forgiveness

[disciple99]

how can people develop quality to forgive and forget someone's mistake and not have feelings of vengeance and hurting that person if that person have have given you mental or physical pain.

 

[Mr.Rob]

You forgive someone to free yourself from the emotional bondage. If you don't forgive someone then you will dwell and think incessantly on how someone hurt you.

Dude you're going to get hurt in life, that's just the way it is. People aren't going to treat you with the perfection that you would hope/expect.

You can either be mad at that person for hurting you (while they likely don't even think about it), or you can forgive them to free your own self from continually dwelling in your hate towards someone which does nothing but hurt you.

A big part of forgiving people is that you must accept that you're going to get hurt. Don't be mad about it or get your ego involved. Just accept it, clean up the mess, and move on.

The reason you MUST learn to forgive is that by holding on to bad events that have happened to you will literally trap you in the past and lead to victim mentality. Through forgiveness you stop dwelling in the past and allow yourself to move into a future of your choosing.

Thus in order to move forward in life you must stop dwelling in the past which CANNOT be changed. It CANNOT be changed. Forgive the world for being cruel, forget the past, and take action to get a life you desire.

I do not question reality. I do not spend significant periods of time wondering why the sky is blue and if I can change it to a color I want more. I accept the fact that the sky is just fucking blue and I cannot change it to my favorite color. Thus I spend NO time, NONE, thinking about why this is and how I wish I could change the sky to red.

No I just accept the sky is blue and then focus my time/energies on changing the things that I can control and change to get the outcomes that I want in life.

Questions, comments, concerns?

-Robert

 

[Lotus]

Rob is pretty on point here, holding a grudge does nothing but make your pain worse.

As master Yoda once said, " fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."

Anger and hate just cause more pain for everyone, and like Zac loves to say, "it's not personal"

The person is probably just looking out for themselves and has no ill will toward you... Most of the time.

Of course it's easier said then done. You need to look within yourself and ask..."why does this bother me so much?" Somewhere deep inside you have a insecurity that can be addressed. Find it and the pain will do away.

-Lotus

 

[disciple99]

Mr.Rob says:
The reason you MUST learn to forgive is that by holding on to bad events that have happened to you will literally trap you in the past and lead to victim mentality.

i do not dwell on person but when that person comes in front of me my blood boils so how can I rid my thinking of an "eye for an eye".
and if I find myself dwelling on that person than I start channeling my thoughts on future and laughing on myself for thinking something negative (in my mind of course).
In my opinion that feeling of resentment is to protect myself from that person.(correct me if I am wrong)

lotus says
You need to look within yourself and ask..."why does this bother me so much?" Somewhere deep inside you have a insecurity that can be addressed. Find it and the pain will do away.

yeah when you point out I do have some insecurity like feeling of extreme humiliation or being a pussy or inferiority. so yes identifying that helps alot.

lotus says:
The person is probably just looking out for themselves and has no ill will toward you... Most of the time.

what should I do if that person have serious ill will towards me.
also should I use sentence like I forgive you or its not personal in affirmative.

 

[Mr.Rob]

if I find myself dwelling on that person than I start channeling my thoughts on future and laughing on myself for thinking something negative (in my mind of course).

This is good, you're self aware enough to note when you're drifting into this negative mindset and have the strength of mind to cut out these negative thoughts. However until you don't feel bitterness at all towards someone you're still not completely 100% forgiven that person.

Note that it does take time.

i do not dwell on person but when that person comes in front of me my blood boils so how can I rid my thinking of an "eye for an eye".

In 2012 I had one of my best friends at the time become addicted to heroin and start robbing everyone she knew to fund her habit. We were such good friends and I didn't realize the scope of her problem at the time but because we were so close as friends I knew she would never attempt to extort or connive me for money.

I agreed to help her out with a dealing I ended up getting a cold barrel of a Glock shoved into my armpit for an uncomfortable period of time and forced to surrender $1000 of my money to her crony.

Apparently she hired this guy to rob me and split the profit so she could further fund her drug habit.

Now not only was I $1000 down the drain but this girl had my life on the line.

One would think this would be unforgivable right? Your best friend who you've trusted for years hires a crony to rob you at gun point. Pretty fucked up.

Well I was pretty mad for a year. I had thought up many elaborate schemes for how I would physically hurt her if I got my chance and I even considered hunting her down to take revenge.

But for what? What good would that do? Teach her a lesson? NO! This would just leave me with a false sense of victory, her with a bloody body, and then I'd still be mad at her for what she did to me.

What good would that be? Ego gratification thats all. Nothing would be resolved.

Then I just accepted that what had happened had happened. I stopped resisting the past and just said "Fuck it". I'm not going to associate with her. I learned a life lesson out of this. I'm still alive and I don't have a bullet hole in my body. I can make back the $1000 and I did. I feel sorry that her drug habit has taken over her life to the point where she has to extort money from her best friends.

I stopped thinking about me and I started thinking about others. Her. Her life must be horrible, she has no real friends, she can't live without heroin, and she's likely experiencing extreme amounts of inner turmoil towards herself. In my heart I give compassion to her and I pray that she manages to escape her tragic life and change things around. I want my greatest enemy to succeed in life and be happy.

But I refuse to spend time in inner turmoil being pissed off for what she did to me. I fully accept what has happened, I take responsibility for what has happened as if it were my fault, and I choose to stop dwelling in the past and focus on how I can build a better future for myself and avoid this pitfall in the future.

I saw my old friend about a year ago and I was amazed that when I saw her I felt nothing... nothing but compassion and hope that she is getting better. When you see your enemies and feel no ill towards them then you know you have fully forgiven them. This is an extremely strong minded place and peaceful place to be that most NEVER get to.

Choose to forgive. Choose strength.

-Rob

 

[Lotus]

in my opinion that feeling of resentment is to protect myself from that person.(correct me if I am wrong)

what should I do if that person have serious ill will towards me.
also should I use sentence like I forgive you or its not personal in affirmative.

Forgive but do not forget. You don't need the resentment to properly protect yourself, whether it be physically or verbally.

Use whatever helps you cool off, you know yourself better then we do. When I get put in situations that frustrate me I like to walk away and simmer so I don't emotionally respond in a way that I wouldn't really like, because I know when my emotions are involved I don't think or act clearly. Find out what works for you.

Chase's recent article has a fantastic quote I thought fit in the thread perfectly

Here’s Xun-Zi, as translated by Knoblock:

“The gentleman can do what is honorable, but he cannot cause others to be certain to show him honor. He can act in a trustworthy fashion, but he cannot cause others to trust him. He can act so that he is employable, but he cannot cause others to be certain to use him. Hence, the gentleman is ashamed not to cultivate himself, but he is not ashamed to appear to have flaws. He would be ashamed not to be trustworthy, but he is not ashamed that he does not appear trustworthy. He would be ashamed to be lacking in ability, but he is not ashamed that he remains unused. For these reasons, he is not seduced by praise and is not made apprehensive by criticism.”

-Lotus

 

[disciple99]

thanks @lotus and @Mr.Rob
I truly understand what true forgiveness is it may take time to achieve it but with key now I have I know I will achieve it

lotus said
Forgive but do not forget. You don't need the resentment to properly protect yourself, whether it be physically or verbally.

yeaha always forgive your enemies but don't forget their name.
If anyone else want to share thoughts please chip in