Book Excerpts: Short and Sweet Tips for Your PUA Openers
“A few basics on opening techniques:
• Avoid full frontal opening. When a man opens a woman facing directly at her, he comes on very strong, and he can seem overwhelming. Instead, open somewhat across your body or over your shoulder, only turning to face her more fully as she earns your attention. The one time that opening from the front can more or less be considered standard and acceptable is when you are doing street stops – approaching women walking the opposite direction of you by walking straight into their path facing them, holding your hands up, and telling them, “Stop.” Even then, it’s typically more effective to let them pass you, then turn around and catch up to them and open from the side.
• Avoid opening from the back. Just as opening from the front can seem overly pushy or forward, opening from the back can be startling. Ever have someone tap you on the back, or worse, suddenly start speaking to you from behind without you knowing who they were? It’s unnerving, and doesn’t make for a very pleasant – or socially savvy – introduction to a new potential lover. Seek to open from the side.
• Pre-open her. In other words, get her to look at you before you look at her. This can be done simply by coming into her proximity, but more commonly by first touching her lightly (before looking at her). When women look at you first, and you then look at them, they unconsciously feel as though you are responding to them checking you out. When you look at them first, they feel like the objects of desire, and also feel as if they are being stared and expected to react a certain way. The latter tends not to open as well as when you get them to look at you first. One common way of pre-opening a girl is to position yourself next to her, then lightly tap her on the arm with the backside of your hand, only fully turning your head to face her and locking eyes with her once her eyes are locked on yours.
• Drop the apologies. It’s usually never a good idea to say, “Sorry,” or, “Excuse me,” in general, but this is especially true when you’re opening – you don’t want to use these words or phrases. Stay away from apologizing for yourself like the plague – when a man apologizes first, he’s communicating to a woman that he feels like he’s interrupting whatever more important thing she was doing. And if he believes it, there’s a good chance she will, too. What could be more important for a woman than meeting a strong, confident, sexy man like you? The answer, of course, is “nothing.”
• Lock in as soon as possible. Locking in is getting into the position of being comfortable and “at home” with a girl or a group. For instance, if three people are talking, and one of them is leaning back against a wall with the other two facing him, the one leaning against the wall is locked in. If two people are speaking, and one is sitting on a stool while the other stands, the one who is seated is locked in. You can instantly lock in by walking up to a group of people and gently moving them to the side that you might move past them and lean against a wall or bar or other structure, or by telling a girl who is sitting down to get up for a second and then take her seat (you can smile and say, “I just stole your seat,” and then tell her, “I’ll give it back in a second, I just wanted to talk to you”).”
Making Women Want You Made Easy: 10 Killer Tips
I want women to want me because of what I bring to their lives.
I've heard guys give this advice before, and I think it's potentially frustrating for some guys because they don't know how to see themselves that way. I've personally never really struggled with seeing myself as a guy that, of course, women want in their lives, but I know a lot of guys do. So, first, here's why I think this mentality helps a lot:
• If you know you're a boon to women's lives and experiences, you look at them and talk to them quite noticeably differently (confidently, assertively, and sure) than guys who think they're a drain on women's lives and don't offer much (shyly, downcast eyes, etc.), and this can dramatically impact your reception and what you can get away with with girls
• If you see yourself as a man who brings a great deal of value to the women you meet, you tend to have a much easier time holding your frame and shrugging off when women test you and when they say silly things, because you know you probably have a better idea of what they want and need than they do themselves.
If you have trouble relating to those last couple of bullet points, that means you're not feeling like a guy that women would really, really love to have in their lives and would actively want and chase and pursue. You'll still be able to start doing most of the tips I'm going to give you to help you make women want you, but you'll have an easier time of it if you're able to start realizing what you bring to women's lives first.
For that reason, let me ask you the following questions:
1. What value do other men bring to women's lives? Alternately, what is it that women want from men -- why don't women all go join convents and take vows of celibacy? (a few to get you started: they want romance; they want passion; they want to feel understood and desired and lusted for by a guy they like and intrigued by him)
2. How good are other men at giving women those things they want?
3. Can you, right now, do a better job of giving women those things they want than the average guy? If most of the men a woman's dated or slept with have been average men (and trust me... even if she's a celebrity, most or all of the men she's dated have still been average overall), could you possibly exceed those men in the experiences you deliver for a woman?
That last question is the most important. I'm guessing that, probably, you know you can.
What that means is, if you ever start feeling like you don't have much to offer a woman or start wondering why a girl might want you, stop and ask yourself if you can provide a better experience for her than the majority of the average, ordinary men she's experienced her entire life. Because I'd be willing to wager there's a very good chance that she's never had a man who's been self-improvement focused like I'm guessing you are; she's never had a man who actually sat there and put in the time to use tools like this blog, my ebook, and just generally systematically improved himself at understanding and working with and satisfying women like you are right now.
Regardless of how you think she perceives you there in the moment, there's a good chance that you're going to be able to provide her the most memorable, incredible romantic and interpersonal experience of her life. Keep that in mind any time you start questioning whether a woman could or should want you.
1. Get your style handled. I won't tell you that looks are everything, like some people will, but I'm also not going to tell that they're nothing, like someother folks will. Looks are looks; they're not as important for men attracting women as they are for women attracting men, but they get your foot in the door, make things a little bit easier every step of the way, and get women to give you a little more leeway as you go through a pick up / seduction.
For getting your style handled, take a few steps like getting a well-fitting, fashionable outfit or two for when you head out to meet women; even if you only have one really good combination of clothing (if you're out fairly often, you should be getting compliments on items like your jacket, shirt, jeans, shoes, accessories, etc. every now and again), that can be all you need to up your returns. Get a fashionable haircut from a good salon in your town, and get some cool facial hair, and you'll be well on your way.
2. Become a sexy man. Along with getting your style handled, this is something I consider "passive value;" in other words, it's something that, once you've got it set, you don't have to actively monitor or think about or do anything about it; you just get points for having it handled.
Sexiness is partly your appearance, partly your body language, partly your eye contact and facial expressions, partly your voice tone, and partly the words you use -- or don't use. There's a lot to it, and it takes time to get set, but once you've got it set it's all automatic points added to your desirability score. This is probably the slowest one to work on and implement when it comes to making women want you, but it's one of the most important. See the post linked to for more details on how to go about redesigning yourself as a man women describe as "sexy."
3. Look at women like you want them. I've discussed eye contact flirting on here before, but this is something more than that. Much unlike the folks who'll tell you to keep things indirect and neutral, I'm going to tell you to actually gaze at women as though you want them -- to look at them with dreamy, liquid eyes that they can lose themselves in.
The reasons why this works -- why looking at women like you want them makes women want you in turn as well -- are twofold:
i. You get them thinking about desire and intimacy, and
ii. You reassure them you feel that way, freeing them to feel that way
By helping women lower their guards around you and see you as a sexual man, you allow them to feel the same way back toward you without fearing that their attraction will go unreciprocated.
4. Use the bored look. Just because you're looking at a girl with dreamy eyes some of the time doesn't mean you look at her that way all of the time. A good rule of thumb to follow is that when women are treating you well and being interesting and working hard to invest in you and the interaction and build rapport and tell you about themselves, you want to reward them with a desirous gaze; but, when they're being difficult or unfocused or distant, you'll want to discourage this behavior -- by getting bored and distant yourself.
The bored look lets you communicate to women that you aren't going to sit around and chase -- you're only going to be interested if she's doing things to work with you and move it all forward. Lots of guys pursue women and try their best to communicate to women that they're interested, even when these women are being aloof or difficult, which sends the wrong message entirely. You want women knowing that getting to know you is a two-way street -- you'll invest if they are, but you don't chase women and won't for them if they start pulling away.
5. Get investment. You should be getting investment from women throughout the course of an interaction with them. This can take the form of basic compliance, like having them give you their hands or a sip of their drinks or coffees or teas, or more complex compliance, like asking them to move with you or tell you about their dreams and goals.
The reason why investment makes women want you down to an intrinsic psychological process that underlies how human beings perceive and interact with the world: stated directly, we tend to invest in the things we value, and we tend to value the things we invest. The more she invests in you (in conjunction with our next point), the more valuable she'll perceive you being.
6. Give her progress. One of the big reasons why I so frequently prescribe that men move faster with women is because you need her to feel like there's forward momentum in the interaction to avoid having her start feeling overinvested if you're getting a lot of investment from her.
Said another way, if you reach a point where a girl's followed you around and told you all kinds of things about herself that she doesn't tell anyone else and she's made it resoundingly clear to you that she really, really likes you, and then you just keep sitting there with her and don't invite her homeand don't try and move things forward enough that she feels rewarded and appreciated and desired for all the work she's put in, she's going to begin feeling like she's wasting her time, like she's flapping in the wind, like she's put herself out there and looks like a fool because her level of interest is not being reciprocated.
Moving fast isn't just about you getting the girl because you want her.Moving fast is also about you keeping progress and momentum in an interaction so that a woman feels her continued investment is being recognized, appreciated, and reciprocated.
It's important you keep things moving briskly ahead so she doesn't start feeling unappreciated for her commitment to spending time with you and getting to know you.
7. Give her understanding. Go out of you way to make sure you'reunderstanding women. Especially when you're getting them opening up about themselves and telling you all kinds of intimate details about their hopes and dreams and expectations, if they start feeling like you're not following them or relating to them, they'll start shutting down.
Alternatively, if you're making it clear that you get where they're coming from -- whether that means you really do, or you need to ask for clarity to get girls to help you understand where they're coming from -- they're going to feel more and more connected to you, to a degree they almost never do with men, and they're going to want you more and more.
8. Be relatable. Understanding her is just one side of the coin; helping her to understand you is the other. Avoid topics and conversations that are going to leave her feeling like she doesn't know what you're talking about or can't relate to it; she'll just end up feeling like the two of you are two different people who don't connect.
If instead you seek to find as much common ground as possible and paint all of your experiences -- even the ones she hasn't shared in her own life -- in as relatable a fashion as you possibly can, you'll find that she becomes increasingly absorbed in finding out more about you, relating to you, and viewing you as an attractive, desirable man.
9. Paint yourself colorful. In your quest to be relatable, you'll want to make sure you don't end up trying to come across generic, average, and ordinary. A lot of guys go this route -- trying to be as friendly and harmless as possible -- in an effort to not push women away. But all they end up doing is boring the socks off of girls, and portraying themselves as incrediblyunexciting human beings.
You don't want to be colorless. You want to be colorful. You want to be a man who tickles women's imaginations, who inspires them, and who makes them think of far away places, exotic adventures, and reaching beyond their limits in ways that few men do. If you combine a colorful character with the precepts of being relatable, you can help women relate to you even as you differentiate yourself from all the ordinary men striving to be more ordinary -- that's when you'll really start having women want you more and more, and chase you more and more, because then, to them, you'll seem an increasingly rare, desirable, romantic kind of man of the sort they meet only a couple of times in a lifetime.
A few ideas to get you started:
• Instead of talking about your job, talk about your passions
• If you've done much, discuss it in passing with humility
• If you've done little, discuss what you'd like to do and why with fire
By painting yourself a colorful character, instead of as the same as all the other men women meet, you'll be a rare and exciting opportunity, and you'll inspire desire and make women want to be a part of the adventure they find only in your presence.
10. Be a creator of experiences. Like we mentioned earlier, it should be in your head that you bring a lot to women's lives -- much more so than most men. Of the 10 tips here, this one's the most intangible -- but also, possibly, the best. View yourself as a creator of incredible, incomparable experiences for the women you meet -- enchant them, seduce them, and take them away from the dullness of ordinary life and bring them into a world vibrant with life, lust, love, and potential. They will love you for it... and you'll soon find that you love them just as much -- for letting you create the experiences with them you do.
Combined with a solid knowledge that women should want you, your use of these tips for making women want you will help you produce experiences with women that neither they nor you will soon forget.
Locking in is, quite simply, the technique of getting yourself into position where you're visibly more comfortable, and a woman is facing toward you.
What locking in is about, in a nutshell, is displaying social power and getting investment from women.
Some examples of locking in:
• Getting your back against a bar, pillar, or wall while a girl faces toward you
• Getting seated in a bench, chair, or booth with a girl facing you
• Getting a girl on top of you (on your lap or on you prone if you're laying down)
How do you do this, exactly?
As it were, the technique itself is quite straightforward. You can follow these steps to get locked in just about anywhere:
1. Find the girl you want to talk to
2. Walk up to her and open her, then
3. Grab a spot next to her if you can easily lock in there, or
• Move back a bit to somewhere you can relax, and motion her over while talking, or
• Move her gently and deftly aside, and position yourself somewhere comfortable -- perhaps even where she was just standing or sitting!
An example might look like this:
You see a girl standing over near a wall. You walk up and start talking to her:
"How's your night going?" you remark casually in a sexy voice. She instantly warms up; you can tell she likes you.
You take a few steps back, about 5 feet away from her, backing yourself up to a wall to lean against. She follows, coming closer as you talk to her from afar, as she naturally closes the gap to be able to speak with you without having to raise her voice or stand awkwardly far away. Now you're locked in.
Another example might be spotting a girl leaning up against a bar casually, and starting your conversation with her, then gently guiding (within about 15 seconds or so of first saying "hello") her to make room for you to lean against the bar. "Here, move over," you'll say, in a warm, non-threatening voice. She'll comply -- it'd be socially ungracious of her to do otherwise.
Easy enough to do. The only thing I can see guys being afraid of is girls not following them -- but if you are, don't be. If she won't follow you a few feet as you lock in, there's a very low chance she would've done anything else with you either, so you can even use locking in as an effective tool for screening out the women who aren't all that interested in you.
Of course, every coin has two sides, and there is something you do need to be aware of, however. And that is that women are very attuned to the social implications of their actions -- if only subconsciously -- and there's a feedback loop in their heads that tells them one of the following two things:
• They're either investing too much, and need to stop before it gets too awkward, or
• They're investing a lot, but it feels great and they feel rewarded.
Now, if a girl feels awkward, she's going to cut the conversation short and end it to save face and preserve her own value and social status. But if, on the other hand, she feels comfort and enjoyment, well, she's certainly going to want things to continue as-is.
What that means for you, then, is that it's imperative to make sure the women you get locked in with end up feeling comfortable, rewarded, and glad that you're locked in.
