Casual Relationship Sputtering Out

[Zoro]

I had been seeing a girl every week for the past four/five months. It was consistent, we never really missed a week and she would usually sleep over. After Valentines she seems to have grown a little cold and 2 weekends in a row said she was busy with no reschedule. Both are unusual, she was always enthusiastic about meeting.

We had sex every time we met and we both enjoyed it. Even though I would bring my A game, I could not get her to orgasm, and admittedly should have done more to help her get there. I would talk about it but she she seemed more concerned with me getting off. She was really a great girl

We had a good connection and I expected her to chase a relationship around 3 months. Never happened. When Valentines came around she said she was busy that weekend. I think she has a boyfriend or something, and I was the lover on the side. I saw a picture and texts that pointed to this. I was totally okay with that. I was looking for an open relationship anyway. So I think she spent Valentines with him. Also okay with that. She has been busy since then and the weekends following.

Troubleshooting here. I would like to see her again, I cared about her enough to keep seeing her. Though I am totally okay with moving on. On the other note I don't want to just leave it on this dead note. I think with how aloof I've been she might be surprised that I cared about her and have a bad taste for men like me. I like to leave girls better than I met them and this doesn't feel right.

I usually only texted her 4-5 times a week at most, sometimes only twice, but was always warm in person. Last couple texts over the past two weeks (amounting to 4-5) were asking her logistics to meet up and telling her to have a nice week. It almost seems like I am more aloof now even though I dont really text any less, just because I havent seen her in person to lay on the warmth.

Asked to hang out last Thursday, she replied Friday saying she was busy. I then replied Saturday wishing her a good week and she immediately responded wishing me the same. (that's normal intervals lol)

So what's going on? Anything I can do to see her again or at least have closure on a nicer note?

Feel free to ask more details.

 

[ThrowDown]

Throw the ball in her court...

 

[Zoro]

@Throwdown

Its been in her court since Saturday.

More sidenotes:

Almost feel my aloofness put her into auto rejection.

I pretty much wore the pants so I wonder if she just did not think the relationship could go anywhere, since I didn't do much to progress it.

 

[Franco]

J Wick,

I definitely think Valentine's Day played a huge role in what happened here, and may even be the entire cause of the situation. If you've been seeing this girl for 4 or 5 months casually now, then I'm sure she was hoping you would do something for her on Valentine's Day to make things more serious. Once you did not do anything, she realized that this relationship is not going anywhere, and she's focusing on pulling away from you because she knows she likes you too much (and feels that maybe you don't feel the same way).

Pictures and texts that you were able to see of her with another guy was just likely a ploy to protect herself (and possibly make you slightly jealous). I had a girl do this to me once around Valentine's Day -- we were seeing each other casually at the time, and since we were still technically "single," she made a few posts on Facebook about dates with another guy. I later found out she was still really into me, but she was guarding herself in case I was not going to do anything romantic for her on Valentine's Day.

Chase also has a post about this here: What To Do With Your Girlfriend On Valentine's Day

It briefly covers what happens when you're casually seeing a girl. It kind of sucks because it basically puts a "deadline" on whatever casual relationship you are in -- at that point, you either take things to the next level (by taking her out on Valentine's Day and giving her the idea that this is going to become something serious) or you don't do anything at all with her, and she starts pulling away because she realizes she needs to look elsewhere.

- Franco

 

[Zoro]

@Franco,

Yup, I forgot to mention it, but I felt like Valentines shook the whole thing up. Should have communicated better that I care about her and am willing to be in a relationship, if it is an open one.

So is there anything to do? like I said I either want to see her and patch things up, or graciously move on if nothing can be done.

I was planning on texting her today and giving her one more chance to open back up. Pretty sure she feels I don't care what happens, but in reality I do. Anyway to communicate that effectively?

This situation is a shame! Oh well, live and learn

 

[Franco]

J Wick,

Should have communicated better that I care about her and am willing to be in a relationship, if it is an open one.

Most girls won't accept this route, especially if they have strong feelings for you. Or, if they're more inexperienced, they might accept the route and then realize quickly they can't deal with it, start a ton of drama, and then result in the relationship either being exclusive or ending anyway. So don't stress too much if this was your end goal!

I was planning on texting her today and giving her one more chance to open back up. Pretty sure she feels I don't care what happens, but in reality I do. Anyway to communicate that effectively?

If you're just wanting an open relationship out of this and not something exclusive, then I would consider first of all whether or not you think this is the type of girl who is even going to go for that sort of thing. If she's super sexual, outgoing, and seems to crave tons of sex, then maybe an open relationship is something that is in the cards. If she seems more conservative, is very much into you, and ultimately seems like she's not the type to "share" a guy, then I would probably just let it go. If you made it 4-5 months, then that's actually on the "longer" side of a casual relationship, so it would definitely still be a successful one if it ended here.

If you're thinking about maybe making this an exclusive relationship (which it does not seem like you are, but just in case), then I would try to get her to bring up the idea of it still by instigating that there's an issue. So, for example, you could text her something direct such as:

You: "Hey Katie, I've noticed you've been somewhat aloof the last week or two. Is there anything bothering you that you'd like to talk about? I'm always open to talking about things."

This way, you aren't "chasing down" a relationship by saying something like, "Hey Katie, I think you might be upset that I did not take you out for Valentine's Day or something, so maybe we should talk about our relationship." The problem with these types of statements is that you are assuming/pointing out the problems yourself, which in general causes you to look a bit needy and lowers your value/power in the relationship. So trying to get her to bring up the problem is probably the best course of action here.

You may have to prod her a bit to get an answer (because she'll feel like the answer may be obvious, but you can make her think it's not so obvious by asking her about something specific [i.e. "Are you upset because I didn't text you back last week?"] and then she'll think that maybe you aren't aware of how important Valentine's Day was to her). Eventually, if she seems to be extra dodgy about it, you can finally say, "are you upset/concerned about us not doing something together on Valentine's Day?" But I would only do this if it seems like she can't muster the courage to bring this up herself (which also means she's probably pretty conservative and inexperienced if she can't).

From there, you can say, "well maybe we can discuss where this is going between us next time I see you." And then when you see her next, you can go with something along the lines of, "well, why don't we try being exclusive for a bit without publicly announcing it and see how it goes?" Of course, don't do any of this if exclusivity is something you are sure you do not want with this girl.

- Franco

 

[Zoro]

@ Franco,

Damn Franco, you a dating guru or sumptin?



Part of me wants to see what happens if just go for the open relationship or even commit to an exclusive one. But I think that's the same part of me that wants to avoid being entirely single again, more concerned with my sexual well-being than "us" and to avoid my dearly needed cold approach practice.

The stronger side of me knows that what we had was great while it lasted, and that its now time to put one foot in front of the other and man up.

The advice you gave sounds absolutely solid and sage. I feel like I can move on with lessons learned and an understanding of what went down.

If I am not broke at the time and happen to see you at one of those awesome EDM clubs in San Diego, drinks on me

 

[Zoro]

I am moving pretty soon and thought I might catch up with this girl before I leave town for good.

Haven't talked to her since, I took Franco's advice and just let it be... But I wonder how going about seeing this girl again before I leave would look like.

Seems like a longshot, but I am curious to what's possible in life, and crazier has happened than two ex-lovers meeting for one final farewell!

I expect to be moving a lot as I have the travel itch, so this is something I'd like to learn about.

 

[Zoro]

These days I treat every interaction like it might be the last one. You never know what will happen and by living in the moment in this way, we can express ourselves fully and not regret having not said anything later on.

I think that not communicating with her at all will be ideal, though truthfully I do miss her and would like to speak with her. Have to balance my desires with being a challenge and not seeming like a "kept" man.

For your situation, maybe it's over, maybe there's a new lover in the picture, you never know and their feelings change with the wind. Maybe just take some space and try again in a couple weeks.

This is how I am thinking about it. I enjoyed her company and want to see her again, so I extended my invitation. Either she grabs my outstretched hand or dismisses it and I will leave it at that.

 

[Zoro]

Update-

I texted her something along the lines of,

Hey, sorry for going silent on you for a while, been crazy busy. On top of that been preparing to move! Not sure what you've been up to, but I'd love to see you before I leave. Your schedule got room for some &%@%!& and JWICK time?

She took a week to text back something like,

Moving! Awesome, that sounds like an adventure. I'll pass on hanging out, but I hope you have a great time in this new place!

She actually made a point to respond and be super warm about it. Told you this girl was awesome. No dice, but that's the way the cookie crumbles and it was warm and gooey while it lasted, just how I like it. I'll shoot her a warm thank you text and then be on to new things.

 

[Grand Pooba]

Chase also has a post about this here: What To Do With Your Girlfriend On Valentine's Day

It briefly covers what happens when you're casually seeing a girl. It kind of sucks because it basically puts a "deadline" on whatever casual relationship you are in -- at that point, you either take things to the next level (by taking her out on Valentine's Day and giving her the idea that this is going to become something serious) or you don't do anything at all with her, and she starts pulling away because she realizes she needs to look elsewhere.

- Franco

I like to schedule something else I'm busy with on Valentine's Day (i.e. work, travel, or visiting my family) so that I have a legitimate excuse to not do anything extra special or exclusive on Valentine's Day. I find that this manages her disappointment better if she wanted to spend V Day together, and you have better odds at keeping her around in a casual relationship and treating V Day as nothing special.