FR Failed escalation on first date

[Beam]

30/1/20

Failed to escalate properly on a first date with a pretty girl just now. I think I know where it went wrong:

Met for drinks at a rooftop bar, but it was one 30 minutes away from my place since that was closer to her (she lived far away). So.. not my comfortable spot and definitely harder to pull (all my first date lays have been at a date location within 10 minutes of mine). Had two drinks here. At some points she made a comment about having something in her mouth - I stared at her with a grin and knowing look and she burst out laughing. At another point she mentioned spitting instead of swallowing (she had to eat an onion for a play she performed in but got to spit it out). I was too afraid to make a joke about this...

Asked her if she had had anything to eat - she said no, found out she was vegan so we scouted out good vegan places to eat nearby - there was one a 5 minute walk away.

We go there, I initiate some playful kino along the way.

Once at the place, there is a table near the window with two plates on opposite ends. Thought for a split second on just naturally grabbing one of the plates to one side and sitting next to her, but nice guy'd out and sat opposite her. This was a mistake. Don't know why I did this since I've never gotten a negative reaction from sitting myself down next to the girl like this before.

I could feel the separation. Even though the conversation was good, there were certain pauses where we looked into each others eyes where I knew if I'd been sitting closer to her would have been the perfect time to escalate more. The window passed. There was no sex talk, still need to read Aleks article.

Once done with dinner, she mentioned that she had to get going soon - I told her to stay for one more drink (there was a nice bar upstairs). She agreed. We went up there, I took this opportunity to sit next to her, and brushed our legs together. She owed me a drink, so went up to the bar to get it and one for her as well- when she came back she sat opposite me. Talked platonically for half an hour more before she said she had to get going. Left the bar, hugged goodbye and that was it.

Will try to get her out again closer to my place but not liking my chances.

Summary:
Avoid sitting opposite her from the second venue onwards, be bolder.

Sex talk. I'm finding that I'm more uncomfortable talking about it the more experienced the girl seems. Seems counterintuitive, but it seems like if I start talking about it she'll know more than me so might catch me out? I'm not sure, probably irrational.

Snippets of conversation we had were filled with innuendo (the spitting vs swallowing comment for instance) but I was too afraid to make a joke out of it...

Will probably post more insights in the morning when I'm not exhausted.

 

[Fuck This]

STM I think your analysis is probably spot on. If I can get a girl on a walk I can usually discern her comfort with kino. Walking arm in arm is rare enough these days that it is novel. Side hug to reward compliance, when I reach a hand out there will usually be a instinctive grasp of it especially if the footing is tricky or going up a step etc.

I always sit next to my target "So I can hear you better" then joke about eating off of her plate. Works real well to sit on the right side of a left hander.
If you have a second date and can grab portable food and sit on a park bench together you might be able to do that kino and stuff. But having it closer to one of your bedrooms would be optimal. Seppuku's cooking date is gold for that. Especially since you share a taste for a unique cuisine.

 

[Beam]

FT, good insights. I've realized that I am more reluctant to do playful stuff like walking arm in arm with girls who seem more experienced and mature (this girl was like that, she was one year older than me too) because I feel like I'm coming of as immature in her eyes, which is of course ridiculous because the very act of doing this shows you are comfortable and demonstrates way more confidence and experience than she probably has. For the ones I see as silly and cute it's easy but for these ones I find it harder to do so.

Will have to look into Seppuku's cooking date, I'm not familiar with it.

 

[Fuck This]

Will have to look into Seppuku's cooking date, I'm not familiar with it.

Invite her to your place to cook a meal together. about 90% of his second date LR's have this component

 

[Beam]

Invite her to your place to cook a meal together. about 90% of his second date LR's have this component

She texted me first the day after the date saying she had a good time. Will try this out and report back.

 

[Beam]

Ok, so I suggested recreating one of the vegan dishes (which were really damn good) we had on the night out and outdoing the restaurant. She responded saying that sounded fun but that we should do dinner and a movie first, because we "need to do more extensive vegan chicken subsitute research before we attempt our own". I was just going to follow a recipe and didn't consider that angle of making it up completely, that backfired. But hey she still wants to come out. I don't like the idea of dinner and a movie though so will suggest something else.

 

[Fuck This]

If you have a job dealing with the public it is always believable to say "Man I'm just peopled out this week. I could use a quiet night at home. YOu are welcome to join me if you would like."

 

[Beam]

If you have a job dealing with the public it is always believable to say "Man I'm just peopled out this week. I could use a quiet night at home. YOu are welcome to join me if you would like."

Unfortunately I don't, my job involves sitting in front of a compute all day (Engineer). So, I told her "how can we do vegan substitute research while watching a movie " but agreed to dinner - at a vegan restaurant near her place. This might be a good opportunity to invite myself over to hers (I won't be able to drink though because I have to be up very early and not hungover the next day)

I also have a similar field report from just now - thought it would be better to put it in this thread to not clog up the board and also because it's similar to the topic anyway (another date with no kiss close, but I did escalate).

Another cute chick from Hinge

This one looked nerdy in her photos but I could tell she was one of those hot librarian types - and I was right when she arrived! (at my usual spot 10 minutes from mine). She drove and had a time limit so as not to get a ticket where she'd parked. This didn't give us much time (1 hr 40)

Started by sitting opposite each other. Made light chit chat then I suggested getting a drink. She offered to pay with a smile. We went back and talked some more, mainly about her work. I could tell she was getting a little bored. She asked me who I lived with, then the conversation moved to housemates - I asked her to tell me her worst roommate story - led to a convo about a guy in Spain who would bring back three different girls a week for months and how annoying it was. This was a good transition point! I started talking about how I could hear my housemates having sex - but this girl was talking more about how annoying it was and that she hated it. I didn't know how to lead the conversation towards sex itself to make her imagine us having sex in a non "I see what he's doing" way.

The convo lead to PDAs, we talked about overt PDAs and how we hated them. Mentally noted this down, then suggested another drink. She agreed. Good sign considering she was driving.

Went to get it them on my own, came back and sat right next to her (not making the mistake of sitting opposite her again), saying the tables were too far apart. Talked some more before I brought up PDAs again. Asked her what she thought about subtle PDAs like the leg touch under the table. As I said this I brushed my leg against hers. She said "as long as it's subtle it's ok". I said "Like this?" and put my leg right up on her lap. She laughed and said that was too obvious. She also started talking about how she was uncomfortable being touched by people she barely knew, like a gym partner of hers who would hold on to her a little too long (but she later found out that he did that to everyone). This wasn't said in a "don't touch me like that again" tone though! I don't think she minded me touching her, she didn't seem uncomfortable. I've realized, now I've got sitting next to her down to a science (go for a drink or toilet and come back and sit next to her) the next step is to get a kiss after this down to a science and not to rely on me having to go closer and closer to her (me chasing)

Deep dived some more and found out she does not think long term, is afraid of commitment and will probably be living in another country within a year, then started talking about nieces and nephews and what getting old was like. She just turned 29 and was a little anxious about the fact that all her friends were getting married and having kids and that she'd always imagined she would as well, but now she's not sure if she wants them anymore. I tried being understanding and lifting her up by saying it wasn't that big of a deal. But I'm not sure how well that was working. We chatted some more, I kept very close to her, after a while her alarm went off to get to her car but she stayed for a bit longer. When we left, we were headed in different directions. She said it was nice meeting me with a giggle but we didn't hug or kiss goodbye or anything and parted ways.

Interesting case. Not sure whether this girl was not attracted to me or whether she was just uncomfortable with a lot of physical contact so soon. Will keep pushing to find out because she's pretty hot.

 

[Derek da man]

Just some observations on your Cute Chick from Hinge report

She asked me who I lived with,

- sounds like she's checking out your logistics

She just turned 29 and was a little anxious about the fact that all her friends were getting married and having kids and that she'd always imagined she would as well, but now she's not sure if she wants them anymore

- sounds like a test but you need to work out the answer she is looking for or more importantly what she is not looking for. If you answer you do or don't you could mess up things if she wants different. I think your response was good as long as you didn't commit yourself one way or another.

 

[Beam]

I didn't commit myself - my position was actually similar to hers. I used to think I had to have kids, but now I don't mind and can see myself without them. I would prefer to have them, but it's not a big deal if I don't anymore. She agreed 100%