Friends given priorities

pks391

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Mumbai, India
Have any of you been in a relationship where your girl was more pleasant natured and compliant with her friends (male and female) but totally non-compliant with you, or who would make you work for compliance?

What if the girl would constantly get annoyed if you told her you would touch her but if you actually did touch her intimately, she would go all weak? What kind of a girl would you call this?
 

Richard

Tribal Elder
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Avoidant-dismissive or fearful-avoidant. I'm dating a girl like this right now and it takes a lot of fortitude to see past the trees.

Basically, she longs for love and affection but is also afraid of it and tries to distance herself from it and that's why you're different than her friends; with friends she can do whatever she wants and let her guard down because they're on the fringe of providing that love and affection but she has little to be afraid of because she's not intimate with them. However, with a boyfriend she runs the risk of being hurt dramatically because she'll usually open up more and is cautious as a result.

However, deep down they still want love and affection as much as any other girl and that's the basis you need to operate from. I'm somebody motivated by a good challenge so I enjoy this kind of uphill battle but I'm a rare breed and unless you're capable of weathering the storm it might be better to find a different girl.

- Richard
 

Bboy100

Cro-Magnon Man
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Yep. What Richard said is spot on. Unless you really know what you're doing, expect a lot of drama. It's not your fault, and its not even necessarily her fault. But understand that her wiring (which is typically a result of childhood experiences) will play out in your current relationship. Probably on a regular basis and in many different ways. If this isn't something you want to deal with, I suggest you move on.
 

pks391

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Mumbai, India
Richard said:
Avoidant-dismissive or fearful-avoidant. I'm dating a girl like this right now and it takes a lot of fortitude to see past the trees.

Basically, she longs for love and affection but is also afraid of it and tries to distance herself from it and that's why you're different than her friends; with friends she can do whatever she wants and let her guard down because they're on the fringe of providing that love and affection but she has little to be afraid of because she's not intimate with them. However, with a boyfriend she runs the risk of being hurt dramatically because she'll usually open up more and is cautious as a result.

However, deep down they still want love and affection as much as any other girl and that's the basis you need to operate from. I'm somebody motivated by a good challenge so I enjoy this kind of uphill battle but I'm a rare breed and unless you're capable of weathering the storm it might be better to find a different girl.

- Richard
Thank you Richard, you made it a lot more clear for me
 

pks391

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Bboy100 said:
Yep. What Richard said is spot on. Unless you really know what you're doing, expect a lot of drama. It's not your fault, and its not even necessarily her fault. But understand that her wiring (which is typically a result of childhood experiences) will play out in your current relationship. Probably on a regular basis and in many different ways. If this isn't something you want to deal with, I suggest you move on.
Thanks Bboy, do any of you have an article I can read about this?
 

Bboy100

Cro-Magnon Man
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I don't have any specific articles, but I would do a quick google search for "attachment styles". More specifically, you want to look into the "avoidant-dismissive" attachment style. Just so you get a general understanding of what exactly Richard is talking about, and how it affects your relationship with her.
 

pks391

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Bboy100 said:
I don't have any specific articles, but I would do a quick google search for "attachment styles". More specifically, you want to look into the "avoidant-dismissive" attachment style. Just so you get a general understanding of what exactly Richard is talking about, and how it affects your relationship with her.
Thank you :)
 

pks391

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Bboy100 said:
Update: Just by chance, I happened to run into this yesterday: http://theartofcharm.com/podcast-episod ... isode-459/
The first 30 minutes or so talk specifically about attachment styles and how they affect relationships and dating. I think this is super relevant to what we're talking about. Pks, I highly recommend you listen to it.
Thank You :)
 

Yhaceed

Space Monkey
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Oct 16, 2016
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Hey

@Richard and Bboy

It's kinda funny I was searching for something else and found this which I often think about. I can't listen to the podcast bboy cause I can't hear but this topic is interesting nonetheless. Anyway I keep dealing with my girl sayin we shouldn't have sex or even talk about different things that lead to sex and then we do anyway. Also I'm trying to see the forest past the trees but yet I don't know what we need to avoid. As I improve I don't know how much more we'll be attached but are you saying I just need to decide if I want to keep dealing with the drama? So far I've done okay but it seems to be getting a little worse. Should I be more subtle because it's like either way when I don't give her what she wants it messes things up and when I do give her what she wants it does the same thing? Then it feels like she blames me but I guess I need to always remind her "it takes two to tango". I think I definitely may keep my eye on the forest though.

@Pks
I'm not trying to hijack your thread but hopefully this will help us both.

~Yhaceed
 
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