Don't Hurt a Girl - Managing Expectations: 10 day guide

[leverage]

In the blog post, it was mentioned that to avoid spending too much time with a girl, 10 days between interactions is the sweet spot.

What if the girl is the one chasing - not necessarily being pushy, just that she either texts or calls every other day or so to see what's up, or maybe hint at meeting up. Say you like the girl as well, how should one avoid being trapped between not letting the girl feel ignored and spending too much time with her?

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks!

 

[trashKENNUT]

Hi leverage,

What if the girl is the one chasing - not necessarily being pushy, just that she either texts or calls every other day or so to see what's up, or maybe hint at meeting up. Say you like the girl as well, how should one avoid being trapped between not letting the girl feel ignored and spending too much time with her?

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks!

Just wondering if you slept with her already, anyway here it is.

Most girls won't text you that much, unless you know her for too long already. The problem is this is where, you the one, one where you end in the boyfriend/provider category.

If you just met her and If she someone you like, set up meeting her and do the close. She is already fond of you. Set a meet up and don't text her till the day, or the day before to confirm. Two to Three Hours before the date will be good.

If she's someone you don't have feelings for, but know you somehow and got your number, just ignore her messages and reply one or two messages after three to five messages that she send. Often girls won't send you this vast amount of messages, she already get the idea you don't like her much. If she asks you out, just casually invite her for friends meet up if you have any! This is just a dismissal message.

If she's someone you have slept with, Just be warmth when she text, and don't answer her calls and text every now and then.

But key here, just be warm, be nice.

Zac

 

[Franco]

Hi leverage,

If you actually like this girl, then you should move quickly, take her out on a date, and close the deal! Girls who contact a guy this much can usually only provide so much investment before they "burn out" and go into auto-rejection.

I believe the 10-day rule you are referring to has primarily to do with casual, sexual relationships. The reason you wait more than a week to contact them is that you don't want to give them the idea that you are looking for something serious. When you are seeing a girl at least once a week, then she will view the relationship as serious. So make sure that you know what your intentions are with this girl before you move forward. If you think you like her, but you are not sure whether or not she is relationship material, then start with a casual, sexual relationship. You can always move things forward from there (by seeing her more frequently than the 10-day marker if you like her).

But if you are interested in her, then by all means, take her on a date and take her to bed! Do it before she loses interest!

Hope this helps.

- Franco

 

[leverage]

Hi Zac and Franco.

Thanks for the helpful responses. I met her last weekend and went to her place but got de-railed when her housemate came home.

I have been responding warmly but have not initiated any new interaction so the flurry of conversation has stopped at the moment.

She is cute and we enjoyed each other's company. Even in light makeup I would only have guessed her to be thirty putting her a few years older than me. However I had found out she is in her high thirties and divorced.

The age gap is significant and I am now considering if I do want to try to pursue a casual relationship. I am quite a social novice and am concerned about risking drama should things between us end up getting emotionally attached and I push back on long term relationships.

Would appreciate your thoughts. Will the experience be worth the potential drama or am I overthinking things? Thanks!

 

[trashKENNUT]

Even in light makeup I would only have guessed her to be thirty putting her a few years older than me. However I had found out she is in her high thirties and divorced.

The age gap is significant and I am now considering if I do want to try to pursue a casual relationship. I am quite a social novice and am concerned about risking drama should things between us end up getting emotionally attached and I push back on long term relationships.

Would appreciate your thoughts. Will the experience be worth the potential drama or am I overthinking things? Thanks!

For this girl in her late thirties, you need to deep dive and get to know what it is that she want. If she has just divorced, i think she probably doesn't mind with all this casual hook ups. It's kind of like a rebound thing for her. Most older women are experienced and don't really respond to those kind of playful banter you used to 18 to 21 years old women, maybe not so much. She knows what she wants. She is more likely to give you more chances knowing you a social novice, but the problem with here is when if she knows you too long without you making a move, she will likely to put you in the husband/provider category. You must remember she is in her late thirties and she doesn't have much time left, so you need to know what is that she wants.

This one, maybe Franco has better advice, but I suggest you shoot fast with this one.

Zac

 

[leverage]

For this girl in her late thirties, you need to deep dive and get to know what it is that she want.

Indeed. I had the feeling that the deep dive/spellbinding conversation probably was the most captivating for her. Unfortunately I now realize that while I talked a lot about her but probably didn't focus on finding out what exactly she wants. Will keep this in mind next time. (Or perhaps I should work much harder on my fundamentals and try to attract girls closer to my age ...)

She is more likely to give you more chances knowing you a social novice, but the problem with here is when if she knows you too long without you making a move, she will likely to put you in the husband/provider category. You must remember she is in her late thirties and she doesn't have much time left, so you need to know what is that she wants.
This one, maybe Franco has better advice, but I suggest you shoot fast with this one.
Zac

Yeah definitely don't want to get slotted into husband/provider category (neither now nor later). I guess if I deep dive and find out she's looking for a long term relationship I probably should just let it go.

Appreciate the advice. Will see if Franco adds anything further.

Thanks.

 

[Franco]

Hey leverage,

This might give you some further insight on how to set expectations for casual relationships:

Don't Hurt a Girl: The Importance of Expectations

It's always best to start things off as casual from the beginning so that you can protect her feelings if you decide that something long-term isn't in the cards. If feelings start to develop from both of you, then you can simply ramp up the amount of time you spend together until eventually it just "becomes" a relationship. This choice is up to you though, so make sure you handle the situation appropriately.

Hope this helps!

EDIT: I posted this and just realized this is probably the article you read. Sorry about that. But it should basically answer your overall question. I would give it a few reads and then look over the advice given to you here. I should also mention that women in their thirties have been through a LOT, and if you frame things correctly, she will probably be completely okay with it. It is younger women that tend to be uncomfortable with casual relationships and start drama if they aren't getting what they want.

- Franco

 

[leverage]

Hi Zac and Franco. Thanks for sharing experiences and advice. Much appreciated.

 

[Lotus]

Perfect timing for me to run into this thread, as I had not seen the 10 day guide blog post. Since the topic is here I'm just going to give it a bump and ask my question.

I have hung out with her 2 times after I first grabbed her number. 1 date, 1 strait up hangout/sleepover/sex( she lives an hour away). We may hangout for the second Sunday in a row... if so I'm sure she will sleep over. We are both openly sexual in conversation, the logistics aren't good enough to ramp up a serious relationship and I do not want to go monogamous.

I'm on the fence about this 10 day rule leaning towards following it... Is there a way I drop more hints to lead it away from monogamy? or is it safest to bring this rule into effect?

I realize it's extremely early in whatever you want to call this.... but I ran into this post so better to proactive.

-brum

 

[Franco]

brum,

It becomes a bit hazy when you're dealing with a situation like that. I think if you're still seeing her every weekend, it can be under the assumption that you are working toward monogamy. As long as a girl feels like she is seeing you every week, then there's a possibility of an expectation there that it might become more. After all, she's taking up all of your weekends.

With girls like this, where you can probably only see them on weekends given the distance, it's probably best to limit it to about once every other weekend. If she happens to mention she isn't available a certain weekend and you decide to spend two weekends in a row together to make up for that, then that's probably fine. But I wouldn't go further than that.

You can experiment though. Your ability to read a woman's actions and determine her expectations/intentions can play a role here as well -- what I mean by that is, if you're able to determine this girl sees this as something purely casual even though you're seeing her every weekend, then you can probably move forward and stick with it. That being said, this "sixth sense" is something that takes time to develop, and until you've been having lots of casual relationships with women, it will probably be hard for a newer guy to determine.

Hope that helps!

- Franco

 

[Lotus]

Thanks Franco. She can come visit me because she is a senior so I can easily kick it back a couple days avoiding the consistent Sunday hang.

Yea, I didn't balance it well with the last girl, and she got attached very quickly. Her signs were much easier to read and she was clearly going towards a relationship. I had thought once a week, if texting is minimal, would be okay. Clearly not the case.

The current girl is clearly chasing me over text and investing more then I am... Would that be considered a sign? To counter argue the point she isn't needy and hasn't required even a hug goodbye.

As I think about it more and more I realize how many little things to look for there are!

Either way, the safest route, until I learn more about her, is to throw a 10 day break in after this weekend. Cool stuff to think about!

 

[Zoro]

I just want to mention the girl I who I had been seeing for almost 5 months I had been seeing every weekend. She also slept over every time.

I thought she was going to push for exclusivity around the 3 month mark or AT LEAST ask "What are we?" It ended after Valentines which may have been the wave that shook up the boat. I had done very little to progress the relationship. It was meet up and sex for 5 months. She was a very level headed girl. ZERO drama of any kind. No fights, besides with pillows

Besides breaking the 10 day rule I followed all the directions for beginning a relationship. Which is the same for both casual and exclusive relationships besides the 10 day rule If I am correct. I actually kept myself from hanging out with her more often, even though I wanted to see her a lot more, as that would have definitely sent a strong message.

I was on the fence about progressing the relationship with her. Since she didn't push for monogamy, this left the relationship in a kind of limbo where neither of us were pushing to progress it past good company and sex.

It was a great learning experience and also emotionally rewarding as I cared for her. I hope she felt the same way.

 

[mindful]

thanks for sharing this experience.

Did she leave in the morning each time or did you hang out with her a little bit the next day? Like grab coffee or breakfast, etc.

 

[Zoro]

@mindful

I usually made her breakfast, she would stay til midday.