Before the Approach: Assessing

[AFCnoob]

I've been wanting to ask for some guidance on this for weeks. Ever since I've started seriously trying to learn all this and successfully pick up girls, I've had one gnawing problem: assessing the situation! When I look at a set (woman/group of women/group of friends) I can immediately pick out the Alpha, and any existing relationships (bf/gf, more than friends) just from body language, but I have been tripped up more than once by a woman casually mentioning her boyfriend/husband who is elsewhere or returning soon (these were from "warm" women, and I believed them). I was also very confused by a woman who approached and talked to me, but who turned out to be with a group of men, and then later made it clear that her boyfriend was elsewhere in the venue.

I've read about the "three second rule", which some aPUA's use to overcome *approach anxiety*, but this leaves zero time for assessment! I also do not want to sit and stare at a set, because I look like a creep. But I also feel like a huge douche when I approach a set and come off looking like an idiot because I assessed the situation improperly or not at all.

Do you just have to have uber situation awareness skills or what? I can't quite bring myself to use the "So, are you single?" approach because: a) I don't think this is a viable option with multi-person sets, and I don't think I'm objectively attractive enough to really pull it off anyway--I worry girls might take the out and just say "no" to end the interaction. Is improper assessment just a hazard of the trade, or is there a better way?

Cases in point:
(1) Approached and chatted up girl sitting alone and looking irritated: turns out the thing irritating her was her boyfriend--who wanted to fight me.
(2) Introduced to a really attractive woman by a friend. She asked me if I was a model. I was psyched, but chose to express my interest to my friend privately--he informed me that she was married (incidentally saving me from making an idiot of myself)

 

[Franco]

Hi AFCnoob,

Yeah, this situation can be tricky. You are going to approach a number of girls who initially seem interested (and most of the time, they likely are at least attracted to you), but then end up giving you the "boyfriend" news just when the conversation seems to be warming up. At times, her giving you this news can be almost unavoidable... especially if she is truly happy with her current relationship.

First, I will explain why this happens, and then I will explain a technique you can use to reduce the number of women you encounter who are actually "taken."

One thing to understand about women is that they are always constantly assessing their own "value." While they may be happily in a relationship, it doesn't mean that they don't want validation from other men -- especially ones they find to be powerful or attractive! Chase mentions an interesting dynamic in several of his blogs that you might begin to pick up on: women who are single tend to be attracted to men who are NOT single, and women who are taken tend to be attracted to men who ARE single. Since this is the case, you are often going to get women checking you out who actually have no intention of moving things forward with you. On the other hand, there are women you will meet who are in a relationship, but are unhappy with their current situation and potentially looking for a new partner who will revive their excitement and passion.

There is a tactic you can use to reduce the rate at which you approach women who are taken rather than single. Find a location to post up where you can be noticed (such as the center of a bar area) and use your peripheral vision to keep track of the women you find attractive. Once you make eye contact with a woman, your window in which you can actually approach her closes quickly because she knows you have seen her. She is now only going to give you a short amount of time to make an approach so that she can move on to seeking out another guy if you seem uninterested. In this case, the "three second rule" makes some sense because you want to approach before this window closes, but you also miss the opportunity to see who she is with (such as a boyfriend), what her vibe is like, and whether or not she actually tries to "re-position" herself to be noticed by you! The more you can make her "work" for your attention before you approach, the better.

I hope this advice helps.

- Franco

 

[AFCnoob]

The one thing I have not been doing enough of, or doing properly is covertly scoping out girls who seem to be attracted to me first. Perhaps I'm not presenting myself well enough, or perhaps I'm just not that attractive, but I don't seem to get this a whole lot. Then again, it could be that I'm just not paying attention! Historically, I've always been the last to know when a girl likes me.

I'll start working on this and see how it works, thanks very much for the advice.

 

[Eric]

The one thing I have not been doing enough of, or doing properly is covertly scoping out girls who seem to be attracted to me first. Perhaps I'm not presenting myself well enough, or perhaps I'm just not that attractive, but I don't seem to get this a whole lot. Then again, it could be that I'm just not paying attention! Historically, I've always been the last to know when a girl likes me.

I'll start working on this and see how it works, thanks very much for the advice.

Honestly, what might be more effective than assessing the situation is to assess your vibe. Just go talk to them, don't worry about assessing. You'll get gut instincts from experience rather than just conjecture. Also, work on your state and stop worrying about sets or w/e. Walk around not approaching till you start to get that warm feeling inside, and you feel like your gliding / floating (that "oh god I'm awesome/sexy feeling"). The less you worry about the approach the better.

 

[AFCnoob]

Very sound advice, omgosh, duly noted. I don't very often get that "oh god I'm awesome/sexy feeling", but when I do things do generally seem to take care of themselves, thanks for reminding me.

 

[tensionisheld]

Confidence is key. In this video, a comedian uses Here comes baby boo boo quotes as pickup lines:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=neeP87gMCJA
If you watch the video, you will notice that he actually does get a phone number!
You would ask yourself, how can this be?
Well, if you have the confidence to do something as strange as that and appear sure of yourself, it is going to exhibit past success, and with that, attraction.
Now, I am not saying you should attempt that, but I am saying is that..
If you don't try, you don't win. I would much rather get shot down by ten girls and sleep with one rather than watch eleven girls walk past me and sleep alone that night.
-Tension

 

[Jackson Joe]

There is a tactic you can use to reduce the rate at which you approach women who are taken rather than single. Find a location to post up where you can be noticed (such as the center of a bar area) and use your peripheral vision to keep track of the women you find attractive. Once you make eye contact with a woman, your window in which you can actually approach her closes quickly because she knows you have seen her. She is now only going to give you a short amount of time to make an approach so that she can move on to seeking out another guy if you seem uninterested. In this case, the "three second rule" makes some sense because you want to approach before this window closes, but you also miss the opportunity to see who she is with (such as a boyfriend), what her vibe is like, and whether or not she actually tries to "re-position" herself to be noticed by you! The more you can make her "work" for your attention before you approach, the better.

This sounds interesting, and I think I get what you're saying, but I didn't quite get the answser as to how we're supposed to be able to tell the difference between if she's:

A. checking you out because she's assessing her own value, or
B. because she's attracted to you