Fucked it up big time with the perfect girl!!! HELP AND SOUND ADVICE MUCH APPREC

[Dmanny]

Following comes what I reckon is a somewhat classical story with a mix of lots of common issues regarding fumbling the ball in regards to girls.

It is a bit long, but maybe it does make more sense to get the whole picture. Well, my picture at least. Please excuse me as English is not my native tongue.

First off let me tell you a little about myself. I’m in my late twenties, currently a student, athletic and I usually do fairly well with girls. Ended a 4 year relationship about 2 years ago and for the past year I’ve been hitting it hard as a single guy in a big city.

So about a month ago I had a date in the city, but the girl I was going to meet postponed the date for 2 hours. As I was already suited up in my best gear, I decided what the heck I’m gonna hit a concert where I know all of my guys are at. Immediately as I enter the place and find my friends, I hit it with this awesome girl one of my friends know from work. This girl really likes me I can tell, but I keep my cool….
After 20 minutes we are making out big time. But in my pocket my phone is constantly vibrating with texts from my date telling me how much she is looking forward and so on. So I tell the cute girl “sorry, gotta go meet some friends at a bar, but I’ll be back” She looks at me with a look confusion and pulls me in for a big kiss. Then she tells me how much she is turned on by me! But she also explains how she is just in the middle of an ugly break up with her boyfriend with whom she has been with for 4 years. Shit, now all my alarms are ringing! She insists on getting my number. I then head to meet my date. When I’m sitting at a bar with my date the phone is constantly ringing in my pocket. It’s the cute girl trying to reach me…. I drink to gin tonics with my date, say thanks for a lovely evening and rush to meet cute girl again. But now she doesn’t pick up. Damn, in frustration I hit the clubs hard.

Next day I track the girl down on facebook, she explains how her bag and phone got stolen. We chat on messenger. We really connect! Within a few days we go on our first date, major success. After a few days she writes me how much she’s into me, but that we have got to take it slow as she doesn’t want to rush into something new. I tell her I’m cool with that. She continues to bomb me with attention. Over the next few weeks we have sex on three occasions where she spends the night at my place. She and her friends make a big emphasis that she is totally over her ex, like a big emphasis.

I really start to like this girl. But I catch a few bad signs like, “oh, you totally not like the guys I usually date” and “wow, you are such a sweet guy” But she still wants to have intimate relations. Kinky stuff too! Things are good.

But then I have to go on a vacation with four of my buddies. She says to me have a good time and that she can’t wait to see me when I get home.
I go. The vacation is a disaster. Five guys a top a mountain, in a house with a pool. Nothing to do but getting shitfaced! So we do! After a few days, in what could be described as state of cabin fever and booze blues I text the girl a lot! She responds a little, but she can tell I’m drunk. The following day I realize that I’ve really been bombing her with all sorts of texts. The cheesy ones, the provocative ones….. u name it. I know I have fucked up at this point.

I get home. I text her. Hours later she responds in a luke warm tone. I can tell something is up. I write her something innocent in a joking manner…….. no response for two days. I panic a little and I really don’t want to play games. So I write her that I can tell that something is wrong, and that it gets me down.
Next day I get a novel of a text with all of the clichés in it. “You have been so nice to me” ”I really enjoyed our time together”,”Want us to be friends”. But here main points were that she felt like I was putting too much in it, especially because I was writing her while on vacation. She felt that it was to much like a relationship already, which she was not ready for.

I wrote her back in a state of panic that I could see her point. She thanked me and I haven’t heard from her since. Nor have I tried to contact her. It’s been three days.

So I know a lot of stuff could be up. like she probably lost interest because she felt like I got needy and to easy. Or she finally realized that she is single and can get to focus on herself. Maybe she got back with the ex, or got with some new guy. Last two scenarios I kinda doubt though.

I am not some sobby emotional guy that will write her all kinds of spineless “please give me a chance stuff”
I can handle rejection, I will move on.

But I really liked her! And worse yet, I KNOW she really liked me.
People tell me let her be, too many issues with this one.
I know that a postcard from I wrote her when I was away is coming her way. My strategy is to see if she responds to that. Otherwise I will assume its game over with this one.

But what would you guys do?

kind regards

 

[Tim Iron]

Re: Fucked it up big time with the perfect girl!!! HELP AND SOUND ADVICE MUCH AP

There is no perfect girl... accept that you are going to lose a few girls... its normal.

 

[Dude909]

Re: Fucked it up big time with the perfect girl!!! HELP AND SOUND ADVICE MUCH AP

You have learned the most important relationship lesson: don't get needy. Don't jump into a relationship. No more than 3-4 meet a month. Limited contact between meets. No boyfriendish stuff. No sending freaking postcards! What are you a bad Hollywood romcom character?

Now you know. Don't do it again.

PS: next and gftow

 

[Seer]

Re: Fucked it up big time with the perfect girl!!! HELP AND SOUND ADVICE MUCH AP

Why would a high value guy be texting a girl while out with his guy friends in the mountain? He'd be too busy having fun. You don't text her a lot out of the blue otherwise it looks needy and makes you seem like you aren't such a busy, high value guy. It all kept going downhill once you started sending attention-seeking texts when she wasn't responding. Like Tayo and Dude said, this one is lost and you should move on to the next girl. There are other girls out there.

Seer

 

[Rusty]

Re: Fucked it up big time with the perfect girl!!! HELP AND SOUND ADVICE MUCH AP

There's a few ways you can tackle this.

First, you could just ignore the underlying issue and just go out and meet more women and brush it under the rug. You'll probably get over her after several weeks/months and move on with your life, but a similar issue may arise again, just with a different woman.

Or you could be honest with yourself and realize that you have issues with neediness and you're not living a life of abundance/ real purpose where women are not your priority. That's not to say that you shouldn't care about women and be a cold hearted bastard, but if you're really living in abundance or you're driven by your purpose or mission in life, you won't be easily shaken by things like this. And if you're truly busy and dedicated to your mission, you won't have all this time to text her and act needy in the first place. You would be driven and focused on your work, on your passion, on your goals.

I don't know you, and I'm not here to judge you, but from the looks of it, you place way too much importance on your relationships with women than you do with your own purpose and goals in life. To maintain a strong masculine core, you have to always be challenging yourself and setting goals. Ideally, women are not even your 2nd or 3rd priority. You should be living a life that does not need women in order to be fulfilling; your interpersonal relationships are important, but they should never be at the forefront of your life.

That's why as soon as you started getting involved with her, you got needy because she suddenly became the most important and compelling thing in your life. That's why you weren't enjoying your vacation with your friends. You fixated on her because your life lacks purpose and meaning and she could sense you losing the attractive self you presented to her when you initially met her. Now that time passed, she could see your true core and you revealed yourself to be a man who needed her in order to be fulfilled.

GFTOW (go find ten other women) is only a band-aid solution; the core issues are not being dealt with. Keep meeting women, but don't ignore the fact that you're not living in a way that addresses your real needs.

 

[Dmanny]

Re: Fucked it up big time with the perfect girl!!! HELP AND SOUND ADVICE MUCH AP

U Guys r right! But i do have purpose and Goals besides Girls. But I know at the core of the problem is that i found a girl that i really liked for the first time in a long While. I got to be out of My comfort zone, out of control, i felt weak and powerless. I acted like a bitch and It Cost me deeply.

 

[snipefield]

Re: Fucked it up big time with the perfect girl!!! HELP AND SOUND ADVICE MUCH AP

First, I do agree with the guys about the need to meet more girls. There ARE others out there of course and you will meet them as long as you keep your chin up!

I do want to weigh in with some thoughts that I hope will not highjack this thread.

The advice of always being non-needy for a guy just doesn't seem to match with reality on planet Earth, in my opinion. I think men fall on different spectrums of neediness. For the non-Zen monks in us, it is perhaps an unsexy truth that we DO get attached to women. We love their laughs, their voices, how they soothe us, how they pleasure us, how they react when we caress their hips, how their eyes light up when they see us. It is natural to get attached to a person. Just like when someone dies. They may have lived a good life and gone when it was their time, but we still can't help but feel sad. It's just human!

Yes, if you have a rotation of 20 women, then you probably will not get fixated on one. But one needs to devote a tremendous amount of time in order to have a rotation of 20 women. People write about having a passion and women being only #3 or #4 on the list. If you have a true passion and a woman is #4 on the list, then the likelihood that a guy will have a rotation of 20 women is quite low. Guys, having a passion sometimes doesn't even square up with getting good with women. Sometimes, if you're starting from the bottom, like me, you have no choice but to obsess about getting good with women, all other pursuits be damned. I've had to put this on hold recently because of work and grad school

Some exceptional people with a singular purpose like Nikola Tesla are known to have forsaken all contact with women. Others like Picasso were infamous womanizers. But these are exceptions. In the first case, living out a life inventing things but forsaking the company of women is hardly a life worth living - for me. You may be different. In the second, Picasso's surroundings probably allowed him to get lots of women while keeping true to the Law of Least Effort. If you want a more realistic, no-bullshit modern-day account of a guy living out his passion, listen to the first season of the podcast Startup. This show gives you sequential account of what it's really like to found a start-up. And interestingly enough, it has amazing candid conversations between the founder (Alex Blumberg) and his wife, who grills him, teases him, doesn't hold any punches. You can tell they have excellent chemistry, too.

Think about influential people. Many of them are married. I think part of the reason that they are married is that it of course gives you credibility in society - people trust you more (although this may be changing now. Look at Elon Musk, he's not married and nobody is questioning his intentions and expertise). But another reason is probably because they have a partner who loves them, takes care of them and helps them stay even-keeled. I doubt the influential people who are married get needy with their wives. But I would expect them to be attached to them.

GC focum members have all sorts of different goals that are all valid. I'm still figuring out which category I'm in. Recently, I've been realizing that by default, I tend to fall more into the provider category. But still, I must ask Dude 909, what is wrong with sending a girl you like a postcard? In my case, the girl lives in another country and I thought it would be a nice gesture since the postcard was from a museum I invited her to on our first date (we never went because it got late. Instead she wound up at my place).

All I'm saying is that it seems that it's OK to be vulnerable sometimes - it's just part of human nature. It may not be "manly" by society's standards, but our society has many imperfections.

I'm open to other viewpoints / opposing arguments.

 

[Ree]

Re: Fucked it up big time with the perfect girl!!! HELP AND SOUND ADVICE MUCH AP

U Guys r right! But i do have purpose and Goals besides Girls. But I know at the core of the problem is that i found a girl that i really liked for the first time in a long While. I got to be out of My comfort zone, out of control, i felt weak and powerless. I acted like a bitch and It Cost me deeply.

i dont think yuv lost the girl....i have realised that if ur too unattainable ( girl autorejects ) u usually CANT fix it by suddenly being too attainable( chasing).....however...if ur too attainable(needy)...u usually can fix it by being less atainable.....just be scarcer and less needy.....try a casual non emotional text after 5 days or so...dont overtext....text only to set up a meet....get back in her life and back in her pants

 

[Dmanny]

Re: Fucked it up big time with the perfect girl!!! HELP AND SOUND ADVICE MUCH AP

Haha, shit, so i know that postcard hits her today cus My parents just texted me that they received the one i wrote Them.

Fuck it, at least i didn't write a long emotionel love letter. Only "Hi! See you soon! Best whishes D####"

Still by now i whish there Was No postcard. Typical. Hope she can see the fun in it.