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FR  Failed date; help me see what I could have done better

lux7

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Apr 10, 2013
Messages
880
BACKGROUND
I arrive to this new city late in the afternoon. I need to sleep: I set the alarm at around 11:00 pm, get dressed and go out.
I had to force myself to go out and I am totally "in my head".
On the first approach I almost hope she won't follow me as I'm no in a social mood, but she does.

FIRST BAR
I'm brand new here, so I can't "lead the way". I tell her to bring us to some bar, she chooses which one.
She takes some money out but she was very open saying she's bumming off places to sleep from friends, so even with a not so good salary I'm order of magnitudes better off and take care of it.
All great at the bar: we bond very well. Actually maybe even too well as this will now set expectations quite high for the following time.
We sit in front of each other, no chance of touching but I don't feel it's a big issue at all at this point.

SECOND CLUB

I follow her again for directions, not great, but hard to lead when you know shit all about the place. I tell her to slow down by grabbing her and she apologies for running.
I'm quite tired.
She wants to pay but I put down 10 euros and tell her to chip in with just 1: again I feel it's for the best once I know fully well how financially wrecked she is.
Here we don't bond so much, the music is louder and much more distractions around.
She dances a couple of times, I don't.
We are physically closer though sitting side by side: I kino a bit with her hair and her shoulders.
I am still upbeat and happy, but I feel it's a step back from the first bar: there's no forward momentum, it's a bit of a feeling with crested.
Yet I somehow think the night might be young, she said it's been "such a long time she hasn't partied, she needs it", but...

FAILED PULL
... She suddenly says she has to go as she needs to get up early.
This is the first time I propose to leave to my place. Several times before I pulled a girl after she had already said she had to leave, but it was different when it happened successfully: there was already a much higher physical connection as we had already kissed most of the times and/or kinoed substantially (in spite this website suggests not to kiss/get physical).
We leave together but I don't manage to convince her to follow -and of course, if you need convincing, you haven't laid a proper foundation earlier on-.


WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE?
I thought:

-I should have danced with her to switch from bonding to fun times ;
-Should have kept talking and bonding ;
-Should have gotten more physical ;
-Should have gone for the kiss (was wary of this as way too many times I went too early for the kiss)
....
 

HellAtlantic

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jul 1, 2015
Messages
301
Re: FR - Failed date - help me out to see what I could have done better

Probably the no dancing was what did you in.

Also I would've used the loudness of the club as a reason to initiate closer proximity to her, the standard "what did you say I can't hear you" thing where the girl needs to talk into your ear or vice versa and once you're at the ear the hot breath blowing into it and being so close to the neck is what dreams are made of.
 

HellAtlantic

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jul 1, 2015
Messages
301
Re: FR - Failed date - help me out to see what I could have done better

You know, thanks for this report. The part where I pointed out the loudness of the bar routine has sparked my imagination for what I need to do to my coworker friend who I share loads of sexual tension with and go to a bar with a couple times a month. I was with her on Thursday and towards the end where we were alone at the bar I just couldn't figure out a reason/excuse to get closer to her without making it obvious. But this report helped me remember a standard and basic routine. Next time I really feel I'm gonna ramp things up and this is probably the best way to get it started. I might have to intentionally talk at a lower volume at times to give her a reason to say "what did you say?". If I'm the one who's constantly saying "what? Didn't hear you" she'd think I was partially deaf lol. I just need to remember to lay off the alcohol a tad more and perhaps not smoke weed, it makes me very introspective and takes away a lot of my hunter vibe.
 
you miss 100% of the shots you don't take

Prehistoric

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Dec 17, 2013
Messages
172
Re: FR - Failed date - help me out to see what I could have done better

"WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE?
I thought:

-I should have danced with her to switch from bonding to fun times ;
-Should have kept talking and bonding ;
-Should have gotten more physical ;
-Should have gone for the kiss (was wary of this as way too many times I went too early for the kiss)"


I had a very logistically similar experience yesterday (I posted it on my journal), with the difference that I did get physical and I did kiss her. Still I wasn't able to bring her home so I guess the last two solutions you proposed aren't necessarily the right ones.

Her behaviour was identical to your story. Until a point she was having a lot of fun and then she suddenly started saying she had to go home.

Right now I am thinking
1) I should have avoided the club altogether
2) I should deep dived again after kissing, before trying the pull
3) (the most likely) I just missed some escalation windows, she got self-conscious and put her walls up.

You're right that, if you need to "convince" her to go home with you (which is different than persisting) then you're already losing.

Maybe we both need to work more on recognising escalation windows.
 
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