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- Jun 16, 2013
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Hey guys, been a while since I've really posted, hope your all well. I wanted to see if I could get some input as to if I'm reading this situation right and also get some feedback on my plan to address this mix up I had with my girl.
I'll try to make this brief. Let's call my girl "Muffin" for the sake of this post.
Muffin is a girl I quasi dated from Summer - Winter of 2014 (basically we were neighbors and spent a ton of time together, couldn't get together because she was underage at the time, eventually turned 18 and we hooked up in Dec. 2014 right before I left for college in Jan 2015).
She has invested A TON emotionally into me and expended a ton of effort chasing me and I always kept in touch with her since I left for college. Due to my being older, wiser, more experienced I've always had issues dialing down my value with her (she's not very ambitious, purposeful, as secure/confident as me, etc.). I've sent her to the brink of auto-rejection like a bazzillion times in the past it seems but always managed to recover, so hopefully this is business as usual and I can learn to knock it off and stop over building my value in the future if I can salvage this.
I recently moved to a city closer by to where she lives and got a call from her last Saturday telling me she was in town and I suggested she come see me. Been 2 years since we last seen each other.
What Happened
(*NOTE: I detail our touch during this interaction as Chase says proximity/physicality are key to getting out of auto-rejection)
She showed up to my house with a friend. I let them in and led them to the couch. We put some music on and talk, there is some awkward silence (I was actually kinda nervous for reasons I'll explain below) but we eventually start chatting. At this point in time I touch Muffins leg here and there while I speak (a bit shy to touch aggressively, again I'll explain below), and I also touch her friends leg but give her less attention and touch her in more of a building comfort way.
Muffins friend is very pleasant and fun. Muffin herself though is very aloof, quiet, and rather cold which struck me as odd because I figured she'd be excited to see me. (Good chance she came to my house halfway in autorejection to begin with... story of my life with this girl)
I inquire a bit and she says she's tired, which I take at face value and assume she's just sleepy/grumpy. I grab some essential oil and rub it into her neck and wrists to wake her up and then do the same to her friend just to be friendly and include my girls friend in the fun.
At one point we are talking and I play with muffins hair and then put my arm around her leg but am a bit cautious to over touch her.
I cringe to admit I was stupid enough to do this but next I proceed to make many conversational Autorejection inducing mistakes in the form of A) over teasing Muffin, B) bluntly stating I don't like X song she suggested, C) made fun of a girl with daddy issues (Muffin has daddy issues) D) indirectly stating high value things about myself. I feel as if I'm auto-rejecting her a bit and stiff arming her to protect my own ego (again for reasons I will denote below).
Muffin retreats into her shell more and auto-rejects. I continue to misread the situation thinking she's in on my shenanigans with me but is just tired/grumpy.
There were a few good moments where we exchanged some fun eye contact and energy and a few times I made her laugh. We'll say 50% dialing up my value too high and 50% good vibes.
At one point I offer them drinks. I tell Muffin to lay down and rest while me and her friend make drinks. We come back and I sit down next to Muffin (who's laying down) and caress her a bit and put my hand on Muffin. She proceeds to take a picture of me and her and plays with funny filters making me look like a wuss. We both laugh.
Next I get Muffin to sit up and lay down in my lap. I caress her a bit but still don't give her as much attention physically I feel I should've.
Muffin sits up, I remove most of touch but proximity remains close. We talk about plans for the evening. Muffin is ultra vague and aloof about making plans for later. Muffins friend continues to urge making plans for later in a positive direction for all of us to get together. Muffin is aloof and I'm still not realizing she's auto-rejecting.
Muffin announces they have to leave to go get dinner with her family. I tell the girls I really enjoyed seeing Muffin again and enjoyed their company and hope we can meet up later after dinner. Muffin has a blank expression, muffins friend is like "duh this was fun hanging out of course were going to hang later".
Right before they walk out I tell Muffin to come give me a kiss goodbye (trying to be all smooth player here... smh). She says "come give me a kiss!" I grab her hand and pull her back down into me and she gives me a kiss on the cheek and I bid her goodbye with a smile.
They walk out the house. I see Muffin look through the window back through the house and I wave goodbye through the glass, I think I saw her laugh?..
Invite To Hang Out Later
At this point I think they're for sure going to come through. We have following text exchange:
It then hits me that she was acting cold/aloof because she was on the verge of auto-rejection the whole time.
Again 50/50 good vs bad responses here like she's on the fence and wants it to workout but is cautious in not wanting to let me hurt her.
To whoever may be reading what is your analysis of this interaction? Am I reading this situation right or over analyzing this?
What I Wish Had Happened
I wish I would've taken her in my arms upon seeing her, kissed and praised her for coming to see me, not had my guard up so high and just connected with her instead of tease her, got her to sit in my lap and call me daddy, and then bang her later that night.
In retrospect this totally would've been doable except for my own baggage and preconceived notions, which leads me to...
Why I Acted W/ My Guard Up and Auto Rejected Her
I've had a hell of a past 2 years of my life. I've been beat down by life, had near everything I enjoyed doing and people I enjoyed being around stripped away from me (career, hobbies, women, walking even), and not to sound like a victim but it legitimately hasn't been my fault (health issues). I'm not bitter at the world but I am licking my wounds as I slowly recover (which I finally am).
Anyway I went from a pimp with a new girl every month to a down and out lonely shell of a man and couldn't do anything about it. Again I'm recovering now but still hurt.
I was nervous to be more cool/physical and open with Muffin because she's literally the only romantic/sexual option I currently have and since I feel already dejected by life I was insecure that she might see how big of a loser I currently am, not understand and see me as weak, and lose attraction for me (she is fully unaware of my life crisis I'm working through).
In retrospect this was a unjustified assumption to think. In all honesty I think if she knew how big of a loser I currently am my attainability would probably drop to a more attainable level for her. Instead I feel I kinda stiff-armed her and kept her at arms length to protect my own ego.
NOTE: I did come off as strong during the interaction and I'm pretty positive she didn't smell insecurity on me at all (her friend would've picked up on that if I did). Muffin is fully aware I have the ability to get another girl to replace her, which was clear due to her friends flirty behavior towards me.
My Plan To Salvage This
I'd really love for us to see each other once a month and go on some trips together while we live near each other before she goes off to a real university (she's at a junior college atm) and I move abroad once I get my shit together.
I don't feel needy toward her but I'd really love to salvage this if at all possible.
Here is My Plan - Vin DiCarlo Method
1. Call her and get her on the phone (we live a state away so can't see her in person).
2. Pace her reality --> "Hey, I feel like I kind of stiff armed you when we saw each other for the first time in 2 years, and I realize that might've taken it hard."
3. Clear up my intentions by being vulnerable to dial down my value --> "I know you don't know this but I've actually been going through a really tough time over the past year, I've lost almost everything important to me and I don't have much left so I feel like I pushed you away a bit in fear of losing you too (implying she is important to me)"
4. Pay her a true and genuine compliment --> "Muffin we've always been different but thats why I enjoy being with you. I'm an intense workaholic thats going to change the world or die trying the last girl I want to be with is a clone of me. No, I need a girl that knows how to chill/relax, smokes some weed, and enjoys having me hold her in my arms while I destress.. its an added bonus you also happen to be pretty sexy
" (trying to amend the othering/disqualifying I did)
5. Offer an olive branch --> "Let me make it up to you. I'll be going on some trips here soon and I was really hoping we could go to Vegas together with the money I have saved up in a month. What do you say? Think you'd be up to be my sidekick just like in the old days?"
Questions:
-Is this a good plan or is there potential for her to not "get" why I'm even bringing this up and see this as me making a big deal out of nothing?
-In step 3 when I clear up my intentions, is admitting I'm afraid to lose her too vulnerable and weak? (Perhaps reword to "I'd hate to lose you as well" OR "I was worried you might find out my life went down the tubes and you'd view me as a weak schmuck")
-Any better suggestions than my plan in moving forward from this?
After writing this I honestly think this is going to work, I know her well enough to know she'll likely bite. Wish me luck.
Thanks gents,
-Rob
I'll try to make this brief. Let's call my girl "Muffin" for the sake of this post.
Muffin is a girl I quasi dated from Summer - Winter of 2014 (basically we were neighbors and spent a ton of time together, couldn't get together because she was underage at the time, eventually turned 18 and we hooked up in Dec. 2014 right before I left for college in Jan 2015).
She has invested A TON emotionally into me and expended a ton of effort chasing me and I always kept in touch with her since I left for college. Due to my being older, wiser, more experienced I've always had issues dialing down my value with her (she's not very ambitious, purposeful, as secure/confident as me, etc.). I've sent her to the brink of auto-rejection like a bazzillion times in the past it seems but always managed to recover, so hopefully this is business as usual and I can learn to knock it off and stop over building my value in the future if I can salvage this.
I recently moved to a city closer by to where she lives and got a call from her last Saturday telling me she was in town and I suggested she come see me. Been 2 years since we last seen each other.
What Happened
(*NOTE: I detail our touch during this interaction as Chase says proximity/physicality are key to getting out of auto-rejection)
She showed up to my house with a friend. I let them in and led them to the couch. We put some music on and talk, there is some awkward silence (I was actually kinda nervous for reasons I'll explain below) but we eventually start chatting. At this point in time I touch Muffins leg here and there while I speak (a bit shy to touch aggressively, again I'll explain below), and I also touch her friends leg but give her less attention and touch her in more of a building comfort way.
Muffins friend is very pleasant and fun. Muffin herself though is very aloof, quiet, and rather cold which struck me as odd because I figured she'd be excited to see me. (Good chance she came to my house halfway in autorejection to begin with... story of my life with this girl)
I inquire a bit and she says she's tired, which I take at face value and assume she's just sleepy/grumpy. I grab some essential oil and rub it into her neck and wrists to wake her up and then do the same to her friend just to be friendly and include my girls friend in the fun.
At one point we are talking and I play with muffins hair and then put my arm around her leg but am a bit cautious to over touch her.
I cringe to admit I was stupid enough to do this but next I proceed to make many conversational Autorejection inducing mistakes in the form of A) over teasing Muffin, B) bluntly stating I don't like X song she suggested, C) made fun of a girl with daddy issues (Muffin has daddy issues) D) indirectly stating high value things about myself. I feel as if I'm auto-rejecting her a bit and stiff arming her to protect my own ego (again for reasons I will denote below).
Muffin retreats into her shell more and auto-rejects. I continue to misread the situation thinking she's in on my shenanigans with me but is just tired/grumpy.
There were a few good moments where we exchanged some fun eye contact and energy and a few times I made her laugh. We'll say 50% dialing up my value too high and 50% good vibes.
At one point I offer them drinks. I tell Muffin to lay down and rest while me and her friend make drinks. We come back and I sit down next to Muffin (who's laying down) and caress her a bit and put my hand on Muffin. She proceeds to take a picture of me and her and plays with funny filters making me look like a wuss. We both laugh.
Next I get Muffin to sit up and lay down in my lap. I caress her a bit but still don't give her as much attention physically I feel I should've.
Muffin sits up, I remove most of touch but proximity remains close. We talk about plans for the evening. Muffin is ultra vague and aloof about making plans for later. Muffins friend continues to urge making plans for later in a positive direction for all of us to get together. Muffin is aloof and I'm still not realizing she's auto-rejecting.
Muffin announces they have to leave to go get dinner with her family. I tell the girls I really enjoyed seeing Muffin again and enjoyed their company and hope we can meet up later after dinner. Muffin has a blank expression, muffins friend is like "duh this was fun hanging out of course were going to hang later".
Right before they walk out I tell Muffin to come give me a kiss goodbye (trying to be all smooth player here... smh). She says "come give me a kiss!" I grab her hand and pull her back down into me and she gives me a kiss on the cheek and I bid her goodbye with a smile.
They walk out the house. I see Muffin look through the window back through the house and I wave goodbye through the glass, I think I saw her laugh?..
Invite To Hang Out Later
At this point I think they're for sure going to come through. We have following text exchange:
7:45PM Me: Hey, don't have enough energy to take yall out 2night but Id still love to have you come back for a nightcap n Ill entertain yall.
Me: My rents r out of town.
9:45PM - I call before I go to sleep. No answer.
11:24PM Muffin: hey are u still up? sorry my phone died and I didn't have a charger.
Next Day 8:45AM
Me: Shame you won't be in town longer, oughta letme call you in sick to class tomorrow
4:41PM Muffin: lol
It then hits me that she was acting cold/aloof because she was on the verge of auto-rejection the whole time.
Again 50/50 good vs bad responses here like she's on the fence and wants it to workout but is cautious in not wanting to let me hurt her.
To whoever may be reading what is your analysis of this interaction? Am I reading this situation right or over analyzing this?
What I Wish Had Happened
I wish I would've taken her in my arms upon seeing her, kissed and praised her for coming to see me, not had my guard up so high and just connected with her instead of tease her, got her to sit in my lap and call me daddy, and then bang her later that night.
In retrospect this totally would've been doable except for my own baggage and preconceived notions, which leads me to...
Why I Acted W/ My Guard Up and Auto Rejected Her
I've had a hell of a past 2 years of my life. I've been beat down by life, had near everything I enjoyed doing and people I enjoyed being around stripped away from me (career, hobbies, women, walking even), and not to sound like a victim but it legitimately hasn't been my fault (health issues). I'm not bitter at the world but I am licking my wounds as I slowly recover (which I finally am).
Anyway I went from a pimp with a new girl every month to a down and out lonely shell of a man and couldn't do anything about it. Again I'm recovering now but still hurt.
I was nervous to be more cool/physical and open with Muffin because she's literally the only romantic/sexual option I currently have and since I feel already dejected by life I was insecure that she might see how big of a loser I currently am, not understand and see me as weak, and lose attraction for me (she is fully unaware of my life crisis I'm working through).
In retrospect this was a unjustified assumption to think. In all honesty I think if she knew how big of a loser I currently am my attainability would probably drop to a more attainable level for her. Instead I feel I kinda stiff-armed her and kept her at arms length to protect my own ego.
NOTE: I did come off as strong during the interaction and I'm pretty positive she didn't smell insecurity on me at all (her friend would've picked up on that if I did). Muffin is fully aware I have the ability to get another girl to replace her, which was clear due to her friends flirty behavior towards me.
My Plan To Salvage This
I'd really love for us to see each other once a month and go on some trips together while we live near each other before she goes off to a real university (she's at a junior college atm) and I move abroad once I get my shit together.
I don't feel needy toward her but I'd really love to salvage this if at all possible.
Here is My Plan - Vin DiCarlo Method
1. Call her and get her on the phone (we live a state away so can't see her in person).
2. Pace her reality --> "Hey, I feel like I kind of stiff armed you when we saw each other for the first time in 2 years, and I realize that might've taken it hard."
3. Clear up my intentions by being vulnerable to dial down my value --> "I know you don't know this but I've actually been going through a really tough time over the past year, I've lost almost everything important to me and I don't have much left so I feel like I pushed you away a bit in fear of losing you too (implying she is important to me)"
4. Pay her a true and genuine compliment --> "Muffin we've always been different but thats why I enjoy being with you. I'm an intense workaholic thats going to change the world or die trying the last girl I want to be with is a clone of me. No, I need a girl that knows how to chill/relax, smokes some weed, and enjoys having me hold her in my arms while I destress.. its an added bonus you also happen to be pretty sexy
" (trying to amend the othering/disqualifying I did)5. Offer an olive branch --> "Let me make it up to you. I'll be going on some trips here soon and I was really hoping we could go to Vegas together with the money I have saved up in a month. What do you say? Think you'd be up to be my sidekick just like in the old days?"
Questions:
-Is this a good plan or is there potential for her to not "get" why I'm even bringing this up and see this as me making a big deal out of nothing?
-In step 3 when I clear up my intentions, is admitting I'm afraid to lose her too vulnerable and weak? (Perhaps reword to "I'd hate to lose you as well" OR "I was worried you might find out my life went down the tubes and you'd view me as a weak schmuck")
-Any better suggestions than my plan in moving forward from this?
After writing this I honestly think this is going to work, I know her well enough to know she'll likely bite. Wish me luck.
Thanks gents,
-Rob
