Building a manly core

[Spyce D]

Note : I have been gaming for around 3 months . Had some great memories but It seems to me that even though I look manly but I don't really have a manly core .

Today , I realised that lot of my problems in my life , and not just in game are due to this .

Things like …

Chickening out when the going gets tough .
Not being decisive .
Not escalating cuz I don't wanna 'lose her' .
Looking for quick fix ... Rather than actually working for it .
Seeing only threats , not opportunities with career , women .

It feels like I am a manchild , sometimes .
Like looking for others to support me emotionally ... Rather than handling my own emotions .
And lot of others things in which I make myself dependable on others ( especially , women ) .

I am done living like this .

Since I started game ...and met a few women ... Only then I realised this .

All my anxiety ,self trust issues are just cuz I don't feel manly enough from inside .

I still feel inferior .

And I am done losing MY women due to me having masculinity crisis. Ffs ...I always have trouble with leading women .

I am done seeing disappointments faces on my dates cuz I was being a bitch and not leading then .

I want to change it .

I want to change it .

I will change it .

But ... No idea how cuz never had manly role models . No big brother to guide me .

I just want to feel like a man .

HOW DO I ACHIEVE IT ?

I mean manliness as in inside / behavioral / beliefs and not in physical sense cuz I already have been exercising for some months now .

I have seen skinny / short guys being more manly than me .

And it sucks when those guys take away your target when you look way better than them .

Maybe ... I need to change my belief system .

Maybe there is something else I need to do .

 

[Jan]

It seems to me that your main emotional problem is FEAR related.

And the only way to overcome fear is to FACE IT.

However, you should do it GRADUALLY.

In my opinion, only if you do it gradually, by taking small steps, and increasing exposure and difficulty gradually, only then you will be able to FACE FEARS CONSISTENTLY OVER LONG TERM.

When you say that you are not feeling MANLY, that's because you DON'T HAVE SELF-CONFIDENCE, and the ONLY WAY to build SELF-CONFIDENCE is to build it from experience. GRADUALLY as a I said.

MAN IS MADE. Think about this. This may sounds like a good or bad thing to hear, but if you DON'T BUILD YOURSELF AS A MAN, you will be a boy until death. Getting older without gaining experience will not make you a man, and your feelings won't change.

You can only get more manly by DOING. By exposing yourself. By facing fears and facing reality.

So, if you have a plan then check how MUCH FEAR/ANXIETY it creates in you. If the fear is PARALYZING YOUR INACTION, then it means that the plan is TOO DIFFICULT. For example: your your plan is go out for a day game session, approach the hottest woman you encounter and take her to bed in 3 hours. This sounds like a difficult plan (unless you are very exprerienced and skilled).

How can you with high likelihood know if a plan is TOO DIFFICULT? It's when even a THOUGHT of doing this is creating FEAR - it's just simply too difficult a task.

KEEP DECREASING THE DIFFICULTY OF YOUR TASKS UNTIL YOU CAN PERFORM THEM. Just perform. You don't need to succeed at them. If you've performed the task, you've gained the experience, then you should analyze it/review it and make adjustments next time.

Keep repeating this, and you will man up! Good luck

 

[DarkJedi]

Good stuff by @Jan

I'd like to add one thing:
Take action, and try not to focus on the fact that you're "not manly" as you say. Don't look down yourself for being where you are at.

Becoming manly for you is going to be a internal change for sure, but it will happen gradually, as you gain positive reference experiences and provide gradual "evidence" to your subconscious that you are in fact manly.

So, for now, meditate, accept where you are at. Take consistent and gradual action, with the belief that it will slowly chip away and create internal change as well.

 

[Jan]

So, for now, meditate, accept where you are at.

That's correct. Actually, I should have started with that. Acceptance is very important, and it's the starting point for change.

Once you accept the reality as it is, you will stop wasting time on self-delusions and self-bashing. Best, if you can accept it both intellectually (as a reality fact) as well as emotionally ("I'm still half-boy-half-man, but it's ok. It is what it is. Being angry on myself for that won't solve anything.").

Thanks for bringing that up, @DarkJedi

 

[Spyce D]

Note : On Oct 15 , I had a ' hang out ' with a chick for the 4th time but still couldn't kiss her at all even though she showed me all signs of interest . That really made me question my masculinity . That's why I wrote that post . I have definitely improved albeit slowly .

When you say that you are not feeling MANLY, that's because you DON'T HAVE SELF-CONFIDENCE, and the ONLY WAY to build SELF-CONFIDENCE is to build it from experienc

That's what I have been doing since the last 3 months.

KEEP DECREASING THE DIFFICULTY OF YOUR TASKS UNTIL YOU CAN PERFORM THEM. Just perform. You don't need to succeed at them. If you've performed the task, you've gained the experience, then you should analyze it/review it and make adjustments next time.

Yup . By decreasing the difficulty , it's easier to face situations and by slightly increasing it everytime , I am now able to face a lot more than before .

Good stuff by @Jan

I'd like to add one thing:
Take action, and try not to focus on the fact that you're "not manly" as you say. Don't look down yourself for being where you are at.

Becoming manly for you is going to be a internal change for sure, but it will happen gradually, as you gain positive reference experiences and provide gradual "evidence" to your subconscious that you are in fact manly.

True .

I had been focusing on I not being "man enough" which I now realise just means that I was / am not a man of my word . So , I am simply focused on becoming a man of my word .

And outside experiences , new experiences are helping me increase my self confidence .

, for now, meditate, accept where you are at. Take consistent and gradual action, with the belief that it will slowly chip away and create internal change as well.

Consistency has been my kryptonite . And most likely , I wasn't feeling manly due to being inconsistent in all of my life .

Needless to say , to be consistent , what I have been doing is to get started just like how @Jan said above .

 

[Zoro]

How are you health fundamentals?

Do you sleep well, eat well, work out, get enough sun, breathe through your nose, have healthy ways to deal with stress? All these things can impact your testosterone levels (among other important things).

Having higher testosterone is known to help with all those things you mentioned. More grit, action taking, gaming more, etc.

Btw, a lot of people think they eat well, and actually eat the food pyramid which is just a slow way to kill yourself.

I recommend this site for eating health (and other health tips) Marks Daily Apple it’s basically an improved version of Paleo.

I would even consider trying to compete more. Play some sports.

Meditation definitely too. Helps you deal with life and overcome sticking points.

 

[Spyce D]

How are you health fundamentals?

They were good but I did let go of my progress just a few months ago and tbh it has sucked .
Reason being I fucked up my lower back due to botched deadlift which even made standing straight up hell .

Do you sleep well, eat well, work out, get enough sun, breathe through your nose, have healthy ways to deal with stress? All these things can impact your testosterone levels (among other important things).

It's been tough for me to sleep properly .
I haven't worked out much due to back injury In last 2-3 months .
I do breathe from my nose.
I don't think I have healthy way to deal with stress . I would just start using internet to cope with it and maybe that's why my sleep , eating habits are bad .


And I know that my t levels are seriously low now . That's why I am having all these ' troubles ' that I am posting over the forums .

would even consider trying to compete more. Play some sports.

I did compete in mma till jan 2023 . Had to quit it from March or April . It really gave me an edge .


I don't want to write it as feeling sorry for myself . I just wrote how it is . I have been trying to soothe things out in my life but was always inconsistent , most likely that's it lead to me thinking about myself as less of a man . Cuz I had forgotten how to Stand up for my own self / words.

Btw , currently I am on a recovery phase , have already quit cigarettes , masturbation . My only enemy is ditching the process and losing the progress.

So , I have simply decided to have a goal of increasing my t levels this year . It will solve a lot of my problems .

 

[Zoro]

It's been tough for me to sleep properly .
I haven't worked out much due to back injury In last 2-3 months .
I do breathe from my nose.
I don't think I have healthy way to deal with stress . I would just start using internet to cope with it and maybe that's why my sleep , eating habits are bad .


And I know that my t levels are seriously low now . That's why I am having all these ' troubles ' that I am posting over the forums .

I think this can really effect your ability to have that "manly core" you're talking about.

Think about it like this. Your biology optimizes for safety. And testosterone is the hormone that pushes a man outside that safety zone.

So if you help the body to feel safe (meditate, take magnesium, rest well, sleep well, etc.)...

And if you optimize your testosterone (again sleeping well, eating well, getting sunlight on large areas of skin, and so on)...

Then you create the biological conditions for striving, facing challenge, and kicking some ass.

Sleep works best on a routine. Your body has its own clock. You set it with light. As soon as you wake up, get sunlight on your eyes. Doesn';t work through a window. Take a 15 min walk.

Next avoid light at night, and use natural sleep aids like magensium and herbal formulas. Avoid melatonin.

Meditation is great for stress management. And maybe there are other ways to exercise without engaging that injured area.

did compete in mma till jan 2023 . Had to quit it from March or April . It really gave me an edge .

Exactly. MMA is one of the best things for this. Great workout, great way to compete in a primal way, and a good sensei will teach you how to have a strong and conscious spirit.


After hearing that, I think you know what you need to do. Just need some stable ground. Again meditation helps you find the rock in the storm of life.

 

[Adventurer]

Do you sleep well, eat well, work out, get enough sun, breathe through your nose, have healthy ways to deal with stress? All these things can impact your testosterone levels (among other important things).

Completely agree with that.

On top of it, you can use the winner effect. Engineer small wins, like waking up on time and do something easy but manly like a workout to start you day with a win and snowball from there.

As for seduction, set up achievable goals that you know you will meet with a bit of effort. For instance if you're having approach anxiety, set the goal to "go out to X place to look for approach invitations". Later when you're feeling better, "do 1 approach". Then "do 4 approaches", "go out for N hours and spam approach", "do N approaches in this new venue" etc

Stress is when you feel like you will fail your goals. You want a bit of it (otherwise that means you're completely in your comfort zone) but not too much (otherwise you give up and feel bad). Just set goals that are kind of easy but not completely free so the winner effect activates repeatedly day after day

 

[Spyce D]

top of it, you can use the winner effect. Engineer small wins, like waking up on time and do something easy but manly like a workout to start you day with a win and snowball from there.

Yup . It's true and so is the reverse .

These days , if I am not doing anything worthwhile even for a few days , I start feeling all these negative intrusive emotions .

These small wins definitely help me stay calm more than anything .

After hearing that, I think you know what you need to do. Just need some stable ground. Again meditation helps you find the rock in the storm

True .

And to find stable ground , I am focusing on cutting anything that is making me apathetic from my life . And adding up things that will re ignite the fire within .

 

[Zoro]

Yup . It's true and so is the reverse .

These days , if I am not doing anything worthwhile even for a few days , I start feeling all these negative intrusive emotions .

These small wins definitely help me stay calm more than anything .

Some food for thought here:

Sounds like it could be dopamine related too. A dopamine detox can do wonders for getting motivated and feeling better.

And to find stable ground , I am focusing on cutting anything that is making me apathetic from my life . And adding up things that will re ignite the fire within .

Exactly. You're on the right track. Good work.

 

[Spyce D]

Some food for thought here:

Sounds like it could be dopamine related too. A dopamine detox can do wonders for getting motivated and feeling better.

Yeah . I agree about competition cuz have felt the same way .

Btw , what dopamine detox really does for me is making me restless and riled up that I have no other choice but to take action .

But I generally tend to fall back to my old habits after
2-4 months . This is the pattern I noticed in 2023 . Anyways will work on this too