Alright, this feels a little bit like wading into the shark pit (especially since I know the mantra around here is "dont' chase, replace"), but I'm going to give this a go because I'm in a rebuilding phase, and am looking for as wide a range of feedback as possible.
Apologies up front for the length. I tend to be a little wordy.
So, the last two-plus years have been Hell for me, and have seen me completely fall apart because I, like a chump, long ago built my self image on external factors, and those externals disappeared. As the ground was shifting under me, and I was starting to collapse, I was dating this really great woman. She was smart, sexy, and just absolutely smoking. The sex was red hot, and she was so completely into me it actually made my head spin. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to hold myself together, and I knew it. I told her I was going through something, and that it was something that I had to do on my own.
It wasn't an easy thing to do, but I broke up with her. I did it partly because I really did need to work on myself on my own, and partly because I didn't want her to see me hit rock bottom. She was persistent, however, and told me that she'd wait for me. She asked me if I would want to get back together in the future. I told her she shouldn't wait, because I didn't know how long it would take me to deal with my problems, but that I probably would be interested in getting back together again.
She misread that as "I don't want to be with you anymore, but I want to put you down nicely", when I was being completely honest and up front. I thought I was clear, but, let's be honest here: I wasn't really in a clear head space at the the time, so that may not have been something I was at all capable of being.
We had been together for 6 months at that point. For the first two weeks after breakup, she chased me pretty hard, and tried to seduce me back. It almost worked, but she was looking for a commitment I wasn't capable of giving at the time. After the third week, she had declared that she had "moved on", and she jumped back into dating. She jumped at, I think literally, the first guy that came along after that, and they've been together since. That was about two months ago now.
Anyway, I've taken the summer to bottom out, and start rebuilding myself based on strong internal labels. Day by day my life comes together, my confidence grows, and I'm feeling stronger and stronger. I've been working on my posture, I've been working on my eye contact, and I've begun dating again. So far, it's been all low hanging fruit, as it were, but it's done some great things for my confidence as each consecutive date has been with a progressively better, more attractive woman. I'm finding myself able to hold my own in conversations, generate some genuine smiles, and make these woman laugh and have a pretty good time. More importantly, I'm able to see that I'm doing this, and feel my self-confidence grow every time. This is a huge change from just a year ago, where women seemed to find me charming, but I just didn't believe it.
So, of course, I want a second chance at my ex. She's still rebounding, but I have little doubt that this current relationship of hers will peter out. It might take a few more months, but I know the type of guy she's with, I know the type of woman she is, and I know the classic signs of a rebound when I see them. After two months of no-contact, I texted her to say hi, and to see how things were. She told me she was watching TV, and said that she hoped I was doing well. I let her know that I was doing great, and said I hoped she was as well. She totally ignored that, but we did chat very sporadically until I went to bed (I ended the conversation). When I woke up in the morning, there was one last text from her saying that she hoped I had a good night's sleep, and, again, that she hoped things had improved for me. Nothing at all about how she was. She totally avoided the topic.
When I went no-contact on her (which was a couple of days after I learned about the new guy), I was a bit of a jerk. Having re-established contact with her, I felt I should apologize for that, so I sent a short email just saying I was sorry, and briefly explained why I was being such an ass at the the time. She responded, saying that she really appreciated the apology (score!), but that it wasn't necessary, because she holds no hard feelings. She also made a point of mentioning that she had moved on, and she was happy. Personally, I don't believe she doesn't hold any hard feelings, and I'm still not convinced that she's "moved on". I do hope she's happy, though.
Anyway, I think I can read from this that she's still angry, and that this is an auto-rejection reaction. I also think she's still in the rebound phase of the break-up (she's two months out of a six month relationship that was very passionate). Since she's currently seeing someone, should I be hoping that she reaches the cool-down phase before that break-up, or should I be hoping the break-up occurs closer to the longing phase?
Either way, my plan right now is to continue dating, continue working out, continue to slim down, and continue to put on some muscle (I've been running, and I've recently joined the gym so I can use the weight machines). I'm going to give her a few weeks to digest the apology, and then text her again. Something fun and lighthearted, just to say hi, and to gauge where she is. I've recently started a new job, so that'll keep me pretty busy, and should give me the funds to refresh my wardrobe. I'm also hoping to land a second job, and once I do that I'm thinking of taking up martial arts.
I suppose the tables have sort of turned a bit, as now I'm willing to wait for her. It's just that while I'm waiting, I'm going to be living the single life, and build myself into an even more attractive catch.
So, thoughts? Is there anything I should avoid doing at this time? Is there anything specific I should be taking this time to do? Obviously, she's in a relationship, and I don't want to interfere with that, but I do want to be ready for when it ends, and while she's in this relationship, she's giving me all the time in the world to build a better me..
Apologies up front for the length. I tend to be a little wordy.
So, the last two-plus years have been Hell for me, and have seen me completely fall apart because I, like a chump, long ago built my self image on external factors, and those externals disappeared. As the ground was shifting under me, and I was starting to collapse, I was dating this really great woman. She was smart, sexy, and just absolutely smoking. The sex was red hot, and she was so completely into me it actually made my head spin. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to hold myself together, and I knew it. I told her I was going through something, and that it was something that I had to do on my own.
It wasn't an easy thing to do, but I broke up with her. I did it partly because I really did need to work on myself on my own, and partly because I didn't want her to see me hit rock bottom. She was persistent, however, and told me that she'd wait for me. She asked me if I would want to get back together in the future. I told her she shouldn't wait, because I didn't know how long it would take me to deal with my problems, but that I probably would be interested in getting back together again.
She misread that as "I don't want to be with you anymore, but I want to put you down nicely", when I was being completely honest and up front. I thought I was clear, but, let's be honest here: I wasn't really in a clear head space at the the time, so that may not have been something I was at all capable of being.
We had been together for 6 months at that point. For the first two weeks after breakup, she chased me pretty hard, and tried to seduce me back. It almost worked, but she was looking for a commitment I wasn't capable of giving at the time. After the third week, she had declared that she had "moved on", and she jumped back into dating. She jumped at, I think literally, the first guy that came along after that, and they've been together since. That was about two months ago now.
Anyway, I've taken the summer to bottom out, and start rebuilding myself based on strong internal labels. Day by day my life comes together, my confidence grows, and I'm feeling stronger and stronger. I've been working on my posture, I've been working on my eye contact, and I've begun dating again. So far, it's been all low hanging fruit, as it were, but it's done some great things for my confidence as each consecutive date has been with a progressively better, more attractive woman. I'm finding myself able to hold my own in conversations, generate some genuine smiles, and make these woman laugh and have a pretty good time. More importantly, I'm able to see that I'm doing this, and feel my self-confidence grow every time. This is a huge change from just a year ago, where women seemed to find me charming, but I just didn't believe it.
So, of course, I want a second chance at my ex. She's still rebounding, but I have little doubt that this current relationship of hers will peter out. It might take a few more months, but I know the type of guy she's with, I know the type of woman she is, and I know the classic signs of a rebound when I see them. After two months of no-contact, I texted her to say hi, and to see how things were. She told me she was watching TV, and said that she hoped I was doing well. I let her know that I was doing great, and said I hoped she was as well. She totally ignored that, but we did chat very sporadically until I went to bed (I ended the conversation). When I woke up in the morning, there was one last text from her saying that she hoped I had a good night's sleep, and, again, that she hoped things had improved for me. Nothing at all about how she was. She totally avoided the topic.
When I went no-contact on her (which was a couple of days after I learned about the new guy), I was a bit of a jerk. Having re-established contact with her, I felt I should apologize for that, so I sent a short email just saying I was sorry, and briefly explained why I was being such an ass at the the time. She responded, saying that she really appreciated the apology (score!), but that it wasn't necessary, because she holds no hard feelings. She also made a point of mentioning that she had moved on, and she was happy. Personally, I don't believe she doesn't hold any hard feelings, and I'm still not convinced that she's "moved on". I do hope she's happy, though.
Anyway, I think I can read from this that she's still angry, and that this is an auto-rejection reaction. I also think she's still in the rebound phase of the break-up (she's two months out of a six month relationship that was very passionate). Since she's currently seeing someone, should I be hoping that she reaches the cool-down phase before that break-up, or should I be hoping the break-up occurs closer to the longing phase?
Either way, my plan right now is to continue dating, continue working out, continue to slim down, and continue to put on some muscle (I've been running, and I've recently joined the gym so I can use the weight machines). I'm going to give her a few weeks to digest the apology, and then text her again. Something fun and lighthearted, just to say hi, and to gauge where she is. I've recently started a new job, so that'll keep me pretty busy, and should give me the funds to refresh my wardrobe. I'm also hoping to land a second job, and once I do that I'm thinking of taking up martial arts.
I suppose the tables have sort of turned a bit, as now I'm willing to wait for her. It's just that while I'm waiting, I'm going to be living the single life, and build myself into an even more attractive catch.
So, thoughts? Is there anything I should avoid doing at this time? Is there anything specific I should be taking this time to do? Obviously, she's in a relationship, and I don't want to interfere with that, but I do want to be ready for when it ends, and while she's in this relationship, she's giving me all the time in the world to build a better me..
