- Joined
- Oct 26, 2015
- Messages
- 246
Feel great resistance to posting this, but I'll put it out there, just in case …
What just triggered this
At noon a top girl sends me a gif of her huge boobs on the bed, sending a kiss with her lips. It’s early morning in her time zone.
Some teasing back and forth .. and half an hour after I had already wished her a nice day she sends another message:
"Too bad I couldn’t take the phone into the shower or I’d have had you there with me. Can only say I had an excellent time
"
I should be so proud. I do enjoy it, but it’s not pushing my mood the way I think it should. And this is a girl I’ve been wanting for five years. (She just broke up.)
In the afternoon I see many girls I like, but do not really "find" ways to talk to any - as if today simply were "stay-passive" day. They’re all very young and I just don’t feel any chance of a positive outcome.
One set was absolute dream girls as per my standards - potential to make me fall in love. They even looked as I entered the lot to park my car. I didn’t even entertain a thought of approaching.
At the end I feel the day was useless, I wake up feeling exhausted and the thought of leaving the house again leaves me sort of "uneasy".
Achievements so far
Over the years I struggled with victim mentality … and overcame it.
I passed ~10 years of depression … until I kind of got bored by it.
It surely left me more "indifferent", maybe stronger.
Looking at my recent journal, I see 100% factual proof of improving almost linearly, while really I’m feeling "so far away" from what I truly need.
Happiness?
The happiest moment in my life was a threesome with two 18y/o’s. I had laid the first one alone at my place and when I brought her home, I pushed her onto her friend’s bed, extended my neck, starting to kiss the friend.
I count loads of stories of fun moments - like the time a girl hid me in her bathroom because her orbiter was picking her up to drive her some place an hour away.
But I’m also very much aware that stories are past and I don’t see what good they are in the present.
I regret a lot more when I screw up things than I appreciate when they go right. Often I catch myself worrying about social consequences, even when all I did was hand my card when the energy wasn’t quite right.
And sometimes when I think I made a horrible impression and write a girl off, I’m surprised to find a new message from her.
Relative to others
I don’t see any other living an all-too similar experience. I attribute it them being significantly more capable of staying busy and distracted, ignoring their true desires.
I spend the majority of time longing to understand this world. As a result, money isn’t an issue, health is good and people all around pretty much like and respect me,
In comparison, my results in all areas of life are much more fruitful than others dare to dream of.
But it feels lonely, with all those non-factual beliefs around, forming what they call "society".
I constantly find myself lowering expectations towards the "that’s-not-so-easy" people … while wondering how they can possibly struggle so much at simple tasks.
Absolutes for me
Apart from devouring information, creating knowledge, over the years, I did meditation, recall high points of the day when going to bed, exercise regularly, go slow when others panic, focus on fun content, removing me from newsshit and also - and especially - the confused "Oh my god, we have to fight this!" crowd.
I journal, maintain lists of achievements, have my things well structured … I rather quit a thing than slack it.
I carefully select my endeavors. Hence they’re interesting.
But still, on my own terms I’m not satisfied.
Time passes, people take shitty decisions, get worse, cause loss, and somewhere somebody suggests to appreciate the little things.
Meanwhile, I find myself longing for that one elusive thing … as if there were some purpose to it that I’m not permitted to ignore.
Closing
I intended to make this about raising the question on how to feed more off positive things.
Then communicate that it’s not a lack of achievements as such, but the way they (don’t) affect me emotionally.
Go on to display what I think could still excite me (even though I even doubt that some times).
Give an idea about my life in comparison so as to mitigate the (well-intentioned) "just keep going, you’ll be fine" thoughts and eventually elicit heart-felt responses.
(Sorry for the many "I’s" in this - not my style, but this time it fit.)
Aside from personal growth, in what we’re doing here, do you think there’s a purpose other than just making this "Matrix" a more bearable place?
What just triggered this
At noon a top girl sends me a gif of her huge boobs on the bed, sending a kiss with her lips. It’s early morning in her time zone.
Some teasing back and forth .. and half an hour after I had already wished her a nice day she sends another message:
"Too bad I couldn’t take the phone into the shower or I’d have had you there with me. Can only say I had an excellent time
"I should be so proud. I do enjoy it, but it’s not pushing my mood the way I think it should. And this is a girl I’ve been wanting for five years. (She just broke up.)
In the afternoon I see many girls I like, but do not really "find" ways to talk to any - as if today simply were "stay-passive" day. They’re all very young and I just don’t feel any chance of a positive outcome.
One set was absolute dream girls as per my standards - potential to make me fall in love. They even looked as I entered the lot to park my car. I didn’t even entertain a thought of approaching.
At the end I feel the day was useless, I wake up feeling exhausted and the thought of leaving the house again leaves me sort of "uneasy".
Achievements so far
Over the years I struggled with victim mentality … and overcame it.
I passed ~10 years of depression … until I kind of got bored by it.
It surely left me more "indifferent", maybe stronger.
Looking at my recent journal, I see 100% factual proof of improving almost linearly, while really I’m feeling "so far away" from what I truly need.
Happiness?
The happiest moment in my life was a threesome with two 18y/o’s. I had laid the first one alone at my place and when I brought her home, I pushed her onto her friend’s bed, extended my neck, starting to kiss the friend.
I count loads of stories of fun moments - like the time a girl hid me in her bathroom because her orbiter was picking her up to drive her some place an hour away.
But I’m also very much aware that stories are past and I don’t see what good they are in the present.
I regret a lot more when I screw up things than I appreciate when they go right. Often I catch myself worrying about social consequences, even when all I did was hand my card when the energy wasn’t quite right.
And sometimes when I think I made a horrible impression and write a girl off, I’m surprised to find a new message from her.
Relative to others
I don’t see any other living an all-too similar experience. I attribute it them being significantly more capable of staying busy and distracted, ignoring their true desires.
I spend the majority of time longing to understand this world. As a result, money isn’t an issue, health is good and people all around pretty much like and respect me,
In comparison, my results in all areas of life are much more fruitful than others dare to dream of.
But it feels lonely, with all those non-factual beliefs around, forming what they call "society".
I constantly find myself lowering expectations towards the "that’s-not-so-easy" people … while wondering how they can possibly struggle so much at simple tasks.
Absolutes for me
Apart from devouring information, creating knowledge, over the years, I did meditation, recall high points of the day when going to bed, exercise regularly, go slow when others panic, focus on fun content, removing me from newsshit and also - and especially - the confused "Oh my god, we have to fight this!" crowd.
I journal, maintain lists of achievements, have my things well structured … I rather quit a thing than slack it.
I carefully select my endeavors. Hence they’re interesting.
But still, on my own terms I’m not satisfied.
Time passes, people take shitty decisions, get worse, cause loss, and somewhere somebody suggests to appreciate the little things.
Meanwhile, I find myself longing for that one elusive thing … as if there were some purpose to it that I’m not permitted to ignore.
Closing
I intended to make this about raising the question on how to feed more off positive things.
Then communicate that it’s not a lack of achievements as such, but the way they (don’t) affect me emotionally.
Go on to display what I think could still excite me (even though I even doubt that some times).
Give an idea about my life in comparison so as to mitigate the (well-intentioned) "just keep going, you’ll be fine" thoughts and eventually elicit heart-felt responses.
(Sorry for the many "I’s" in this - not my style, but this time it fit.)
Aside from personal growth, in what we’re doing here, do you think there’s a purpose other than just making this "Matrix" a more bearable place?
