- Joined
- Feb 5, 2017
- Messages
- 1,055
Approach
I saw this girl on the street, and she was in a power pose-plus looked very attractive. I open telling her she has a confident vibe. I talked with Hector and we both agreed that some of the comments she made to me did indicate a lot of interest, but also that she has a lot of game.
Note from Hector: should have hugged her at the end of the interaction because it was really warm.
Texting
Texting was kind of rushed, and I should have gotten her schedule. But I was leaving for a trip soon so thought I had to. Talked with Hector, and he said that the rules shouldn't be broken. At least not until I have them mastered.
The Date
I walked into my usual venue, and the girl’s waiting for me. Our initial hug is prolonged and full body with a cheek kiss. She looks really good. I scope out the place and it is way more packed with no space for us to sit. I tell her it’s usually not this crowded, then ask if she’s down to go somewhere else that will have more room. She’s down, so we walk.
We’re having pretty decent conversation. It’s bantery and teasing so that’s good. She makes a joke about me being a serial killer. I lean in and tell her we should go find an alley. As I do that, I step a bit away from her, then after the joke and she laughs move closer again. We talk a bit about the different dance styles we do. She dances and is very artistically oriented. Into theater, political science, etc. Hector's opinion is that my vibe needs to improve a lot here, and be much more dominant.
We reach the second bar, and I grab us seats on the couch. We sit, and she puts her coat, and her purse between us, sitting a decent distance away from me. It’s close enough to be polite, but much too far for anything really intimate. I don’t know how to call it out, but I could probably have said, “no need to be a stranger you know” with a playful vibe.
We talk and trade stories about family, traveling, and I set some non-judgmental, and exploration and meeting new people are good frames. We also talk horoscopes and she says my sign is good. I don’t notice this in the moment, but she is actually saying statements that are qualifying me-stuff like my sign is a good sign, or things I do are great. I don’t like this looking back, while it’s good she likes, her doing the qualifying is the opposite dynamic from what I want.
Share stories about family, her life moving to the US as an immigrant, her work and path she’s charted through life. She says she’s a partier and in the past was an Erasmus student in Europe. She had gone to parties and taken exams hungover. She also mentions that her mother is a strict soviet person, and that she rebelled a lot in her teenage years. This gives me the feeling she’s totally fine with casual sex as a thing, but her vibe and energy towards me makes me feel she’s evaluating me as a boyfriend.
Anyway, at some point she spills a drink on her coat, and I use the excuse to move her purse and tell her that she can move closer to me. Throughout this whole thing, we are touching, and holding hands at points, and she is actively touching me. A part of it does feel a bit calculated on her part-as if she knows what she’s doing and isn’t doing it because she wants to but because she knows it should have an effect. On this kind of girl, I think me not touching and letting her initiate it all would have been better. Sitting back down and letting my gaze and body language convey would have been the better call than touching.
At some point I do go in to pull her for a kiss, and she turns her cheek to me. I stay non-reactive.
As we finish our drinks, I do seed doing activities at my place, and she seems down. So conversation keeps going, and I do think at this point I’m probably talking more and more, and she’s making more comments that seem approving of me (bad).
I tell her let’s go grab some churros and then we’ll make some tea at mine. She says we can go for churros first and then she’ll decide. The walk is cold and we get to the churros quickly. Hector's advice is that I should not have pussyfooted the pull. I should have just taken her home. She liked my boldness, is a party girl, and is a dominant girl herself. She wanted someone unafraid, and I missed that.
At the churro spot I suggest we grab the churros to go and eat at mine, but she says she’s not coming home with me, because I’m still a stranger and she doesn’t know me. This to me is a huge signal that I haven’t deep dived right, and that I shared much more of myself than she did of herself. That’s why this objection comes.
We eat a little bit of the churros, and then we go into a deep and relatively passionate conversation about dopamine. She starts making lots of comments about living well, making mistakes, and not wanting a life with regrets. And that she’d do what she want regardless of what anyone else said. So after that, I try to pull again, saying we should probably get out of here, and that I’m going to go home and make some tea, but that I’d love for her to join me so we can keep talking.
She says she’s not coming with me, again with the same objection of not knowing me. So I don’t persist here, though I think I should have-given that I’m aware that this is really my only shot. I lacked that mindset on this date. There was a lack of urgency. Hector suggested I say something like, "well we don't have to know each other that well for what I have in mind" given that this was a do or die moment.
Anyway, on the walk to the train, we link arms and hold hands. She says that she finds me funny, smart, and interesting-and when I go for the kiss goodbye, she deflects again. I call her out slightly saying she’s a strange foreign girl, then shrug and hug her goodbye.
Main takeaways are that my frame was not good on this date. I also lacked urgency. The good was that my eye contact and gaze felt incredibly sexual, as did my body language.
Lots to learn from this girl. She was a very active listener, and nearly constantly making statements that were judging positively (qualifying) and in a way that made me want to talk more. A good habit I probably want to incorporate into myself.
Notes from Hector
I had talked in depth with Hector about this, and he told me that it's unlikely that I am putting myself in the boyfriend zone directly through my vibe. More that girls are giving me windows for fast escalation, and that by not taking them, I am actually demonstrating boyfriend behavior-and thus being disqualified as a person for fast sex.
Future steps are to get better at going after what I want.
Hector mentioned a mental model wherein I should think through the worst case, and understand the results, namely that I'll feel shitty, and judged to be not sex worthy. But after that, what? Nothing else happens. Hector wants me to internalize that to get better at playing to win, and then to also internalize just how much women love sex, and having dominant, degrading sex with a sexy, masculine guy.
FR name reason: I'm a bad burglar because I suck at breaking through windows in this FR
I saw this girl on the street, and she was in a power pose-plus looked very attractive. I open telling her she has a confident vibe. I talked with Hector and we both agreed that some of the comments she made to me did indicate a lot of interest, but also that she has a lot of game.
Note from Hector: should have hugged her at the end of the interaction because it was really warm.
Texting
Texting was kind of rushed, and I should have gotten her schedule. But I was leaving for a trip soon so thought I had to. Talked with Hector, and he said that the rules shouldn't be broken. At least not until I have them mastered.
The Date
I walked into my usual venue, and the girl’s waiting for me. Our initial hug is prolonged and full body with a cheek kiss. She looks really good. I scope out the place and it is way more packed with no space for us to sit. I tell her it’s usually not this crowded, then ask if she’s down to go somewhere else that will have more room. She’s down, so we walk.
We’re having pretty decent conversation. It’s bantery and teasing so that’s good. She makes a joke about me being a serial killer. I lean in and tell her we should go find an alley. As I do that, I step a bit away from her, then after the joke and she laughs move closer again. We talk a bit about the different dance styles we do. She dances and is very artistically oriented. Into theater, political science, etc. Hector's opinion is that my vibe needs to improve a lot here, and be much more dominant.
We reach the second bar, and I grab us seats on the couch. We sit, and she puts her coat, and her purse between us, sitting a decent distance away from me. It’s close enough to be polite, but much too far for anything really intimate. I don’t know how to call it out, but I could probably have said, “no need to be a stranger you know” with a playful vibe.
We talk and trade stories about family, traveling, and I set some non-judgmental, and exploration and meeting new people are good frames. We also talk horoscopes and she says my sign is good. I don’t notice this in the moment, but she is actually saying statements that are qualifying me-stuff like my sign is a good sign, or things I do are great. I don’t like this looking back, while it’s good she likes, her doing the qualifying is the opposite dynamic from what I want.
Share stories about family, her life moving to the US as an immigrant, her work and path she’s charted through life. She says she’s a partier and in the past was an Erasmus student in Europe. She had gone to parties and taken exams hungover. She also mentions that her mother is a strict soviet person, and that she rebelled a lot in her teenage years. This gives me the feeling she’s totally fine with casual sex as a thing, but her vibe and energy towards me makes me feel she’s evaluating me as a boyfriend.
Anyway, at some point she spills a drink on her coat, and I use the excuse to move her purse and tell her that she can move closer to me. Throughout this whole thing, we are touching, and holding hands at points, and she is actively touching me. A part of it does feel a bit calculated on her part-as if she knows what she’s doing and isn’t doing it because she wants to but because she knows it should have an effect. On this kind of girl, I think me not touching and letting her initiate it all would have been better. Sitting back down and letting my gaze and body language convey would have been the better call than touching.
At some point I do go in to pull her for a kiss, and she turns her cheek to me. I stay non-reactive.
As we finish our drinks, I do seed doing activities at my place, and she seems down. So conversation keeps going, and I do think at this point I’m probably talking more and more, and she’s making more comments that seem approving of me (bad).
I tell her let’s go grab some churros and then we’ll make some tea at mine. She says we can go for churros first and then she’ll decide. The walk is cold and we get to the churros quickly. Hector's advice is that I should not have pussyfooted the pull. I should have just taken her home. She liked my boldness, is a party girl, and is a dominant girl herself. She wanted someone unafraid, and I missed that.
At the churro spot I suggest we grab the churros to go and eat at mine, but she says she’s not coming home with me, because I’m still a stranger and she doesn’t know me. This to me is a huge signal that I haven’t deep dived right, and that I shared much more of myself than she did of herself. That’s why this objection comes.
We eat a little bit of the churros, and then we go into a deep and relatively passionate conversation about dopamine. She starts making lots of comments about living well, making mistakes, and not wanting a life with regrets. And that she’d do what she want regardless of what anyone else said. So after that, I try to pull again, saying we should probably get out of here, and that I’m going to go home and make some tea, but that I’d love for her to join me so we can keep talking.
She says she’s not coming with me, again with the same objection of not knowing me. So I don’t persist here, though I think I should have-given that I’m aware that this is really my only shot. I lacked that mindset on this date. There was a lack of urgency. Hector suggested I say something like, "well we don't have to know each other that well for what I have in mind" given that this was a do or die moment.
Anyway, on the walk to the train, we link arms and hold hands. She says that she finds me funny, smart, and interesting-and when I go for the kiss goodbye, she deflects again. I call her out slightly saying she’s a strange foreign girl, then shrug and hug her goodbye.
Main takeaways are that my frame was not good on this date. I also lacked urgency. The good was that my eye contact and gaze felt incredibly sexual, as did my body language.
Lots to learn from this girl. She was a very active listener, and nearly constantly making statements that were judging positively (qualifying) and in a way that made me want to talk more. A good habit I probably want to incorporate into myself.
Notes from Hector
I had talked in depth with Hector about this, and he told me that it's unlikely that I am putting myself in the boyfriend zone directly through my vibe. More that girls are giving me windows for fast escalation, and that by not taking them, I am actually demonstrating boyfriend behavior-and thus being disqualified as a person for fast sex.
Future steps are to get better at going after what I want.
Hector mentioned a mental model wherein I should think through the worst case, and understand the results, namely that I'll feel shitty, and judged to be not sex worthy. But after that, what? Nothing else happens. Hector wants me to internalize that to get better at playing to win, and then to also internalize just how much women love sex, and having dominant, degrading sex with a sexy, masculine guy.
FR name reason: I'm a bad burglar because I suck at breaking through windows in this FR
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