Discreet or direct?

[Rakkum]

Guys, give me your thoughts on this one, pleawe. Was my judgement off on this one or did I play it right?

This morning I was working from my neighborhood café. It's been a long since last seeing her there but a chick was there
who had been eyeing me when I used to go there earlier but got a bit colder later on (closed escalation window?)

I haven't made any moves on her there because a) sometimes I'm a plain old pussy b) I've already approached 2 or 3 guns working
in that particular café one of whom turned out being a bit younger than socially acceptable for my shenangians.

It's my paranoid imagination or I'm really picking some salty vibes from their manager

Be as its but today I was flirting and joking with her just for fun, because I was in that state of mind, not really intent on grabbing numbers or "making approaches".

As I was just stepping out to leave, she happened walk by and I said "hasta luego" (It's not Spain here, nor Mexico, etc etc.)

Athlete: What?
Me: HASTA LUEGO
Her: What's that?
Me: It's Spanish, back to school you now!
Us: Bla bla bla..

We speak for about half a minute, I get a some investment and she qualifies herself a bit for me as she's telling me her some things about herself and I bust her chops a bit.

Me: Well, that's interesting, we should talk more about it!
Her: Yes
Me: Uh, got a phone or something?
Her: Mm sure
Me: Cool, go get a pen

Now is the critical part of the whole interaction.

When we were talking, none of her colleagues where within our line of sight. She goes back to the counter to get pen and paper.
I take a step closer and notice that one of her colleagues is behind the counter as well.

My gut feeling was to take a step back and stay there and let her walk back to me and hand me her number to me.

Discretion! Less pressure on her, better social frame. Or so I thought.

I stay out of sight of her colleague and give her a chance to casually walk back to me and hand me her number.

Well, that's not what happened! She scribbled down her number and just puttered there behind the counter.

Me thinking: Come on girl, what the F are doing now? I waited a few more seconds, feeling the situation getting awkward.

She took a few steps closer to her colleague and they exchanged a few words. Hmm.. no bueno! Then she gestured handing over the number over the counter in an awkward way so I went and took it. Said something that related back what we spoke of earlier but it wasn't really smooth nor did it dissolve the awkward tension.

I took the number, forced as natural of a smile as possible and walked away.

What do you guys think, should I have handled this differently? Would it have been better to walk straight up slap my big ass cojones on the counter and force the frame of me getting her number and us getting together later as normal as milk on cereal?

- Rakkum

 

[ulrich]

It would probably be a good idea to actually go with her and lead the interaction so you don’t have this big gap of time where she is away from you and in danger of being distracted by someone/something else.

However, I don’t really think that’s the biggest problem here.
It seems you’ve been building a reputation in that café as a guy who hits on the staff and that can make you be perceived as creepy.

It’s good that you’re trying to be discreet, that means that you have already internalized that this situation calls for more of a “social circle” approach… but at the same time you are asking for her phone one and a half minutes into the conversation… that’s pretty direct.

I think the lesson here is that you already squeezed what you can from this venue (at least from the staff) and started to build a negative reputation.
I would either change your regular venue or stop hitting on the guns here for a time.

And for this specific girl, use her phone and try to get a date and take her somewhere away from her workplace.
Avoid the place until you find out if she is game or not.
And if you need to go there and bump into her, be charming but not overly flirty. Discretion is key in this scenario.

 

[Fuck This]

Discretion in public. Direct in private. Show her you won't embarrass her infront of her friends and colleagues.

 

[Rakkum]

Discretion in public. Direct in private. Show her you won't embarrass her infront of her friends and colleagues.

Yes, that what I was thinking but she ghosted me over text so I'm trying to figure out what was the misstep here.

It seems you’ve been building a reputation in that café as a guy who hits on the staff and that can make you be perceived as creepy.

This could be the case but I don't think that's the case - it's kind of the go-to diagnosis here for beginners here. I've been working in female-majority collectives for years, I think my tact and social awareness is at least average.

Avoid the place until you find out if she is game or not.

Completely agree with that -- better not to create any potential social frame problems by going there.

And if you need to go there and bump into her, be charming but not overly flirty. Discretion is key in this scenario.

Now, to contradict what I just agreed with but this is exactly how I managed to bed a pretty hot girl working at a cafe by going there every now and then (not to see her, rather, work on my stuff) persisting over text for more than what I think was half a year. What worked for me then, was that I was working in another country so I was in town just every now and then and didn't text her too often nor showed up too often or at predictable times either


Thanks guys for your input,

Rakkum

 

[johndoe]

My gut feeling was to take a step back and stay there and let her walk back to me and hand me her number to me.

Discretion! Less pressure on her, better social frame. Or so I thought.

You made her look bad by asking for more compliance without offering any investment in return, when she was already complying with you. It's like if you go up to a salesman and tell him you want to buy his product, and he tells you to go to the counter and grab his receipt book for him so he can process the transaction.

Generally, you'll want to reward compliance with more investment on your end, so that you make her feel like you and her are on the same team. The deeper you can make her feel that, the more likely she will respond warmly when you contact her after.