A
Anonymous
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So, here's my story. I live in Canada, in the Yukon (way North), I'm 18 years old and currently completing grade 12, I want to be an Airline Pilot and still working on the best way to get there. just a background. And "the girl", for privacy purposes let's not say names, so she is also 18 although about 8 months older than me. She is in Vancouver and just moved into residence at a University which shall remain nameless doing a Communications degree. I met her at a week long youth forum thing in Ottawa and we have known each other about 5 months now. When I was in Ottawa I honestly never really thought of her as a relationship interest at all, I was actually just out of a bit of an obsession with a different girl and just coming to the end of my healing stage. When we parted ways back in march i didn't really expect to talk with her or anybody I had met for very long. She messaged me first I think, just asking how my flight was. Stuff progressed, we began talking every single day. As I became interested in her I began kind of testing to see if she really wanted to talk by just not messaging and seeing if she would prompt, she did, every time. I remember in April I asked her to come up this coming year and be my grad date and she actually liked the idea! We talked about it for a long while! We started looking at times when I could come see her and decided eventually that i would go last week from the 18th to the 24th. My plan was to go over to Vancouver island for a couple days and enjoy some time there with Family, come back over and hang in Vancouver for a few days and then go see Ed sheeran with her on the night of the 23rd. But, as we talked, she suggested I come with her to her place and meet her parents and her brother and her friends etc. I have another friend down there so he was part of that plan too. Things progressed and eventually I asked her if she'd like to come with me to Vancouver Island for the couple days and she said yes! she said she'd love too. We kept making plans and talking and whatever for quite a while, a month or so. I would say maybe July 20 things started to either go down hill or just not progress. She became very nervous about our visit, we started face timing, which was good i guess. She sometimes stopped saying Goodnight, little shit like that. She was always a little timid when it came to me complimenting her or flirting very aggressively. One time I took a snapchat of my ipod screen playing "the only exception" on it with a heart and she didn't respond at all. But overall,stuff didn't break down completely. I started asking her about her dating life and her previous relationships and it turns out she's dated 3 guys. I'm positive she told me she was a virgin but truth be told she slept with 2 of them which really bothers me for some reason (more on that later). She told me she wasn't looking for a relationship but if the right guy came around she might consider it again. I didn't realize how emotionally screwed up she was until we met in person and talked. Anyways, I flew down on the 18th, I was nervous, it was almost surreal, I felt like things were getting serious before they even started you know? Anyways, we hugged in a bear type fashion, no awkward one arms hahaha. Her aunt was driving us to the ferry and she was very bubbly and happy to meet me whatever, she kept conversation flowing like no other. When she left us at the terminal we went and bought tickets, I bought them both and i noticed before that she did reach into her purse to grab money but she just told me after that she wanted to pay the way back. Then we went to Starbucks and she insisted on paying for herself so I let her whatever. The thing was, stuff wasn't awkward AT ALL. Everything felt totally comfortable to me anyways. I instantly felt comfortable talking or just having silence, it was great! We got on the boat and we read for a little bit and sometimes we would talk to each other about our books and what not. We got into where we were going and took the Taxi to my aunt's where we were staying for the 2 nights and proceeded to go out along the waterfront and walk downtown. We didn't hold hands or anything quite then but we just talked about normal shit and everything was fine. We went and had dinner at some "New York" style restaurant which I did end up paying for (thank god). But the point is, stuff was great, we were enjoying ourselves and it was great. We got back to the Aunt's house and watched "The Butterfly Effect". About 15 minutes in I made my move and put my arm around her which she replied to with an "Oh my God haha" basically but she just kind of took it. She was stiff though,and I was a bit stiff as well. Anyways, the Aunt came home and we paused the movie and the arm around her thing and talked with my aunt about plans and shit. Anyways, she went to bed and we decided to finsh the movie, at that point she snuggled up close to me and I put my arm around her right away and she leaned her head in and placed her and hand on my chest, she wasn't tense anymore, it was great. We finished to movie and I followed her to her room where we both lied down and read for a bit and she seemed completely OK with it. After about an hour we decided it was time for sleep and so I said goodnight and turned her light off, whatever. I didn't sleep great that night, my mind was on her all night and what I should have done or whatever. I had myself convinced that I should have reached for her hand when we were walking and I should have gone in for the kiss at some point. Oh! and before I went down we kind of briefly talked about SLEEPING together, not sex, just sleep, and she seemed ok with the idea. Anyways, that next day we got up and got on the bus to a mall to grab some sandals for me and she bought some socks. After that we went to lunch with my great grandma which I thought went fine. And here's where it starts to get depressing and die, with some lightning bolts in between the dark. On the way back on the bus I put my arm around her a couple ways, over the top, around the side, hand on her thigh etc. And every time she was tense, she didn't say anything she just kind of sat there and I should have realized it and stopped right there but I didn't. Anyways, we eventually got back to the Aunt's house and sat down after a long day, she went to her room to change and when she came out she told me she should probably make something clear right then, she wasn't looking for a relationship. How was I supposed to respond to that. After spending MONTHS getting to know this girl and spending hundreds of hours and dollars investing in our relationship, after spending sleepless nights worrying about her and worrying i'd said something I shouldn't have. Was I supposed to just say "OK" and move on? Well, I didn't, I asked her if the last 5 months had just meant absolutely nothing and if she ever even liked me. She said that she did like me a lot! But she has this problem where sometimes she feels like she wants a realtionship with me and she just generally wants to keep things going and other times she wants nothing to do with me. I told her that I really liked her a lot and that I wanted her to give us a chance and to not give up and she sort of half heartily agreed. We talked about her past relationships and about her not being a virgin and about what was making her uncomfortable and what was making her comfortable. Turns out, the times when she was stiff, she was uncomfortable, I asked her 1-10 and she said like a 2. She said that when my grandma said "You'll be back soon, especially if she wants to see you again!" she was uncomfortable because she knew she didn't want a relationship, anyways we talked for a good long while and eventually agreed that we would just have fun and continue doing what we were doing for then. She said she wanted to nap and told me I could come if i wanted, I jumped on that and we napped/cuddled for a couple of hours, it was great. I got to the point of her being ok with me kissing her on the cheek, which was a step in the right direction. One time she exclaimed that I was "Hella Hard", which I was of course but still, sounds good right? Anyways, my Aunt came home and she took us out to eat at some mexican place and it was good and all whatever. We went back and I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie or something but it was already a little late and she just said she'd rather sleep, and I didn't sleep with her that night.... I should have asked, because in the morning she asked if I wanted to come sleep with her for a couple hours and I did and it was amazing and all. Anyways, that morning we walked along a beach, still no holding hands and went and sat by my great grandfather's old beachouse, we talked mostly about everyday stuff and a bit about her old relationships which was stupiddddd, I should never have brought it up. Anyways, we went back on the Ferry and we were both quite tired so we napped in the seats and for the first time, she reached for my hand and i told her i'd been waiting for that the whole time 
anyways, that was good. When we got to the Ferry terminal, her friend picked us up and drove us all the way back to her place, about 3/4 of the way back we stopped to pick up the friends sister, so I moved to the back with "her" and we were good, she told me she was like "an 8 or a 9", which made me very happy We got to the friends place and skipping all the in between stuff we basically got a bit drunk and slept together but it was PLANNED. and when I say slept together I don't mean sex. We never had sex. Anyways, that was fine and dandy, we got up that morning and everything was just good and relaxed, i estimate she was about a 5 but I didn't ask. Anyways, I went with my other friend that morning and we talked about her and how she had her issues and I bounced stuff off him and he agreed that I was doing the right things but she just was all over the place. Anyways, at like 10 am maybe I went over to "her" house and showered and than laid with her for an hour or so, it started off normal, and than I was kissing her cheek and her neck and her collarbone and she LIKED it, she wanted that and that was good. I asked her why she didn't want to kiss me on the lips and she said that she was afraid she was going to hurt me. I told her it was too late for that, if i was going to bot get hurt we would have had to of ended it LONG ago. Anyways, she agreed and next thing you know we were kissing and it was the most amazing feeling ever, I have only ever kissed 2 other girls in my lifetime but this was special, I felt like it filled the gap, how very wrong I was. After that, she became distant, she did, that whole day she was not feeling comfortable and it wasn't good and that really upset me. That night, I talked to my mom about everything and realized how shitty my situation really was, she was extremely worried about me. I managed to hold it together that night and I don't really know how. Anyways, that morning I asked her if she wanted me to come over before we left at 11 and she said "whatever you want!". So of course, I was thinking, she just needed a good nights sleep, everythings ok now. So I went over, and NOTHING happened and I expected somehting to!! Is that wrong?! I don't know, every chance I had to get her closer to me she turned it down and it just wasn't so great. Oh, one small interjection, that last night, after we had dinner, we did have a small moment. We were watching a movie with other people and we had a blanket over us and she held my hand for the movie and stuff like that, but all of a sudden, I went to get some water and I sat back down and she wanted nothing to do with me! She moved away from me and soon, I was the only one left under the Blanket! Anyways, back to the next morning, she just didn't TRY, and that hurt, it did. Anyways, we drove to Vancouver that morning/ Afternoon and the after we got out of the car with Brandon, we got on the SkyTrain and went downtown to where our Hostel was. When we got off the train she instantly reached for my hand which i was soooooo happy about. We checked into the Hostel and sat for a while. the beds were bunk beds and there was 2 other people staying with us, anyways, we went out for coffee and at this point i was paying for everything which I liked because she was short for money and she is in Uni so I didn't mind. We did coffee and then just walked around downtown checking out various shops. That afternoon was really great, i felt like the girl that I wanted to be with and the girl that I knew was back and it was very humbling. But then, we went and saw a movie, I payed and all but she didn't want me to put her arm around her and stuff. Eventually she held my hand which was a relief. We went back to the room and got into bed and I slept with her that night, sometimes, she was tense but other times she was all over me, kissing me and holding me and whatever. It was really confusing. At about probs 2 in the morning I woke up tangled in her limbs and asked her how she was doing and she told me she thought she had reached her touch threshold, so I backed off. But than an hour later, we woke up again and I asked her how she was doing and she said "Really Good" and started kissing me and stuff and of course I gladly went along with it. Anyways, we finished that night and she said she didn't sleep all that well and even hinted that she wanted to sleep seperately for our last night, which whatever, not a big deal. Anyways, we had a good day overall that day and we went and saw Ed sheeran that night, but even then, sometimes, i would pull her close and kiss her on the head and she would lay her head down and be comfortable while the next time she would pull away. Overall, it was a great night for us though, we held hands almost the entire time and it was active (squeezing, rubbing of fingers, stuff like that). We got back that night and I was already feeling down because I knew it was our last night together and that upset me. Anyways, she confirmed my suspicion and said she was moving to the top bunk that night which I was OK with although I did miss her in my arms. We kissed goodnight and whatever. Woke up the next morning and not much to say, i tried for one last morning cuddle session by simply laying on her bed but that didn't work. We left for the airport and we went and had our last meal together. I asked her the day before if she wanted to see me again and she said "I think so yah". Which, better then No. I told her it might have been a mistake and she exclaimed "Coming down?!?" to which I replied "No! but for 6 days, maybe" and she agreed that it was a bit of a long and turbulent first date. Anyways, I told her I was going to miss the hell out of her and I think she said "Me too" but it may have been more of a "Yeahhh". Anyways, we walked down to security and we kissed goodbye, that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, kissing her goodbye knowing there was a good chance it would be the last time. Anyways, I tried to hold my emotions in the security line and I messaged her asking her to "Not give up on me" which with she replied "I won't". When i got back she had messaged me telling me she missed me already and all that which I thought was really good. But in the past few days (which is all it has been), she HAS become distant. I asked her if we could call it what it is and I told her I wanted to be able to call her my girlfriend and "show her off" and she told me again she just wasn't ready to Commit. So, I have been trying to deal with my hurt, my pain, by writing poems and such, i have tried getting her off my mind but nothing works. I am OK until something reminds me of a good memory with her and then I'm fucked again. I don't know what to do, we have something, there is something there, she isn't that girl who I chase forever but never ACT because I have!!! I have acted and she's responded some bad and some good.... I don't know if I should go see her during her february reading week or if she even would want me to?? I am willing to work on a LDR, I understand that they very rarely work out but I am willing to try!! I feel like I am putting a lot more into us than her. Should I just be there for her and nurture the friendship? Should I cut her out of my life completely and get back on the healing train? I don't even understand. She made it clear that she has feelings for me but is it just that she isn't ready for commitment quite yet? I asked her if it was because she didn't want to be tied down and she said "No, I just don't want the Pressure, Responsibility during my first term". what the hell do I do. If you have made it this far, I owe you a case of beer. I am very sorry for the length of this post but i HAD to get this out. If this forum was not the place to post this, I understand. Thank's for the help.
anyways, that was good. When we got to the Ferry terminal, her friend picked us up and drove us all the way back to her place, about 3/4 of the way back we stopped to pick up the friends sister, so I moved to the back with "her" and we were good, she told me she was like "an 8 or a 9", which made me very happy We got to the friends place and skipping all the in between stuff we basically got a bit drunk and slept together but it was PLANNED. and when I say slept together I don't mean sex. We never had sex. Anyways, that was fine and dandy, we got up that morning and everything was just good and relaxed, i estimate she was about a 5 but I didn't ask. Anyways, I went with my other friend that morning and we talked about her and how she had her issues and I bounced stuff off him and he agreed that I was doing the right things but she just was all over the place. Anyways, at like 10 am maybe I went over to "her" house and showered and than laid with her for an hour or so, it started off normal, and than I was kissing her cheek and her neck and her collarbone and she LIKED it, she wanted that and that was good. I asked her why she didn't want to kiss me on the lips and she said that she was afraid she was going to hurt me. I told her it was too late for that, if i was going to bot get hurt we would have had to of ended it LONG ago. Anyways, she agreed and next thing you know we were kissing and it was the most amazing feeling ever, I have only ever kissed 2 other girls in my lifetime but this was special, I felt like it filled the gap, how very wrong I was. After that, she became distant, she did, that whole day she was not feeling comfortable and it wasn't good and that really upset me. That night, I talked to my mom about everything and realized how shitty my situation really was, she was extremely worried about me. I managed to hold it together that night and I don't really know how. Anyways, that morning I asked her if she wanted me to come over before we left at 11 and she said "whatever you want!". So of course, I was thinking, she just needed a good nights sleep, everythings ok now. So I went over, and NOTHING happened and I expected somehting to!! Is that wrong?! I don't know, every chance I had to get her closer to me she turned it down and it just wasn't so great. Oh, one small interjection, that last night, after we had dinner, we did have a small moment. We were watching a movie with other people and we had a blanket over us and she held my hand for the movie and stuff like that, but all of a sudden, I went to get some water and I sat back down and she wanted nothing to do with me! She moved away from me and soon, I was the only one left under the Blanket! Anyways, back to the next morning, she just didn't TRY, and that hurt, it did. Anyways, we drove to Vancouver that morning/ Afternoon and the after we got out of the car with Brandon, we got on the SkyTrain and went downtown to where our Hostel was. When we got off the train she instantly reached for my hand which i was soooooo happy about. We checked into the Hostel and sat for a while. the beds were bunk beds and there was 2 other people staying with us, anyways, we went out for coffee and at this point i was paying for everything which I liked because she was short for money and she is in Uni so I didn't mind. We did coffee and then just walked around downtown checking out various shops. That afternoon was really great, i felt like the girl that I wanted to be with and the girl that I knew was back and it was very humbling. But then, we went and saw a movie, I payed and all but she didn't want me to put her arm around her and stuff. Eventually she held my hand which was a relief. We went back to the room and got into bed and I slept with her that night, sometimes, she was tense but other times she was all over me, kissing me and holding me and whatever. It was really confusing. At about probs 2 in the morning I woke up tangled in her limbs and asked her how she was doing and she told me she thought she had reached her touch threshold, so I backed off. But than an hour later, we woke up again and I asked her how she was doing and she said "Really Good" and started kissing me and stuff and of course I gladly went along with it. Anyways, we finished that night and she said she didn't sleep all that well and even hinted that she wanted to sleep seperately for our last night, which whatever, not a big deal. Anyways, we had a good day overall that day and we went and saw Ed sheeran that night, but even then, sometimes, i would pull her close and kiss her on the head and she would lay her head down and be comfortable while the next time she would pull away. Overall, it was a great night for us though, we held hands almost the entire time and it was active (squeezing, rubbing of fingers, stuff like that). We got back that night and I was already feeling down because I knew it was our last night together and that upset me. Anyways, she confirmed my suspicion and said she was moving to the top bunk that night which I was OK with although I did miss her in my arms. We kissed goodnight and whatever. Woke up the next morning and not much to say, i tried for one last morning cuddle session by simply laying on her bed but that didn't work. We left for the airport and we went and had our last meal together. I asked her the day before if she wanted to see me again and she said "I think so yah". Which, better then No. I told her it might have been a mistake and she exclaimed "Coming down?!?" to which I replied "No! but for 6 days, maybe" and she agreed that it was a bit of a long and turbulent first date. Anyways, I told her I was going to miss the hell out of her and I think she said "Me too" but it may have been more of a "Yeahhh". Anyways, we walked down to security and we kissed goodbye, that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, kissing her goodbye knowing there was a good chance it would be the last time. Anyways, I tried to hold my emotions in the security line and I messaged her asking her to "Not give up on me" which with she replied "I won't". When i got back she had messaged me telling me she missed me already and all that which I thought was really good. But in the past few days (which is all it has been), she HAS become distant. I asked her if we could call it what it is and I told her I wanted to be able to call her my girlfriend and "show her off" and she told me again she just wasn't ready to Commit. So, I have been trying to deal with my hurt, my pain, by writing poems and such, i have tried getting her off my mind but nothing works. I am OK until something reminds me of a good memory with her and then I'm fucked again. I don't know what to do, we have something, there is something there, she isn't that girl who I chase forever but never ACT because I have!!! I have acted and she's responded some bad and some good.... I don't know if I should go see her during her february reading week or if she even would want me to?? I am willing to work on a LDR, I understand that they very rarely work out but I am willing to try!! I feel like I am putting a lot more into us than her. Should I just be there for her and nurture the friendship? Should I cut her out of my life completely and get back on the healing train? I don't even understand. She made it clear that she has feelings for me but is it just that she isn't ready for commitment quite yet? I asked her if it was because she didn't want to be tied down and she said "No, I just don't want the Pressure, Responsibility during my first term". what the hell do I do. If you have made it this far, I owe you a case of beer. I am very sorry for the length of this post but i HAD to get this out. If this forum was not the place to post this, I understand. Thank's for the help.