FR+ FR+ - Great date, no response afterwards?

[Shadow]

Hey all,

Got myself into an interesting situation with a girl who I went out with, had a good time, made out and then disappeared off the world. I'll keep it nice and short, but shoot if you have any questions.

Meet up:
Interestingly enough she opened me up. I was studying in a local Starbucks, having a coffee when this hot chick comes in and sits just in front of me. I notice her and I thought about how to open her... Well luckily she opened me - came over asked me for a pen.. Eventually sat next to me and we chatted, got her number and agreed to have a coffee sometime (5min~ interaction). She was clearly interested. 19 y/o student from eastern Europe.

Date setup
Very casual - followed Chase's tips on texting / simplified date setup. Asked her when she's free for a coffee, said when I'm not.. We agreed to meet up in 6 days (tad long?) and I chose the venue (local coffee house).

The date
Met up at the coffee place - she was of course 10 minutes late so I sat down and waited her there. She bought her own coffee and sat opposite of me to 'look me in the eyes'. She opened the conversation as any woman would with "I have shitloads to study for a deadline tomorrow so can only stay for a while!" which I kind of said 'okay sure' to and disregarded.

Some light banter about how she forgot all the things I told her last time, some deep diving on dreams, family etc.. nothing too heavy. It was going really well I'd say! She more or less forgot that she had to leave soon, but kept insisting that she can't drink alcohol as she has to study.. FIrst error here that I actually took this a bit too seriously. Anyhow, an hour in the coffee place started closing, but I wasn't ready to let go yet so I proposed we have another coffee next door before we go. She easily agreed - we went to the cocktail bar next door and actually ordered a glass of white wine each. More deep diving, some chase framing ("so what do you do in your spare time except for hitting on guys in Starbucks?" - this really threw her off ).. This went for another 1.5hrs (total 2.5hrs) - she told me some crazy stories, teased me that she'll tell more 'next time.. if there is a next time '.. She mentioned a few times how late its now getting and how she has to study and how she hasn't slept last night blabla....

Eventually we head out, I'm still not fully convinced of this study thing, but it got to me enough to chicken out from a full blown 'come home' invite. So I kind of play it around and do a half arsed 'I live over there, lets go to the shop nearby and we'll buy you some redbulls to survive the night'. She did think about for a second - I saw it in her eyes. But then he pulled out another objection that she has to host a skype call with her group on her project in 20mins... I failed to bypass this one, so we were about to part ways - so thought might as well do something and I went in for a kiss. She loved it, played with it and pushed for it. I then asked her in a sexy voice "are you sure you don't want to get a redbull..." but she still declined. And we parted ways with me wishing her good luck with the studies.

After date
1hr later: Hey <chickname>, that was good fun - looking forward to your crazier stories
NO REPLY...
24hr later: Hey <chickname>, hope your group project went well and you slept a bit more this time Lets grab some food tomorrow/Wednesday evening before I lock myself up in study mode completely? [planning to have the food at my place]
NO REPLY... yet ( has been 4 hours to be fair)

I can identify a few minor fuck ups, but it feels like I've messed up something big somewhere that I'm not seeing? Any ideas? And any advise if I can still save this & push it forward?

Thanks,

Shadow

 

[jdoc]

Hey Shadow,

Nice job on the date and moving the interaction forwards. I think you should have persisted even further with the pull, especially because she was considering coming home with you. Something along the lines of:

You: Come on, we're having fun now, we'll grab a short night cap, and then you can head on home to study.
Her: I wish I could, but I'm tired... I didn't sleep much last night, and I've got a group Skype call for my assignment.
You: Come on lazy girl! You'll have plenty of time to sleep later, and you can take a raincheck on that Skype call. We'll grab a quick nightcap and you can be off to get your sleep.
Her: I don't know...
You: It'll be fun! Let's go.
Her: Okay, but just for a little bit.

After kissing her, I think it would have been better to try to pull again in a decisive way that shows leadership. Maybe something like: "You're a good kisser. I can't believe that you're just going to go home and sleep, how boring! Come on, let's grab a quick nightcap and then you can be on your way." The problem with asking her, "are you sure you don't want to get a redbull?" is that it puts the burden of decision making on her. Seeing as how she already said no a couple of times, she would've been inclined to decline again. Seeing how she was clearly into you, I think if you persisted a bit more, she could've come home with you.

Not sure why she went cold on you though dude. My guess is that after kissing her she gave away all the mystery and she knows that you want her. Your text message after the date also chased her a little bit, giving away your power and mystery.

Jdoc

 

[Seppuku]

Hey Shadow,

A few comments.

We agreed to meet up in 6 days (tad long?) and I chose the venue (local coffee house).

A little risky to set a date 6 days ahead, so many things can go wrong in the meantime. For next time, if possible it's better to set a date within the next 48 hours.

She bought her own coffee and sat opposite of me to 'look me in the eyes'.

Ideally you want to be side by side rather then opposite to each other. It's less confrontational, plus, easier to use touch.

She more or less forgot that she had to leave soon, but kept insisting that she can't drink alcohol as she has to study.. FIrst error here that I actually took this a bit too seriously.

because it was probably bullshit. Girls will throw a lot of bullshit at your head, it's your job to filter out what's likely true or not. It's part of their tests.

Anyhow, an hour in the coffee place started closing, but I wasn't ready to let go yet so I proposed we have another coffee next door before we go.

Here there is a decision to be made. If you think you won't be able to go all the way tonight and pull her, for whatever logistics constraints, then you'll need to have a second date. If you are going for two dates, it is much better to end things now on your own terms. You leave her when she expects more from you. You choose to end the date, so you are in control, and not her. Both will make her wanting for more and you're likely to get the second date later. Instead, you choose to continue. Alright, but then you need to be ready to pull home. But you didn't so she will be the one ending the date on her terms (her "skype conf call" or whatever), and in control.

("so what do you do in your spare time except for hitting on guys in Starbucks?" - this really threw her off )..

Yes, because you're implying she's a slut. How about "so what do you do in your spare time except for hitting on *me* in Starbucks?". That's much better. You're not saying she's chasing just any guy. You're saying she's chasing you, because you are the prize. It's a little cocky and girls will love it.

Eventually we head out, I'm still not fully convinced of this study thing, but it got to me enough to chicken out from a full blown 'come home' invite.

Her "study" time constraint framed you out from the very beginning. She was supposedly in hurry but just spent 2.5 hours with you so it's sounded already like bullshit. Her frame, like a wall in front of you, for you to overcome. Most likely a test. So at this point you should have gone all the way and attempt to pull her.

So I kind of play it around and do a half arsed 'I live over there, lets go to the shop nearby and we'll buy you some redbulls to survive the night'.

Indeed half arsed. How about this: you take her by the hand and lead her to your home in a "follow me" fashion. Not even need for explanation, like if it's obvious where you are taking her. If she really asks a question, then you have some excuse ready for taking her to your home, like showing her your collection of CDs or whatever.

we were about to part ways - so thought might as well do something and I went in for a kiss.

The thing about the kiss is, it's very risky, if it's not immediately followed by escalation and sex. It kills sexual tension, and can count as failed escalation more often than not. I don't risk the kiss anymore, unless just before taking her to bed.

I can identify a few minor fuck ups, but it feels like I've messed up something big somewhere that I'm not seeing? Any ideas? And any advise if I can still save this & push it forward?

You failed many tests. You let her frame you with her time constraints, didn't pull her, or didn't end the date on your terms. It's going to be uphill.

My advice is to leave her in full radio silence for now. If she liked you and is still interested, she will come back. If you don't hear from her after a few weeks, send her a ping text, to test waters. If still no response, just move on.

I hope this helps!

Cheers,
Seppuku

 

[Shadow]

@jdoc - thanks a lot for the feedback. I think you are absolutely right. I spend some considerable time thinking this through in my head and although I didn't fail at something big out of the blue, I did fail consistently on the same theme.

@Seppuku - this is great! Exactly what I needed - some hard grounded criticism - thanks a lot. Thinking of this now you are more correct than you can imagine . I failed consistently at her frames/tests/objections (usually in small ways but it piled up) and moreover I slowly killed all the mystery. If I look back I 1) pretty much implied there will be a next date 2) kissed her on separation and 3) texted her in a slightly chasy way (which I think was really hit the last nail on the head in my coffin). So yea she has me - she knows I like her, she saw I can't battle her frames consistently - so why would she reply...

The one I found quite funny and didn't realise until the moment I read it in your post was this:

Yes, because you're implying she's a slut.

This is EXACTLY how she reacted. Moreover, she actually said at the time "yeah I sit at Starbucks hitting on boys that sit in the same place there..... boys ...". Wasn't my intention at all to call her a slut, but rather to imply that she was hitting on me... Well, that backfired didn't it.

Finally, I'm following your advice already and have went radio silence. Will wait out 7-10 days and drop another text just in case something can sparkle back. Any advise on actual text content? I'm thinking of something very low key nonchalant like 'Hey <chick>, figured I'd drop you a line since we haven't connected in a few weeks. Just crawled back from my studies hopefully once and for all.. Hope all is great on your end - let me know whats new!" (as per Chase's article on non-responding even though its more for pre-date situations).

It's scary yet quite exciting how much I still don't know and also how much I do, but don't apply properly... Interesting journey ahead to building a proper abundance mentality (which I totally lack atm partially due to recent LTR breakup).

Onwards!

 

[Seppuku]

Hey Shadow,

I'm glad to be of help. These boards are an excellent learning ground.

The day you realize that there is no guarantee you'll get a second date, is the day you start to do things right. When you're more experienced it's easier to get the second dates consistently, but until then, much better to assume it's the last time you see her ever. This is your chance, so go for it.

And yes, your texting to her, after the fact, was chasey, and probably finished to kill off your chances.

Finally, I'm following your advice already and have went radio silence. Will wait out 7-10 days and drop another text just in case something can sparkle back. Any advise on actual text content?

Your case looks difficult, don't expect much. But if you're going to text her in a week or so, you need to do something very simple:
You: Hey <chick name>

It's a ping text, to see if she answers at all, and to test the mood if she does. This:

'Hey <chick>, figured I'd drop you a line since we haven't connected in a few weeks. Just crawled back from my studies hopefully once and for all.. Hope all is great on your end - let me know whats new!"

sound too complicated to me.

This FR was a very good experience overall. In the beginning you need many data points on your learning curve. Once you fucked up a few times, and figured out why, you'll start to improve and do things right.

Cheers man!
Seppuku

 

[Shadow]

Went for the text yesterday and got no reply Funnily enough I think she saw me with another girl at the same coffee shop we initially met last Sunday.. Was wondering if that will help or not.. Guess not

Oh well, good learning experience - time to move on

Thanks all for the help and suggestions.