Exes Ex wants to meet

[Lantern]

3 months ago my LTR of 11 years broke up with me. A month before that she gave me a "I'm not sure about this relationship" speech, we agreed to investigate the problems and see how we feel, but after about a month of that she left. It was a massive shock for me.

In the breakup and that "breakup month" I wasn't a snobbeling beta, but I wasn't a firm alpha either. I wanted the relationship to work, and was willing to make necessary changes. My biggest regret for that period that I was too accommodating to her and how she feels, and there were a couple of instance where I should have told her to go fuck herself.

Anyway, after the breakup I went into no-contact, apart from a few "only business" communications regarding things she left, which a mutual friend delivered to her. Otherwise I didn't see her. Did not wish her merry xmas or new years, nothing.

For the first month after the break up I was quite devastated. The second was less devastation, more constant ruminating and feeling very angry towards her. This third month has been a lot better, although I still catch myself thinking about what I would like to yell to her face about how she treated me. It's not the breakup itself which hurt me the most, but the fact that for a long time we were talking about marriage, children, and it went so far as that about 6 months back we started renovating my apartment (where he both lived together for the past 5 years) so it would fit better for our plans which were, among others, to try for a kid in 2022. And then out of the blue, in the middle of the renovation, boom, she's gone. Yet apparently, she felt like she wasn't into me for quite some time. So the least she could have done is breached the subject before the renovation (which is now objectively half-wasted money), if not even sooner.

So anyway, today she sent me a text asking about some other stuff of her's that's left with me (which is legitimate) but then also asking to meet for a short coffee.

If she asked me this a month ago I would have given a firm no, because I wasn't emotionally ready. I might be now, or might not, I'm not sure.
I'm also 95% certain that I don't want her back after what she did and the way she did the breakup.

I answered, in short, that in any case I don't have time this week which is mostly true, but I'm not even sure if it's a good idea to meet at all. I mean, it's kinda lame to dodge a meeting if she wants it, but on the other hand, I don't want it to re-trigger my breakup emotions which are finally getting better.

I also don't have an idea why she wants to meet.

Anyway, any suggestions, ideas? Should I meet now see what's up? Should I postpone it untill I feel ready, or at least untill I banged some girl to minimize any oneitis residues?

 

[POB]

No need to bang other girls to feel more secure (but if you can, yes, just do it).
Agree to meet but don't give it to much though.
Meeting her is not that important.

Just take the time to focus on yourself.
There's A LOT you can do between now and then that will improve your life.
Finish your renovation (it's your apartment after all), buy some books and start to study about seduction and relationships, go back to your favorite hobbies, walk naked in the house and fart at will (you don't have to restrain your nasty shit because she's not around anymore).

Also don't say you don't want her. You don't want a relationship, but you do want to bang her again (after all, you have a dick).
Just be mindful of that because our horniness can get the best of us in that kind of situation.
Good luck!

 

[Lantern]

Thanks, POB, but in the 20 minutes from writing this post she just sent me a block of text saying that since I won't have time to meet, she wants all the best for me in the new year and that she felt it was stupid not to wish that to sombody after 11 years, also saying how she knows it wasn't easy for me, nor it was for her, that she didn't want to hurt me and thinks she did us both a favour by braking up. That she's found peace, and that she's happy with her life and wants the same for me, and that I don't have to respond or meet her but she just wanted to send new years wishes.

I should point out that the earlier texting was just me saying I'll let her know when I get her stuff ready. I didn't breach any emotional topic, nor did she.

I have no idea how to respond to this.

 

[POB]

She's just venting and using chick-logic (she broke up and is sad because of you? makes no sense).
Ignore the wall. You don't need drama from any woman, especially one you are not fucking anymore.
Just be firm and polite:

"I'm sorry you feel like that, but what I said stands. I'll text again when your stuff is ready. You can either come and get it or I can drop it at (pick a neutral place). Have a nice week.

 

[Will_V]

Thanks, POB, but in the 20 minutes from writing this post she just sent me a block of text saying that since I won't have time to meet, she wants all the best for me in the new year and that she felt it was stupid not to wish that to sombody after 11 years, also saying how she knows it wasn't easy for me, nor it was for her, that she didn't want to hurt me and thinks she did us both a favour by braking up. That she's found peace, and that she's happy with her life and wants the same for me, and that I don't have to respond or meet her but she just wanted to send new years wishes.

I should point out that the earlier texting was just me saying I'll let her know when I get her stuff ready. I didn't breach any emotional topic, nor did she.

I have no idea how to respond to this.

My suggestion for you is to think clearly about the situation on your own and make a decisive decision about what kind of future and relationship you want to have with her. That is your frame. Then you communicate this frame to her in the best way possible every time you speak with her.

Otherwise you will end up getting so emotionally invested in the push and pull of her communications that you'll end up saying and doing things you're not even sure you want to.

 

[Lantern]

Thanks guys. I ended up writing something very similar to what POB suggested, to which she replied in essence "Never mind, I shouldn't have said anything, there's no need to meet up, we don't have anything left open discuss, just send my stuff when you get around to it." Since I've already told her about the stuff, I won't reply anything to this.

Btw. I think the "we don't have anything to discuss" might be bait for me to either confirm or deny this, but I won't take it. I happen to think a lot of stuff was left open, but I don't see any point in talking to her about it.

So, just a pointles shot of adrenaline in the middle of my workday, great.

Also, POB, your suggest to focus on myself is what I have been doing, just as you say. I didn't really have any drive to meet new women for the last 3 months (nor a lot of time, to be frank), but it's slowly coming back.

Will, you're right about being clear about what I want, that's part of the issue. I said I'm 95% I don't want her back, the 5% is a buffer for the possibility that I've understood something wrongly and am blaming her for more than what she actually did. But I certainly wont invest anything into gettig her back.

As far as just for having sex again, well, that part of the relationship was really great, and as POB says I'm still a guy, I'm just not sure about the psychological impact, so I'm weary...