Confession time: I am a broken guy obsessed with validation that wants help.

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

After having thought about it for a while, I have realized that I have a major issue myself when it comes to the game.

As some of you may know, I have had this unhealthy obsession with blonde bombshells but the more I think about if, I am not even that attracted to these kinds of women physically. A part of me would happily take a beautiful Italian, a gorgeous Latina, a good looking brunette, or even a good looking Indian girl over a blonde bombshell any day and that part of me is the physical attraction part. Yet, I chase after women for a bigger reason than that.

Back in high school and even through most of college, I was never the "cool guy". I always wanted that validation, flattery, and all of that respect which came from being a cool kid but I never got it. Now I understand that as you grow older, things like your job or your salary play a role but I feel kinda weird about that. Like I had to work hard to earn a six figure job just so society could give me the same respect they give a natural who happened to be tall and good looking in his high school days.

TBH, what gets me is that I did not get to have sex with hot girls in high school or even most of college, and it pisses me off to no ends knowing that I was ignored by girls during those stages of my life.

You guys know how they say some people never really leave high school?

I feel like that kind of guy. All of those years of not being one of the cool kids and not being a part of the popular crowd have left me broken now. I find myself occasionally gossiping and talking shit about people to my friends and I chase after girls JUST SO I can get respect from other guys and people for getting girls. At times, I go after certain kinds of girls (blonde bombshells) just so I can feel like the man when I am with them and I've started to have success with them too.

It's like I want the world to throw roses at my feet, admire me, love me, and look up to me. I want people to be secretly jealous of the kind of life I have and the way I look and act. I want to be that guy that everyone is talking about and the guy a lot of other guys look up to.

Now I know this is not healthy but it is like I have become obsessed with this idea of chasing that validation and sense of respect that the popular kids got in high school and college. I want to go to the nicest parties, have the nicest social media profiles, date the hottest girls, and make friends with the coolest guys ALL so I can make other people who aren't fortunate enough to live that kind of life jealous of me.

What can I do to lose this obsession? I am hellbent on being Mr. Popular and The Cool Kid. I want those popular kids in high school to feel jealous of my social value and those former fratboys fill with envy as I fuck girls hotter than the ones they ever fucked.

I want to be the Leonardo DiCaprio or Cristiano Ronaldo of this world.

It was never that way for me either, back in high school I used to LOVE people but over time, I have had this jaded and pessimistic view of them. I almost want to play the whole status game just to show most other men how much superior I am to them rather than being the guy who picks others up.

All of those years of social isolation, bullying, and other things have done a number on me and the truth is, I feel like that is the root of all my problems.

 

[Lawliet]

Be very afraid....
Read this:
https://www.girlschase.com/content/why-i ... d-too-much

Yours,
Lawliet

 

[Smith]

Oh Pry,

It's good that you're recognizing your own intentions and the errors in them. Self-awareness is very important.

All of those years of social isolation, bullying, and other things have done a number on me and the truth is, I feel like that is the root of all my problems

What actions are you taking NOW to solve this? Are you becoming a more sociable person? Do you have something you're passionate about that's larger than women? Be honest with yourself, what qualities do you have that will make people admire you? and what are your values in life and as a man? Live up to those values. Actually sit down, write these down and put them on your wall so you can see them everyday.

There is no point ruminating in the past if it doesn't lead you to taking any action. Research has shown that people who are sad ruminate about their past a lot as a way to alleviate their anxiety and worries. It's comforting, but it doesn't lead them to taking any concrete steps to improve their life.

Stop trying to get back to those people that have hurt you in the past. Practice forgiveness. Superior man don't think about how other people suck and they don't compare themselves with other people. You can never win the comparison game. There will always be a guy who's more popular than you, got more status than you. Guys who "have it all" want to help other people and lift them up, not crushing them down and hoping for their admiration. Me and my friend have this game, every time we noticed each other talking shit about other people, we'll call it out "oh look at us. trying to talk shit about other people to make ourselves feel good haha". Then we'll see how pathetic the whole thing is.

If you want to become a successful people, e.g. Leonardo Dicaprio using your example here, then look at what he's actually doing. He does a lot of charity work and he's serious about his movies. He doesn't do shit movies. And if you look at the movies he has starred in the last few years, each one is slightly bigger and better than the last one. You can tell this guy is going on an upward spiral, even if he hasn't won any Oscars yet. But do you think he actually cares? probably not. Because that's his passion. When people see that you're on an upward spiral, they'll naturally want to be in your life, girls included. Fundamentally, girls are attracted to your identity, so build yourself into an attractive person by taking up hobbies you love, read books you like, hang out with like-minded people who also want to go up in life...etc. This will take time, but time flies and in a couple of years, you can't even tell you're already there because it has become the way you are.

In summary, girls can't solve your problem. If you think pickup can help you at the root of your problems, then you're going to be disappointed. Build yourselve into a man that's happy with his own life and doesn't need others approval. Good luck man!

 

[Drck]

Obsession like that can be good and bad at the same time, it depends how you look at it.

It is bad because you are obsessed with some ideas, such as those blonds, that you were not a cool guy who didn't have sex in high school and college and so forth... These ideas are sort of your obstacles, they are just things in your head that you can't overcome no matter what you do, thus you are unhappy...

But at the same time they are good because they motivate you to do something that is above average - you feel that you have some deficiencies thus you are trying to compensate, or even overcompensate them. Which usually means that you are either good in this area, or you have great predispositions to become good. In other words, you are hungry for success with blonds thus you keep working on it hard - till you achieve success.

Think about Edison, he did thousands of experiments with light bulb, he kept going till he found the one that is working. Anybody else would give up after 5 or 10 experiments, because they were not hungry enough for the success... The peculiar thing is that he never considered those experiments as a failures - he just found 10,000 ways that don't work... Think about it, it is a great mindset, amazing attitude...

Ok, so what's the solution? I'm not a therapist, but I don't think there is no easy solution to it. You have a strong emotional connection to your past, you keep going back and re-living those times again, you want to be this popular and cool kid....

IMO stopping the obsession is not the best solution for reason that the obsession itself will not disappear so easily. Much better way it is to substitute it consciously for another obsession, more rational one. For example, you can't change your past, what's done is done, let it go. But, you could change your future. You will never be that cool high school kid, but you can still be a great graduate student. Why not go to school again? Get your masters or Ph.D. in some area that you like, re-live those cool high school days, this time with your mature mind...

IMO this approach is much better than other solutions, because you are simply using the obsession to get ahead with your life, you are accomplishing good things, and you are getting second chance to be the guy that you always wanted to be... It's a good deal, you can't go wrong.. Stop dreaming about past, start dreaming about future...

At the same time I'd start using rationalization. You should be doing things for yourself, not to impress others. You should develop new views on people, and new view on self. Do you really need to be that popular guy? Why? Too much work to keep the popularity. It's also probably a good idea to accept that you won't become Leonardo, it's simply not possible, it was just a dream...

Another problem is, that many of us want to become somebody else because we are simply not happy with who we are... So we fake a lot of things, we do unnatural stuff to impress people, we try to change our personalities... But it always comes back, eventually we realize that we are not anybody else, but always ourselves...

Many times we get rejected just for this exact reason - we are not self, we are faking to be somebody else, we are pretending to be someone else... We are not authentic, we don't really like ourselves - and girls can read it very well... Dumping ground, she can't like somebody who is not happy with himself, she can't vibe well with somebody who is pretending to be another person...

So the key is not to become anybody else, rather discover the uniqueness of self... Think about it, we are all unique, we all see things little bit differently than others... You can't be Leonardo, you can't fake Leonardo, you can't think like Leonardo - because you are not Leonardo. Does it make sense? He is a different person. Different, not better. But you can be yourself by discovering and doing things your way, and learning how to be happy about it. So stop the desire to be someone else, just be you and learn to be be happy about it...

Hope some of it helps...

 

[Edd--19]

Oh Pry,

I think a fair number of people come to game to try and fulfill those types of fantasies... Turn back the clock and shake the world into a "better order". The thing is is that, from my experience, it just deepens the hole. The past will always be there and you will still feel that feeling in the back of your mind wanting the validation. Everyone who's learnt game says that it doesn't make you happy and I thought it would for me... Ironically the harder I try, the less I do. I'm not great but I realised that part of the issue is as radeng has mentioned (sorry if anyone else mentioned this, I skimmed the replies) it's about accepting yourself.

Here's a link to a useful article. I hope it helps.

 

[Dern]

It was never that way for me either, back in high school I used to LOVE people but over time, I have had this jaded and pessimistic view of them. I almost want to play the whole status game just to show most other men how much superior I am to them rather than being the guy who picks others up.

All of those years of social isolation, bullying, and other things have done a number on me and the truth is, I feel like that is the root of all my problems.

I really like your posts Oh Pry, as they reflect exactly my past too, and my mindset when I started game.

Like everyone has already said, it is about accepting the past, leaving it behind, and living in the moment, whilst still accepting yourself. Don't think about the future either. I recently just finished two psychology courses: positive psychology (about what makes people happy) and mindfulness psychology (how to meditate, accept yourself, and live in the present). Both courses were extremely eye-opening for me and shook my paradigms on life. I recommend practicing meditation. Anchor your attention on something (preferably your breath), notice the thoughts running through your head, don't be judgmental towards them, and then release them.

It got me thinking about my goals, and the underlying motives behind them. I mean, just recently, I was gaming (like you) for revenge against my past. I wanted to tear the bitch boy of my past apart. I wanted to show all my friends how cool I was, I fantasized (and still occasionally do) about destroying the guy who bullied me in high school. And I think that's good to a certain extent, like to get you to start approaching and stuff. But to base your life goals off that is not good. I'm just starting to realize this as well Oh Pry, after taking those psychology courses and coming back from an eye-opening trip to LA and SD. Buddhism/meditation encourages you to seek healthy goals, and the meaning of healthy goals are goals that facilitate well-being in yourself and others. That means you should be doing things for yourself (not your past, not for validation from others) and you should also be seeking to bring positivity to others lives.

It's not about changing your goals per se, but more about changing the underlying motives behind them. I recently went through a huge paradigm shift and I'm gaming now to bring value to others life. Just going into interactions with anyone (not just hot girls so I can get them off the pedestal hopefully vey soon), not expecting anything from them, and just trying to make them feel good and get to know them.

I'm going to end this post with two psychological concepts that capture very well what has been said in this thread so far: affective forecasting and the hedonic treadmill. The former represents peoples' ability to inaccurately judge their future emotions following a future event. For example, Bush voters were asked how happy they would be if Bush won the election. They said "extremely happy." However, when asked how happy they were, following the election where Bush won, they said "a little happy." When asked a few months later, how happy they were when they found out that Bush had won, they said "very happy." Lol. So you can just see by that example, how silly human nature can be. We think something will make us extremely happy, but when we get it, we aren't as happy as we expected (even though later, we falsely remember being more happy than in actuality). And that initial feeling of happiness isn't necessarily long-lasting either, as the concept of the hedonic treadmill claims: we return to our baseline levels of affect relatively quickly overtime.

Thus, the only way to "beat" the hedonic treadmill, is to base your happiness not on external things (like validation and # of girls slept with), but more on internal things like cultivating the right mindsets (e.g., mindfulness/present-moment awareness, gratitude, acceptance) and bringing value to other's lives.

I posted the link to the psychological article below just in case you are interested... I wish you well with everything Oh Pry!

http://www.people.virginia.edu/~tdw/wil ... cog.03.pdf