- Joined
- Oct 13, 2014
- Messages
- 31
I'm cringing just reading back to myself, let alone post, but I think its better that I document this. Without further ado - my first FR. One painful, big-time FU to go.
8th December, 02:59 (Monday)
Theresa
First contact, first meet
I first met Theresa a couple months ago when she came with Kay (flatmate) to a pub quiz. Witty, intense, and absolutely smouldering eyes and energy, as well as a seemingly never-ending supply of crazy experiences and stories - I was VERY intrigued. We bonded a little over the fact we both come from the same hometown (remarkable as we’re in another country entirely now), but I was apathetic about her contact details (thinking back - I was feeling like I wasn't in her league. A bad excuse to not act.) – I did manage to get a facebook, and we talked a little. Each time, it was friendly, brief and inconsequential, but then we met again when she joined a flat mate and me for a night out at the clubs – the way she moved her hips? I’ve never seen that outside of porn.
I learned she’d just broken up with her boyfriend; this time, I didn't wait, and I’d seen her for coffee some days after, which seemed to go well – I learned about her interests and goals (not difficult – she’s a rapid-fire personality who never seems content to stay in one place, so just listening to her stories was interesting and easy to qualify). She talked about her roommate photographer who was using her as a model. I told her I thought that was cool, and teased her a little. When we hugged goodbye and left, I thought it at least hadn't been a disaster. I texted her to set up another meet.
Cool. So I'll see her next week.
...a few days later, my flat mate (and her friend) Kayleigh revealed that she’d found a friend with benefits and that trip to Germany was an impulsive weekend trip with him.
Oops.
We talked, I asked, it sounded serious-ish - I wasn't quite sure how to proceed, so I stopped myself from making much more contact. But when she’d asked to meet for coffee, I decided she was high-value enough for me to be totally worth the time, even as a friend. Socializing at all still takes effort, so I figured that even this could be useful. Thinking back, I'm conflicted whether this is wise for developing my mindset around women I find attractive.
What should have been the end of the story...
With that decided, I returned her messages, and we’d met a few more times – fun, open, well-vibed conversations, nothing more. I maintained deep dives, trying to focus on getting her to tell me about herself (things like; we shared experiences about living with divorced households, craziest travel experiences, plans for the future, introvert and extrovert ideals and how they affect social culture) while I tried to use these conversations for practicing strong eye-contact, calm body language and a sexier voice (with a focus on slow and warm). In hindsight, I can see I had possible IOI’s - she was very quick to agree and qualify things I said during conversation, talked about herself openly (often turning the questions right back on me). If I maintained eye contact, she was the first to break, always looking down or to the side. I never expected anything to come from this, especially as she'd run off with some dude and she was soon to leave for another university. I was expecting this interaction to either become a friendship, or just peter out into the ether of nothing ever happening.
...then Saturday happened.
The day started off terribly – I hadn’t slept well the night before (exams, insomnia and poor time habits), and when I woke at one in the afternoon, decided that I would simply let the day slip by. As a result, I ended up in bed, watching tv and not eating for the next few hours. It wasn’t until at least 3 or 4 in the afternoon that I got cleaned up and put myself into the shower. The rest of the day was spent much the same way, inundating myself with internet and tv between catching up on some work.
Evening rolls around – my state is terrible. I feel weak, unsociable, tired. I’m irritable too – my dry spell isn’t going to cure itself I know, but I’m doing little to change that. Felt guilty and unhappy. I hear voices down the hall, in the kitchen. By the time I decide to go make dinner, I hear them leaving. A rapid knock on my door.
I open it. “Oh! He IS here!” Kay’s friendly, speckled face appears above me (did I mention she's tall?). “Hey! We were about to go downstairs to play pool. Want to join?”
Another face pops sideways around the corner. “Hi!”
The new voice is Theresa. Right, I remember now– she and Kay were headed for a pub crawl with a group of internationals tonight.
I was tired, nowhere near my best, and still hadn’t eaten, so I declined their offer, waved to Theresa, and went into the kitchen where I had some dinner and caught up with a few flatmates who I havn’t seen in a while – exam season can be rough.
To cut a long story short – they get a little tipsy with my other flatmates, then come back up as I finish dinner. This is where things get interesting.
Oh. Ok, that’s a sign of interest if I ever heard one. I’m trying to shake myself out of my crappy state and try to pump myself up.
Night goes on. Drinks are had, I try to stay in the background a little and play it cool, as my state is still a little down – but I’m feeling better, and as we start the drinking-games portion of the night, I tease Theresa a little bit.
The fuckup(s)
As the night progresses, fuckup number one: I get waaay drunker than I intend (40% whiskey - do not recommend) – the upside? Tessa and I take our shirts off (so does everyone else). She grabs a marker, and we start writing on each others bodies. Even to an idiot like me, its clear that it is ON – but, something in my state stops me from taking massive action, and instead, I end up just teasing it out. Sure, I escalate touch, and she respond well (hand on hand, she squeezes. Hand on knee, she reciprocates. Lingering touch, she pushes into me)– especially as its under the table, and no one is aware.
Enter fuckup number two (and in a way, the only important one): at this point, I should have simply stood, taken her hand and walked her the 10 meters to my room where I'm guessing I would have had little resistance.
Instead? I just drank more. Christ on a cracker. Fuckup number 3. Three strikes. Aaaaand you're out.
I don’t know what I was expecting when she eventually announced she ought to leave, and called her friend with benefits to come pick her up.
Heard later on that me and another flatmate were making absolute fools of ourselves trying to get her to stay. It must have been pretty ugly.
Yep.
Notes:
But hey, bright side. Like I said in the title - this is pretty close to the bottom - if I can start taking action, things can only go up!
8th December, 02:59 (Monday)
Theresa
First contact, first meet
I first met Theresa a couple months ago when she came with Kay (flatmate) to a pub quiz. Witty, intense, and absolutely smouldering eyes and energy, as well as a seemingly never-ending supply of crazy experiences and stories - I was VERY intrigued. We bonded a little over the fact we both come from the same hometown (remarkable as we’re in another country entirely now), but I was apathetic about her contact details (thinking back - I was feeling like I wasn't in her league. A bad excuse to not act.) – I did manage to get a facebook, and we talked a little. Each time, it was friendly, brief and inconsequential, but then we met again when she joined a flat mate and me for a night out at the clubs – the way she moved her hips? I’ve never seen that outside of porn.
I learned she’d just broken up with her boyfriend; this time, I didn't wait, and I’d seen her for coffee some days after, which seemed to go well – I learned about her interests and goals (not difficult – she’s a rapid-fire personality who never seems content to stay in one place, so just listening to her stories was interesting and easy to qualify). She talked about her roommate photographer who was using her as a model. I told her I thought that was cool, and teased her a little. When we hugged goodbye and left, I thought it at least hadn't been a disaster. I texted her to set up another meet.
Cool. So I'll see her next week.
...a few days later, my flat mate (and her friend) Kayleigh revealed that she’d found a friend with benefits and that trip to Germany was an impulsive weekend trip with him.
Oops.
We talked, I asked, it sounded serious-ish - I wasn't quite sure how to proceed, so I stopped myself from making much more contact. But when she’d asked to meet for coffee, I decided she was high-value enough for me to be totally worth the time, even as a friend. Socializing at all still takes effort, so I figured that even this could be useful. Thinking back, I'm conflicted whether this is wise for developing my mindset around women I find attractive.
What should have been the end of the story...
With that decided, I returned her messages, and we’d met a few more times – fun, open, well-vibed conversations, nothing more. I maintained deep dives, trying to focus on getting her to tell me about herself (things like; we shared experiences about living with divorced households, craziest travel experiences, plans for the future, introvert and extrovert ideals and how they affect social culture) while I tried to use these conversations for practicing strong eye-contact, calm body language and a sexier voice (with a focus on slow and warm). In hindsight, I can see I had possible IOI’s - she was very quick to agree and qualify things I said during conversation, talked about herself openly (often turning the questions right back on me). If I maintained eye contact, she was the first to break, always looking down or to the side. I never expected anything to come from this, especially as she'd run off with some dude and she was soon to leave for another university. I was expecting this interaction to either become a friendship, or just peter out into the ether of nothing ever happening.
...then Saturday happened.
The day started off terribly – I hadn’t slept well the night before (exams, insomnia and poor time habits), and when I woke at one in the afternoon, decided that I would simply let the day slip by. As a result, I ended up in bed, watching tv and not eating for the next few hours. It wasn’t until at least 3 or 4 in the afternoon that I got cleaned up and put myself into the shower. The rest of the day was spent much the same way, inundating myself with internet and tv between catching up on some work.
Evening rolls around – my state is terrible. I feel weak, unsociable, tired. I’m irritable too – my dry spell isn’t going to cure itself I know, but I’m doing little to change that. Felt guilty and unhappy. I hear voices down the hall, in the kitchen. By the time I decide to go make dinner, I hear them leaving. A rapid knock on my door.
I open it. “Oh! He IS here!” Kay’s friendly, speckled face appears above me (did I mention she's tall?). “Hey! We were about to go downstairs to play pool. Want to join?”
Another face pops sideways around the corner. “Hi!”
The new voice is Theresa. Right, I remember now– she and Kay were headed for a pub crawl with a group of internationals tonight.
I was tired, nowhere near my best, and still hadn’t eaten, so I declined their offer, waved to Theresa, and went into the kitchen where I had some dinner and caught up with a few flatmates who I havn’t seen in a while – exam season can be rough.
To cut a long story short – they get a little tipsy with my other flatmates, then come back up as I finish dinner. This is where things get interesting.
Oh. Ok, that’s a sign of interest if I ever heard one. I’m trying to shake myself out of my crappy state and try to pump myself up.
Night goes on. Drinks are had, I try to stay in the background a little and play it cool, as my state is still a little down – but I’m feeling better, and as we start the drinking-games portion of the night, I tease Theresa a little bit.
The fuckup(s)
As the night progresses, fuckup number one: I get waaay drunker than I intend (40% whiskey - do not recommend) – the upside? Tessa and I take our shirts off (so does everyone else). She grabs a marker, and we start writing on each others bodies. Even to an idiot like me, its clear that it is ON – but, something in my state stops me from taking massive action, and instead, I end up just teasing it out. Sure, I escalate touch, and she respond well (hand on hand, she squeezes. Hand on knee, she reciprocates. Lingering touch, she pushes into me)– especially as its under the table, and no one is aware.
Enter fuckup number two (and in a way, the only important one): at this point, I should have simply stood, taken her hand and walked her the 10 meters to my room where I'm guessing I would have had little resistance.
Instead? I just drank more. Christ on a cracker. Fuckup number 3. Three strikes. Aaaaand you're out.
I don’t know what I was expecting when she eventually announced she ought to leave, and called her friend with benefits to come pick her up.
Heard later on that me and another flatmate were making absolute fools of ourselves trying to get her to stay. It must have been pretty ugly.
Yep.
Notes:
- 1. Taking action requires a lot more conscious awareness on my part. As soon as I realized her interest, I should have jumped into high alert.
2. Cut down on the drink. Seriously. I need to set a limit for the night. This is the easiest one - I don't particularly enjoy alcohol, but get carried away when I'm drinking with friends.
3. I also need to learn to grab my balls. The girl was ready to move with me, but I chickened out over my flatmates, and also the fact that I didn’t really know what I was doing – next time, I need to learn to not care about being overt (especially when she doesn’t care), and focus on the prize – which could have been a night with a cool, sexually liberated girl. Would definitely have flattened the learning curve.
4. STATE. STATE. STATE. Also – holy crap, state. My instincts are bad enough that I think I need some help working through my state – my hesitation in the face of the obvious is becoming a little too consistent to just be a lack of balls (though it is certainly that too - but I've had moments lately where I've been paralyzed, and it definitely wasn't just approach anxiety. One for the counselor). Then I need to focus on developing powerful, healthier habits so I don’t have to worry about my state being THAT bad. Like, ever again.
5. Yeah, so this seduction thing is going to be a looong haul.
But hey, bright side. Like I said in the title - this is pretty close to the bottom - if I can start taking action, things can only go up!
