Biggest Mistake of my Life

[Gardna]

Hey everyone, I desperately need your help. I have been dating this amazing girl who i love so much and we have plans for marriage and the future and I also have a best friend who has been my mentor since high school and helped me learn social skill and help with my anxiety. Anyway, he doesnt like my girlfriend because of some dumb fight they got in a long time ago and he constantly berates me for dating her and gets pissed if i say anything positive about her. This summer she went to another country for an internship and I stayed in my town. My friend was in a nearby city for work and he invited me for the weekend and I went and the whole time was a rant against my girlfriend and to make him happy I acted as if I didn't care about my relationship(stupid i know) and I was feeling pretty overconfident about everything because my life was going great.There was this girl who liked him and invited him over and he really wanted a threesome with me( we are very close friends and i know this is weird) and i told him he should have sex with her and so this girl invited us over and they started having sex and i was pressured into joining and also i was so horny from not seeing my girlfriend for months and I just had no control over myself that i made the biggest mistake of my life and cheated. I was completely disturbed during and after it. I feel absolutely horrible now and am filled with extreme regret,guilt, and remorse. I love love love my girlfriend so much and I hate myself for what i did. My friend told me i must forgive myself vow to never let it happen again and continue dating if i wanted but I am not sure how to proceed. I take responsibility for what I have done and am in the process of trying to forgive myself and I made a vow on my life to never ever cheat again. My whole life I never wanted to cheat or thought that I would ever cheat. She is insecure and has had men cheat on her in the past and she always tells me how I was different and saved her from some bad times which i have seen and adds more pressure to this situation. What should i do? should i tell her or not tell her break up or not ignore it?

Also, the shame and guilt from the sexual encounter has completely killed my motivation for sex and sex drive in general and right now I feel like i never want to have sex again. I am wondering if you know how i can process those feelings?

please help someone i need it so bad i ruined my future completely

 

[Parkour]

First accept your hormones. It's not unhealthy to want to have sex with the girl, especially when it's presented to you so easily.

Your disappointment with yourself that you're not a super-strong willed guy is understandable but naive. Quite frankly, the way you become tougher and stronger is to go through experiences that test your boundaries and develop the skill sets to exert more control over your reality in vulnerable situations.

Doing some wholesome stuff like volunteering or helping other people out in a completely selfless and constructive way is the only real way I know to help you cope with feelings like regret or, to be more direct, shame. Also, giving yourself time to go through your own processing cycle is important.

 

[devlish]

This may seem a bit robotic but -

Humans are just animals and sex is just a biological act of putting your things into a female. This is not a big deal and doesn't stop you loving your girlfriend. Think does it actually help to worry either because you'll just worry her.

Needless to say wherever she is, she's gonna be getting loads of guy attention so maybe this balances that out slightly, so in any case it's good for you.

If you feel that bad tell her, otherwise stick to what I've said above

 

[Gardna]

So should I proceed with my life as normal? I made a vow to never cheat again and I swore to my God and on my own life. It's one of my core values now. How do I deal with the guilt of the situation, being selfless and volunteering will that help. Will my life ever be normal again with girlfriend will I ever have ease around her because talking ṭo her now is me with a lot of anxiety in my stomach and chest and acting more like a beta out of guilt. Can I ever return to feeling 100 percent relaxed and open with her again because she acts so sweet towards me and I all feel is overwhelming guilt for betraying her!!

 

[Marcellus]

Hey Gardna,

Come on man,if you love this girl! Why are you letting your friend talk so much shit about her? and why are you pretending that you don't care about the relationship? C'mon man, have some boundaries!

Tell the guy that shit is not cool and to stop with all his insults. And you will learn from this no doubt about it but you can't be letting people force you into shit that you do not want to do, this is your fucking life and not anyone elses, if you don't wanna do something then don't it.

Marcellus

 

[Gardna]

Marcellus, I know man I'm sorry. I really do love her. I only acted that way to keep the peace and please everyone and now I realize how stupid that is. My friend is also my mentor for so long and I have always listened to him and it's hard for me to disagree but I never realized that I would go this fat down a bad path and put myself in a bad situation. Before what happened, I thought it was no big deal and I could just manage them both but now I realize not only are boundaries super important never had them with friends only girls and only because of this website. I have learned my lesson about boundaries and friends.

 

[Gardna]

please guide me what should I do? How do I rid myself of the guilt. The steps I can start taking is having stronger boundaries and rules and making my values more solid because cheating has always been a core value for me. It happened so fast and I hadn't really been tempted I underestimated what temptation would be like.

 

[Marcellus]

Gardna,

I'm just like you, I keep telling myself that cheating is stupid and that I will never do it. But When the time comes and there's a pretty girl in front of me... who knows what happens.

I understand you don't wanna disagree with your mentor and a good friend but friends respect each other, you disagreeing with him and saying it's not cool will cause him to respect you. He will definitely respect you after that weather he likes what you have to say or not. I can't help you with the cheating bit since I don't really have any experience with relationships but If you could just try to work on your values and figure out what truly matters to you, then you'll be all good my man.

Marcellus

 

[Gardna]

From now on,Whenever I am in a committed relationship, I will just have to avoid situations with temptation or just get out of a situation.

I understand about the mentor and I'll make sure I have boundaries and not let it happen again and also stand up for myself.

I am working on my values now to.

I just don't know how to get rid of the guilt and shame and move on if I should or can

 

[JimmyB]

Your disappointment with yourself that you're not a super-strong willed guy is understandable but naive. Quite frankly, the way you become tougher and stronger is to go through experiences that test your boundaries and develop the skill sets to exert more control over your reality in vulnerable situations.
^what Parkour said is really good.
Besides that, stop with the vows and swearing on your life. Humans make mistakes. Accept that we all make mistakes from time to time. Cheating is a mistake, not a death sentence. It's important to accept your actions as your own, though, rather than playing a victim. Don't pretend like you were forced into this and now you'll just never do it again. You chose to have sex with that girl. Man up and accept your actions. No one can make you do anything if you don't want to do it. If you're able to let some one talk you into something you're going to regret, then you have a long way to go towards becoming a man.
Going forward, I'd say whatever you do, be honest with yourself about the fact that it happened and own up to it as a mistake. Don't make excuses for why you did it, just accept that it happened. I would not bring it up to your girlfriend. The only reason you would is to rid yourself of guilt at her expense. That's just being selfish and leads to no good. If, on the other hand, she pries or somehow it comes out that this happened, do not lie. Admit you did it, say you were horny and she (your girlfriend) was half way around the world and you were pressured into it. But admit that you made the decision. Never place blame on other people because you just look weak. People can get over mistakes when you own up to them and are honest. It just takes time. If this doesn't come up for a long time, it will be less of an issue. It's more how you handle it than what you did. On the other hand, pretending it wasn't you or confessing and asking forgiveness is annoying and I don't think anyone likes to witness that.

 

[Gardna]

I understand what you are saying and i agree it is my fault and my responsibility for what happened. The reason I bring up the friend /mentor is to make the point that I am easily swayed and easily influenced and I didn't have any boundaries at all with him. I am just realizing my mistake with that friendship and how I need reevaluate it. It's was still my decision and fault and action however. The problem I need help with is how do I get over the guilt and shame will accepting the responsibility and trying to move on will that help me get rid of the guilt and shame?

Also what's wring with making a vow to never do it again? I can't think if a scenario where infidelity is ever a good idea and I should be able to control myself having control is important right?

Lastly, if she were to find out what would be the dominant way to discuss and confess what happened?