Can an Agnostic/Christian relationship ever work?

[Michelangelo]

My girlfriend, of 3 years, and I just broke up a few days ago.The inciting issue was that I'm agnostic and she is a very conservative Christian. She says that even though she wants to marry me, she thinks that me not believing in God will be a constant conflict when raising kids where she wants Christian children (I want children too but instead want them to decide on their own). We still love eachother very much to where she still cries constantly and tells me she is having second thougts about breaking things off. I told her that I would want nothing more than to be with her but that I except her decision and that I will always be there for her.

My question is can I, as an agnostic, ever realistically be in a relationship with her, a Christian woman? I know deep down that I want to be with her but I also know that religion will always be an obstacle.

Thanks for any advice you guys offer since even already the advice I've received from this site has changed me form a shy and quiet guy to an assertive, playful boyfriend. This site has the best information for helping men with women and as such, I will take any advise from here sincerely.

 

[Sandman]

She makes a very good point. If it were casual it wouldn't be a problem but if marriage and children are on the table it will always be an issue. You just value and want different things, I would just set her free.

 

[Inbocca]

In this situation, religion isn't the dividing issue: both of your rooted values are. I know cross-religious couples who are married and have kids and it's no issue for them. In those cases, they were on the same page when it came to raising kids to choose their own path, or one partner was adamant about raising their kids in their faith and the other didn't particularly care.

Any time you get two people dating with staunchly different opinions that matter strongly to them, one is either going to concede or they're going to reach an impasse. In your case it was the latter, and there's nothing wrong with that. Unless you come to some sort of mutually-agreeable arrangement (for example, many Catholics only insist that their kids get baptized and don't necessarily drag them to church every week), what you've done is probably best.

 

[Michelangelo]

Inbocca,

I ultimately want my children to decide on their own but had agreed in the past to have our children be raised Christian. So in your example I think I was portraying that I was conceding, but actually was at an impasse because deep down my I never really embraced raising our children Christian. And this false approach might have caused the issue.

Also, I should add that not only does she want Christian children but also a Christian husband, something she is no longer conceding on. I think this is something we won't ever reconcile since I would never want to lie to her about my lack of faith and she is always going to want me to be Chistian.

 

[Michelangelo]

I would just set her free.

By free do you mean that I should let her go completely, or would it be fine if we stayed friends?

 

[Sandman]

I mean let her go completely. It's obvious both of you have strong feelings for each other. You will either get back together which will not be healthy or you will just hurt being just friends until one of you meets and starts dating someone else.

Better a clean break. Don't be a dick about it. Wish her well. Explain that it will be better for both of you this way. And after that do not talk to her under any circumstances. Remove all the reminders. Don't follow her on social media. It will be hard but you want it quick and clean.

 

[Michelangelo]

Okay I think I'm in a better place now to take your advice. However The only problem I worry about is that during the breakup, she said several times that she didn't want me to run away or leave her forever. That's because during the relationship I mentioned I didn't know for sure that, if we broke up, we could be friends after. (I knew from this site that the best action was likely not to stay friends)

However when she expressed that concern, I comforted her by saying that I wouldn't leave her, that we could still be friends and I will still keep in touch. That, if I ever hurt her by leaving her forever, she should remind me that I said I'd never hurt her.

So should I still cut all contact and risk her hating me forever because I basically lied to her?

If so, would the best way to cut contact still be sending her an email saying I wish her well, that it will be better for us this way and then after that not talking to her again?

 

[Inbocca]

I should add that not only does she want Christian children but also a Christian husband, something she is no longer conceding on. I think this is something we won't ever reconcile since I would never want to lie to her about my lack of faith and she is always going to want me to be Chistian.

I remember when I was a devout Christian. I felt the same way about the girl I wanted to marry. I would project that view onto any girl I had feelings for and slowly try to work them into the role I wanted them to fill. It wasn't until I fell super hard for a firmly-agnostic girl that I realized the folly of trying to change someone's beliefs because you want what you want. And eventually the folly of my own beliefs, but that's a different story.

It doesn't sound like there's a chance of you changing her mind. If she's going to keep searching for her god-fearing man then it's best she do that. Maybe she'll change her mind, maybe not. Either way, you've had your role in the process.

However when she expressed that concern, I comforted her by saying that I wouldn't leave her, that we could still be friends and I will still keep in touch. That, if I ever hurt her by leaving her forever, she should remind me that I said I'd never hurt her.

So should I still cut all contact and risk her hating me forever because I basically lied to her?

The nice thing about cutting contact with someone is that you don't have to hear from them again. If she hates you or if she's moved on and finds the man she's looking for, it doesn't matter to you unless you let it. If you've got to choose between your own happiness and hers - and I don't mean this hurtfully, but she's leaving you because you don't believe in a man in the sky - you should choose yours. Maybe she'll think better of you because you continued to stick around in her life, but once she finds another man who better fits her criteria, she won't need you around and she'll slowly start ghosting on you. It seems far off now, but it will happen eventually. Break-up emotions are always temporary, and they hit girls hardest at first.

As somebody who used to put other people's happiness above his own for far too long, I can tell you it gets you nowhere. People will be grateful for a season and perhaps remember you as a good person for it, but eventually they move on and don't care. Why? Because they put themselves first. You need to put yourself first. If you can do it while causing minimal harm, the better. Don't be intentionally malicious or bitter. But you need to take care of you.

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Women aren't really religious the way men are. For them, it's a relationship, not an ideal. Since you don't fit into her "club," i.e, you're not in her spiritual social circle, and that makes you an outsider. This can be okay for a hookup but for a relationship it's a bit harder. Long-term, she can't see family or church friends getting along with you, which is probably the root of the problem. She can already see all of her friends gossiping during the wedding dress fitting about how you don't believe in god (they don't understand the distinction between agnostic and atheist usually; you're simply a non-believer).

To put this another way, it's not what it seems. It's not an intellectual issue, it's an issue of social consequences. Her tribe is more important than you are.

I ultimately want my children to decide on their own but had agreed in the past to have our children be raised Christian

Ah. The relationship was founded on a mutual agreement that you broke. You can go back on your word with women on certain things, with other things not. Seems like this was one of those "not" situations.

Hector