Can there be too much deep dive (and self rejection) ?

[lux7]

I was out with a girl and as she was getting drunk -wasn't used to drinking- she shared really a lot of personal stuff, some of them quite socially unacceptable.
I was very open about them all -or I guess she wouldn't have kept going- and made the conversation pleasant and "easy" even though many people I know wouldn't have wanted to see her again.

She later complained that she said everything about her and me nothing.
I related to most of what was being talked about but I'm not the kind of guy that throws it all out, especially the first hours he's met someone.

Now to me it seemed quite a nice time we had and she confirmed so at that time, but I sent a message a couple of days after we met and till today -a couple of days after- no reply.

I'm thinking it might be because she actually felt embarrassed at what she shared (and possibly partially "betrayed" that I didn't say as much).

I mean, it could be for other reasons like she didn't like me physically; or that I escalated while she wasn't attracted; or that she called me very late that night asking if I had her golden ring -I didn't-, so she might have even suspected of me as thief (as soon as she asked that I thought "damn, now if I don't find I'm *****" ), but anyway the main question stands:

Can there be occasions of too much deep diving too soon -especially if coupled with too few sharing from your side?-
And can this lead to either her feeling you know too much to become her lover and/or feeling ashamed for what she said?

 

[PinotNoir]

To be honest, I don't think you "crested" enough. Search for Chase's cresting article.

If it gets too serious, you want to make a light joke or say something positive to bring it back up. With deep-diving, you want to fall and rise smoothly -- without much awkward, serious silence.

Also, you still want to reveal things about yourself; you can still do this while maintaining mystery if done correctly. You also use the deep-diving to connect: "I love that too!" or "I love adventurous girls" or "I love girls that cook greek food." Things like that. You can also use deep-diving to talk about exciting things to get her in an heightened emotional state: the thing that scared her most in her life or excited her most in her life, etc.

Deep-diving is just one step of many. It is not your target. Use it to make her think, "Wow, he is really focused on me and asking questions that other guys don't" and getting her out of auto-pilot. Use it to connect with her. Use it to make her more comfortable with you, so that you can then move her on to the next step (which, coincidentally, is probably moving her). Move her to a sofa with you or back to your place.

So to answer your question, yes, there can be too much if it never goes anywhere -- if deep-diving is the only thing you do. It is just another step and tool. Use it to get to your ultimate goal; it is not the goal.

 

[Nova]

Of course you can deep dive too much, and end up missing an escalation window.

Essentially deep-diving is, in many ways, just a more advanced way of helping a girl feel more comfortable/trusting around you via the use of building an emotional connection, which does just that, builds comfort and trust.

If you can frame an interaction as sexual, mainly via your vibe, body language and fundamentals, build comfort and trust, handle logistics and move thing forward, you've seduced a girl.

Where a lot of guys go wrong, is they carry on deep diving when a girl is already good to go and that escalation window is already open. You really need to be able to recognize when a girl wants and is ready to move forward, and when she is, move.

How much deep-diving, building a connection, gaining trust do you need? It just depends on the girl and your level. There is no right answer. This is why its so important to be able to read girls.

 

[lux7]

I didn't phrase my point correctly I think .

We were out drinking a bottle of wine and talking, but after that we went home and even though we didn't go all the way I don't think the problem is that I just kept talking without doing anything (if anything, the problem in that area is that I was escalating without her being sexually ready and/receptive towards me )

I was also making good fun and not because I was planning it, it's just that I wouldn't bare anyway too serious a conversation .

The thing might be, I was thinking, that she shared too much -as she herself hinted- to feel comfortable around me when not drunk and without me having shared as much as her.
Which would have been hard anyway as I didn't have much to relate or say "that's cool" when still at a young age, among other things, she says she shot up and she had to stop with weed because she did too much at too young an age and that impaired a bit her brain (OK you might be thinking and why do you want to meet such a person again, well, no I'm not into druggies at all, but that's another story now.. )

 

[PinotNoir]

...I don't think the problem is that I just kept talking without doing anything (if anything, the problem in that area is that I was escalating without her being sexually ready and/receptive towards me )...

That's the problem area to fix then: Why was she not ready?

I still get boyfriended a lot, so maybe that was it? Too much deep-diving could have caused this, and I think it causes this with me a lot. She doesn't want to risk losing a guy that she has already infested so much time and so much of herself in. Or, if you have a nice place or nice things, that could have caused boyfriending.

Was the conversation exciting or have any sexual undertones? Did you flirt or use any innuendos? Did you have sexy eye contact with a sexy voice?

It sounds illogical sometimes, but honestly, as long as you have sexy eye contact while using a bedroom voice, you don't need any type of sexual undertones in the conversation.

I would suggest trying to figure out what it was, and it very well could have been too much deep-diving. Like Nova said, you could have missed an escalation window and let the deep-diving go too far, or it could have been something else unrelated to conversation...

 

[lux7]

That's the problem area to fix then: Why was she not ready?

I still get boyfriended a lot, so maybe that was it? Too much deep-diving could have caused this, and I think it causes this with me a lot. She doesn't want to risk losing a guy that she has already infested so much time and so much of herself in. Or, if you have a nice place or nice things, that could have caused boyfriending.

Was the conversation exciting or have any sexual undertones? Did you flirt or use any innuendos? Did you have sexy eye contact with a sexy voice?

It sounds illogical sometimes, but honestly, as long as you have sexy eye contact while using a bedroom voice, you don't need any type of sexual undertones in the conversation.

I would suggest trying to figure out what it was, and it very well could have been too much deep-diving. Like Nova said, you could have missed an escalation window and let the deep-diving go too far, or it could have been something else unrelated to conversation...

Very good message, appreciate it.
There's also another chance though: not all the girls will like you, no matter what you do.

I also liked the part about nice place and "nice things", which I always thought was quite an issue for me.
Which can seem silly as I only have a room in a shared flat, but it's in the center and huge with 2 couches inside, always clean and with wine and with many nice clothes hanging around, and given the Country where I live and that often the girls I go out with are students.. It makes quite an impression.