Creepy Touch

[13829938]

This is something I've been dealing with for a while, that I'd love to get some thoughts on.

It doesn't happen every time. But, a lot of times, when I'm with a girl, I'll touch her. When I do, it usually feels good at first. But after a second or two, I start thinking, "is this creepy", "should I keep my hand here", "does she like this"... just a bunch of stupid thoughts.

What I've realized is as soon as I have those thoughts, the touch "feels" creepy. It feels awkward. Before those thoughts came into my head, it was natural and good.

But I don't know how to reverse this. For example, if things are going really well with a girl, I touch her in some way, then I get that creepy feeling, and then she acts uncomfortable, it puts me in my head further, and seems to affirm what I was thinking (whether or not that's actually true).

Wondering if you guys have had any experience with this, and if so, how you were able to get over it.

Thanks.

 

[topcat]

Hey Gifted,

I think this might help you.

When I touch girls it's usually sporadic. Meaning I might touch their shoulder or grip their nape (gently) while talking to them, say I'm sitting, or lightly hold their hand as we stand and talk, but it's never overly prolonged. As the conversation ebbs and flows i'm initiating touch and releasing touch. *Touching* blah blah blah*pause* grabs drink and sips *blah blah blah* *casual touch to highlight something that's being said* *release touch and kick back* reinitiate touch a little later* and so on so forth. You'll feel as tension and comfort increases you can touch for longer and this is gauged by the girl's initiation of touch as well eg. you touch her hand, she caresses and gives you a warmer touch. When this happens and the girl is actually complying, those creepy feelings will go away.

So use touch sporadically and escalate touch as she complies, and always use physical closeness, eye contact and voice tone to suggest intimacy when you're not touching.

You just need to get yourself used to touching, that's all.

Topcat

 

[Lotus]

It doesn't happen every time. But, a lot of times, when I'm with a girl, I'll touch her. When I do, it usually feels good at first. But after a second or two, I start thinking, "is this creepy", "should I keep my hand here", "does she like this"... just a bunch of stupid thoughts.

Normally the natural touch on emphasis during convo shouldn't last more then a second or two. Definitely use it but don't let it linger too long.

Socially calibrated girls that are into you when you do this will start reciprocating the touch.

So if you are finding the girls are not welcoming it may be because you hold the touch a little long, she isn't as socially calibrated or she just isn't into you

-Brum

 

[ThrowDown]

I had a pretty funny experience with touch recently, in the computer lab at school I noticed a stunning girl wearing an interesting chinchilla style scarf. As I leave I place my hand on her shoulder and she turns around (in order to get her attention, since she had headphones in) and I tell her she has an interesting, cool scarf. She's like "uh thanks" and I proceed to leave the room.

Days later, I see this same girl at the final exams and as she walks up and leaves the testing area, she walks behind me and whispers venomously "don't you ever touch me again, you fucking loser". As I hear this, I burst out laughing and chuckle to myself. Grudge much?

Another experience with touch, would be when I seen a cure Chinese girl on the train, listening to music. I sit beside her and place my hand on her shoulder for a second to get her attention. She turns around and shudders violently as if I have disgusting fluids on my hand and posses a venereal disease on my face. For the rest of the train ride she shrinks off to the side, as if I was a pervert haha, the people nearby noticed this too and gave me odd looks. LOL

 

[Estate]

Guys... what type of touching are you guys doing? This is one of these areas that screams of guys taking "PUA" material and totally misinterpreting it which leads to downright weird, creepy and socially unacceptable behavior.

The rules don't change with women over anyone else you meet in the course of your day. It depends on the level of comfort you have with anyone. If it's a good friend or someone you k ow a big hug may be welcome on meeting them. With your boss... a firm handshake... but a big hug out of the blue to someone you pass in the streetc is not socially acceptable and will creep anyone out.

It sounds like you are not just touching but lingering too long when you do so. And especially when someone has no comfort with you.

If someone put their hand on me on a bus from behind too I'd be seriously creeper out. It doesn't matter who they are. It's not "Lol"... its.. holy crap get away from this freak.

Touch is about subtelty. If I'm on a first date then there is no comfort and in the first minutes I shouldn't be grabbing her. As the conversation progresses you can test the waters by brushing an arm or something and pay no attention like you didn't even notice it happened. If that's a big deal you'll see in her body language but if you're cool she won't be phased. As it progresses maybe you make a big point.. like "Oh! I've gotta tell you this...!" And you can touch her elbow for a moment for amphasis... but it should only be a moment.

You don't grab someone you don't know well. It should be very light and brief touching. You shouldn't draw attention to it by lingering or stopping a train of thought or worse.. looking as you do it.

It's a gradual progression to actual proper contact if things are progressing that way.

But I would IMPLORE you guys. If you are grabbing or lingering with ANYONE you have no built that comfort with... then you are seriously crossing people's boundaries.Mainstream PUA might teach this but I really strongly disagree that this is acceptable in any way.

 

[mountaingoat]

Ive found one of the best ways to break that touch-fear is to be a little teasingly/jokingly pushy and bump into the girl or something. It has to be in a social situation like a get together or a hangout. Or, if you are at one or anothers house, and one of you is going into the kitchen, while the other is leaving, you can do it there. Plus, it asserts a little dominance, confidence, and teases.

It all seems weird at first, but practice makes perfect. I remember when I felt awkward hugging girls years and years ago, but I forced myself to get over that and now its all natural.

I also agree with the previous poster that you sound like you were lingering to long. Unless its a intimate thing like walking in the park or seeing a movie, extended touching is a little weird. Your senses are just as off put as hers might be, so take that as a sign to guide your thinking.