from nice guy to PUA

[themainattraction]

I've always been a nice guy all my life. But not the typical one; recently I've become a very confident, charming, and suave nice guy. But once again, it's failing to get the girl.

So this is my question to the pickup community. I have this pretty obsessive belief in love, that things are destined to be and whatnot. And I feel that if i become active in pickup, this kind of thinking will die out, and the happiness I could get from loving someone because chance or fate made it happen will die out too. Then again I'm only 22 and have a looong time to go. But that's the only thing stopping me: it will make me take control of my own fate with women and thus, love, and therefore it'll lose some of its magic. but maybe I'm thinking about it too much.

So for the romantics (or former romantics) out there: has pickup ruined your romanticism, your view of love, etc. or only strengthened it? i imagine meeting women of all sorts will give you a better idea of what you want, and make you closer to the women who you connect with more.

thanks!
(then again...maybe taking these steps to further engage myself in pickup is what fate had in store for my love life)

 

[PrettyDecent]

Hey themainattraction,

I've found this to be true of any art, the "I don't know how to do it, and learning it will ruin the enjoyment" thing. There's probably a few reasons behind this, primarily it seems the more out of control something is for you, the more you "fall in love" with it. Or maybe it's an ignorance is bliss type of deal.

So for example, before I learned how to play an instrument, listening to music was a pretty out of control experience...I had no idea how they were playing or creating the sounds they did. And so I was afraid I was going to get bored or not find the music interesting anymore when I did learn how to play and write.

Well, ignorance and that out of control feeling is taken out of the equation, yes. But what it's replaced by is an ability to have things the way you want. So you might like a certain song, but you can only get that enjoyment out of that song...But what if you could produce songs that you enjoyed, then you'd have an unlimited amount of music to enjoy, right? You can always learn a new style of music, a new instrument...it'll always be entertaining for you.

Jake

 

[Estate]

Really good topic because it has been on my mind for a while...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. The answer isn't so black and white though... let me explain how things have gone for me and hopefully it gives some insight.

When you get "good" and acquire the abundance mentality that you may have read about around here, then yes, to an extent you become a little bit more numb to those crazy feelings initially. BUT, read on, this isn't a bad thing.
Before I had any success with this, I may have been like you, if I met a girl, ANY girl, I'd thank my lucky stars and if I saw her once or twice I'd begin to feel all those amazing feelings of how special she was, how amazing she was and how I thought I was falling head over heels for the girl. But those relationships came and went. I'd be crushed when they ended and never knew where I'd meet another girl ever again, let alone a girl as amazing as her.

The trouble was though... some of my earlier girlfriends, some were nice, some were not, some were downright abusive. But no matter what, I had no other options and it made me feel things I shouldn't have for girls I really could have done better than because I had no other options, girls who would like me were scarce. Years later I look back and can't even see what I was thinking ever dating some of the girls I did when I was a kid.

In the last year, since I jumped right on board with this website, my success with woman has gone way up. And you are totally right... you meet girls, girls even better than you have before and those amazing feelings just aren't there. Sucks right? Well... no... keep reading

The thing is... when I meet girls now, I don't end up falling head over heels immediately. I have learned to spot signs that she may not be right as girlfriend material. Signs that she's not what I'm looking for and be willing to pass up getting serious or even getting with them at all if I just don't feel it. I can do this because THERE WILL ALWAYS BE MORE GIRLS TO MEET OUT THERE. And you have to get to a point where you really believe that. This leads to a little discussed phenomenon where you are now consistently meeting new women and just as you said... you start to feel like you'll never meet another one who will sweep you off your feet. Girls are just girls and there'll always be another... you're not getting those special feelings anymore. But that means this is WORKING! I know... believe me... at first, this can get you down... it's almost like you're becoming numb to it all and it kinda sucks. If you can keep meeting and dating new girls, how will you ever get to a point where one stands out and you don't just feel like you can always find BETTER?

Well... there is good news. We're all human, if you are open to meeting that special girl and you do find her, you'll know. Those feelings will come flooding back. It will just be more rare of an occurrence. I say this is good news though because you only get these feelings when she REALLY IS special. I got those feelings years ago for girls I should have known were no good for me. I could have done so much better. Now when I get those feelings it really and truly is only when I meet a girl who DOES stand out and DOES meet all the things I like in a woman. But there is a totally different dynamic now. I don't get these feelings for just ANY girl who seemed to like me... I CHOOSE the girl because I can meet other girls, I know I can, but THIS one finally stands out of the crowd and I want to pursue her.
The girls I felt these things for before were 5's, 6's, 7's but the girls now are true 10's.

So that's my story. To be honest, I'm not a die-hard "everything happens because it's meant to happen" sort of guy. I believe love can happen but I believe TRUE love and lasting relationships come when both parties choose each other out of actual love, affection, attraction and respect and not out of other things like loneliness, neediness or other negative emotions. I don't believe in a "One". There are many "One"'s out there. If things don't work out with one girl, there will always be more for you to meet. But I also believe this is a healthy attitude because you stop being in a position where you NEED a girl and end up in a position where, if and when you decide to maker her your girlfriend, you are doing so knowing you could have other girls but you CHOOSE to be with her, and it will make for a much healthier relationship all-round.

I say all this because I admit... for months now, I've been meeting so many new women, and just haven't felt those feelings until what do you know... I met a girl lately who has made all those feelings come back. The difference now though is... I HOPE things continue to go well with her but I'm no longer coming at it from a needy point of view. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out and I know there's more out there. If it DOES, then I know I chose her when I could have had another.

Just my personal take on it, but I hope it helps.

 

[Franco]

TMA,

So for the romantics (or former romantics) out there: has pickup ruined your romanticism, your view of love, etc. or only strengthened it? i imagine meeting women of all sorts will give you a better idea of what you want, and make you closer to the women who you connect with more.

Estate pretty much nailed it on the head for you.

You'll find that having these types of intense emotions comes more from a place of neediness and lack of understanding rather than an actual feeling of "true love." When you really get this material down and you start to understand what having an abundance mentality is really like, your emotions stabilize. And for a man, this is extraordinarily attractive to women. High-caliber women have to deal all the time with guys that either fall head over heels for them and "get sappy and weak" or guys that are easily angered and abusive and don't treat them with respect. When you can be that rare guy that finds the balance between the two extremes, women will be drawn to you like a moth to a flame.

And what might even be more important is that it is likely you will fall in love slower, which is key to actually keeping a woman that you fall in love with. If you've been sleeping with a girl for awhile and you begin to develop feelings for her, it is likely that she already has feelings for you, and that's what will make it much easier to transform the relationship into exclusivity should you choose to do so. On the flip side of the coin, if you fall in love with a girl before she falls in love with you (which is what often happens to guys without an abundance mentality), then your emotions will tend to take control of your actions and cause you to do things that are destructive towards making her fall in love with you.

Estate, as an aside, Colin Farrell happens to be my "doppelganger." I look a lot like him (and I get girls telling me I do too). I only have about 15% Irish in me though -- go figure!

- Franco

 

[Estate]

Estate, as an aside, Colin Farrell happens to be my "doppelganger." I look a lot like him (and I get girls telling me I do too). I only have about 15% Irish in me though -- go figure!

Well looks like you are in good company then Franco!
I may have chosen another avatar but us Irish don't quite have so many male celebs to aspire to in terms of looks... maybe Colm Meaney?

 

[themainattraction]

Okay, thanks for the responses guys.

I guess I'll add a bit more about myself: girls I've dated or hooked up with in the past few years were 9s and 10s. I just graduated college so for the majority of the time, I did have sort of an abundance mentality because there were so many girls around. Though I'm sure its not the true abundance mentality you speak of. But now back home I feel empty; my closest friends moved away, as well as the majority of my lady friends. And everyone is working, while I'm not. Bad decision on my part. So in that regard, yeah I think this may be out of loneliness. I'm tying to desperately grab on to this girl. If you guys are interested, I posted about her in another thread in this section. Advice would be appreciated.

but I guess while I'm at home, I should work on picking up this skill. It wouldn't hurt. Everytime I've come across theb"one girl" in my life, which has happened five time so far and ended in tears and depression, it never works out. I'm stillnhesiatant about this because ik pretty good with girls. But I'm tired of feeling this way. Still, thank you all for offering your views. I'll have to consider really getting into this, or maybe just skimming the top of it