Break Ups Ex girlfriend of 4 years 7 months

[Vee The Great]

Hello all,

First post here looking to get some clarity. I fell to what seems to be the common “2-year drop”, however mine was longer. I am 26 and my ex girlfriend had just turned 27. We were dating for 4 years and 7 months. Chase’s articles have been an excellent resource on why this happens and what to do about it. She started to emotionally dissociate about a few months before the breakup. I was willing to compromise and make a forward looking plan but her auto-rejection was too strong.

1. It sucks to have discovered all these terms now instead of earlier. Better late than never though. How do you cope with learning a lesson late?

2. I learned 2 hard lessons. Women will want commitment/progress eventually and will leave no matter what to find it. The other thing is that age does matter. I would be so ready to give her what she wanted, even earlier than what she wanted, if I was much older like 33/34. Why did my instincts feel not ready to push the relationship to the next level even though I know this girl is right for me?

3. I did say we can get engaged next year and marry 2 years after that but like I said, I think the auto rejection was very strong. She said I think we should break up. She said she had a gut feeling it wouldn’t work out. Most likely to how she felt hurt.

4. We do have each other’s numbers which is weird if she didn’t think it would work out. I just messaged her today to see if she would like some of her questions answered over a cup of coffee. We’ll see if she wants to meet up one last time after a month of not seeing each other. I did send a message in the middle of the break up to see how she was doing and didn’t get a response. I probably deserved that one. Either way, I have learned my lesson and have come to accept the outcome.

Every relationship is a learning opportunity to become a better man. Be thankful for every person who has come into your life. Just enjoy every moment you have with the person.

Anyone who has gone there something similar and know what to do after?

 

[Marty]

Welcome @Vee The Great , nice to have you here.

3. I did say we can get engaged next year and marry 2 years after that but like I said, I think the auto rejection was very strong. She said I think we should break up. She said she had a gut feeling it wouldn’t work out. Most likely to how she felt hurt.

To me, this makes little sense, and I’m not surprised that a woman would be baffled by it.

Either you’re both over-the-moon about each other, and sure about what you want (in which case, why wait 3 years?), or you’re still unsure, in which case why even raise the topic?

The purpose of an engagement, surely, is to plan the details of the wedding (which doesn’t take anything like 2 years: 4 to 6 months should be ample). And why plan the engagement itself ahead of time? Again, either propose to her, if that’s what you want, or don’t go anywhere near the subject.

Pussyfooting around like this gives the impression of not being serious, which is the last thing a woman wants from a prospective fiancé.

It sounds as if you dodged a bullet. If I were you, I’d use the resources on this site to date around, understand what is available in the pool (and what you want yourself), and never touch the question of marriage again until you’re sure you’ve found the girl of your dreams.

 

[POB]

Welcome to the boards @Vee The Great !

1. It sucks to have discovered all these terms now instead of earlier. Better late than never though. How do you cope with learning a lesson late?

Focus on the process. You will get those lessons to your core if you don't try to rush it.

2. I learned 2 hard lessons. Women will want commitment/progress eventually and will leave no matter what to find it. The other thing is that age does matter. I would be so ready to give her what she wanted, even earlier than what she wanted, if I was much older like 33/34. Why did my instincts feel not ready to push the relationship to the next level even though I know this girl is right for me?

Sadly you're right.
Takes time for a man to mature and reach that point.
On the bright side though, I'm pretty sure you'll experience so many new things on those next few years that you'll look back fondly of what you got from this episode (as long you apply what you'll learn here).

3. I did say we can get engaged next year and marry 2 years after that but like I said, I think the auto rejection was very strong. She said I think we should break up. She said she had a gut feeling it wouldn’t work out. Most likely to how she felt hurt.

Too soon for her, too soon for you.
Give yourself more time to mature this idea.

4. We do have each other’s numbers which is weird if she didn’t think it would work out. I just messaged her today to see if she would like some of her questions answered over a cup of coffee. We’ll see if she wants to meet up one last time after a month of not seeing each other. I did send a message in the middle of the break up to see how she was doing and didn’t get a response. I probably deserved that one. Either way, I have learned my lesson and have come to accept the outcome.

1st rule of Fight Club: after a break-up, NO CONTACT
If she contacts you, give brief aswers and maybe (if needed) figure out some logistics (to pick your stuff up for example)

Anyone who has gone there something similar and know what to do after?

Give it time to heal and de-couple.
Take the pain and move on.