Avoidant Personality?

[Troy]

So I enjoy social circles usually . However when I'm in a social circle that I can't really get out of so easy if needs be I'm always on the alert. Situations like school and work that is, I can't walk off my job and I can't move from school to school.

I think the main problem is that I'm still feeling like a victim to what bad may happen and that is messing up my present and future relationships. Like I see a guy at reminds me very much of a different guy in high school that would bully me and I instantly put up a defense towards the new guy.

There is even a cute girl at work that is always smiling and hugging me up in the hallway. This sounds silly, but she also reminds me of a girl from high school too who was just as nice to me until attraction expired and she became bitter towards me.

And when I'm talking to the cute girl at work, it's like I want to relax but I have my subtle defenses up.

I COULD GET HURT AT ANY MOMENT

So my question is how do I stop pre judging people and anticipating failure because of past bad experiences?

Troy

 

[pks391]

So I enjoy social circles usually . However when I'm in a social circle that I can't really get out of so easy if needs be I'm always on the alert. Situations like school and work that is, I can't walk off my job and I can't move from school to school.

I think the main problem is that I'm still feeling like a victim to what bad may happen and that is messing up my present and future relationships. Like I see a guy at reminds me very much of a different guy in high school that would bully me and I instantly put up a defense towards the new guy.

There is even a cute girl at work that is always smiling and hugging me up in the hallway. This sounds silly, but she also reminds me of a girl from high school too who was just as nice to me until attraction expired and she became bitter towards me.

And when I'm talking to the cute girl at work, it's like I want to relax but I have my subtle defenses up.

I COULD GET HURT AT ANY MOMENT

So my question is how do I stop pre judging people and anticipating failure because of past bad experiences?

Troy

So basically, your past experiences are interfering with your growth. Its all natural, its a survival mechanism evolution has drilled into your reptilian brain. Try not to worry too much about it. Step back, take a deep breath and relax.
Imagine your personality as two people, one is the past that keeps pulling you down and the other that wants to rise up. You need to segregate their qualities in your mind correctly. This requires a bit of self introspection.
Once you have done that you need to choose who would you rather be, the one that got burned, or the one that wants to win.....
Give power to the one you want so that he can slay the one that you don't want.
Why do you keep giving a stereotype of the people of the past to the people of your present? It helps sometimes, but don't go using it as an ultimate judgment. Not all five fingers on your hand are the same right? Each human may have similarities but there are also differences. It is also possible that you were a different person back then and you changed. You may not get the same reaction from the same people as you would back when you were that guy.
Instead of thinking what might happen in your social circles, why don't you try working upon your own self and raising your fundamentals? This may give you some confidence in speaking to girls initially. Learn the game as you go on.
Its not easy from where you're coming from, but you can try.

 

[Troy]

Pks391,

Thanks bro. Yeah I understand what you're saying. Good pointers. I have a constant conflict with my past self versus present self. Like:

Have I really changed?
Yeah I've upgraded my fundamentals but deep down on days where everything is not good I question myself once more .
Have a few lays really made a difference? No imo.


All these girls be touching and smiling at me but how long till they turn against me and see me as weird? These thoughts are things that plagued me in the past.
It's like my identity mindset has not changed despite the past success.

The ding dong battle, I was a weirdo to the majority of people for 14 years or so and I'm seen as "cool" to way more people for only 2 years now.

It's quite a imbalance. The human body dislikes change and whatever it has been used to for a long time is what it wants to continue experiencing. It's a protective mechanism.

As you say though Psk, starting today I'm on my way to work I'll practice looking at people as they are now and just be friendly to them. I'm going to train myself to look at the bully "in my mind " as a good friend. And the cute girl at work, I'm going to smile at her today and cancel all negative talk that will soon find me a bore.

Thanks again

 

[pks391]

Pks391,

Thanks bro. Yeah I understand what you're saying. Good pointers. I have a constant conflict with my past self versus present self. Like:

Have I really changed?
Yeah I've upgraded my fundamentals but deep down on days where everything is not good I question myself once more .
Have a few lays really made a difference? No imo.


All these girls be touching and smiling at me but how long till they turn against me and see me as weird? These thoughts are things that plagued me in the past.
It's like my identity mindset has not changed despite the past success.

The ding dong battle, I was a weirdo to the majority of people for 14 years or so and I'm seen as "cool" to way more people for only 2 years now.

It's quite a imbalance. The human body dislikes change and whatever it has been used to for a long time is what it wants to continue experiencing. It's a protective mechanism.

As you say though Psk, starting today I'm on my way to work I'll practice looking at people as they are now and just be friendly to them. I'm going to train myself to look at the bully "in my mind " as a good friend. And the cute girl at work, I'm going to smile at her today and cancel all negative talk that will soon find me a bore.

Thanks again

Glad to be of help Always remember your greatest enemies are not the external ones, its the image of yourself inside your head. A great quote by one of my favourite anime characters...