GF says I don't call enough, then when I do says that I don't have to call

[Corsica]

My girlfriend and I are dating long distance until she moves back here in December. She lives a few hours away, but comes up here each weekend to see me. During the week I usually call her about every other day or so. On days when we don't talk on the phone, she usually sends me a text and we'd text back and forth. However, she always says that she feels like I don't really want to talk that much and that I don't really care. I realize I was probably too cold by doing this.

So last night she said she feels like I don't care and she wants to talk everyday. I explained that I do care about her, I'm just not that big into talking on the phone. But, I said that talking everyday wasn't that big of a deal and we could do that.

So I call her today, for the second day in a row. And at the end of the call she says "you don't have to call me every day. Even though you're the best boyfriend in the world for calling me after I begged you to."

What do you do when a girl does this? I realize it was my mistake being too cold initially and not calling enough, but how do I correct things now?

 

[MonsterzRock]

Well, I'm certainly no expert here but I'd just stick to a simple routine. I'd ignore what she said about not having to call her everyday and call her everyday anyway. But I'd keep the phone conversations shorter if possible unless she needs to talk and you just listen. Or tell her you're busy and cannot talk too long. But then carry on a text conversation throughout the day to compensate for shorter phone calls. Keep it all upbeat and positive. If I'm wrong about this, someone else chime in and provide other feedback....thanks.

 

[ray_zorse]

I've done LDR with texting every day and occasional phone calls, when I tried to up the phone calls and set expectations because of time difference, this was seen as controlling (I think) and things deteriorated fast after that. So I'd try to keep things as natural as possible. But in fact doing it a second time around (which will never happen because I'm not in a scarcity mindset anymore) I'd keep all contact to a minimum... texts like "I've just finished my lunch...what r u up to?" are unacceptable, they simply paint you as a boring and needy person. Keep it fresh by having her not know what you are up to most of the time, and keep her chasing for your text-time and attention.
cheers, Ray

 

[Franco]

Corsica,

When it comes to texting/calling, however much you were texting/calling her when you started the relationship is how much you should continue to keep texting and calling her throughout the entire relationship. This is why it's important to keep in mind exactly how much you want to be speaking to your girl even as you're first dating her so that you can transfer that same criteria over to a relationship (should it go that far).

If you've been texting/calling her about once every other day or so, then that's what you should continue to do. If your girlfriend complains that you don't talk to her enough, telling her that you just prefer face-time conversation over phone conversation is good, but you should also state that you are busy during the week and have other things going on. You can mention that it has absolutely nothing to do with not caring about her, and it just has to do with the fact that you have plenty of work that needs to be taken care of, and you do enjoy the time that you two get to talk together.

Whatever your stance is, you need to be firm about protecting it. When a girl tells you that you don't talk to her enough, she doesn't really feel like that is the case (and talking to her every other day is a lot -- I only talk to my girl about once a week and then only see her on the weekends), but if you start getting defensive, or suddenly changing the way you do things, then it comes across as weak. It also shows her that either (A) you actually felt like you weren't showing that you care enough or (B) you don't have enough other things to do to keep your time busy.

I would just go back to your normal cycle. If she brings it up again, then just tell her, "at first you told me I wasn't contacting you enough, and now you're telling me that I don't have to call every day. I obviously care about you, and you know this, so I'm not going to bounce back and forth anymore. I have lots of other things that need to get done, so we'll go back to the way things were before any of this nonsense came up." Then stay firm in your stance -- don't yell at her or anything, but explain that this would be best for both of you rather than worrying about nonsense such as "who texts/calls who" during the middle of the week. You don't like to play games like that.

That would be my advice!

- Franco

 

[Motiv]

I have to agree with Franco here. This all has to do with relationship precedent, something that can be very difficult to dial back down once you've dialed it up. The only minor disagreement I have is with the notion that changing any of your behavior will come off as weak. I think changing it to line up with whatever your girl asks is weak, but if you have a need to reset any precedent you've already well established, it is possible to do so without necessarily coming across as weak at all. Life changes happen to everyone all the time, so if I were you, I would not be afraid to dial down (pardon the pun) the number of times you call your girl and just let her know that other responsibilities are weighing down on you. And as Franco stated, be sure to reassure her that you do care.

All women love a man who is busy with life!

-MP

 

[Corsica]

Thanks for the responses guys!

Franco, what you say makes a lot of sense and in a lot of ways was my gut reaction initially. I do sometimes just feel bad because I can be kind of a cold person and I don't want girls to auto reject because I don't give them what they need. How do you walk that line? Especially once you've already started out kind of cold, if a girl is going to auto reject, how do you warm up without appearing weak?

Anyways, I did call her again tonight. After calling her last night and her saying I didn't have to call every night, I decided to call again so that it wouldn't look like I was just doing whatever she said; I wanted it to look like it was my decision. However, like I had always told her would happen, by tonight the conversation was kind of stale and she didn't seem as engaged as usual, so I ended it short. After hanging up she texted me saying thanks for calling and telling me I'm great. However, now I am just going to go back to calling every other day. I think now it will look like my choice and if she brings it up again I can do what you suggested, Franco.

Thanks again!

 

[ProblemSolving]

The easiest and most efficient way to tell who's chasing whom in a relationship, is to see how often each person initiates communication via calling or text. If you want to maintain a girl's attraction to you, then you must keep her chasing you and you must reward her when she does. There's a ton of great articles on here about why this is essential.

However, she always says that she feels like I don't really want to talk that much and that I don't really care. I realize I was probably too cold by doing this

Nope, you're doing just fine at this point - she's chasing and is highly attracted to you.

So last night she said she feels like I don't care and she wants to talk everyday

This is girl talk for, "You're not chasing me and it pisses me off".

I explained that I do care about her, I'm just not that big into talking on the phone. But, I said that talking everyday wasn't that big of a deal and we could do that.

Wrong answer. You basically agreed to start chasing her. Let's see what happens when you do:

So I call her today, for the second day in a row. And at the end of the call she says "you don't have to call me every day. Even though you're the best boyfriend in the world for calling me after I begged you to."

See? As much as women will try their hardest to get you to chase them, in the end they HATE it. When you start chasing, they start running away - not good for you

What do you do when a girl does this? I realize it was my mistake being too cold initially and not calling enough, but how do I correct things now?

Stop chasing and stop initiating contact. She will call or text you when her attraction for you reaches a boiling point. When she calls or texts you, be warm and reward her for chasing so she feels compelled to do it more: "Hey! Great to hear from you. Been super busy lately, but I'm looking forward to seeing you this weekend." You get the idea. Don't get dragged into long text conversations, save it for when you meet in person.

If you're patient and reward her properly, you'll never have to initiate contact again - she'll be trained to contact you when she needs her Corsica fix.