Bear with me guys, this is a complicated one, I hope I'll be able to tell it the way it went down as closely as possible and maybe someone has some good advice for me. I'm not a native English speaker, so excuse the grammatical errors or bad wording.
A couple months ago I've started talking to a girl online that I went to high school with, almost 20 years ago. We're both 37 but both much younger at heart, we're both a bit crazy too. I always liked her but in school I was a bit of a loser when it came to girls, we hung out a couple times, but never got together.
When we started talking again, it became very intense very quickly, in only a matter of days. I asked her if she liked me back in high school, told her I did, but thought I screwed up back then. Turns out she liked me as well! On and off for years, said she should have been more pushy... After only a few days we got into romantic fantasies and started talking about meeting up. She's very much into spiritualism and said we were soulmates (of which I'm not sure, honestly). She told me after a few days of chatting, before we even met, "I want to live in your soul". I was surprised by the level of affection she had for me. She usually goes to bed at 9 or 10, but would wait for me for hours to come online, at one time we chatted for about six hours, until 4 in the morning, on a weekday. She said out of the guys she ever knew, I was the only one to almost "check all the boxes on her checklist" when it comes to personal qualities and interests (besides cars, she's really into cars, me, not that much)
Now, there are a few things that make this a bit difficult, but we didn't care. One, I moved away from the town we both grew up in, the town she still lives in, it's only 120 miles away though, and I can work from there, so not a big deal. But...two, she is married now. With a small child. She has no romantic relationship with the husband anymore, they haven't had any of that for years, said she thought about leaving him years ago, but because of the kid, and in part because of the financial security, she wouldn't. She still likes him, but only as a friend, nothing more. Even before meeting each other again we both kinda started daydreaming of a life together...things were insanely intense. She wanted to chase me away at times though, said I shouldn't want her, she's fat now (she's not), she's married and all.
We met, kissed on the first date, met four times in four days, and were both very happy. Started coming up with crazy plans on how we could meet more, have romantic weekends, even spend a week-long vacation on the beach together! I had to travel four hours a week, but didn't mind. We met about ten times in a month, it was great. We didn't get to having sex yet, not that we didn't both want to, but most of the time had to meet either somewhere outside of town (so her friends don't see us) or in the office she works in (works there alone). We were stealing hours... I know it wasn't easy for her, had to come up with excuses in front of the husband, even though they haven't been together romantically for a long time, it's not an open marriage and she didn't want to make it that way (I did suggest that she try). The only person that knew about us was her best (girl)friend.
All in all, it was a bit hard, a little bitter at times (because of the husband thing), but more happiness than hardship/bitterness. We thought we'll fall in love for sure and then see what happens, once things turn really serious, maybe she could move to my town, move in with me with the child, but decided not to make any concrete plans just now, we were not there yet. We knew it was a crazy idea because of her marital status, but we were crazy about the whole thing. She still wanted to chase me away from her a little bit at times, kinda semi-jokingly, thought I deserved better than a woman with a husband and child, but I persisted. We were planning on spending a weekend together, she and her best friend would go on an excursion, the three of us would go together, I'd finally meet one of her friends, and they would sleep at my place. Also, she has a work project coming up, she'll probably have to work from a town much nearer to me for a few weeks, she'd work there during the day, come see me after work and sleep with me (essentially move in with me, if only for a few weeks...for now).
And then...last week something strange happened. We were chatting during work and she mentioned she couldn't concentrate, she was "bedazzled". I was obviously curious and asked what she was talking about. She said it was a guy from the work dinner yesterday night... I called her up immediately asking "What are you talking about?", she was hesitant to say, but I pulled the entire story out of her. Turns out she had a serious crush on a guy last December, they met a couple times due to work, but never for personal reasons, the guy didn't even know of her feelings, he was "unapproachable" to her. Not sure what she meant, but sounded like a guy of fairly high financial/social status, he also lives in a different town (she says the guy is not married). This crush was so serious and painful for her that she couldn't even really sleep for a month. I was surprised that she didn't tell me about this before, this only happened a couple months ago, she told me of all her past relationships, even the ones from 20 years ago and seemed to be pretty honest about things overall. She said she didn't want to say because I'd think she has these "dark secrets" and it wouldn't have been any good if she told me anyway.
So now that she met this guy after a few months, she became obsessed with her again. Which was made even stranger by the fact that I thought she was really, really obsessed with me...but it looks like what she felt and now feels again for him is even deeper than what she felt for me. Much deeper, she says. All of a sudden it became "You're a really nice guy, funny, intelligent, handsome, but this other guy...he literally lives in my cells". I asked her "What about soulmates?" She said she still feels like we're soulmates, but her feelings towards that other guy are stronger than everything else. As you can imagine, this was quite the blow for me. She said she'd rather not see me for a few weeks, she's confused, will try to suppress that emotion, they will have to work together (mostly phone/mail, occasionally meet as well, but not just the two of them) for a few weeks, and we'll probably meet again afterwards. I was shocked, but still thought she was stilll very much into me as well, she doesn't want that other feeling, she may be able to forget it fully if she really wants to. I know, this was stupid of me, but that's what I thought.
Not seeing her on the weekend was hard, but we did continue chatting just like before. Except that we avoided romantic topics. This Monday I wanted to discuss things a bit more, and that's when the second shock came. She was hesitant to talk about the whole thing at first, but opened up quickly. She said that all of a sudden, her romantic feelings towards me were gone! She doesn't know why and she's really sorry, but it happened somehow... It all started to lose sense to me completely. She stopped trying to suppress her emotions towards the other guy as it made her feel miserable, now she just "lets it flow" and since then she's been having pleasant feelings (in general). She also said that she already knows when a relationship begins whether it's going to work or not, her husband, for example, was always more of a friend, not pure love, and it didn't work out, and I wasn't pure love for her either. I really thought I was.
I myself am not in love with her (yet), under these circumstances and the uncertainty due to the marriage thing and meeting in secret...wasn't the ideal breeding ground for love. But I really, really like her, we have a lot of things in common, I think we are a great match, and if we could spend more time together, I'm sure I would fall in love.
Yesterday she told me her best friend's theory about this (the only person who knows about both that guy and myself). Her friend believes that this guy left a lot of unfulfilled love in her heart after those 1–2 months of her suppressing those strong feelings, and when she met me after all these years, obviously we've always liked each other, and she started pouring out/projecting that love she had in her heart onto me. And now that this guy is back, it could have "sucked those emotions back from me".
I don't know if this might be true, I'd like to think she only put her feelings towards me on the shelf subconsciously to make way for her feelings for that other guy, but it's still there, just buried for now. I don't know what to believe anymore. We keep talking, we still say "Good morning" to each other via chat every day, call each other and talk for an hour, care about what the other person is doing, how their day goes, it goes both ways. We just don't talk about romantic things now.
What do you think? Could her friend's theory be true? Did she subconsciously bury her feelings towards me, or did they really disappear? Have you ever heard of or experienced anything like this? Any advice as to what I could do to win her heart back? Even the smallest useful tidbit would be much appreciated. (Just don't say "Forget it, it's not worth it", I've heard that advice before, and that's not what I want.)
A couple months ago I've started talking to a girl online that I went to high school with, almost 20 years ago. We're both 37 but both much younger at heart, we're both a bit crazy too. I always liked her but in school I was a bit of a loser when it came to girls, we hung out a couple times, but never got together.
When we started talking again, it became very intense very quickly, in only a matter of days. I asked her if she liked me back in high school, told her I did, but thought I screwed up back then. Turns out she liked me as well! On and off for years, said she should have been more pushy... After only a few days we got into romantic fantasies and started talking about meeting up. She's very much into spiritualism and said we were soulmates (of which I'm not sure, honestly). She told me after a few days of chatting, before we even met, "I want to live in your soul". I was surprised by the level of affection she had for me. She usually goes to bed at 9 or 10, but would wait for me for hours to come online, at one time we chatted for about six hours, until 4 in the morning, on a weekday. She said out of the guys she ever knew, I was the only one to almost "check all the boxes on her checklist" when it comes to personal qualities and interests (besides cars, she's really into cars, me, not that much)
Now, there are a few things that make this a bit difficult, but we didn't care. One, I moved away from the town we both grew up in, the town she still lives in, it's only 120 miles away though, and I can work from there, so not a big deal. But...two, she is married now. With a small child. She has no romantic relationship with the husband anymore, they haven't had any of that for years, said she thought about leaving him years ago, but because of the kid, and in part because of the financial security, she wouldn't. She still likes him, but only as a friend, nothing more. Even before meeting each other again we both kinda started daydreaming of a life together...things were insanely intense. She wanted to chase me away at times though, said I shouldn't want her, she's fat now (she's not), she's married and all.
We met, kissed on the first date, met four times in four days, and were both very happy. Started coming up with crazy plans on how we could meet more, have romantic weekends, even spend a week-long vacation on the beach together! I had to travel four hours a week, but didn't mind. We met about ten times in a month, it was great. We didn't get to having sex yet, not that we didn't both want to, but most of the time had to meet either somewhere outside of town (so her friends don't see us) or in the office she works in (works there alone). We were stealing hours... I know it wasn't easy for her, had to come up with excuses in front of the husband, even though they haven't been together romantically for a long time, it's not an open marriage and she didn't want to make it that way (I did suggest that she try). The only person that knew about us was her best (girl)friend.
All in all, it was a bit hard, a little bitter at times (because of the husband thing), but more happiness than hardship/bitterness. We thought we'll fall in love for sure and then see what happens, once things turn really serious, maybe she could move to my town, move in with me with the child, but decided not to make any concrete plans just now, we were not there yet. We knew it was a crazy idea because of her marital status, but we were crazy about the whole thing. She still wanted to chase me away from her a little bit at times, kinda semi-jokingly, thought I deserved better than a woman with a husband and child, but I persisted. We were planning on spending a weekend together, she and her best friend would go on an excursion, the three of us would go together, I'd finally meet one of her friends, and they would sleep at my place. Also, she has a work project coming up, she'll probably have to work from a town much nearer to me for a few weeks, she'd work there during the day, come see me after work and sleep with me (essentially move in with me, if only for a few weeks...for now).
And then...last week something strange happened. We were chatting during work and she mentioned she couldn't concentrate, she was "bedazzled". I was obviously curious and asked what she was talking about. She said it was a guy from the work dinner yesterday night... I called her up immediately asking "What are you talking about?", she was hesitant to say, but I pulled the entire story out of her. Turns out she had a serious crush on a guy last December, they met a couple times due to work, but never for personal reasons, the guy didn't even know of her feelings, he was "unapproachable" to her. Not sure what she meant, but sounded like a guy of fairly high financial/social status, he also lives in a different town (she says the guy is not married). This crush was so serious and painful for her that she couldn't even really sleep for a month. I was surprised that she didn't tell me about this before, this only happened a couple months ago, she told me of all her past relationships, even the ones from 20 years ago and seemed to be pretty honest about things overall. She said she didn't want to say because I'd think she has these "dark secrets" and it wouldn't have been any good if she told me anyway.
So now that she met this guy after a few months, she became obsessed with her again. Which was made even stranger by the fact that I thought she was really, really obsessed with me...but it looks like what she felt and now feels again for him is even deeper than what she felt for me. Much deeper, she says. All of a sudden it became "You're a really nice guy, funny, intelligent, handsome, but this other guy...he literally lives in my cells". I asked her "What about soulmates?" She said she still feels like we're soulmates, but her feelings towards that other guy are stronger than everything else. As you can imagine, this was quite the blow for me. She said she'd rather not see me for a few weeks, she's confused, will try to suppress that emotion, they will have to work together (mostly phone/mail, occasionally meet as well, but not just the two of them) for a few weeks, and we'll probably meet again afterwards. I was shocked, but still thought she was stilll very much into me as well, she doesn't want that other feeling, she may be able to forget it fully if she really wants to. I know, this was stupid of me, but that's what I thought.
Not seeing her on the weekend was hard, but we did continue chatting just like before. Except that we avoided romantic topics. This Monday I wanted to discuss things a bit more, and that's when the second shock came. She was hesitant to talk about the whole thing at first, but opened up quickly. She said that all of a sudden, her romantic feelings towards me were gone! She doesn't know why and she's really sorry, but it happened somehow... It all started to lose sense to me completely. She stopped trying to suppress her emotions towards the other guy as it made her feel miserable, now she just "lets it flow" and since then she's been having pleasant feelings (in general). She also said that she already knows when a relationship begins whether it's going to work or not, her husband, for example, was always more of a friend, not pure love, and it didn't work out, and I wasn't pure love for her either. I really thought I was.
I myself am not in love with her (yet), under these circumstances and the uncertainty due to the marriage thing and meeting in secret...wasn't the ideal breeding ground for love. But I really, really like her, we have a lot of things in common, I think we are a great match, and if we could spend more time together, I'm sure I would fall in love.
Yesterday she told me her best friend's theory about this (the only person who knows about both that guy and myself). Her friend believes that this guy left a lot of unfulfilled love in her heart after those 1–2 months of her suppressing those strong feelings, and when she met me after all these years, obviously we've always liked each other, and she started pouring out/projecting that love she had in her heart onto me. And now that this guy is back, it could have "sucked those emotions back from me".
I don't know if this might be true, I'd like to think she only put her feelings towards me on the shelf subconsciously to make way for her feelings for that other guy, but it's still there, just buried for now. I don't know what to believe anymore. We keep talking, we still say "Good morning" to each other via chat every day, call each other and talk for an hour, care about what the other person is doing, how their day goes, it goes both ways. We just don't talk about romantic things now.
What do you think? Could her friend's theory be true? Did she subconsciously bury her feelings towards me, or did they really disappear? Have you ever heard of or experienced anything like this? Any advice as to what I could do to win her heart back? Even the smallest useful tidbit would be much appreciated. (Just don't say "Forget it, it's not worth it", I've heard that advice before, and that's not what I want.)
