Feeling and projecting your desire

[Smith]

Hey guys,

This is something I've recently realized that is pretty important. It's hard to put it into words. But looking back at all my dates, I found that some dates end up being platonic even if I crack a lot of sexual jokes, and some dates end up being romantic/sexual when I barely did anything other than having what-seems-like a genuine conversation. The crucial difference I found was actually my desire for her. Now you might ask...why wouldn't you feel any desire for an attractive girl? well I think there's a lot of factors behind that, e.g. how tired/horny you are and what you look for in a girl besides her look. I have had dates/interactions when I was initially attracted to the girl, but after talking to her I just don't feel anything towards her. I found that when I'm in this sexual state on a date, I'm not even worrying about verbally stating my intent because it just comes out pretty naturally and I trust that she gets the signal my body is telling her. It almost put you and her in a trance like you're creating a movie together.

I found the best way to get yourself in this "state"/vibe or whatever you want to call it is to meditate before your date. Letting go of any attached outcome and just be present to the moment. Once you've done that, for me, I would ask myself if I really desire her. If the answer is yes, I would embrace that feeling and let everything flow during the date. If the answer is no, don't force it. Still have fun and give her a chance to seduce you. If you suddenly have that feeling that you just want to grab her and kiss her during the date, then embrace it. Let your body and thousand of years of evolution do the work. Sexy eye contact /voice/smile comes easier when you're in this state.
Hope this helps and I'm curious if anyone has experience the same thing too.
Cheers.

 

[ray_zorse]

I had a problem recently that I liked a girl's looks but I was unhappy with her behaviour on the date. Invited a friend without asking me... made no real effort to find me in the cafe, just treated it as a hangout with her friend... used me for help with a job application... spent a lot of time fiddling with her phone... saying she'd have to leave to do this or that... answering my questions about her pleasantly and politely but not offering much extra information or asking anything about me... so I was left with the sense I didn't really get what her passions were if any... so even though I pulled her home, I didn't make a move because I didn't really like her that much.

I tried to get her involved in some fun activities which she refused to do. Mistakes I made were basically in being too generous with my time and attention, although I don't THINK I went totally overboard on this, I didn't act needy as far as I can figure out, but on the other hand it might have looked chasey to her, I'm not too sure. I didn't sexualize anything or use any strong eye contact. although I used my normal amount of touch and leading.

Overall I think I made the right decision in not escalating (except at the end there was some issue about kissing her goodbye, she refused compliance on this although I later did it anyway, she might have thought this was escalation, even though I was actually just being friendly), because her behaviour wasn't attractive and didn't engender any sexual desire in me... but I've been upset about the date ever since and feeling very unattractive, is this just because of her looks? I'm a bit puzzled, seem to have lost my frame as a high value man and a scarce resource that women desire here. Since I liked her looks, maybe it would've been more honest to escalate?

Alternatively, maybe if I had been able to get into more of a frame of desiring her (as you suggest) this might have inspired something reciprocal on her part? Or maybe I'm upset because I didn't use the bored look and so on?

Ray

 

[Smith]

Hey Ray,

Overall I think I made the right decision in not escalating (except at the end there was some issue about kissing her goodbye, she refused compliance on this although I later did it anyway, she might have thought this was escalation, even though I was actually just being friendly), because her behaviour wasn't attractive and didn't engender any sexual desire in me... but I've been upset about the date ever since and feeling very unattractive, is this just because of her looks? I'm a bit puzzled, seem to have lost my frame as a high value man and a scarce resource that women desire here. Since I liked her looks, maybe it would've been more honest to escalate?

Alternatively, maybe if I had been able to get into more of a frame of desiring her (as you suggest) this might have inspired something reciprocal on her part? Or maybe I'm upset because I didn't use the bored look and so on?

It sounds like you're upset because her behaviour was disrepectful, and if any girl do that to me, it would kill my boner as well. This reminds me of a girl who kept texting during the date and didn't contribute to the conversation. She was pretty cute, your typical gorgeous Vietnamese girl....but I lost all attraction for her when she's barely engaging in the conversation. Tried the bored look...etc, but she's still in love with her phone. I was pretty upset and was wondering whether I should stick around and kept trying but I ended the date quickly and went chat up more girls. Probably the best decision ever made because I needed to set my boundary hard. If I had stick around and let her kept doing her shit until she ended the date, I would feel even less of a man.

In your case, I got the same feeling that you're upset because your boundary is being pushed and you didn't tell her what you won't tolerate when she disrespected you => hence you feel like you lost your frame as a high value man. You also said it yourself..."I didn't make a move because I didn't really like her that much". so you didn't really desire her imo. Sure you can rationalize it now that maybe you should have escalated because of her looks, but in that moment you just weren't feeling it right?

From my experience, that feeling of desire kinda has to go both way between you and the girl. If I had to break it down into details (which would be over analyzing it a bit), you meet the girl at the cafe. You see her, you get this rush of feeling inside your buddy. It's almost like the feeling you get when you see a romantic movie and the sexy guy meet the cute girl. The tension is there. You're just relaxed. You put your arm on her back as you walked her to a table. She leans into you slightly. You start to feel aroused. Now you start to get to know her and exchanged a few laughters as you tease her what a terrible ex-wife she would be if u guys get divorced. There's no hint of neediness or try-hardness because you're just grounded on what you're feeling right now - your unconditional desire for her. So maybe it could've work on this girl...but she was inviting a friend too, so I doubt her intention was even sexual/romantically based from the beginning. Going against your feeling and escalate on her may work (?) but from my experience, escalating on a girl you don't really feel any desire for is really not worth it. Sure it'll give you ego a boost, but after that you probably just wanna kick her out. That's not a pleasant experience for both parties lol