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- Jul 17, 2013
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I've been wondering about this for just over a week, and it's time now to stop wondering and start putting it into writing in the hope that the collective expertise of the more advanced fellows here can set me straight.
Though I had a modest amount of experience (and success) with women in my youth, I still place myself firmly in the "beginner" category in view of the awe-inspiring standards of this site's authors. But over the course of 30+ cold approaches in recent weeks, I have refined my fundamentals - details are surely unnecessary, everyone here knows what I'm talking about - to a degree that I move with greater general confidence among my existing social circle. (That occurrence will be unsurprising to readers who have undertaken the same process.) In this post, the particular aspect of social circle I am referring to is my occupational life... i.e. the people I see on a working day at the office.
So... a few weeks back, while I was minding my own business getting a cup of tea in the kitchen, a young woman who just happened to join our organization at about the time I was getting into the swing of things and putting into practice what I read on this site, and who has been smiling at me in the corridors ever since, found a startlingly obvious way to get near me, bringing in a plate of homemade oatmeal cookies and asking if I'd like one. Now, naturally priding myself in my low body mass index and "athletic" body composition figure, I normally avoid such stuff, but given the circumstances, I accepted with good grace and allowed myself to be briefly diverted into conversation. I do make exceptions occasionally when circumstances warrant it
The girl - let's call her Paula... it's not her name, but if I can be Marty, she can surely be Paula; the name suits her - is an intern in the company where I am a director. She is 15 years my junior: in her early twenties while I'm in my late thirties. About right, to my way of thinking. Anyway, minding my intentionally averted body language and sidelong eye contact, I conspiratorially told Paula (rather elegantly, I thought) that while I wasn't much of a one for chatting in the office (thus cutting a potentially hazardous interaction short), if she'd like to join me for coffee some day, OUTSIDE the office (emphasis as written!), she'd be welcome. She accepted with enthusiasm, I said I'd email her, and I hauled ass. Thus smoothly setting up a date, making it abundantly clear that it was non-professional territory, and nicely making it look like it had been her idea all along.
Now the great beauty of doing stuff with Paula is that I don't have to "disqualify myself as a boyfriend". I can't be anyone's boyfriend, in fact, because I am married. And Paula knows this... not only does she know it, but in her exquisitely refined feminine nosiness and man-shocking peripheral vision, she has seen me at a city event and at a company function with my attractive wife, even though I could swear she never looked in our direction, and she enjoys every opportunity to pointedly remind me of the fact: "Yes, I saw you too, was that your FAMILY with you?" / "Did you go on vacation with your FAMILY? How lovely..." and so forth. All good fun.
At any rate, on the appointed day last week we downed tools at 4 p.m. and met outside as conspiratorially arranged by me, and went to have tea at a local cafe.
Well, dear readers, you'll be proud to hear that I well and truly went to town, as you have every right to expect. Placing my hand on the small of her back about 2 seconds into our interaction, I commanded her to step in a southerly direction and steered her that way to make sure she got the message. Before we'd crossed the first street, I informed her that while she was "obviously very attractive" I knew nothing else about her whatever and she had better start telling me about herself. We sat in that cafe for two hours and I deep dived, invited her to share her dreams, her ambitions, asked her who were the most influential people in her life, what she loved best... I complimented sincerely, I touched, I paused, I held her gaze... in short, a fully executed operation. She even told me she had never had a boyfriend. Can you believe that? The only bit missing was that I damn well should have asked to taste her tea. It was a vanilla Chai or some such girly drink that I've never tried, and most likely never will, so I'd have had the perfect excuse. And I couldn't ask her to come sit next to me, because I screwed up the locking-in upon arrival. Need to work on compliance big-time.
Well, in amongst all this deep-diving lark, she shared a shocking fact with me. Shocking, that is, given the context that I had been implying all along, with very little subtlety, that my intentions were to do unspeakable things with her. Discussing her plans for postgraduate study, she mentioned that she wanted to attend a seminary, to research the potential for impact of Christian Scripture on people who seek to put their lives in order. I kid you not.
Well, of course, you have to try to be relatable and enable her to identify and whatnot. So, even though I'm quite comfortable in my sunny, carefree atheism, I echoed her views to an extent, avoiding insincere spiritual or supernatural language, saying that we can always learn from the ancients, human nature doesn't change, many problems have been addressed more or less satisfactorily by our ancestors, etc.
I decided it was time to move her. I asked her to accompany me for a walk in the park opposite, to which she readily agreed. This I saw as a good compliance indicator, as she had previously stated her intention to get home early and finish a thesis paper. As we walked, I raised the question of why she had not had a boyfriend: did the guys simply not measure up? I felt it was important to broach relationship issues. She said she hadn't felt ready for it. I invited her to sit with me on a bench, and as we sat in the setting sun, I asked whether the religious views she had expressed earlier indicated a conservative stance toward the issue of relations between men and women. All I can say from her body language is that she seemed to be expecting a question of this sort.
She began reeling off a string of feminine-sounding concerns regarding commitment, values, sharing etc. etc. and I decided it was time, gently but firmly, to get her onto more productive territory. I asked her about more informal relations, developing a feel for one's preferences, skills etc. She seemed non-committal.
I had figured a possible line of approach: "Ever kissed a guy?", followed by "Want to try?" and well and truly invading her personal space. But first, I wanted to get a read on the picture so far. I asked, "Do you like talking with me?"
Well, I was unprepared for the response. She answered: "Yes, you're a good friend."
I know, I should have kept my cool. But frankly I was thrown into confusion by the contradiction between what she had said and the opposing indicators from her body language and repeated compliance. Not to mention the Scripture stuff thrown into the mix. I responded too quickly, reflexively: "A friend? That's all?" To which she replied an emphatic "Yes". Perhaps through gritted teeth, I was too shocked to be able to tell.
I figured it was over. I wasn't at all confident I could recover or push through, and I didn't really want any employment-related blowback from being too persistent (and failing) although I doubt that would have really been an issue. I walked her back to the parking garage, making neutral conversation; on parting I kissed her on the cheek and thanked her for her honesty. She looked a little taken aback, but I was unable to read the situation.
What is your opinion, fellow bloggers? Should I have persisted, or did I make the right call to bail out and save embarrassment?
Though I had a modest amount of experience (and success) with women in my youth, I still place myself firmly in the "beginner" category in view of the awe-inspiring standards of this site's authors. But over the course of 30+ cold approaches in recent weeks, I have refined my fundamentals - details are surely unnecessary, everyone here knows what I'm talking about - to a degree that I move with greater general confidence among my existing social circle. (That occurrence will be unsurprising to readers who have undertaken the same process.) In this post, the particular aspect of social circle I am referring to is my occupational life... i.e. the people I see on a working day at the office.
So... a few weeks back, while I was minding my own business getting a cup of tea in the kitchen, a young woman who just happened to join our organization at about the time I was getting into the swing of things and putting into practice what I read on this site, and who has been smiling at me in the corridors ever since, found a startlingly obvious way to get near me, bringing in a plate of homemade oatmeal cookies and asking if I'd like one. Now, naturally priding myself in my low body mass index and "athletic" body composition figure, I normally avoid such stuff, but given the circumstances, I accepted with good grace and allowed myself to be briefly diverted into conversation. I do make exceptions occasionally when circumstances warrant it
The girl - let's call her Paula... it's not her name, but if I can be Marty, she can surely be Paula; the name suits her - is an intern in the company where I am a director. She is 15 years my junior: in her early twenties while I'm in my late thirties. About right, to my way of thinking. Anyway, minding my intentionally averted body language and sidelong eye contact, I conspiratorially told Paula (rather elegantly, I thought) that while I wasn't much of a one for chatting in the office (thus cutting a potentially hazardous interaction short), if she'd like to join me for coffee some day, OUTSIDE the office (emphasis as written!), she'd be welcome. She accepted with enthusiasm, I said I'd email her, and I hauled ass. Thus smoothly setting up a date, making it abundantly clear that it was non-professional territory, and nicely making it look like it had been her idea all along.
Now the great beauty of doing stuff with Paula is that I don't have to "disqualify myself as a boyfriend". I can't be anyone's boyfriend, in fact, because I am married. And Paula knows this... not only does she know it, but in her exquisitely refined feminine nosiness and man-shocking peripheral vision, she has seen me at a city event and at a company function with my attractive wife, even though I could swear she never looked in our direction, and she enjoys every opportunity to pointedly remind me of the fact: "Yes, I saw you too, was that your FAMILY with you?" / "Did you go on vacation with your FAMILY? How lovely..." and so forth. All good fun.
At any rate, on the appointed day last week we downed tools at 4 p.m. and met outside as conspiratorially arranged by me, and went to have tea at a local cafe.
Well, dear readers, you'll be proud to hear that I well and truly went to town, as you have every right to expect. Placing my hand on the small of her back about 2 seconds into our interaction, I commanded her to step in a southerly direction and steered her that way to make sure she got the message. Before we'd crossed the first street, I informed her that while she was "obviously very attractive" I knew nothing else about her whatever and she had better start telling me about herself. We sat in that cafe for two hours and I deep dived, invited her to share her dreams, her ambitions, asked her who were the most influential people in her life, what she loved best... I complimented sincerely, I touched, I paused, I held her gaze... in short, a fully executed operation. She even told me she had never had a boyfriend. Can you believe that? The only bit missing was that I damn well should have asked to taste her tea. It was a vanilla Chai or some such girly drink that I've never tried, and most likely never will, so I'd have had the perfect excuse. And I couldn't ask her to come sit next to me, because I screwed up the locking-in upon arrival. Need to work on compliance big-time.
Well, in amongst all this deep-diving lark, she shared a shocking fact with me. Shocking, that is, given the context that I had been implying all along, with very little subtlety, that my intentions were to do unspeakable things with her. Discussing her plans for postgraduate study, she mentioned that she wanted to attend a seminary, to research the potential for impact of Christian Scripture on people who seek to put their lives in order. I kid you not.
Well, of course, you have to try to be relatable and enable her to identify and whatnot. So, even though I'm quite comfortable in my sunny, carefree atheism, I echoed her views to an extent, avoiding insincere spiritual or supernatural language, saying that we can always learn from the ancients, human nature doesn't change, many problems have been addressed more or less satisfactorily by our ancestors, etc.
I decided it was time to move her. I asked her to accompany me for a walk in the park opposite, to which she readily agreed. This I saw as a good compliance indicator, as she had previously stated her intention to get home early and finish a thesis paper. As we walked, I raised the question of why she had not had a boyfriend: did the guys simply not measure up? I felt it was important to broach relationship issues. She said she hadn't felt ready for it. I invited her to sit with me on a bench, and as we sat in the setting sun, I asked whether the religious views she had expressed earlier indicated a conservative stance toward the issue of relations between men and women. All I can say from her body language is that she seemed to be expecting a question of this sort.
She began reeling off a string of feminine-sounding concerns regarding commitment, values, sharing etc. etc. and I decided it was time, gently but firmly, to get her onto more productive territory. I asked her about more informal relations, developing a feel for one's preferences, skills etc. She seemed non-committal.
I had figured a possible line of approach: "Ever kissed a guy?", followed by "Want to try?" and well and truly invading her personal space. But first, I wanted to get a read on the picture so far. I asked, "Do you like talking with me?"
Well, I was unprepared for the response. She answered: "Yes, you're a good friend."
I know, I should have kept my cool. But frankly I was thrown into confusion by the contradiction between what she had said and the opposing indicators from her body language and repeated compliance. Not to mention the Scripture stuff thrown into the mix. I responded too quickly, reflexively: "A friend? That's all?" To which she replied an emphatic "Yes". Perhaps through gritted teeth, I was too shocked to be able to tell.
I figured it was over. I wasn't at all confident I could recover or push through, and I didn't really want any employment-related blowback from being too persistent (and failing) although I doubt that would have really been an issue. I walked her back to the parking garage, making neutral conversation; on parting I kissed her on the cheek and thanked her for her honesty. She looked a little taken aback, but I was unable to read the situation.
What is your opinion, fellow bloggers? Should I have persisted, or did I make the right call to bail out and save embarrassment?
