Congruence vs. Attractiveness: Where Do You Draw The Line?

[Inbocca]

I've seen more than a few articles, interviews and threads lately talking about the importance of being congruent (being your natural self and maximizing your attractiveness through that level of comfort). With all this uptalk, the values of congruence are plain and clear: easier for you, doesn't trip "bullshit senses", and confidence in ourselves (that is to say, natural confidence) is more attractive than confidence in an idea you got online somewhere.

It's safe to say most of us here didn't or aren't starting out with great fundamentals or mindsets. Maybe our interests are birdwatching or ancient Celtic gender studies. Maybe the idea of hitting the gym sounds way less fun than hitting the comic store. Or maybe a more relevant example: in this last election, there were quite a few guys that could see the value and results of being an outspoken Trump supporter, but for some reason or another couldn't bring themselves to look past <insert radical opinion here>. For those times when being attractive and being congruent come into direct conflict, what is the best course of action? How do you come to love something you've never even liked before?

 

[Inbocca]

bump

 

[Average]

I usually ask myself these two questions:

1) is this characteristic a big part of me?
2) is she a fuck buddy or an LTR girl?

1) If she asked me a question asking if I liked comic books for example, most guys would say no since they view this as a small part of their lives so it wouldn't be a huge issue to sacrifice it in the name of getting with the girl.

I would, however, tell her honestly that I'm in love with them, since they form a huge chunk of my childhood and without them I wouldn't be the man I am today (its a long story). So congruence would be something I'd shoot for if a huge chunk of my personality falls under that characteristic.

2) if she's a one night stand then I'd probably throw away everything about myself in an effort to get into her pants because afterall, I'm never gonna see her again right? And even if I do, who cares?

But if she's a girl you want to have a long term relationship with, it would probably be best for the long term if you were to be honest with her from the start. If your fundamentals are on point then they will filter out the girls who will end up getting into parasitic/damaging relationships with you.
Being congruent will also allow you to avoid those silly fights where the girl asks you why you lied about this and lied about that. Its like your giving her ammo for her shit tests basically.

That's just my opinion though. But I've been single for quite a while so I'm not the best guy to listen to. I just wanna contribute anyway I can to the boards.

 

[WayOfHand]

Congruence is attractive no matter if its LTR or FB.

What you are congruent about doesnt matter at all if your fundamentals are good. You can like barbies for I care. If your fundamentals are tight the girl is gonna love you no matter what or should I say even more.

Congruence itself is part of fundamentals as I would see it. So if you have fundamentals in check you are bound to be congruent. But if you are congruent it doesn't guarantee you have good fundamentals although it is part of them.

 

[Average]

Congruence is attractive no matter if its LTR or FB.

What you are congruent about doesnt matter at all if your fundamentals are good. You can like barbies for I care. If your fundamentals are tight the girl is gonna love you no matter what or should I say even more.

Congruence itself is part of fundamentals as I would see it. So if you have fundamentals in check you are bound to be congruent. But if you are congruent it doesn't guarantee you have good fundamentals although it is part of them.

That's a valid point. Congruence is always sexy. But I'd say there are still some stuff to keep to yourself that wouldn't be of much help in the interaction. If your a guy and you just had a terrible day then telling her that you had a bad day would probably dampen the mood. I dunno if congruence and honesty are the same thing, but if they are then I'm saying that honesty isn't always the best policy. I'm not saying lie to the girl, but keeping some things private won't hurt her either.

This is kind of a silly question because there is no such thing as congruence.

You are made up of the beliefs you soaked up during your life and your actions are true to your beliefs.

You can change yourself whenever you want. The "real" you has nothing to do with your beliefs or thoughts or mindsets.


Congruence is a silly term because it implies that the beliefs and actions that define you right now should define you forever.

No. People change. All the the time.


I used to play video games for 14 hours a day and for months the only people I spoke to was family and only because they were there. I would eat and shit while playing video games. I went to sleep thinking about video games and I woke up and the first thing I would do was sit on the computer. I wouldn't shower or brush my teeth.


Do you think at that time I ever thought I'd be hitting on women and getting sexy with them? Do you think it was "congruent" for me to go up to girls and try and seduce them?

Me? The nerdy virgin?Nah.

I do it because I didn't want to live life that way anymore.


Congruence is based on a faulty mindset that who you're supposed to really be is what you are right now. And that's dead wrong.

Slay

Damn.

Lol. Awesome post. I like it.

Although, I think that congruence can still be broken if you make too drastic of a change too quickly. That's why when a person who's a videogamer tries to learn pickup for example learns about everything too fast and has their reality shattered too quickly (you know, from learning that girls like sex and there are probably nuns banging half the town) then they end up spiralling into depression or victim mentality permanently and will end up just giving up and going back to playing videogames forever. Even playing the videogames harder.

Sure for us it'll be easy to switch ideals and morals like that because I think we have learnt that we have to be able to do that in order to adapt to different situations. But think about average Joe who didn't read your post and hasn't discovered girlschase slay. The average citizen who still doesn't know that every moral they've ever had was given to them by society and hasn't emanated from their souls. If he switches from one ideal to the next, he'll feel dishonest and a bit shallow.

Although I still like the mindset you're suggesting in this post. People would go far if they had this and I believe It answers the topic perfectly if you have this mentality. Nice.

 

[Inbocca]

Lots of different perspectives, I love it!

This is kind of a silly question because there is no such thing as congruence.

You are made up of the beliefs you soaked up during your life and your actions are true to your beliefs.

You can change yourself whenever you want. The "real" you has nothing to do with your beliefs or thoughts or mindsets.


Congruence is a silly term because it implies that the beliefs and actions that define you right now should define you forever.

No. People change. All the the time.


I used to play video games for 14 hours a day and for months the only people I spoke to was family and only because they were there. I would eat and shit while playing video games. I went to sleep thinking about video games and I woke up and the first thing I would do was sit on the computer. I wouldn't shower or brush my teeth.


Do you think at that time I ever thought I'd be hitting on women and getting sexy with them? Do you think it was "congruent" for me to go up to girls and try and seduce them?

Me? The nerdy virgin?Nah.

I do it because I didn't want to live life that way anymore.


Congruence is based on a faulty mindset that who you're supposed to really be is what you are right now. And that's dead wrong.

Slay

Solid advice, man. I used to be the same way with video games a long while ago, then it was just like one day I had enough. It was congruent, now it's not.

I think, then, that what we perceive as congruence comes from a genuine desire, not just an outward manifestation of characteristics. If someone genuinely wants to be a good musician but plays shittily, it's still congruent because of his desire, and as he gets better the congruence will have more and more meaning.

Thanks for contributing, as always.