Bad at Relationships?

[JimmyB]

Hi all,
I'm at a point now where things have been going well for me; my style has improved a ton, I'm confident talking to lots of women and have had some good success recently. I know I have plenty of room to improve but I'm happy with most of my 'game'. The place that always trips me up, though, is maintaining a relationship. I can attract girls plenty and sleep with them semi-regularly, but rarely maintain a relationship past that. I used to have the problem where I'd let a girl go then chase after her, but I'm now realizing that I didn't really like the girl all that much, I just didn't want to "lose". I like to win and am a very driven person at finding ways to succeed (I'm sure that's a lot of us since we're on this site). I've spent a lot of time trying to "fix" this problem within myself of not being good at intimacy/relationships. Now I'm looking at it from the perspective of "that's just who I am" at least for this point in my life.
I'd rather not get locked into a relationship for now so I can work on self-improvement.

tl;dr - Now, for my question: Can I just work from this frame of being bad at relationships? Or is this just me being weak? I mean, should I just be up front and say I don't want anything past sleeping with you (not so bluntly necessarily)

 

[Lotus]

Hey Jimmy,

I'm not quite sure what you want, but yes just saying you are "bad at relationships" is an out. You are only bad at something because you haven't developed the skills yet. It takes time an practice. Relationships are not easy, they take time an patience, most of the time you don't know what the hell the girl wants but you have to have faith in yourself.

Chasing comes from the perspective that "if I don't chase her she won't come back to me". When you trust your own value you think, "I'm a strong, masculine man she will eventually reach out to me. I don't need to chase her."

I just didn't want to "lose".

Ego. You must lose it.

Yes, most of us are competitive, but getting betting involves losing more then winning. The top guys have failed 1000 more times then they have won. Every time you lose you should be learning a new lesson.

Now, do you want a relationship? That's a completely different question.

If girls don't want to stick around after you sleep with them it just means you have tons of lover value and no provider value so they don't see you as more then a sex toy. When that's your goal, awesome. Plenty of guys really want that, but do you really?

Because you're asking my guess is that's not the case, but only you know what you really want.

-Lotus

 

[JimmyB]

Lotus, thanks for the response. You're right that it's a matter of developing a skill. I guess the issue is maybe I do have a good amount of lover value but I don't fully see myself that way. Maybe because as I've been improving to become a better man and more of a lover, it's hard to get much feedback about how girls perceive me.
So labeling myself as "bad at relationships" is out, ok. But then if I do want to continue in a relationship as a lover, how do I keep things in that frame? I view it as usually a one night stand type situation, but maybe that's not the only possibility?

 

[Lotus]

Maybe because as I've been improving to become a better man and more of a lover, it's hard to get much feedback about how girls perceive me.

Yeah I believe that's something we will always struggle to completely understand, our value in a girls eyes. I think you with time and experience you will be able to pin point it better, but knowing it exactly is near impossible.

But then if I do want to continue in a relationship as a lover, how do I keep things in that frame? I view it as usually a one night stand type situation, but maybe that's not the only possibility?

Remember she should be the one to bring up, "what the goal of the relationship is", you should just contact her if you want to see her again or don't if you don't.

How do you interactions normally go after sex? more information would help.

By that I mean how do you text and and look to hangout after the fact.

-Lotus

 

[JimmyB]

Looking back at it now, a lot of times when I have difficulty is when I've hooked up with a girl but didn't have sex. When I know I didn't expend every option possible and feel a sense of regret, I'll chase after them (or used to do this). And I tend to do this with girls that I think are very hot or that I'm really into. The reason I bring this up is because the only girls I seem to want to be in any sort of relationship with are the ones I didn't have sex with. I'm not sure if I think they're hotter because I didn't have sex with her or I trip myself up with girls that I think are hotter. It's kind of like a catch-22 where if I have sex with her, I lose most of my desire to be with that girl. Like I know I can have sex with her if I already have, now it's not that exciting and I could go out and take my chances to find a different girl rather than call up this same one.
For instance: Just went back to a girl's place last night. I had a great time, she was great, good body and pretty hot - blonde, tall and like 100 pounds but not like a 10. We had sex, she was really into it, but now looking back I don't think she was THAT hot and likely won't meet up with her again. Maybe if I want sex easily, but a relationship wouldn't develop.
To answer your question: I would just text her something like "Hey we should meet up this weekend" or "Let's hang out" and some time frame maybe. To the point and set up a meet at one of our places. Usually I get good responses with the girls I've had sex with but usually these are the girls I don't want to meet back up with. I think maybe I like girls more that are hard to get. It's illogical I know, but attraction isn't logical obviously.

I feel like I want a relationship with the girls that I'm friends with because they're cool but haven't had sex with, but don't want one with girls I've had sex with. To me it seems disjointed and I don't see when I WOULD get in a relationship. What's your take on this?

 

[JimmyB]

some one posted this in another thread. It pretty much answers my question.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NelpfuqnkGk
good stuff