Getting My fiancé back as friends or together

[Smiling_Stray]

Haha well, I'm guessing ya'll are going to be more inclined to tell me to throw this in the dumpster more. But there's more to this situation at this point (i'm not sure what i've conveyed thus far, it's been a while for me). I do have some updates though, I'll put it simple enough for bullet points. Just understand that this is my first engagement, first time i've felt this way for anyone consistently (she says she feels the same on her end), and we have our families caught in the mix. So while this is something i'm willing to put down for a few months, it's not something I'd just completely throw out. I want us to be able to at least be on good terms, friends maybe (you only have one first, after all).

Anyway, this is complicated but I'll do what I can with the basics of the freakshow thus far in order:

Recap:

• I met a girl during covid (oct. 15 2020) but they don't actually close things until a month later (Nov. 15 2020) because her parent is an at risk. Although he's understanding and she's shocked but warm as hell.
• They zoom (video chat) for an hour once a week (including virtual sex) for maybe three weeks. Over time that gradually increases and they start spending nights together followed by breakfast. This goes on until she ends up pushing for full time (24/7, nights and all) and gets it. Somewhere along this line we formally have the relationship talk around a month in and find ourselves in a relationship.
• Nov. 15 2020 full on fuck fest moments before she meets one of my parents on the way out... oops. But they happen to get along better than believable (apparently being eerily similar) It's the best experience she's ever had sexually. She is very experience... it took about a month to get through the list. She had just gone through a whore phase (power to her) right up until me.
• The L word is thrown around, conversations span from sunset to sunrise most of the time. Happy as can be.
• Girl ends up going to a very high up university against all odds for a family law degree although her true passion is editing my writing, making us an ideal team as a writer (this is the only outcome that would've allowed things to continue between them given her parents are native to India with strict beliefs and they had to sneak around). This way he can stay with her on campus for the weekends and even bring her home to stay with him days at a time. They do this consistently more (although slowly) as she continues to move forward in school. She becomes familiar with all family members, even mending some fences between me and my parents.
• She ends up having to deal with extreme stress from her parents and he's working as delivery dude... not considering college yet. Thankfully he makes enough to scrape by providing for both of them somewhat.
• Winter comes, car problems arise. They almost break up during the crisis as he is then stranded in DC (3 hours from home) for a few days and she becomes emotionally overwhelmed. However the car is fixed and the relationship saved.
• Spring comes, her parents discover the relationship and she almost runs away but ends up standing up to them and gaining independence to save the relationship and help cope with overwhelming pressure from strict parents.
• I met her parents. It's tense at first but ends well. The parents question when he'll go to college, as he flunked out right after meeting her.
• Valentines day they have time together for a few days in the house alone. They play house. Decide they might see a future.
• I proposed to her a week or two later in private. She instantly says yes in tears of joy. Followed by moment of hesitancy... college is important. They agree to go public at the one year mark but hold the wedding after graduation.
• They begin spending nearly every day together for almost weeks at a time.
• They go to a party hosted by a friend of mine. There she meets a guy who flirts with her, she pushes him away but he asks to be friends. She has no friends at the time, I carelessly allows the friendship.
• She starts talking about party guy more and more over time.
• I got a steady job as barista, getting paid more for less hours.
• As summer of 2021 approaches, she gets bad news for the couple... They wouldn't be able to see each other for nearly two full months other than on zoom (video chat). I dreaded this, knowing that could kill the relationship. She disagrees. It's an unavoidable obligation either way.
• I dropped her off one last time before summer, thinking it's the end. She promises to not end things until they met in person again.
• Summer comes, I developed video game addiction. Ends up neglecting work. Fully neglecting her. She talks about practically nothing but party guy. She points out that I'm having money problems. Begins to have a hard time seeing a happy future. These concerns fall on deft ears. He's too addicted.
• I got more hours at work but it's still not enough. He's not getting enough of his video game fix, gets overly stressed.
• I had a temporary falling out with his main friend group, lose all my friends accept her.
• She says she wants to break up on zoom (video chat). I managed to buy time, she agrees to stick to her promise and wait until they meet again for a weekend stay.
• I start dwelling on losing her and get needy.
• She gets back to school in late august.
• I visited her in DC for a one night stay. It's good sex but she still doesn't feel a spark.
• She visits me at home for a weekend stay (Friday Pm to Monday Am). It's the most unintentionally romantic weekend with the most passionate sex either of them have ever had. He says he thinks he sees a spark coming back in her... she says nothing. There's no denial or confirmation of this but either way it's not enough. They agree to revisit the relationship in four years after college, given they can and that this is the best chance they have long term of coming together.
• They go back to DC on a train instead of a drive this time. She sleeps though most of it, wrapping herself around his arm. He walks her back to her place. Then gets her a ride to class and tags along. They part ways as she leaves for class. He gets a ride home.
• When he gets back to his car, he calls her. She says she loves him. Then realizes things are different now, and apologizes for saying it. He says it back to her and drives home.
• They video chat later that week, she's cold as hell. No interest in conversation or anything, mostly on her phone.
• One week later, they video chat. I act more aloof this time, she becomes more interested. The conversation becomes warm again.
• another week after parting ways, she flakes on video chatting that week but reschedules for the next day. The next day she tells him she's going out with someone that Friday for a date. I ask if it's party guy. With a face full of guilt (this guilt gets worse as they talk more, given he's still grieving), she says yes. They had been talking as friends and connecting behind the scenes this whole time. He only just asked her out. She gives proof nothing happened behind his back upon his request. I still don't handle the fact that it's party guy well.​

Updates:

• Before the news of party guy, She says she wants to keep having casual sex with me. Shortly after (a week or so) I had publicly announced on a social media story, I'm quitting video games for good. With a picture of his console and games in a dumpster. She's the first to see the story.
• That weekend, I went out with a work friend to a college party bar. Made out with some hippie chick and took pictures with her as well as some other girls. I posted these on his story as well. Yet again, she was the first to see the story.
• (She gives party guy news) Then excitedly pry's for more information about Boy's night out and asks if he's going out with an ex she was insecure about. I don't give her any information other than that he doesn't want to go back to that ex.
• Girl decides it'd be best to block me on social media but not his number.
• Three days later, on the morning before their first date, they talk and have a final goodbye for now sort of conversation. It's bittersweet, she says she loves him. I had an anxiety attack after an hour of hanging up (god knows why) and instinctively reaches out to her. She gets annoyed. They say goodbye again, it's less sweet this time. He says he loves her, she says nothing.
• That night, I committed suicide... swallowing 100 pain pills and an unknown number of god knows what else with straight liquor. I write her a goodbye note, it's reminiscent and full of self loathing with an immature hit at party guy. She gets too overwhelmed to string together two sentences, she texts her friend to reach out to me.
• The friend is fully sympathetic to me, even telling him girl still cares about me, that she's unsure about all of the things going on. I don't believe her, given the conversation from earlier in the day. She finally calls me, scared but seemingly annoyed as all hell, threatening to call police. I lied, says was fine. They all go to bed, boy finishes over dosing to the point of passing out on the keyboard as he shares the document (the letter) with Girl.
• The next morning I woke up, close to the end. Then somehow he doesn't choke on his vomit and realizes his body was fighting hard and although it's close he likely won't die. The pain is excruciating (karmas a bitch). He gets desperate enough to call 911.
• While in the hospital, I got some texts from her. She asks for a picture of the room after hearing he's in the emergency room. It is her date day, after all. They have a brief conversation and she wishes him the best but says she can't handle all the grief from the situation. They agree to take some time without talking to get themselves in a better mindset.
• Her friend is encouraging to me while in the hospital, telling him to just give her time. That she'll come back around.
• My friends come back and help get me into a better place. My family starts coming together to support boy.
• I decided to turn off all tech and go into hiding for a week.
• After a few days, she starts texting paragraphs to me. Asking about her friend and him. Then realizing nothings going on there and saying to disregard. I say nothing in return.
• The next day, she leaves a message on the suicide word doc. Simply saying she doesn't know (I presume this was in regards to her feelings).
• I leave edits to note after having time to process and grow. The edits remove the self loathing, and comment on the hit to party guy as immature. Another comment says Boy needs more time. She never sees these edits as far as I know.
• This brings us to tonight, where I get a text from her. She's left my things from her place with her friend to give to me and that she's sorry she couldn't do it herself. I called her to tell her I wasn't ready to take it back yet, her voice was one that had just calmed from a storm of tears. I had the same tone.
• We ended up talking and catching up a bit. It was all very light hearted. Not much has changed for her since but I'm getting a much higher paying job soon, am in college again, and am going to a school an hour away from her in the spring of 2022 (not that the two hours shaved off really make much of a difference now). Party guy's also 3 hours away from her but is graduating college in 2022, anyway (thanks to social media for info). I was able to get her to laugh for the first time in a while, we mended fences a bit more. Saying I don't care if we're together romantically or sexually, I just want us be in each other's lives as friends. She says she's not sure but she thinks it can happen.
• Otherwise, she has no idea how she feels about me now. She just knows she misses my family, me, and the house. She's blatantly expressed would love it if she could just call him a mistake and get back with me (as she remembers us and wishes it could still be but she considers herself a good person without a record of cheating thus far and wants to keep it that way) but there isn't enough of that spark there now to do so and she doesn't know that I can get it back. But she's happy with him for now. She also says she thinks she needs more time to sort things out how she feels. I had a feeling of dread form in my gut when she said that. We hang up on a very warm but bittersweet note. She says she'll see me soon (I think out of habit from our time together)
• I text her friend after the conversation saying that we talked, and that I actually feel fine. That I'll probably take my stuff back in a week when I'm sure that I'm stable. If she is too, I might try to reconnect briefly (keeping on the edge of her social circle) and try to get her to associate better feelings with me. I talked to my trusted friend who knows of party guy... apparently party guy is a natural with girls. In My buddie's words "He's really charming and non-confrontational". I plan on going to see a friend tomorrow to see about going out to party again and getting laid a few times.

Not sure how I really feel about all this aside from that I want us to be a part of each other's lives. If there's a chance for more, it'll be an uphill battle but I don't seem like the only person in my corner there. I know this was another novella (I'll work on keepin' it more concise next time) but I genuinely tried to stick with the basics of the complicated situation... guess I got carried away but any help is appreciated. From what I can tell, he wants something serious and played a small role in the interest dying down during the summer (although that was mostly me).

As of now, I'm currently trying to put this early life crisis on the back burner (which is why i've turned here- to find a solution that won't burn a meaningful bridge while focusing elsewhere such as work, school, and night game) and keep radio silence for another week or two (unless she reaches out) while working on school, finances, going out and getting myself out there again and showing the world as I do so (yes, I like to show off with media... so what?).

(EDIT: Alright the whole boy/girl thing was fixed I think. And I'm not sure if the timeline's accurate but you get the idea of how spaced apart things were... and yes, I've gotten help. I'm no longer suicidal, that was a few weeks ago lol I'm feeling much better now! If there's any more confusion, just ask. I'll do what I can to clear it up!)

 

[Skills]

Bro you need a health care professional this is beyond pick up...

 

[Smiling_Stray]

Bro you need a health care professional this is beyond pick up...

How do you mean? Seems related... either try to rebuild interest and go from there or have valuable friend

 

[Vision]

All this "boy" and "girl" thing makes the entire thing confusing to read... are you the "boy"... if you are, why are you calling yourself a boy and not a man? Also, why are you talking about yourself in third person?

If you're boy, which it sounds like you are, you need to definitely get therapy, what you're talking about is WAY outside the realm of pickup, especially when you're talking about committing suicide and whatnot.

You need to rebuild your life, create a life where you're happy, healthy, and enjoying your life without a woman in it at all. Fix your emotions, your self-esteem, your health... and then, after you've been healthy for at least months, then start thinking about having a person in your life.

This isn't, "rebuild interest or have a valuable friend"... this is change the way you see yourself, manage your mental and emotional health, have a life that you love without a woman, become a man and stop being a boy, and then open yourself up to dating, when you're grown up and you're emotionally healthy.

Develop healthy friendships, meet other healthy women, etc.

You are a giant, walking red flag until you figure your mental and emotional health out.

 

[Smiling_Stray]

All this "boy" and "girl" thing makes the entire thing confusing to read... are you the "boy"... if you are, why are you calling yourself a boy and not a man? Also, why are you talking about yourself in third person?

Yeah I realize that was a little confusing now... I was just kind of writing this out last night half asleep and it just kind of came out that way (yes, I know I'm a grown man and need to act like it. That's what I've been doing ever since I came home from the hospital). I thought that if I told the story in the third person that maybe it'd be a little less jarring and confusing but I can see that I was wrong now... lesson learned.

If you're boy, which it sounds like you are, you need to definitely get therapy, what you're talking about is WAY outside the realm of pickup, especially when you're talking about committing suicide and whatnot.

I'm not still suicidal, thanks. And I don't think i'd be the first to go over something like this but yes, I've been getting help. I'm feeling much better than before these days.

You need to rebuild your life, create a life where you're happy, healthy, and enjoying your life without a woman in it at all. Fix your emotions, your self-esteem, your health... and then, after you've been healthy for at least months, then start thinking about having a person in your life.

Also what I've been trying to do. I'm going to college again and loving it, working out, and talking through my emotions with people I know I can trust... and it's been a few weeks since this happened. I think less about having a person in my life every day, but I still see this as a valuable friendship we could have and idk that we'd be able to get anything back (I honestly don't know... but neither does she). I'm certainly not going to go as far down that path as before my suicide attempt. I know I'm not ready just yet.

This isn't, "rebuild interest or have a valuable friend"... this is change the way you see yourself, manage your mental and emotional health, have a life that you love without a woman, become a man and stop being a boy, and then open yourself up to dating, when you're grown up and you're emotionally healthy.

Thank you, I already am starting to feel better. Again I don't see myself as a boy haha that was just a weird way I ended up writing it out when I was tired. I am however, finding new things I enjoy without her. I'm writing every day, hanging out with friends, and going out to bars on the weekends. Overall, having a good time.

Develop healthy friendships, meet other healthy women, etc.

You are a giant, walking red flag until you figure your mental and emotional health out.

That'd be the point of going out on the weekends with the guys to hit up the bars...

 

[Vision]

Yeah I realize that was a little confusing now... I was just kind of writing this out last night half asleep and it just kind of came out that way (yes, I know I'm a grown man and need to act like it. That's what I've been doing ever since I came home from the hospital). I thought that if I told the story in the third person that maybe it'd be a little less jarring and confusing but I can see that I was wrong now... lesson learned.

It might help YOU disassociate from the events, it doesn't help us though.

I'm not still suicidal, thanks. And I don't think i'd be the first to go over something like this but yes, I've been getting help. I'm feeling much better than before these days.

Good man, keep going.

Also what I've been trying to do. I'm going to college again and loving it, working out, and talking through my emotions with people I know I can trust... and it's been a few weeks since this happened. I think less about having a person in my life every day, but I still see this as a valuable friendship we could have and idk that we'd be able to get anything back (I honestly don't know... but neither does she). I'm certainly not going to go as far down that path as before my suicide attempt. I know I'm not ready just yet.

You need to get more valuable friendships so that you stop valuing her friendship so highly... that's the purpose of abundance.

Abundance is a concept about lots of different things... we specifically talk about abundance of sexual partners here, for a number of reasons but it basically helps you devalue your interactions with women and develop habits of naturally being attractive to women as a man, which gives you more power and choice over what you create in your dating and sexual life.

Scarcity, which is the other side of the coin, makes you over value things... women, connection, friendship, etc. because you're only experiencing very little of it.

So if you get into abundance of connection, friendships, romantic situations, sex, etc... you'll value those things less and act is a way that allows you to get and keep more of it, if that's what you want.

That's why we suggest getting out there and dating other people... even if you want to get her back into your life... you're far more likely to have her back in your life if you value it less because you'll act more attractive, less needy, and more like a man who has options with women, which is incredibly attractive to them.

Thank you, I already am starting to feel better. Again I don't see myself as a boy haha that was just a weird way I ended up writing it out when I was tired. I am however, finding new things I enjoy without her. I'm writing every day, hanging out with friends, and going out to bars on the weekends. Overall, having a good time.

Hopefully, you don't see yourself as a boy. Just remember, your identity, or the self-image you have of yourself, is one of the most powerful psychology mechanisms that determines how you behave.

If you see yourself as a boy, you're going to act like a boy. So it's probably best you remove that kind of language completely so that you don't send your brain the wrong signals, subconsciously.

That'd be the point of going out on the weekends with the guys to hit up the bars...

If that's what you think is fun, go have fun.

 

[Smiling_Stray]

That's why we suggest getting out there and dating other people... even if you want to get her back into your life... you're far more likely to have her back in your life if you value it less because you'll act more attractive, less needy, and more like a man who has options with women, which is incredibly attractive to them.

"And so I see, said the blind man"... Fuck. Alright got it, time to go back and focus on my own life, rebuild myself back to the valuable person I was before (maybe even better) and add value to myself again... alright. I'll keep going that route, thanks

 

[Regal Tiger]

Yeah I'm gonna be honest, I didn't read your post. Only read the title. But based on past conversations I think that's all I need (always feel free to correct me if I'm wrong)

We've talked about this before and I'm going to say the same things: move on.

The relationship is over and she's seeing if she can get better. Shit happens. Even if you're the most amazing man in bed she'll ever have, you can only ride that ride out for so long before her nesting instincts kick in.


Is it possible she comes back? Sure, anything is possible. But let's be real here man, it's like a 0.000001% chance at this point.

Focus on your own life, focus on building something out of your own life because it's the best thing for you. If you need additional motivation then sure, think about the women that it'll help you attract later on. Hell, that's what I do. I'll get on Instagram when I'm feeling lazy and look up hot chicks for a few minutes until I 'suddenly' have all kinds of motivation.

Works for me.

But notice that I'm doing it for women in general. Whichever one I allow into my life, as long as she's of a certain quality is good enough for me. It's never about a specific person.


Which is another reason people talk about having a greater purpose in life. Greater purposes are beyond you and any one specific person because that specific person will probably let you down.

If you want to be the bestest father and husband in the world then good for you, that's a noble goal but it's a TERRIBLE mission because it's so damn specific to one person (or two+ in this case if you include children).

You need to market your purpose to multiple people, or even a hyper specific type of person. But that's kind of a tangent lol.


But yeah, I've talked to you before on the phone. We've talked quite a bit. I did what I could but you definitely need to sit down and talk with a professional about your life in general. Try to get away from seduction for a while. Step away from it and women. It's what I've had to do in the past and my penis didn't like it but sometimes that's what you gotta do.

Hell, I literally just moved to a place I've been trying to move to for years! And guess what? I moved here mostly for better opportunities with women (as well as fun in general) and this life situation outside of women might not be worth it. It's been a day and holy shit I think I made the wrong choice. (people who know me, or of me for a while will probably understand why I say this and I think you know too)


And for the love of god, please don't go become friends with this woman. Cut her off for your own health PLEASE!


But yeah, all that to say, sometimes you have to forget about women or you'll make the wrong choice like I think I literally just did.

 

[Smiling_Stray]

Yeah I'm gonna be honest, I didn't read your post. Only read the title. But based on past conversations I think that's all I need (always feel free to correct me if I'm wrong)

We've talked about this before and I'm going to say the same things: move on.

The relationship is over and she's seeing if she can get better. Shit happens. Even if you're the most amazing man in bed she'll ever have, you can only ride that ride out for so long before her nesting instincts kick in.


Is it possible she comes back? Sure, anything is possible. But let's be real here man, it's like a 0.000001% chance at this point.

Focus on your own life, focus on building something out of your own life because it's the best thing for you. If you need additional motivation then sure, think about the women that it'll help you attract later on. Hell, that's what I do. I'll get on Instagram when I'm feeling lazy and look up hot chicks for a few minutes until I 'suddenly' have all kinds of motivation.

Works for me.

But notice that I'm doing it for women in general. Whichever one I allow into my life, as long as she's of a certain quality is good enough for me. It's never about a specific person.


Which is another reason people talk about having a greater purpose in life. Greater purposes are beyond you and any one specific person because that specific person will probably let you down.

If you want to be the bestest father and husband in the world then good for you, that's a noble goal but it's a TERRIBLE mission because it's so damn specific to one person (or two+ in this case if you include children).

You need to market your purpose to multiple people, or even a hyper specific type of person. But that's kind of a tangent lol.


But yeah, I've talked to you before on the phone. We've talked quite a bit. I did what I could but you definitely need to sit down and talk with a professional about your life in general. Try to get away from seduction for a while. Step away from it and women. It's what I've had to do in the past and my penis didn't like it but sometimes that's what you gotta do.

Hell, I literally just moved to a place I've been trying to move to for years! And guess what? I moved here mostly for better opportunities with women (as well as fun in general) and this life situation outside of women might not be worth it. It's been a day and holy shit I think I made the wrong choice. (people who know me, or of me for a while will probably understand why I say this and I think you know too)


And for the love of god, please don't go become friends with this woman. Cut her off for your own health PLEASE!


But yeah, all that to say, sometimes you have to forget about women or you'll make the wrong choice like I think I literally just did.

Woah, easy man. No need panic button here This situation's been resolved.

I'm gonna be honest, I didn't really read all that either lol but I don't think I need to. Yeah, we've had conversations like this before and I get the idea of what you're saying (Just cut all ties and move the fuck on). I get where you're coming from, considering previous experiences.

But I think you you've missed a bit too, I am doing all of this for me. I'm genuinely growing as a person and I have grown plenty already since our last conversation (a few weeks ago???), and I'm barely talking to her at all (we're talking around the rate of maybe once a month, if even). And I'm 99.9999999% certain that I know what I'm doing at this point and have a good grip on the reality of all this.

I spent enough time spinning my wheels about this already and I'm tired of it.

I'm keeping a journal as of all this now if ya'll wanna keep up to date as she is still a very small part of my life but it's more so just gonna be my progress in my own life these days.

I'm here now to improve myself and stay positive about my life (though not unrealistic, relax ), so don't dogpile me if she make a footnote lol It's not about that. It's about me. Otherwise, we've all been to preschool. We know the saying.

Thanks