Long-Term Exploring While We're Young and Together

[Smiling_Stray]

So I've been happily in a great relationship with this girl for nearly three months now. How we got together and managed to keep things going even during quarantine in 2020 is an another post I'm working around to entirely on it's own. Everything's been great, we started off only seeing each other once or twice every ten days then gradually started seeing each other more often (like three times a week) until we started seeing each other every day about a month and a half in. Thing is she has a family member living with her that's at risk so we'd only see each other once a month in person (until then, we'd be on zoom talking or having sex though video chat). Now we're pretty much always on video chat (even sleeping together this way), I like it like this and she's been very happy with this too (much happier than she was when I first met her).

This video chat stuff is coming to an end now as we'll both be moving into the same city together (living apart since her parents don't want her living with a guy yet.) She's rooming with a female friend of hers in a week and I'm getting my own place in a month or two (until I move out, we'll be able to physically see each other a few times a week and sleep over a lot more in person, since the city isn't too far from me). Needless to say we're very excited.

However, I've recently found myself going out to work more on my own at night and catching the eye of various kinds of women. I haven't done anything but I did start feeling a need to explore what kind of women I enjoy sex with more so, to say the least. I tried to shake the urge to explore more but it kept creeping back any time she wasn't around (normally while I'm working, I'm a full-time self-employed delivery driver).

We're very open about these things with each other and she can tell when things are off with me pretty well so I decided I might as well just talk to her about it. To my surprise she was very understanding (although a little hurt) that I felt like I need to explore more while I'm young (I'm 20 now and she's 18). We agreed to some boundaries for my exploration and that it would only be fair if she did so too (she's curious about sex with women herself but also has expressed interest in other men, which makes me a little uncomfortable. Then again, me having sex with other women makes her uncomfortable.) At one point she offered to have it be one sided, with just me exploring but I wasn't sure about this either (I don't want to make anything too lopsided). At another, she asked if we should just take a break for a year or two. I really didn't want that.

Overall, I'm not sure about this whole exploring thing we're doing now but it has made me feel a little better about us (although more insecure) I wanna know if this is the right course of action for us or if there's something else we can do that doesn't involve her getting dick elsewhere? Relationships are something we're both very new to, is there an article related to managing open relationships? Are we really doing the right thing by having this be more open? Any help or thoughts appreciated

 

[johndoe]

I was in this exact same spot a few months ago. Actually followed through on this in a 4-year relationship. Thought it'd be fine since we talked about it a lot and seemed to be secure about it. Boy was I wrong.

You've got to be prepared for your girl being able to find someone really quick, and you realising it takes more effort to bed someone than you initially thought.

At this phase of your relationship, one of you is probably gonna get started first, then realise how much it hurts the other person and call it off.

There's an article somewhere on the site about this, but I'd say if you want to do open you should just call off the relationship entirely. It's much cleaner. Some guys around here also manage to do relationships where only the guy is open. Don't know how they do it but if you can figure it out, it won't be half bad. You probably have to set the expectations early though.

 

[Smiling_Stray]

I was in this exact same spot a few months ago. Actually followed through on this in a 4-year relationship. Thought it'd be fine since we talked about it a lot and seemed to be secure about it. Boy was I wrong.

You've got to be prepared for your girl being able to find someone really quick, and you realising it takes more effort to bed someone than you initially thought.

At this phase of your relationship, one of you is probably gonna get started first, then realise how much it hurts the other person and call it off.

There's an article somewhere on the site about this, but I'd say if you want to do open you should just call off the relationship entirely. It's much cleaner. Some guys around here also manage to do relationships where only the guy is open. Don't know how they do it but if you can figure it out, it won't be half bad. You probably have to set the expectations early though.

She did say that we could just make it one sided, although I'm not sure how that would go over in the long term at this point now that we're both open. If anyone could find that article, that'd be great but I couldn't find it myself.

I've heard of a lot of less than ideal outcomes from monogamous relationships becoming open relationships since looking into it here so I think monogamy might just have to suffice for now.

I'll talk to her about it after I finish up with work tomorrow

 

[Skippy]

She did say that we could just make it one sided, although I'm not sure how that would go over in the long term at this point now that we're both open. If anyone could find that article, that'd be great but I couldn't find it myself.

I think this is the article you're talking about https://www.girlschase.com/content/when-your-relationship-comfy-you-still-arent-happy

Short-term, it should be OK and might actually be beneficial in that it will make you less needy. And you guys have only been dating for 3 months, which is not that long in the grand scheme of things. If you were to do one-sided monogamy, just be sure to keep it totally discreet. Even if she says she's okay with it, don't give her any indication whatsoever that you're actually dating other girls on the side.

Super long-term, 10+ years, yeah one-sided monogamy might cause resentment(so I've heard. I don't have any personal experience in this case). I know hector mentions one-sided monogamy on the youtube channel but he said that some guys might end up really hurting the girl if they don't go about it the right way. However, in your case, she's the one suggesting it herself, which is probably a little different from what he was talking about.

 

[Rakkum]

I can certainly relate to this, Wanderer!

I had this super sweet girl whom I broke things off with because I didn't want to get into a monogamous relationship and lose the momentum and gains I had made with getting overall better with women. It hurt her a lot.

Later I found myself asking myself whether she'd actually been less hurt and I'd gotten all I want just by setting the correct expectations and given her an excellent albeit non-exclusive relationship?

I'm saying this to provoke you to think about your own beliefs about women and relationships. Could it be that you are conditioned to see things in a way that unnecessarily limits your options (and your woman's too). I'm not saying this is the case... just that's is worthwhile to think about it.

 

[Mr. Hawaii]

I can certainly relate to this, Wanderer!

I had this super sweet girl whom I broke things off with because I didn't want to get into a monogamous relationship and lose the momentum and gains I had made with getting overall better with women. It hurt her a lot.

Later I found myself asking myself whether she'd actually been less hurt and I'd gotten all I want just by setting the correct expectations and given her an excellent albeit non-exclusive relationship?

I'm saying this to provoke you to think about your own beliefs about women and relationships. Could it be that you are conditioned to see things in a way that unnecessarily limits your options (and your woman's too). I'm not saying this is the case... just that's is worthwhile to think about it.

How did it turn out after you broke up with her?

 

[Rakkum]

How did it turn out after you broke up with her?

I kept her as a friend )

 

[Mr. Hawaii]

I kept her as a friend )

Did you find girls that were better suited for you?

 

[Rakkum]

Did you find girls that were better suited for you?

I've had many girls and experiences I wouldn't have had if I'd gone mono with her. Most of them not grazing as high up the slopes of Parnassus but better this way.

 

[Mr. Hawaii]

I've had many girls and experiences I wouldn't have had if I'd gone mono with her. Most of them not grazing as high up the slopes of Parnassus but better this way.

So you obtained quantity over quality and it was better? Not being snarky, Im just struggling with this in my life. I have a girlfriend I could live with forever, we have history, been with me through my lows, u know? But I’m 27 and afraid of missing out