Can't Figure This Girl Out

[Aominona]

So i had a crush on this 19 Yr. old girl who has a 23 Yr. old boyfriend. ( I'm also 23). I've known her for 2 weeks now. She told me she had felt some feelings towards me and we hung out twice and really hit it off. Every time i see her we hug and hold hands. A Couple days later she goes cold feet and say's she can't anymore because she's in a relationship every time i try to get her out. She didn't say that shit the first two times she agreed to go out ! Same thing with the texting. In the beginning it was back and forth she would always text me first and would even go out of her way to even apologize and explained why she replied late or couldn't reply. We really connected, now she'll text every other day or so and even then sometimes she won't reply back even though she was the one who texted first trying to start a conversation. Since i met her we always used to talk about how i felt about her and vice versa but if i bring up the topic now asking her she wouldn't reply. She always used to pick me up from class since we live close by each other but she told me last night she couldn't use her car this morning because her step dad was going to use it and told me she would see me in class. Next morning she doesn't show up for any of the classes and on my way home i spotted her driving home with her girlfriend in the passenger seat and her boyfriend waiting in his car outside her house. :x Don't understand why she had to lie about that to me, when i clearly told her it was okay if she didn't like me that way. I would have still been cool with it but instead of just telling me the truth she avoids the those types of questions entirely and then makes a lie. I don't get it. Since that we haven't texted each other.

I believe that she placed me in the line between friend and boyfriend. If her feelings for me are NOT genuine then why keep distant and make a lie to cover up ? Meaning to say that her feeling are real but then again she's with him. These signals are so mixed i don't know what she's feeling or thinking that made her switch up. It made me remember a time when she mentioned to me that she's usually stubborn in the beginning. What do you guys think of the situation. :?


I would like to try again after a couple weeks or maybe months but don't know how i should go about it. What if i don't text her then a couple days later she texts me should i still reply to it ? If so what should i even say. Should i bring up what i saw or just stay quite and play it cool like i don't care anymore ? Keeping absolute distance as in no face 2 face talk is impossible since i see her 3x week in 2 classes.


I knew it was a bad idea to go for her since i knew she had a BF but since i had a crush on her and i need to practice what i learned on the forum i said why not and if i end up with her then it's a bonus. I am seeing other girls as of now so i not on oneitis. However i do not want to totally block this chick out of my life because as i said i do like her and want to try again sometime soon in the future. Just need to know how to play the right cards against the situation till then.

 

[Drck]

She was going out with a guy, and she liked you a lot. She gave you the opportunity, she hanged out with you, held your hands, drove you in her car, and she told you she had feelings for you. You missed that window, you didn't escalate, you didn't move things with her forward, and as a result she is pulling away.

She is fading away, she is giving you less and less responses, hoping that you 'get it'. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings that is why she's doesn't tell you directly. She's not going to tell you the truth, most girls simply don't do it (not unless you become quite annoying). Remember, girls thinkinking is totally different than guy's thinking.

Try not to tell the girl how you feel about her, at least not before you move quite forward with her. Show her with your actions instead.

The best way is to drop her, don't contact her, don't text her, don't ask for any explanations. Don't chase. You can still be nice, e.g. say hi or even have small conversations. In the mean time focus on another girls.

If she contacts you again, I would act as if nothing happened. I would decide what to reply depending on level of investment she potentialy puts into you. For example, if she invites you out for a ride, I would go.

She should remember you as a cool guy who goes out with other cute girls, and who is non-reactive to the fact that she is with another guy...

 

[Aominona]

She was going out with a guy, and she liked you a lot. She gave you the opportunity, she hanged out with you, held your hands, drove you in her car, and she told you she had feelings for you. You missed that window, you didn't escalate, you didn't move things with her forward, and as a result she is pulling away.

She is fading away, she is giving you less and less responses, hoping that you 'get it'. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings that is why she's doesn't tell you directly. She's not going to tell you the truth, most girls simply don't do it (not unless you become quite annoying). Remember, girls thinkinking is totally different than guy's thinking.

Try not to tell the girl how you feel about her, at least not before you move quite forward with her. Show her with your actions instead.

The best way is to drop her, don't contact her, don't text her, don't ask for any explanations. Don't chase. You can still be nice, e.g. say hi or even have small conversations. In the mean time focus on another girls.

If she contacts you again, I would act as if nothing happened. I would decide what to reply depending on level of investment she potentialy puts into you. For example, if she invites you out for a ride, I would go.

She should remember you as a cool guy who goes out with other cute girls, and who is non-reactive to the fact that she is with another guy...

Thx for the detailed analysis. How will I know when another window is open to escalate ?

 

[Drck]

That's a little bit tough one, it depends on experience.

A good way to see it is to assume that she is attracted to you and that she wants to sleep with you. With this assumptions it is easier to seek those windows, you simply want to keep moving forward anytime she gives you an opportunity, and you keep moving forward - till you end up in the bed with her.

For example, she told you she had feelings for you and she invited you to a car. You kind of want to read into it, e.g. the car is a small place where both of you are together and quite close. She gave you the opportunity to be with you, thus you should escalate, move things forward.

She could start talking about how her girl friend is making out with her BF. Again, if you don't assume that she wants to sleep with you you can easily miss it, it is just an insignificant story. But if you assume that she wants to sleep with you, this is a huge hint - she is talking about two people that are together and making out. And, since she is with you in the car, and she already told you that she has feelings for you... Got the hint? It is a window.

Similarly, she can start talking about sex. The talk could be in a negative way, e.g. her girl friend was having sex with her BF, and she shouldn't have done it so soon, only after 1st date. Your girl says that she would never do it that soon. Now be careful here because you can mess up a lot. For example, if you say "I agree with you, it was definitely too soon, she should have dated her BF much longer, honest girls don't do it on the first date", you could be dumped the same day - while she can make it seem that she totally agrees with you. Your girl was simply asking you what do you think about having a fast sex, and you appear too judgemental, too slow, too much of a Nice Guy. She may wanted to have fast sex with you, perhaps on the 1st date, but because she just found out what you think about having fast sex - it won't happen as she doesn't want to be judged... You will be dumped, shifted into a Friend Zone...

On the other hand, if you assume that she wants to sleep with you fast it is much easier. You interpret it as a good window - she is in a car with you, she told you that she has feelings for you and now she is talking about sex. It is in a negative way, but it is still sex, so it is simply time to move things forward. You could for example say something like "I agree with you, but if the guy was attractive and she really really likes him and have feelings for him, it was just a natural way. Things just happen for reason". Now she knows that you agree with her, that it is ok not to sleep with a guy on a first date, but at the same time - it is perfectly ok to sleep with a guy on a first date if she has feelings for him, things 'just happen'... And she does like you, she has feelings for you...

Another time she might just talk about her parents going out for some trip, and she is home alone. If you don't assume that she wants to sleep with you it is quite easy to miss the opportunity. But if you assume it, now you know that she is talking about her being home alone. Hey, have you seen this movie yet? I got it on DVD, let me see what is my schedule, maybe I can stop by and bring it to you on Saturday... If she is not interested she could simply say: No, thanks, I've seen it before, it was boring. So you know she is not interested. If she is interested, she could say something like: I heard that the movie is really good, yea, I've never seen it before! Right, she already watched it 10 times, do you think she will tell you the truth? But another window opened, now you know that she is home alone, that she has feelings for your, she wants to see a movie that you will personally bring to her house... All you have to do is to keep assuming that she wants to have sex and keep moving forward...

 

[Aominona]

That's a little bit tough one, it depends on experience.

A good way to see it is to assume that she is attracted to you and that she wants to sleep with you. With this assumptions it is easier to seek those windows, you simply want to keep moving forward anytime she gives you an opportunity, and you keep moving forward - till you end up in the bed with her.

For example, she told you she had feelings for you and she invited you to a car. You kind of want to read into it, e.g. the car is a small place where both of you are together and quite close. She gave you the opportunity to be with you, thus you should escalate, move things forward.

She could start talking about how her girl friend is making out with her BF. Again, if you don't assume that she wants to sleep with you you can easily miss it, it is just an insignificant story. But if you assume that she wants to sleep with you, t

his is a huge hint - she is talking about two people that are together and making out. And, since she is with you in the car, and she already told you that she has feelings for you... Got the hint? It is a window.

Similarly, she can start talking about sex. The talk could be in a negative way, e.g. her girl friend was having sex with her BF, and she shouldn't have done it so soon, only after 1st date. Your girl says that she would never do it that soon. Now be careful here because you can mess up a lot. For example, if you say "I agree with you, it was definitely too soon, she should have dated her BF much longer, honest girls don't do it on the first date", you could be dumped the same day - while she can make it seem that she totally agrees with you. Your girl was simply asking you what do you think about having a fast sex, and you appear too judgemental, too slow, too much of a Nice Guy. She may wanted to have fast sex with you, perhaps on the 1st date, but because she just found out what you think about having fast sex - it won't happen as she doesn't want to be judged... You will be dumped, shifted into a Friend Zone...

On the other hand, if you assume that she wants to sleep with you fast it is much easier. You interpret it as a good window - she is in a car with you, she told you that she has feelings for you and now she is talking about sex. It is in a negative way, but it is still sex, so it is simply time to move things forward. You could for example say something like "I agree with you, but if the guy was attractive and she really really likes him and have feelings for him, it was just a natural way. Things just happen for reason". Now she knows that you agree with her, that it is ok not to sleep with a guy on a first date, but at the same time - it is perfectly ok to sleep with a guy on a first date if she has feelings for him, things 'just happen'... And she does like you, she has feelings for you...

Another time she might just talk about her parents going out for some trip, and she is home alone. If you don't assume that she wants to sleep with you it is quite easy to miss the opportunity. But if you assume it, now you know that she is talking about her being home alone. Hey, have you seen this movie yet? I got it on DVD, let me see what is my schedule, maybe I can stop by and bring it to you on Saturday... If she is not interested she could simply say: No, thanks, I've seen it before, it was boring. So you know she is not interested. If she is interested, she could say something like: I heard that the movie is really good, yea, I've never seen it before! Right, she already watched it 10 times, do you think she will tell you the truth? But another window opened, now you know that she is home alone, that she has feelings for your, she wants to see a movie that you will personally bring to her house... All you have to do is to keep assuming that she wants to have sex and keep moving forward...

The thing is she told me that she told me she doesn't think she can give me anymore rides because she it's hard for her knowing that she can't do anything with me like go out etc. Because she's in a relationship. She still texts me and everything but its now slowed down so I'm wondering if I should make her miss me by not replying her. Even if I did that I would still be seeing her in the classroom 3x week. Also wondering if i should still be giving her hugs and stuff like i normally did.

 

[Drck]

Yes. A girl who wants to be with a guy will make it easy to be with him. She wants to be close with him on different levels - physically, emotionally, mentally... Maybe not on all the levels at the same time, but definitely at least some.

A girl who is not so interested in a guy will do the exact opposite. She is creating a physical distance, she doesn't want to be close with him on any of the above levels, not physical, not emotional, not mental...

Sorry bro, your girl doesn't want to give you more rides (physical closeness), she doesn't' want to go out with you (physical, emotional, mental), she is texting you less and less (mental) and eventually she will stop texting. She is gone, no matter what you do she will not miss you. It is a harsh truth, but it is what it is.

Don't chase, focus on another girls. She's got BF, she is in relationship, you are only orbiting a girl who is not available. She feels bad because of that, she knows you can be easily hurt...

Try not to get passive aggressive, no drama. Don't ask her about her BF and relationship, remain cool guy who has other choices. You can be friendly, give her hugs and talk to her like before if you want to, no problem, just don't expect much from it.

 

[Aominona]

Yes. A girl who wants to be with a guy will make it easy to be with him. She wants to be close with him on different levels - physically, emotionally, mentally... Maybe not on all the levels at the same time, but definitely at least some.

A girl who is not so interested in a guy will do the exact opposite. She is creating a physical distance, she doesn't want to be close with him on any of the above levels, not physical, not emotional, not mental...

Sorry bro, your girl doesn't want to give you more rides (physical closeness), she doesn't' want to go out with you (physical, emotional, mental), she is texting you less and less (mental) and eventually she will stop texting. She is gone, no matter what you do she will not miss you. It is a harsh truth, but it is what it is.

Don't chase, focus on another girls. She's got BF, she is in relationship, you are only orbiting a girl who is not available. She feels bad because of that, she knows you can be easily hurt...

Try not to get passive aggressive, no drama. Don't ask her about her BF and relationship, remain cool guy who has other choices. You can be friendly, give her hugs and talk to her like before if you want to, no problem, just don't expect much from it.

Update: So when i first met the girl she knew i worked out at this one place. She told me she also use to work out there but not anymore. However in recent events we all know that she told me she had feelings for me but couldn't continue this, she decline every time i asked her out and sent late replies through text. I saw her in class this morning and she looked like something was wrong, couldn't even look at me. At the end of that class we had a 30mins break in which i texted her asking if she was going to back to our class she replied yes. We sat next to each other and chatted through out the class time. After class we parted ways. No hugs, Just a simple bye. The following is our conversation after we parted from class.

Me: Lol wasn't that (Insert name) <------ Her BF

Her: Yea he didn't see me

Me: Is that a good thing? Lol as soon as i looked forward i was like wtf? He was right in front of me haha.

Her: Lol well i had to rush home anyways

Me: I've been seeing him everywhere lately it's weird. Ha yea i know i couldn't even get a hug.

Her: Aww i'm sorry I'll make up that hug on (Insert Day). Lol that is weird

Me: Better be your best hug. Maybe it's time for me and him to meet lol (;

Her: Yea haha and i don't think so

Me: Haha okey well if ever i meet him my name is (Insert nickname)

Her: haha why

Me: So that he doesn't know I'm the charming guy. (Insert Nickname) is what my friends call me and my female friends call me Abby/Abra. But for you it's bae Ahaha.

Her: Lol omg (States my name)

20 mins later ..........

Me: making a killer protein shake coz my abs been sore for 2 days now and i still gotta work out later.

Her: Oh Nice nice. I'm gonna go to ( XXX where i workout ) tomorrow to go do some stairs.

Me: Nice, I'll meet you there then.

Her: What really ?

Me: Yea why not, I'll meet you over there.

Her: Yea tomorrow around 5ish

Me : Afternoon right, okay see you tomorrow then.

Her: Okay


So there it is, As you can see from the original postings she was declining me every time i asked her out because she stated she couldn't do it because it was too hard on her since she's in a relationship and has feelings for me. It's NOT a coincidence that after i mentioned i was going to work out she wanted to go to the same place also after she clearly told me in the past that she didn't like it there. Not only that but judging by her response she seemed shocked and excited. Another thing to notice is how she completely gave zero fucks about her BF passing us by after class and how her replies are back to how they were the first time i meet her. I'm no pro but these look like good signs to me. Is it just me or did she just re-open the window ?

 

[Drck]

Ok. Go with your guts.

What do you want with this girl? Just friends? Girlfriend? If you want GF she's got to go out with you, and she's got to like and agree to be physical with you. If she doesn't want to do it she is simply not interested enough. She may still like you a lot as a really good guy, but not just not enough as a BF...

With girls, watch for actions, not what she says.

It should be the same with guys - actions, not so much talking about feelings. So if she shows up, good. Keep moving forward, window is open. I would maybe invite her some place to cool off and relax after such intensive workout. Pool would be good if it was here (you tell her), or shower, imagine cold water running slowly down your (hot) body, you tell her. Or maybe cold soda will do it, let's go and relax for a couple of minutes, cool off, you tell her.

Can you feel the difference between cold soda on your cheek and my hand (you tell her)? Ha. Now you are touching her face, or maybe just her hand. Can she feel the same difference on her feet? Or thighs? Ok, she is really good in feeling different things then.

But then you can show her another trick, this time she's got to close her eyes first because this won't be so easy for her, now she can only use imagination. Tell her that she has to relax first in order for her imagination to work, but she also has to stay still and can't move. Can she recognize your fingers touching her neck? But how about your lips, can she say the difference which side of the neck is your fingers, and which side are your lips? You of course don't tell her, you just do it without telling her...


Or whatever works for you, Good Luck!

 

[ray_zorse]

It looks to me like much too much texting and chasing, it's cool (and a bit surprising) she agreed to meet you at her workout place, but I wouldn't consider that as investment really, it's not like she has to go out of her way to meet you there. I think you'll find it's a friendly chat and see you later. Drck is right, it's a missed window, usually they hate you after that (because you got their hopes up and disappointed them, and also made them feel like a slut for giving you the window in the first place)... but she still appears to see friend-value in you so she hasn't cut you off completely. I would totally ignore her myself, maybe just a nod of acknowledgement from time to time, and if she comes to you like something's wrong... say something like "okey lets go sit down somewhere private and talk about it", if she says no, see you later The trick here is to withdraw the friend-value until you start getting what you want, this probably won't happen, but at least you'll get your head straight and your feelings won't lead you to be taken advantage of.
-Ray

 

[Aominona]

It looks to me like much too much texting and chasing, it's cool (and a bit surprising) she agreed to meet you at her workout place, but I wouldn't consider that as investment really, it's not like she has to go out of her way to meet you there. I think you'll find it's a friendly chat and see you later. Drck is right, it's a missed window, usually they hate you after that (because you got their hopes up and disappointed them, and also made them feel like a slut for giving you the window in the first place)... but she still appears to see friend-value in you so she hasn't cut you off completely. I would totally ignore her myself, maybe just a nod of acknowledgement from time to time, and if she comes to you like something's wrong... say something like "okey lets go sit down somewhere private and talk about it", if she says no, see you later The trick here is to withdraw the friend-value until you start getting what you want, this probably won't happen, but at least you'll get your head straight and your feelings won't lead you to be taken advantage of.
-Ray

It was my workout place that she went to NOT hers. She told me in the beginning that she stopped going there and didn't like it there. But then out of the blue she tells me she's going to go there and so we meet up. Also she offered me a ride to class tomorrow after she specifically told me that she couldn't give me anymore rides and that we couldn't hang out because it was too hard on her because she felt something for me. Looks like the window for the start opened up again. We been hugging every time we see each other and I held her hand sometimes and arm around her shoulder etc. So I'm just going fucking kiss her tomorrow already and see what happens. Don't want to mess up this window.