation and conclude to see it out!

The reality is though, time passed since that conversation (a week) and the vibe and feel I gave was gone. Replaced by conversations with friends/sisters touting judgemental comments and one-sided warnings. At that point my ability to lead (or anybody's) is taken away. And in case anyone is wondering, she also showed me the text from her friend whilst together in person with the words "homewrecker". That's is what brought me to have address the, what I would call, social stigma and try to remove it from her reality. If I'd had the option to see her the next day or so, I could have made the phrase a distant memory and reinforced the ideals of living life without judgment from others.

Sometimes the hardest part about game, is knowing what could have been done, but wasn't possible at the time. I often look at the average guy and wish I could be so analytically clueless so that I could just shrug my shoulders and blame the other person.

 

[Hiya]

I agree with Flux here, you need to show your unaffected...

With lockdown also, it's all most impossible to get to her...

If she's up for being friends, that gives you an angle, your not friends and she knows it.

The problem is, what do you also want from this interaction, she doesn't want to be the person who ruins your relationship. It may be better to next her, as you've set up house already and your becoming overly invested in her.

If you can handle the emotions without crossing the line again into relationship territory.

I would, ask her out after lockdown as a friend, pour abit of alcohol.

She has feelings for you, aim to make her jelous, use social media.

Explain all is good and you, dont want a relationship with her, aim to raise sexual tension. However also remind her that your not friends, that you can't help but feel attracted to her.

Go for it and see if she will go along, it's worked for me. Full on rejected by a girl, who knew I was in a relationship and later accepted it and allowed a FWB situation, as she had feelings, that was the angle and you've got it.

However, she may just walk away and if so accept it..

 

[ieatapples]

@Hiya thanks for the advice.

What I want from the situation and what we'd agreed on, on the 28th of March whilst lockdown was in effect (I've never really been one to follow rules), was to see how things went, which was good FWBs. I would love to continue that relationship with her, although lockdown has gotten more strict and paranoia about getting fined for most people is increasing, especially with the improving weather here in the UK.

I can see she has already started up her tinder/bumble dating profiles again (yea, I know I shouldn't check but knowledge is power here). I've just been debating whether I should do the same to possibly create some kind of jealousy should she encounter my profile, but there is also the chance that the less she knows about my current status the better. Social media is, unfortunately, not an option, as we're not friends on FB or Insta - and nor do I even use it. I'm quite a private person in that regard.

Mind if I ask how and why you got rejected from the girl who knew you were in a relationship? Also did you reach out to her to rekindle things, or was it vice versa?

 

[ieatapples]

Update: So the girl in this thread has gotten back in touch.

I received a message last Friday from her asking how I was and how quarantine was going but didn't see it as I had disabled my "secondary" WhatsApp. Anyway, I swiped right on her when her profile popped up on Tinder and we matched. She messaged to say that she'd WhatsApp'd me the day before. So back to WhatsApp and we had a spaced chat, of about 5-6 messages, throughout Saturday as I was busy exercising in the hills. Towards the end of the night, I threw in a sexual innuendo to which she positively replied. I followed up with the question of "been on any adventures since we last met" and she replied, "None at all haha just been studying! What about you?" I left her unread for the night as it was late and I know that always gets a girl riled up. The next morning, I replied with, "nothing out of the ordinary for me", "I'm too old for adventures" (she's 6 years younger than me). We then chatted for a little bit more throughout the Sunday, but I refrained from asking her much in the way of her studying or answering her questions.

I guess I would like some opinions on my response of "nothing out of the ordinary for me" and also some guidance on what to do next here.

I really like this girl but she dropped me like hot lead! I'm wondering if I should hit her up and ask her how her week is going or just take a laid back approach and let her do some more initiating? I have no idea anymore if I am on a girls mind of not. It's been a month since we last spoke and I'm assuming I only cropped up on her mind because she came across my tinder with its handsomely charming bio and pictures #blowmyowntrumpit.

 

[ieatapples]

@BigPapa would be interested in your thoughts on this one, you did mention here you had a similar revelation with time fixing bad precedent.

 

[BigPapa]

I really like this girl but she dropped me like hot lead!

Remember that the mating objective for women is a relationship , while for a men is just sex

You can not blame her for dropping you since you have a wife and 2 kids . She did not drop you because she does not like you anymore , but more because she knows that she will never have a relationship with you .

If you look on why fwb relationships last long is because the guys dangle the relationship carrot all the time , or they just let the girls think that they are in a relationship even though they are not .

She was ok at the beginning with a fwb type of relationship , but then she started most likely catching feelings for you and when she found out that you have another child it just made her realize that she does not have any chance in having a relationship with you

I'm wondering if I should hit her up and ask her how her week is going or just take a laid back approach and let her do some more initiating? I have no idea anymore if I am on a girls mind of not. It's been a month since we last spoke and I'm assuming I only cropped up on her mind because she came across my tinder with its handsomely charming bio and pictures #blowmyowntrumpit.

The problem is that you try a relationship with someone even though you already have a serious commitment

If you want things to move forward , either reframe the relationship with this girl as a fwb ( no talking about feelings , liking , camping , travelling , whatever - only sex and a little bit of bonding ) and accept that sooner or later she will find a guy with whom she will want a relationship , either you get a divorce from your current wife & have a relationship with this girl .

Whatever works for you best

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@ieatapples dude you're also forgetting we're in a pandemic and people aren't meeting new people or many people in general. If she's bored through not meeting people talking to you is a way to not be bored.

If you're lover vibe was good enough and you were good in bed and she's not worried about meeting you in this situation it's an easy set up that's good for her. Girls submit when it's convenient for them.

Girls also get back in touch to see where they stand with you, and to test if you've changed. She freaked and dropped you an understandably so dude. I'd let her do some more instigating, just cause a pretty girl messages you doesn't mean you should chase she may just be giving enough to get some validation while she can't meet anyone. If you're currently unable to meet cause of the pandemic you will get fuck all for your efforts if you can't even meet her.

There's a few texting styles you can go about keeping in touch and building rapport but no one knows the best way to really approach this. If the conversation has dropped give her a chance to pick it up before messaging her. Just my thoughts dude

 

[BigPapa]

Also , I think that is very important for ieatapples to realize what he wants actually , either to have a fwb (but he has to act like he is in a fwb) and keep his wife , or end up things with his wife and pursue whatever he wants to pursue .

For sure if he wants to have multiple relationships going on in the same time , a scorned wife will unleash hell for him

 

[ieatapples]

If you're lover vibe was good enough and you were good in bed and she's not worried about meeting you in this situation it's an easy set up that's good for her. Girls submit when it's convenient for them.

No trouble there, we were meeting during lockdown. Regardless, you're right @Fluxcapacitor she may just be trying to get some validation at this stage.

I think that is very important for ieatapples to realize what he wants actually

For now, definitely a fwb and preferably one I can actually tolerate being around for a few hours at a time. You and Flux are right in assessing my giving off of boyfriend vibes, that was a big problem. I lost sight of what I was trying to achieve. My head went into the clouds and so did my objectivity. I will make sure that does not happen again, regardless of the woman in question.

I've got a couple of plates spinning at the moment and trying to see if I can get a meet with one of my contacts this weekend. I'll ping her a funny pic msg of something I saw today with callback humour and see if I get a warm or cold response and gauge from there.

 

[BigPapa]

Then like I was saying in the thread quoted by you , the more you text , the more the girl will try to frame you and reframe you into a boyfriend candidate .

Most important thing that you need to do now is to try to get her out to see you . You can also do a bald move like passing late in the evening close to where she lives and give her a call and tell her something like " i just realized that i am passing by your house and that I have not seen you for a while . come out for 5 minutes so I can see you as I have not seen you for a while npw" . or some stupid thing along the lines

 

[ieatapples]

Most important thing that you need to do now is to try to get her out to see you . You can also do a bald move like passing late in the evening close to where she lives and give her a call and tell her something like " i just realized that i am passing by your house and that I have not seen you for a while . come out for 5 minutes so I can see you as I have not seen you for a while npw" . or some stupid thing along the lines

That's an excellent little tactic! Trouble is I've no real valid reason to be driving past or near where she lives. For some context, I'm in Scotland and she lives about 35 miles away from me, and the nearest hikes are a good few miles away from where she lives (that would be my angle btw, do a hike then try and meet her).

Anyways as an update, I got a response from her and asked, "what are you up to on Friday evening, fancy meeting up!?" To which she replied "I'll let you know, em might be having a bbq that's all x". No alternative dates supplied, but not a no either.

 

[BigPapa]

That's an excellent little tactic! Trouble is I've no real valid reason to be driving past or near where she lives. For some context, I'm in Scotland and she lives about 35 miles away from me, and the nearest hikes are a good few miles away from where she lives (that would be my angle btw, do a hike then try and meet her).

You are overthinking

You think that when guys are telling to girls that they just met a couple of hours back "come to my place to show you my painting" or whatever , the girls actually believe that they are going there just to see a painting ? haha

Whatever you say just needs to sound plausible and deniable in the same time .

Anyways as an update, I got a response from her and asked, "what are you up to on Friday evening, fancy meeting up!?" To which she replied "I'll let you know, em might be having a bbq that's all x". No alternative dates supplied, but not a no either.

Well first of all most likely she thinks that you see her only as a piece of meat . Not even hookers like to be called hookers

Second of all , you were too direct and uncalibrated .

Always keep this rhythm in mind . If you violate it with your words or actions , it just means that you are doing something that is not seductive

 

[ieatapples]

Second of all , you were too direct and uncalibrated .

Possibly. I'm very direct however and it was how I met the girl in the first place. I tend to overreach and be direct, rather than be cautious or try to win a girl over via text. I find it works as a low effort means of testing the waters. A bit of text conversation at the beginning of the week then midway through the week attempt to arrange a meet for, say, Friday. Should that fail, I'll open a conversation on Sunday or Monday and ask how the weekend went etc, building some deeper, meaningful rapport. It lets the girl in question know that I'm interested and gauge her interest level. At the same time if she refutes my offer, it allows for that time factor without chasing to build the perception of getting to know each other (this is a strange thing I've found when texting girls to arrange dates).

I fully expect her to bail on Friday. I'm pretty certain she still would have regardless of how much I text her or make her laugh prior to asking. This just allows me to figure out if she was seeking validation and if she's actually interested.