First Date with girl: Some general questions

[LichtenbergFigures]

Hello all

So I'm going on a date with a girl tomorrow - nothing fancy, dinner at a casual Italian, but somewhere neither of us have been before so it'll be an experience for us both in its own right.

My questions really are, what are the best ways to go about making your intentions clear from the outset, so that you don't get pushed into the friendzone territory? Obviously deep-diving, getting her to open up and injecting sexuality into the conversation, and taking advantage of any escalation window. Is it worth going in with a certain mindset and plan of attack? My idea was to deep-dive, get to really know her and open up, try and inject something sexual (probably my weakest area), and then afterwards move back to her place as it's logistically closer. Any tips?

I've read the "Should you pay for a date" article and I think I'll just go with whatever happens. She comes across from the little lead-up conversation we've had like someone who would split the bill, but its not an issue I'd want to force. I see it as being if two people are into each other and enjoying each other's company, then who pays is probably irrelevant.

My one concern is, she has already offered to drive me home (as I'm useless and I don't) - does this already suggest she may be friendzoning me or is it too early to read into? I would never have asked this of her or expected it, of course. I'm very used to the bus!

Any other tips and tricks I can utilise? (there's probably dozens of articles to read, but this website is vast!)

Many thanks
Colin

 

[ray_zorse]

Well the first thing to note is that you should be trying to employ some sexual frames BEFORE asking her out, because it's important she know why you're interested and what your intentions are when accepting the date. I think if she accepted a one-on-one date at a restaurant with you, then probably you are on the same page already? It depends how you went about it though. Next thing, when she arrives, go for a kiss on the cheek (this might not work so well if she is muslim or from some asian countries so you'll have to use judgement, you can always put your hand on her shoulder and see how she reacts and then go in for the kiss if you think indications are good). Then tell her she looks absolutely stunning and compliment something about her outfit or perhaps her eye makeup or something of that nature. This will help to get things off on the right foot. Ordinary boring conversation will suffice at that point (how was her day..what kind of work does she do..etc) and this will give you and her some minutes to relax into things, as well as some information to work with. Examples:
-- she says she is a hairdresser..you say "i bet you must have some amazing conversations in the chair...if a really cute guy came in and started flirting with you, could you concentrate and cut his hair straight??"
-- she says she gave a presentation at work..you say "i bet you were totally impressive...what would you do if a totally hunky client started flirting with you, could you be evil and use it to make the sale?? or would you just take him home with you and to hell with the sale??!"
-- she says she works on reception at a hotel..you say "wow, you must meet every kind of person...what do you think of foreign guys, are they sexy? what do the guests get up to in the nights anyway? lots of hanky panky i imagine?"
-- she says she works in a bowling alley..you say "wow, i bet the customers are pretty bowled over just meeting you...not that you would take advantage i'm sure...except for the occasional free game if he's totally hunky right?"
-- she says she went shopping for food..you say "wow...are you going to cook something totally decadent and indulgent and well...sexy? what would be the sexiest food you could possibly eat? oysters...chocolate...oysters AND chocolate?"
you get the idea...no matter what she says it can lead to sex somehow. Note where I've put "..." I'm basically just free associating...these examples are really silly and she's totally just going to laugh and continue saying what she was saying...unless she has a relevant sexual story to share with you. The idea is simply to introduce sex into the conversation so that she knows you're a sexual man and so she will be comfortable doing the same. At least this works for me.

In the deep diving phase you can get a little less silly and more on target (perhaps a little chase framing rather than just sexual framing generally)... e.g. "why did you choose to learn Italian rather than, say, German? was it because of all those hunky latin lovers in the class?!" or "why did you end up choosing music over finance in the end? was it because you couldn't trust yourself around all those hunky guys in spectacles in accounting class??!" or "when you decided to give up that job and go travelling, was it because you were bored with the quality of men in your life? i bet things improved very quickly..." or "what made you decide to travel around Europe alone, I guess if you met a hunky guy in a bar you'd be totally a free agent right?!"...you can also use situational stuff especially with chase frames that refer to yourself specifically..."you're not just flirting with me so i'll stay and eat a naughty dessert with you are you?!" or "when you look at me like that i could swear you're planning to kidnap me back to yours and have your wicked way with me... should i worry?!" or "i just noticed you're wearing a sexy perfume...i hope it's not a secret weapon to remove ALL my defenses?!"... etc. Again, pretty over the top. But safe to get out if the chemistry is established and you're going for the pull I would say. I hope that helps. I find it difficult too but possibly starting to get into my stride. The above style works for me.

As to the paying for the date. DO NOT DO IT. When you order, just ask her, "half and half?" Simple as that. Otherwise you'll come across as weak and supplicating.

As to the offering to drive you home, it's a value offering. Don't dismiss it. Reward her. And when you get there, make sure she comes inside for a coffee. Wouldn't this be easier than going for the unknown logistics of her place?

cheers, Ray

 

[LichtenbergFigures]

Thank you for all of the advice Ray. You're right in that setting sexual frames before asking her on the date may have been very beneficial, but as you say, that she agreed to a one-on-one date could well be telling anyway. She does eat out a lot - who with, whether it's lots of different men, I don't know - but when I asked her she was taken aback with a "Oh! Wow! Yes!" kind of response. I'd rather not read too much into it though. The way I asked her was to say I wanted to get out and experience more restaurants in the area, but suggested this would be far more fun with the company of a beautiful woman, i.e. her. Whether or not that was something I should or should not have said, I don't know, but it was at that point she'd offered to drive me home afterwards. We discussed restaurants after that - she's been to quite a lot - but settled on this Italian place because neither of us had been. Again, no idea if that's a good or bad thing.

Love all those sexual framing examples. Very clever - I hope I can implement them in some way. I do believe she works in an office somewhere, so maybe I can turn that into her being a sexy secretary and it must be impossible for anyone to get any work done when she's around.

I am hoping she has an interesting side to her. She is known as a bit of a party girl, going out every weekend, but with her obvious love of different foods I'm hoping there are sides to her that most people never see. As I say, our prior conversations have only been very brief.

I'll go with the half and half, or at least just see what happens. We actually agreed on this place because it was much cheaper than some of the other restaurants, so it suggested to me she either didn't like the idea of me spending to much on her, or in her mind already knew she'd be paying half so wanted to keep costs down.

Going back to her place was because its 5mins away and she lives alone, whereas I live 30mins away with a flatmate, who would be there. The other reason is, if we leave the restaurant on a high and it feels like its on, I don't then want this huge 30 minute gap because I just feel that any escalation window would die during the drive. I'm not saying its impossible to keep her interested all the way to mine, but if it is on, it makes logical sense to me to make it happen as soon as possible.